What is my obligation?

[verob]

I apologize in advance this may be long or hard to follow. I am married with two children. My husband has an 8 year old girl from a previous relationship. The mother of this child has 5 other children-with five different men. When my husband was with her she had two boys and then became pregnant with his daughter. While he was with her he developed a relationship with the two boys. They both call him "daddy". The oldest one has a biological father that he knows, but is not really part of his life. The mother does not know who the younger boys father is-she had several men tested, but none of them were a DNA match. Anyway, when we first got together he would get the boys every now and then and this has been dwindling as the years go by. There were also some instances with the oldest boy and my stepdaughter which resulted in them not being able to spend the night at the same house-so now if he were to get the boys it would have to be when she is not with us-which is rarely. The last few months he has not had any contact with them, but this Christmas he expressed that he felt very bad for them, b/c they don't have anyone in their lives that are positive influences. He said that the reason he doesn't get them any more is b/c he could tell it bothered me-which is does. I try not to say much, b/c I too feel bad for them and at times I feel like it's the Godly thing to do-to be in their lives and be a good role model for them. At the same time, I have resentment when they are around that they aren't really his kids and I feel like it takes time away from our kids. Also, I don't really want my kids thinking that they are their brothers b/c they have a lot of emotional and behavioral issues that I don't want influencing my kids. Then ultimately I end up feeling bad that I even feel that way, and some times I feel like I'm obligated to them since I new about them when we got together. I would appreciate any opinions on this matter-as far as-

 

[DZoolander]

I can see both sides - as can you apparently.

At the same time, however, I think your primary obligation is to your children (and by extension to the daughter he has with the other woman...that's part of the deal). As for the other kids - it would be *nice* if they could continue to be a part of your husband's life if he's acting as a good influence on them. But, if the kids are harmful to yours, then that issue takes precedence and it can't be "nice".

At least that's how I'd look at it. Ideally - it would be wonderful if you could have a kumbaya life where everyone got along together fine - but it's not the ideal in this situation.

At least that's my opinion.

 

[tall73]

I am not sure yet what advice to give, however, I did want to ask some clarifying questions.


It sounds like his daughter with her, your step-daughter, lives with you. You also mentioned issues between her and one of the other children from this previous relationship. Were these issues something that would put her in danger, or were they just personality issues?

How does your step-daughter feel about all this?

How do you feel about your step-daughter?

How does your step-daughter feel about you?

 

[tall73]

Another clarification--You have a Christian icon. If your husband was spending time assisting children at an orphanage as part of a Christian ministry would you resent that?

It sounds like this is something he wants to do to be a role model and to minster to them. While it would take some of his time, perhaps he could just go to take them out somewhere a couple times a month, to dinner or an activity. It would almost be like a big brother program. I am not sure of your finances and whether this is feasible. He wouldn't have to bring them home necessarily to be an influence.

You mentioned it taking away time from the other children. Does he spend much time with your children now? Or has it been a challenge in that way.

Does he spend much time with you now?

 

[verob]

EZoolander-I agree-I feel like ideally it's good/nice, but it causes strife b/t us and ultimately I will always put my kids first whether consciously or not.
tall73-My stepdaughter actually lives with mu mother-in-law at this time. Her mother sent her there b/c "she had too much to handle with all the kids", but didn't want her to live with us, b/c she feels like she would loose control over this situation (in my opinion). However, my stepdaughter is with us every weekend and on all other school breaks, and we are pursueing custody. she should be with us full time within the next 6 months. The issues were sexual so yes she and my children could potentially be in danger if left alone with him, which they are not (at my house)-she is at her mother's house. I love my stepdaughter-she loves me. If there were like a big brother type situation no I would not resent that. yes I think I would feel better about it if they weren't brought to our house given the situation. He spends some time with the children-he needs work in that area-I guess I feel like it's taking away from children more so in the area of them being an influence on my kids.

 

[tall73]

EZoolander-I agree-I feel like ideally it's good/nice, but it causes strife b/t us and ultimately I will always put my kids first whether consciously or not.
tall73-My stepdaughter actually lives with mu mother-in-law at this time. Her mother sent her there b/c "she had too much to handle with all the kids", but didn't want her to live with us, b/c she feels like she would loose control over this situation (in my opinion). However, my stepdaughter is with us every weekend and on all other school breaks, and we are pursueing custody. she should be with us full time within the next 6 months. The issues were sexual so yes she and my children could potentially be in danger if left alone with him, which they are not (at my house)-she is at her mother's house. I love my stepdaughter-she loves me. If there were like a big brother type situation no I would not resent that. yes I think I would feel better about it if they weren't brought to our house given the situation. He spends some time with the children-he needs work in that area-I guess I feel like it's taking away from children more so in the area of them being an influence on my kids.

So it sounds like that is a possible solution then. He could go on a periodic, regular basis, and take them somewhere to eat, go do some activities, spend time with them, and they would not be around your children. If he planned it for x number of times per month then everyone could plan around it.

If he starts making time for these children, tell him to plan some time with your kids too for organized activities. Then you can solve this issue and see some improvement with him spending time with your children as well. You can tell him that way your kids wouldn't feel jealous about him taking out the other kids if he does the same with them.

Could be a win-win.

Does he wind up spending enough time with you? You could throw in a date night if it would not be pushing your luck! Just tell him that you agree with him about the need for him to spend more time with them, and you want to make a plan that would wind up being better for everyone involved.

 

[verob]

Great advice. Thanks! We are working on date nights! :-/

 

[DZoolander]

Yeah - I was about to ask... Were the issues physical abuse or sexual in nature? Those are really the only things that would come into play there.

It's not even really an issue of being "selfish" IMHO - and or "putting your kids first" - although that DOES play a part in it. The simple fact of the matter is that (I believe) you have no right to endanger others for your own purposes.

Like - say I wanted to go out and rehabilitate mass murderers who had a history of killing families. If it were just me by myself - I could roll the dice/do my best/take my life into my own hands. That's my decision. However, I do not think I would have a right to embark on that kind of quest if I had a family. In my view - the rights of those around me not to be subjected and/or be brought into the "line of sight" of some maniac takes precedence over whatever "good works" I would like to gamble with.

The kid apparently is known to have certain behavioral/sexually aberrant tendencies. Your children's right not to be molested by some other kid takes precedence over trying to be a "good role model"...IMHO.

 

[verob]

I agree completely!

 

[LinkH]

He can take them somewhere and not have them spend the night.

 

[DZoolander]

That would work, too.

 

[sdmsanjose]

You and your husband’s first obligation are to your children and step child not the boys from the other woman. If your husband can fulfill all his father duties for his children and still have time to take the boys separately to other places and spend time and nurture them then everybody is happy. However, you stated that “He spends some time with the children-he needs work in that area”


My advice would be for you and your husband to concentrate on your own children including the step-chain but not the other boys. Once you get that down pat then you can take on the other boys.