What is going too far physically?

Timyone · May 18, 2006

i used to be verry relaxed on this topic, and i was no sexual intercourse, meaning every thing else was ok. untill one night when i was being verry relaxed in relation to how much was ok to drink, i woke up and found that id been a bit relaxed with an ex girl friend and wasnt a virgin. i was wrecked for a long time over it. but wonder these days if i was actually pretty much goin all the way any way.

so at the moment im pretty much no any thing. but have been staying so far from situations where its a problem (well i think gods sorta kept me out of them).
but the main thing is, its all in the moment and as soon as that moments over, it is over, so i dont reckon its worth giving in to at the time.

but yeah biblically i feel that it can be taken a bit openly, how far is all cool. but i think at the time i was reading alot of the old testament to base things on. listen to paul and youll be probably more in context with the bible.

sounds like your pretty good at waiting, and youve waited this long, so you might as well wait till the marridge bit. its more for the girl than for you that your waiting (personal oppinion).

oh yeah and try not to go for the sort of girls that will spend their lives trying to get you to go further, if you think it will be a problem :S

Blank123 · May 18, 2006

I know some Christians who believe one should not kiss until they are married. I respect their views and discipline, but is it the best strategy?
What if you 2 do not have similar physical needs? What if your chemistry is off with theirs.

be careful here because this is the exact same argument that people who are for premarital sex give to justify their views. I remember watching Sharon Osbourne's show one time and she said outright that she didn't want any of her kids getting married to someone that they hadn't slept with first

I think personally as far as kissing goes, it's up to the individual couples to decide what God wants for them. If kissing is too much of a temptation then it might be a good idea to hold off. If that couple hasn't been convicted to save kissing for marriage and kissing doesn't present temptations then thats fine too. I think though that if that couple does decide to hold off until marriage and if what they have is real love then they should be able to figure out how to kiss so that both people can enjoy it

intricatic · May 18, 2006

KrillBee said:
The one you marry is the only person that God allows us to have sex with. The ONLY person. Unless she happens to die or something.

Sex is the one thing that makes marriage officially marriage. The physical is what sets apart romantic relationships from friendships.

whats the one thing that married people do that nonmarried close friends dont do? have sex.

and usually because they are allowed to have sex, they live together, and they feel more emotionally tied together, etc. I would rather not be married, than be married to someone and have a horrible sex life with them.

I dont see how one could neglect the sex part of marriage.

Communication is the key to fixing any issue in a marriage. Most people don't realize that, though.

And no, romance is what sets romantic relationships apart from friendships. It's not uncommon to confuse sex and romance, though.

I will agree, though, that sex is sort of the "glue" of the relationship, but it's incredibly easy to fix any problems that arise regarding this particular part of a relationship. Provided that you actually talk to your partner, and not just treat them like a living blow-up doll.

That's why I'm saying it's truly not the most important part. If you set that glue too soon, you're going to be in a lot of emotional trouble. It does tend to bond people together, and it's important to know who you're getting tied together with before it happens. That's the entire reason behind abstaining; that once you find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, and are sure they aren't totally incompatible with you, you'll probably think marriage is the obvious next step, and thusly sex and physical intimacy can develop.

eringilmour · May 18, 2006

Can I be blunt!!!!!

Ok This is my opinion!!!!

Getting naked is too far, evenslight foreplay in my view is too far, this may just be me as I feel that if you allow yourself to 'get turned on' you may end up doing something that you will regret.... I have put this boundary for me out of experience ( don't even ask) We ended up not spreaking for a year, b/c I said no and things got awkward and stuff but yea it is important for you to have your own boundaries and how far you feel you can Go......

My pastor once said 'If you see temptation to sin run the opposite way' this is my thinking on the subject.

invisiblebabe · May 18, 2006

Chemistry, you can tell just from being close to someone physically.... kissing or anything else isn't necessary

ie people who save their first kiss for the alter usually still get the same 'buzz' out of it for the rest of their marriage. Whereas those that don't, lose that specialness. Holding hands the same.

In otherwords (from my observations) what you save, you keep the thrill from for the rest of your marriage. What you give up, you lose the edge off.

Not always, not always.

First of all, God restores

Secondly, there are at least a few things we saved for marriage (and rightly so) that I don't like at all, and didn't like the first time we tried them either

invisiblebabe · May 18, 2006

KrillBee said:
Sex is the one thing that makes marriage officially marriage. The physical is what sets apart romantic relationships from friendships.

Not true, the vows are what make marriage what it is... marriage is a covenant, first and foremost.

Sex is one thing that separates marriage from other relationships (at least ideally so, but in our fallen world, things don't always happen ideally). There are many other things, though, that separate marriage from other relationships. The permanent and exclusive nature, for one (like i said, the vows ). The degree of emotional investment is another.... shared financial responsibility and provision for each other, social and legal recognition, etc etc

Sex is important, yes, but it isn't the only thing that makes marriage special or unique

-kayli

growingupinhim · May 18, 2006

this thread reminds me of a quote i heard..
your morals will determine your theology..and vice a versa.

JPPT1974 · May 18, 2006

Amen to that as I couldn't agree anymore
God bless!

KrillBee · May 18, 2006

Weasel7711 said:
And with all of these comments we can safely say, it depends on the couple.

gotta love those safe answers to these kinds of questions
I'd say in regards to temptation, what you can do depends on the couple,
I think I'm wondering more about what is considered "sin" though. What type of physical contact does God smile upon, if any? (when you are not married)

Personally I have found getting to physically involved just leads to complication later down the line if you end up breaking up. That is mostly just me as I tend to dive into relationships and not think beforehand, then once I realize the water is too deep... the girl gets hurt.

the girl gets hurt you say. do you get hurt as much as she does?

Sorry about that bad tie in to the analogy at the end.

lol, its okay.

Im hoping to abstain from excessive physical contact from now on until I get married.

probably a good idea.

eatenbylocusts said:
I would suggest figuring out your boundaries before you get into a relationship, or just don't touch anyone until you figure it out.

My ex-bf had it all figured out. I think I got my first hug on our 4th date and that was after some very deep conversations to determine our compatibility for marriage. We only hugged at the end of our dates. We had started pre-marital classes and we were going to have our first kiss after the classes finished. He had already told me that he didn't think we should french kiss until after marriage.

sounds like you did have it figured out! Good planning.

Personally I think the longer you hold off on the physical stuff the better. The decision to continue the relationship should be based on compatibility, not because you're enjoying the physical contact so much you don't want to stop, or you can't even think about anything else.

yeah, i agree very much that personality compatibility should be explored long before the physical should be.

I just wonder if you can actually know if you 2 are physically compatible, without touching each other. can you sense it?

Timyone said:
sounds like your pretty good at waiting, and youve waited this long, so you might as well wait till the marridge bit. its more for the girl than for you that your waiting (personal oppinion).

lol, the problem is actually that I'm introverted and I'm picky when it comes to women. (a few times women have liked me but i didnt like them back) So I really havent dated anyone. Hopefully I'll be as good at waiting once I'm dating.

little_tigress said:
be careful here because this is the exact same argument that people who are for premarital sex give to justify their views. I remember watching Sharon Osbourne's show one time and she said outright that she didn't want any of her kids getting married to someone that they hadn't slept with first

Yeah, I know the same argument 'could' apply to premarital sex, but it doesnt, since the bible spells out that premarital sex is wrong.
we have to work within the framework that God has given us, for exploring compatibility, and that framework doesnt involve premarital sex.

KrillBee · May 19, 2006

intricatic said:
Communication is the key to fixing any issue in a marriage. Most people don't realize that, though.

what if 2 people firmly disagree on something? I dont know how communication can resolve that.

And no, romance is what sets romantic relationships apart from friendships. It's not uncommon to confuse sex and romance, though.

i said physical, but i didnt necessarily mean sex. most romantic relationships are characterized by holding hands, hugging, kissing, etc. I suppose one could be in love without the physical stuff, but that would be pretty hard on those people i think

If you are really in love with someone (but dont believe in any touch before marriage), you should get married to them (assuming they are a christian and u arent confusing passion with love), and then you should be physical. I think God meant for romance and sex to be together, as long as its done according to His ways.

I will agree, though, that sex is sort of the "glue" of the relationship, but it's incredibly easy to fix any problems that arise regarding this particular part of a relationship. Provided that you actually talk to your partner, and not just treat them like a living blow-up doll.

Yes but when 2 people have different physical needs, then a compromise is the only good solution it seems. And a compromise isnt the best kinda solution. its best to find someone with the same needs to begin with.

eringilmour said:
Can I be blunt!!!!!

Ok This is my opinion!!!!

Getting naked is too far, evenslight foreplay in my view is too far, this may just be me as I feel that if you allow yourself to 'get turned on' you may end up doing something that you will regret....

Yeah, being naked together is too close to it being sex. Foreplay can be vague though, im not sure what you mean. Some people consider kissing to be foreplay, while others consider it to be rubbing, or something like that. Granted all out making out though could probably lead to some bad places.

invisiblebabe said:
Chemistry, you can tell just from being close to someone physically.... kissing or anything else isn't necessary

so you can just sense it? how do you know if your chemistry senses are right?

Secondly, there are at least a few things we saved for marriage (and rightly so) that I don't like at all, and didn't like the first time we tried them either

this is EXACTLY what I'm worried about! What if I marry someone and she doesnt like to do the things that I want to do? Then what?

eatenbylocusts · May 19, 2006

KrillBee said:
this is EXACTLY what I'm worried about! What if I marry someone and she doesnt like to do the things that I want to do? Then what?

When you get close to getting engaged you can talk about this stuff.

sherri · May 19, 2006

eatenbylocusts said:
When you get close to getting engaged you can talk about this stuff.

Exactly! If it's normal sex then I don't think you're going to have problems with any woman - but if it's dirt then you're going to have problems in the long term whether the girl agrees to it or not.

Not trying to put words in your mouth or whatever but if you get into that arena you're not going to end up cherishing your wife (it's kind of hard to cherish someone you've lost respect for and are using to whatever extent as a blow up doll) and once that happens your sex life is going to start going downhill anyway.

As for what kind of physical intimacy does God allow outside of marriage. Easy - anything you'd do with another mans wife (because until you're married, thats what she is)

Seriously, if you respect and honour your wife, have a healthy marriage, don't expect her to do stuff with you that you wouldn't like somebody doing with your daughter or mother (and you'd be happy telling God about remembering that your wife is his daughter) and your wife doesn't have hangups from abuse issues or has lost interest in sex to whatever extent from being used in the past - you're going to have a good sex life.

From everything I've heard on the subject, it ultimatly seems to boil down to - the better your marriage, the better your sex life. And from what I understand it's a bit of a learning curve until both partners are happy anyway to begin with.

If you use your wife you'll turn her off sex. If you're dirty you're going to have issues regardless. If you cherish your wife and honour her and be unselfish in the bedroom you'll be fine.

(unless she trys to use it as a weapon)

(but if that happens tell her to read the bible )

blairellis · May 19, 2006

Well, I can for one say I have made some poor choices in the past which have not lead to marriage, so I know what not to do in further relationsips. That being said, in my oppinion, any kind of touchy feely/heavy petting situations...BIG NO NO. Kissing, I dont think is wrong, but it can, if not gone unchecked, lead to a touchy feely relationship if that is all you get together and do all the time. And yes, obviously sex before marriage is wrong which Im happy to say I have kept this far

Cdtchick06 · May 19, 2006

can i ask a honest question and get an honest answer... im 18 and a christian... im just wondering... how many of you can honestly say you havent had sex or any sexual active. Im not just talking "all the way". I can honestly say i have made those choices to have intercourse. But i really do not think its right that people do one and tell others to do another. But if ur giving advice and telling them well i did this but i wish i would have done this... but if ur saying dont have sex but tonight you have it. Kinda weird? just wondering how many of you are honestly not sexually active. not bashing--- just asking...

findinghope06 · May 19, 2006

Cdtchick06 said:
can i ask a honest question and get an honest answer... im 18 and a christian... im just wondering... how many of you can honestly say you havent had sex or any sexual active. Im not just talking "all the way". I can honestly say i have made those choices to have intercourse. But i really do not think its right that people do one and tell others to do another. But if ur giving advice and telling them well i did this but i wish i would have done this... but if ur saying dont have sex but tonight you have it. Kinda weird? just wondering how many of you are honestly not sexually active. not bashing--- just asking...

im not. i have only kissed one guy in my life (only a peck) and i hated it. havent done that since. (i figure it will be better with my husband anyways ) why run the risk of being hypocritical and having everyone disregard what you are saying. thats silly to me. anyways, at a Bible study not too long ago, we talked about always doing what is right so then when you are critized or what not, then they have nothing to use against you. so thats kind of how i go about things

Alenci · May 19, 2006

Going back to the topic a few posts ago, I really think that people make a needlessly big deal out of the physical compatibility/chemistry stuff. It is only singles that I hear turning it into a big issue. Married people seem rather unanimous that compatibility comes from having a strong marriage and love and respect for the other person (and also, as a side note, that performance isn't a big deal, as it seems to be to singles).

I really think physical compatibility is a very worldly idea. Saying things like "I would hesitate to marry so-and-so because he/she won't do xyz sexual act with me" places a heavy emphasis on self-gratification. In a loving marriage, each partner ought to naturally want to do whatever would please the other. It is only because the world has such a focus on self-gratification that sexual relationships break down or become boring.

Other types of compatibility ought to receive far more weight in consideration. Not only because they are more important, as most people agree, but also because they are based on personality and other factors that are difficult to change. A person has some degree of control over how they speak, their interests, etc., but it is based largely on their personality. Whereas their sexual behavior is more of a voluntary decision.

That's my two cents, anyway.

intricatic · May 19, 2006

Cdtchick06 said:
can i ask a honest question and get an honest answer... im 18 and a christian... im just wondering... how many of you can honestly say you havent had sex or any sexual active. Im not just talking "all the way". I can honestly say i have made those choices to have intercourse. But i really do not think its right that people do one and tell others to do another. But if ur giving advice and telling them well i did this but i wish i would have done this... but if ur saying dont have sex but tonight you have it. Kinda weird? just wondering how many of you are honestly not sexually active. not bashing--- just asking...

Depends on how you define "sexually active". I've been not only celibate, but by all definitions completely unattached for over two years now, and I intend on keeping it that way until I find the woman I'm going to marry.

intricatic · May 19, 2006

I seem to agree with sherri a lot on this topic.

YouthPastor · May 19, 2006

KrillBee said:
thanks for your response.

I have to ask though, since i dont think you addressed this question of mine earlier,

what do you do, if you wait until marriage until the first kiss, and you find out you have no spark with them? Like what if there are chemistry problems?

Or suppose in the months to follow you realize that their appetite for kissing or sex isnt the same as yours?

Not sure of what kind of "spark" you are talking about?

chemistry problems?

if you have gotten to be friend with the person... gotten to know them - I am not sure either really applies. you should know if there are sparks or chemistry - why else would you consider marrying them?

If you mean....sexual "spark" or of you like the way they kiss etc... most of those issues can be communicated through

eatenbylocusts · May 19, 2006

Cdtchick06 said:
can i ask a honest question and get an honest answer... im 18 and a christian... im just wondering... how many of you can honestly say you havent had sex or any sexual active. Im not just talking "all the way". I can honestly say i have made those choices to have intercourse. But i really do not think its right that people do one and tell others to do another. But if ur giving advice and telling them well i did this but i wish i would have done this... but if ur saying dont have sex but tonight you have it. Kinda weird? just wondering how many of you are honestly not sexually active. not bashing--- just asking...

I had sex with my fiance when I was about 20. Even when red flags came up I stayed in the relationship because I felt I had already given him a part of myself and had some guilt with it. I've been celibate for about 7 years and dating for 2.5. I have not had sex since I was married. I have a bf that I'm very attracted to, but we will not have sex unless we get married. I've learned my lesson. Something I just read-it's not just about your relationship with God. Do you want to have a part in pulling the other person further away from God?

What is going too far physically?

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