What is the terms you use for dating and stages?

[Sunbeam]

Is there terms that you use that is not like the secular dating terms? So what terms do you use then? Can you explain a little for this thinking?

For example, I don't feel comfortable with the term boyfriend. It is so overused in society as a sexual relationship without marriage, or a serious relationship without a goal....(I know other chrisitans that think this way too)
but
The word courtship seems to replace this term that indicates the level of the relationship. It means a steady relationship going towards marriage. It is a step beyond dating, and before engaged.

"Friends first" is common between christians before they date. Because dating in itself can imply kissing, which can lead to other things, and women may not want to put themselves even in a position where they feel they have to kiss someone after going out with them. Christians also stay in the same circles with people that know each other, and unwarranted gossip can spread if you use the word "date" that to you may mean not anything serious, but since the word can mean courting or even engaged, people can end up spreading rumors based on presumption.

What do you think?

 

[jenptcfan]

Is there terms that you use that is not like the secular dating terms? So what terms do you use then? Can you explain a little for this thinking?

For example, I don't feel comfortable with the term boyfriend. It is so overused in society as a sexual relationship without marriage, or a serious relationship without a goal....(I know other chrisitans that think this way too)
but
The word courtship seems to replace this term that indicates the level of the relationship. It means a steady relationship going towards marriage. It is a step beyond dating, and before engaged.

"Friends first" is common between christians before they date. Because dating in itself can imply kissing, which can lead to other things, and women may not want to put themselves even in a position where they feel they have to kiss someone after going out with them. Christians also stay in the same circles with people that know each other, and unwarranted gossip can spread if you use the word "date" that to you may mean not anything serious, but since the word can mean courting or even engaged, people can end up spreading rumors based on presumption.

What do you think?

The kind of people who spread rumors are going to spread rumors no matter what terminology is used. When it all comes down to it, courtship/dating/ etc are just words.

I think that if we conduct ourselves in a Godly way during dating (or whatever other term one might use), then our character will shine through.

In my opinion, if a woman doesn't want to kiss before she's married, then she should get that straight with the guy at the very beginning so there isn't any awkwardness about it or pressure.

But I'm not really bothered by kissing during dating, so I don't guess it would matter to me if people started rumors that I was kissing someone?

 

[Sunbeam]

The kind of people who spread rumors are going to spread rumors no matter what terminology is used. When it all comes down to it, courtship/dating/ etc are just words.

I think that if we conduct ourselves in a Godly way during dating (or whatever other term one might use), then our character will shine through.

In my opinion, if a woman doesn't want to kiss before she's married, then she should get that straight with the guy at the very beginning so there isn't any awkwardness about it or pressure.

But I'm not really bothered by kissing during dating, so I don't guess it would matter to me if people started rumors that I was kissing someone?

I think how to say things and define relationships can mean alot. I think that rumors are curtailed alot when we do what we can to keep it pure. I think we do have alot to do with the gravity level of rumors in how we act as well as how we say things, and define them. That is how we communicate with others. Terms are important. And misunderstandings are put to a minimum.

I believe in kissing before marriage, during dating, sure. I didn't mention kissing at all in my post. That's not what I was getting at. It doesn't bother me if someone knows I am kissing someone I am dating. That's another subject completely, and that really doesn't interest me.

If I am spending time with another and we are only friends, then this is important for others to know that we are only friends. I don't think that among christians you should just jump into dating when you are not friends and can establish that first. If some guy really turns out to be a groper, and a possessive maniac, then I don't even want it even established that we dated at any time. If we had gone out as friends, I could always say that we had became friends at first, we weren't dating. If we are steady dating and courtship, this is important too, I'm not going to be dating anyone else and people should know that although I am still not engaged. See, it makes a big difference to me how things are defined. People say they have a fiance' to show that they are not going to go out with anyone else at all, ever. That says its final.

 

[Sunbeam]

But I'm not really bothered by kissing during dating, so I don't guess it would matter to me if people started rumors that I was kissing someone?

I wouldn't care either like I said above.

 

[jenptcfan]

"Friends first" is common between christians before they date. Because dating in itself can imply kissing, which can lead to other things, and women may not want to put themselves even in a position where they feel they have to kiss someone after going out with them.

Actually you did mention kissing in your post, but I misunderstood the point you were trying to make.

I think how to say things and define relationships can mean alot. I think that rumors are curtailed alot when we do what we can to keep it pure. I think we do have alot to do with the gravity level of rumors in how we act as well as how we say things, and define them. That is how we communicate with others. Terms are important. And misunderstandings are put to a minimum.

I believe in kissing before marriage, during dating, sure. I didn't mention kissing at all in my post. That's not what I was getting at. It doesn't bother me if someone knows I am kissing someone I am dating. That's another subject completely, and that really doesn't interest me.

If I am spending time with another and we are only friends, then this is important for others to know that we are only friends. I don't think that among christians you should just jump into dating when you are not friends and can establish that first. If some guy really turns out to be a groper, and a possessive maniac, then I don't even want it even established that we dated at any time. If we had gone out as friends, I could always say that we had became friends at first, we weren't dating. If we are steady dating and courtship, this is important too, I'm not going to be dating anyone else and people should know that although I am still not engaged. See, it makes a big difference to me how things are defined. People say they have a fiance' to show that they are not going to go out with anyone else at all, ever. That says its final.

I absolutely believe in being friends with someone before going into a relationship with them. I want to be best friends with the man I end up marrying, so I think it's only natural to be friends with them before dating.

The thing is that everyone has a different idea of what the terms mean. When I hear the word boyfriend, I don't think of it as a sexual relationship without marriage. It certainly is for some people, but I know lots of people that don't mean that when they use that word.

Some people don't date until they're ready to be in a committed relationship with someone, some people date multiple people at the same time with no thought about even going toward a committed relationship. So that word can mean different things too.

I think it's hard to predict what someone else will think of the relationship based on what words one uses to describe it. And since it's so hard to predict, I don't know if there's any one good answer about which terms to use.

God bless,
J

 

[Sunbeam]

Actually you did mention kissing in your post, but I misunderstood the point you were trying to make.

Oh I'm sorry, you are right lol. I wasn't thinking of others talking about us kissing, but not showing that I am interested in kissing him before we established interest to date. I didn't make that distinction and I wasn't clear at all.

I absolutely believe in being friends with someone before going into a relationship with them. I want to be best friends with the man I end up marrying, so I think it's only natural to be friends with them before dating.

The thing is that everyone has a different idea of what the terms mean. When I hear the word boyfriend, I don't think of it as a sexual relationship without marriage. It certainly is for some people, but I know lots of people that don't mean that when they use that word.

Some people don't date until they're ready to be in a committed relationship with someone, some people date multiple people at the same time with no thought about even going toward a committed relationship. So that word can mean different things too.

I think it's hard to predict what someone else will think of the relationship based on what words one uses to describe it. And since it's so hard to predict, I don't know if there's any one good answer about which terms to use.

God bless,

Yes, these stages are different for everyone, which makes it worth talking about what others' stages are.

They do clarify things, where there is not confusion either.

I don't think of people who say they have a boyfriend as always having sex with them but it is an overused word that can mean just about anything. I know people with boyfriends that are not having sex with them but still that is a confusing term. I don't use that term for a serious relationship because it bothers me personally with the confusion of it, and I just don't like the way it sounds. I don't judge others for using that word though or jump to conclusions either. I don't want anyone jumping to conclusions with me.

 

[Spicy McHaggis]

I got owned by the flu last night, so forgive me if this doesn't make sense. ALso, I'm responding to the OP without too much readin on my part, so sorry if this is off topic.

IMO, the terms we use for dating and courting and stuff like that are semantic at best. What I mean by that, is if you go out with a "friend" at a specified time and place, you could call it a date, you could call it a meetin, doesn't matter.

I knew this girl who said "I won't sate anybody I wouldn't consider marrying". But she'll go out with guys on what anyone could call a "date". How could she know if she wants to marry them unless she went on a few "dates" with them. I don't think it matters what term you apply to the time you spend with someone trying to learn more about them.

 

[stubbornkelly]

knew this girl who said "I won't sate anybody I wouldn't consider marrying". But she'll go out with guys on what anyone could call a "date". How could she know if she wants to marry them unless she went on a few "dates" with them.

I think that stems from the common usage of the word "dating" to connote a steady relationship (like "boyfriend and girlfriend," but less wordy, and less dated than "going steady").

I don't use the word "dating" that way. If I'm dating someone, it means we date. We are in the initial phases of a possible relationship, and I feel perfectly free to date more than one person at a time. There's no commitment, it's just two people getting together and seeing if they like about each other enough to go on to the next phase of courtship (not necessarily a Biblical courtship). I don't do the "boyfriend/girlfriend" thing until we've been dating a while (remember what that means - not a relationship phase, rather an activity with purpose) and have decided not to pursue other people.

But even that phase doesn't imply lifetime commitment. That's a time of further "getting to know," and can last a long time. Now, I won't go into that phase with someone I know I couldn't or wouldn't marry (which I won't necessarily know before I date them - that's why you date - to get to know each other on a pretty basic level), but during that phase, either party can certainly realize that the relationship won't work. And then they should either figure out if it's a problem that can be fixed, or end the relationship, go their separate ways and keep looking. It's kind of a probationary period - "Well, this person has all the things I'm looking for, but how well do we work together? Can the chemistry we had at first make for a real partnership?"

I have no problem with this, although some people claim it sets you up for thinking relationships can just be broken and you'll end up getting married and divorced a lot. I completely disagree. Relationships change a lot when they go from friendship to romantic, and that "going steady" phase is where you find a lot of that out. Better to find it out when there's very little commitment (the only commitment is to the relationship - which, remember, is to get to know each other on a deeper level and really figure out if, rather than just being someone you "could" marry, this is someone you want to marry --- I hope people can see the difference) than get married without really seeing how you relate to each other as a couple and ending up getting something you hadn't bargained for. It's not any different than having a lot of acquaintances that you spend time with and figure out if they're just acquaintances, or actual friends.

Then engagement, which is only as long as it takes to plan a weeding, IMO. At that point, there will still be surprises, as there will be all your lives, but probably nothing major, and you know that this is the person who want to be with forever. Plan the wedding, then . . .

Get married.

That's the way I do it, anyway. I think (of course ) that it makes a lot of sense. Once you understand that the modern usage of "dating" has little to do with actual dates, and more to do with the status of the relationship (and still doesn't have to do with dates, but means being a couple), it makes more sense that someone would say, "I won't date a person I wouldn't marry." But even that is superficial - how do you get to know if someone is even remotely marriage material if you don't do something that will let you know that - like go on a date. To me, it means, "I won't waste my time on someone who opposes me on my deal breakers - they're not Christian, they want kids, they want to move to North Dakota . . . whatever, but I know they don't fit even my basic criteria for a marriage partner, even though they may be a lot of fun and I like them."

For me, dating looks about the same as all my friendships - we go have dinner, to a movie, for coffee, rollerblading - but we know there's the possibility for something else. That's why we date - to see how we might work on a different level, and if moving on into the next phase is something we want to do. Sometimes it's obvious quickly, other times it takes a while. For me, "dating" doesn't imply any commitment at all. I currently "date" a couple men, but I haven't had a boyfriend since March.

 

[LN]

hmm...

I can only share my experience.

I dated a lot before I met my husband. A lot being an understatement. Don't get me wrong here, I didn't sleep with any of these guys. I barely even kissed them. But if they want to buy me dinner and see if there is mutual interest, who am I to stop them

I met my husband while we were working on a project together, and a month later when the project ended he took me out on a date. The amount of thought and effort that went into that date really impressed me.

Six months later we were engaged.

I'm not sure if you have to be friends first... although I could see it being helpful. I think you could also become friends while dating.

This is just my experience, so take it for what its worth... but I'm not sure its helpful to have terms and conditions for dating. Scriptural ones, sure - like no sex before marriage and only being yoked with believers. But I think its probably best to keep an open mind and heart and see how things evolve based on each individual circumstance. There are some people I was friends with and then dated, there are others I met and started dating. Each situation was different and required different approaches.

LN

 

[Sunbeam]

I'm not sure if you have to be friends first... although I could see it being helpful. I think you could also become friends while dating.

This is just my experience, so take it for what its worth... but I'm not sure its helpful to have terms and conditions for dating. Scriptural ones, sure - like no sex before marriage and only being yoked with believers. But I think its probably best to keep an open mind and heart and see how things evolve based on each individual circumstance. There are some people I was friends with and then dated, there are others I met and started dating. Each situation was different and required different approaches.

I agree with you where I think that you can start out friends or dating, but the dating has to be clear (with me, anyway) that it's on a friendship level. Or to go out for lunch instead of dinner, or a midday snack at first. I don't want anyone confused thinking they are going to get a kiss that turns into a tonuge kiss and start groping me. Not good.

Honestly, I haven't dated much though. But when I have dated, I know that men will try for things. And besides kissing, handholding and hugging, that's it before marriage.

Goodness, when I was leaving the gas station after the attendant filled it (no self-serve here) once, he put his face in through the window and kissed me with his tonuge in my mouth. I never saw him before that and I hardly said anything to him. "10 of regular please" with a straight face is not any kind of a invitation to anything.

People are just too unpredictable for me not to tell them in some way what I want and expect, to see if they agree. And friends and "friends" should not have a basis for careless talking if I can help it either.

 

[doclkk]

Oh Romeo romeo, wherefore art thy Romeo.

Romeo, Romeo, why the he** is your name Romeo?!

It's just a name. But i encourage you to break the trend though. Don't be a boyfriend that has sex before marriage and have a goal.

Does dating have a serious goal - ideally, i get married to the girl I'm dating, but as Gump says - stuff happens. It's probably most for experience - i think that's a worthy goal.

The word Dating - i know a lot about this - I'm Asian - and in Asian households, to say dating before 18 is to ask for an argument, a deathmatch, with parents. Instead of date, say that you're hanging out, you're chilling, you're "kicking it" (as my California "homies" would say), or whatever euphemism to escape the term dating. Going out is another term you could use. You could say "I'm seeing someone." You could say "I'm in a committed relationship." You could also say "I'm dating my hopeful fiancee."

when it all comes down to it, it's semantics, but if it's important to you then pick up a euphemism.

 

[LN]

Sunbeam, I know what you mean about people being unpredictable. I get my share of weirdos too. If someone came in to try to kiss me at a gas station I would not think twice about slapping them. I tend to lose patience quickly with people who don't understand bounderies.

In my dating experience, if I wanted to make it clear that I wanted to move slowly, I might casually say in conversation that I like to take it really slow with people when dating them. That way they get the hint that kissing on a first date isn't ok with me.

The only thing is that if you tell someone that you are interested in dating them as friends, they might get the idea you're not interested. They might not understand that all you mean is that you want things to move slowly - they might get the wrong idea that they are getting let down easy. Guys need feedback that women are interested before they have the guts to move the relationship along. In my experience, guys are petrified of rejection.

Guys? Any thoughts on this?

I'd just hate to see you miss out on something great because of a misundestanding about semantics. In my experiences once guys hear the "f" word (friends), they figure you aren't into them.

 

[doclkk]

The only thing is that if you tell someone that you are interested in dating them as friends, they might get the idea you're not interested. They might not understand that all you mean is that you want things to move slowly - they might get the wrong idea that they are getting let down easy. Guys need feedback that women are interested before they have the guts to move the relationship along. In my experience, guys are petrified of rejection.

Guys? Any thoughts on this?

I'd just hate to see you miss out on something great because of a misundestanding about semantics. In my experiences once guys hear the "f" word (friends), they figure you aren't into them.

NO - NO WAY!!! =) =) ... whenEVER i hear a girl say "Let's just be friends," - that means, they aren't interested, because essentially they're saying, "I do'nt even want to be friends." =P

This is what I hear, and although I fear rejection, i've had my share of it.

 

[stubbornkelly]

Let's "just" be friends is different than a woman calling a man her friend. And even let's "just" be friends can indeed mean she wants to be friends rather than romantic partners. What else do you do when you still like a person, but it's not gonna work in a romantic way? Break it off completely? Why would you do that?

 

[TromboneMan]

I'm a 46 year old never married single, and over all the years I've found that "Let's just be friends" was often just a polite euphemism for "I don't want to date you." Sometimes it meant "I don't want to date you now, " because the other person was in another relationship. Other times I would hear that, and find that the other person avoided me very strongly after that.

I think that we'll need to avoid trying to use terms and euphemisms, and find ways to tell the truth to each other in the love of Christ, and to treat each other like brothers and sisters in Christ more than dating objects. Let's look at what scripture says:

Psalm34:11-14 Come, my children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the LORD.
12 Whoever of you loves life
and desires to see many good days,
13 keep your tongue from evil
and your lips from speaking lies.
14 Turn from evil and do good;
seek peace and pursue it.
(NIV)

Maybe we should consider these kinds of things:

1. Can I ask this other person to be a friend and then treat the person like a friend after that?
2. Am I using these kinds of expressions to avoid saying what I really mean? Is this a mixed message I'm sending? Am I developing guileful or dishonest ways of dealing with the opposite sex?
3. Are there actually possibilities of a future courtship and marriage that I could be sabotaging by not carefully communicating what I really want?

Maybe "Let's be friends" is not enough. Maybe it should be more like "We'll always be brothers and sisters in Christ, and let's always treat each other like that." And if there actually is the possibility of more, add on, "Maybe we could continue to follow Christ and see if he leads us to be more than that."