What is my ex up to?

[fields316_2000]

My exwife cheated on me, broke up the family and moved on with the guy she was seeing during the marriage - this was nearly 4 years ago.

we never spoke about anything when she was caught. she just up and filed for divorce the following day and told the court she was afraid for her life so i was told to move out. well i did. i ended up with my house back and some shared time with our kids.

up to this point, i've left her alone. i've never called her or text her about anything. i've never asked about her and i and never tried to get back at her.

however, recently shes been popping up in odd ways. she texts me here and there over nonsense (she told me one of my favorite athletes died to get my attention) or will try to provoke me to arguements .
When the kids had a dental exam that i took them to, she was there- inside the building with shades on, a new shirt that says 'i love my bf' and her hair done to a t just to 'be there ' ..that struck me as wierd.

then i see she tried to follow me on social media with her name being 'herboyfriendsspecialdoll' - i blocked her and didnt mention it. Now she starting arguements again, while putting our kids in the middle , sending messages through them or just flat out slandering me to them, so i blocked her from texting me. i told her that if she has to reach me, it should be about the kids and important. i refuse to argue with her anymore and dont want to have a casual relationship with her.

since then she's been accusing me of talking to the kids bad about her and now searches their emails (she took the passwords) for our discussions when they email me..

why do you think she is doing this stuff and why? i dont bother her and i dont give her a reason to be hostile withe me

 

[dayhiker]

women ... I can't figure out what she is upto.
The obvious one would be she now realizes you were a good guy! But her actions don't show she wasn't to be good to you.

Nope I don't get it. Probably would take another woman to explain that one.

 

[fields316_2000]

the thought crossed my mind that she may not have totally gotten over the relationship so she's acting out

or

she's doing what she can to hurt me because she's upset that life didnt turn out the way she wanted it to. she was telling me that, prior to her walking out, that i held her back (i pushed her to go to school and work and she didnt ) and that the new guy was going to help her get a great paying job, new car and a fresh new start. the reality is she moved to an apt that has been rat infested, her old car broken into twice and our kids dont respect her for bringing the new guy around to pretend to take my place..so i can understand her frustration but making me the villian isnt going to redeem her problems

 

[dayhiker]

Ah .. so she in no way takes responsibility for her actions which came from really bad decisions.

 

[Avniel]

If I were you I would start documenting these interactions.

You may have been kinder? She might miss the family time? She might miss being with a real man? She might even just miss you but lashes out because your good.


I'd say cut all contact and have a third party member pick up and drop off children, keep 0 contact only through a 3rd person.

 

[fields316_2000]

Yes she made alot of bad decisions and doesnt want to admit it or accept responsibility for those actions.

and i did cut as much contact as possible. she would text me nonsense to pick fights with me here and there...so i went to my phone company and blocked all her text message coming into me. i let her know that if she wanted to talk to me it has to be important and about the kids and on the phone no more cheap shots hidding behind texts to fight. i have no reason to continue with her..when that happened she went to our kids and accused them of telling me something she said and demanded to see their email accounts and all the emails they sent

 

[dayhiker]

Ya, always good to document what she is doing so if you have to go after custody of the kids you have some documentation and a history of it.

 

[fields316_2000]

i would but courts hate men

 

[toLiJC]

the love(ie the good treatment) solves all lack of amity

Blessings

 

[bethrow]

She sounds bored and unhappy with her life.
I would be documenting everything she does, everything she says, and keep all of her nasty text messages and possibly record her calls.
She is probably so unhappy with her life that she has to continuously create drama so that she can bad mouth about you to her family, her friends, and whoever will listen. Document everything. She's looking for things to pin on you. She sounds nuts. I feel sorry for your children that they have to live with her.

 

[fields316_2000]

She sounds bored and unhappy with her life.
I would be documenting everything she does, everything she says, and keep all of her nasty text messages and possibly record her calls.
She is probably so unhappy with her life that she has to continuously create drama so that she can bad mouth about you to her family, her friends, and whoever will listen. Document everything. She's looking for things to pin on you. She sounds nuts. I feel sorry for your children that they have to live with her.

so far i've got all her messages saved. i only allow her to call me if it's only about the boys. anything else i do not comment on or speak on.

so to correctly repeat you, it sounds like she maybe frustrated, angry and feels like she needs a villian in her life, so she wants to manufacture me into this person; then she'd have a reason to complain. however, without my contacting her , talking to her or even argueing with her, she's in a worse position because im blameless?

 

[dayhiker]

fields, courts do favor the women, that is for sure. But if a guy goes in with good documentation and presents that data then the court has to deal honestly with that data. Ya, your guilty till you prove your innocent. So prove it. I've seen courts stand behind a friend of mine who documented his and his ex's situation. So do the work and it will pay off.

 

[bethrow]

so far i've got all her messages saved. i only allow her to call me if it's only about the boys. anything else i do not comment on or speak on.

so to correctly repeat you, it sounds like she maybe frustrated, angry and feels like she needs a villian in her life, so she wants to manufacture me into this person; then she'd have a reason to complain. however, without my contacting her , talking to her or even argueing with her, she's in a worse position because im blameless?

Yes..I think you are probably right.
May I ask if she is a Christian? Does she attend church?
It just sounds to me like she's bored and unhappy and will possibly go to great lengths to make you out to be a horrible guy. You say she's always talking bad about you to the kids. That is so damaging to kids. She needs to keep quiet around the kids when it comes to you. If my husband and I get angry with each other I try to never involve my son. I did it once and I could see him siding with me against my husband. That was wrong of me to do.
Anyway...just keep documenting everything.

 

[mkgal1]

She sounds bored and unhappy with her life.
I would be documenting everything she does, everything she says, and keep all of her nasty text messages and possibly record her calls.
She is probably so unhappy with her life that she has to continuously create drama so that she can bad mouth about you to her family, her friends, and whoever will listen. Document everything. She's looking for things to pin on you. She sounds nuts. I feel sorry for your children that they have to live with her.

ITA! How old are you children, Fields? Are they nearing the age where they can make a choice as to where they live?

 

[fields316_2000]

she said she is a christian. she visits different churches here and there, but over all, the guy she left me for is an athiest. so when he's around they dont go to church or talk about God at all.
The kids are 13 and 12 ; they have said for years they are tired of her yelling and overall bullying and want to live with me. she told them they are only threatening her and refuses to let them come live with me or come home for more than the court alotted time frame that was issued. here , in cali, i was told 14 is the age the court will hear them out- so now shes alil less aggressive with them but she still has rages accusing them of slandering her while with me.
why would she want to paint me as a villian at all? she wanted all of this. i begged her to work this out before she left and she said no. she said she wanted out , didnt want a dime from me and i could see the kids any time i wanted. well she took as much money as possible in court keeps the kids from me and is doing all she can to attack me to anyone that would listen when i left HER ALONE!

 

[Avniel]

she said she is a christian. she visits different churches here and there, but over all, the guy she left me for is an athiest. so when he's around they dont go to church or talk about God at all.
The kids are 13 and 12 ; they have said for years they are tired of her yelling and overall bullying and want to live with me. she told them they are only threatening her and refuses to let them come live with me or come home for more than the court alotted time frame that was issued. here , in cali, i was told 14 is the age the court will hear them out- so now shes alil less aggressive with them but she still has rages accusing them of slandering her while with me.
why would she want to paint me as a villian at all? she wanted all of this. i begged her to work this out before she left and she said no. she said she wanted out , didnt want a dime from me and i could see the kids any time i wanted. well she took as much money as possible in court keeps the kids from me and is doing all she can to attack me to anyone that would listen when i left HER ALONE!

You reap what you sow now she's dealing with her sinful choices and by the looks of things it's only getting worse

 

[fields316_2000]

i'd like to think of it like that..that i was at the bottom of a hill and im making my way up..and she lied cheated and stole and it's going down hill every day

 

[mkgal1]

she said she is a christian. she visits different churches here and there, but over all, the guy she left me for is an athiest. so when he's around they dont go to church or talk about God at all.
The kids are 13 and 12 ; they have said for years they are tired of her yelling and overall bullying and want to live with me. she told them they are only threatening her and refuses to let them come live with me or come home for more than the court alotted time frame that was issued. here , in cali, i was told 14 is the age the court will hear them out- so now shes alil less aggressive with them but she still has rages accusing them of slandering her while with me.

why would she want to paint me as a villian at all? she wanted all of this. i begged her to work this out before she left and she said no. she said she wanted out , didnt want a dime from me and i could see the kids any time i wanted. well she took as much money as possible in court keeps the kids from me and is doing all she can to attack me to anyone that would listen when i left HER ALONE!

I've read the same thing.....that the age 14 is when the courts have to hear the children out, as far as where they would prefer to live. I can be wrong.....I don't have *any* experience in that type of situation.....but, I don't think both of your children need to be 14. IOW....the older one should be able to speak on behalf of the younger one.

As to your question as to *why* she would want to paint you as a villain.....because she doesn't want to be the villain herself. IOW....she would rather be in denial than to acknowledge her own faults. A biblical account that really impresses that is Cain and Abel. The verses that're so profound (IMO) are Genesis 4:6-7

Why are you so angry?" the LORD asked Cain. "Why do you look so dejected? You will be accepted if you do what is right. But if you refuse to do what is right, then watch out! Sin is crouching at the door, eager to control you. But you must subdue it and be its master."

 

[fields316_2000]

Thank you ive never made the connection with Cain and Able ! Cain wouldnt accept his fault and made excuses ..sounds very familiar .
I will keep things quiet save for a lawyer then go get the boys back via court when they get a birthday out of the way

 

[fields316_2000]

one of my buddies just had a terrible situation with his ex also , with kids involved. he said that she stole his clothes, his work equipment and the petty cash from his things. he called the police and they didnt do anything. after he got his things back he told me something profound - that despite all the mean things she did to him and all the grief, he can sleep well at night knowing he didnt do anything out of line and she has to live with her terrible decisions.
is it possible my ex has the same weight on her? when we dont talk she may feel that im doing some kinda payback to her or returning the evil she gave me. the fact im NOT doing anything may drive her up the wall with paranoia?