My life quite simply does not make sense without God. He has been so clearly present in my life, teaching me in all things, guiding me back when I stray and transforming me always. Without him I am nothing; a slave to my own desires. He has shown me both what he is doing and how desperately I have needed it! After being baptised as a baby and growing up in a Christian family, the glorious truth of God loving me was almost seared on my mind. I heard it all the time so that it got to the point that it didnt set me on fire like it should have! Apathy is such a terrible thing. I was like those in the churches of Ephesus and Laodicea in Revelation, replacing zeal with lukewarm nothingness! Such is the greatest danger of growing up a Christian. This apathy and vagueness grew and, while behaving well at home, I began to conform to the crowd. Swearing, lust, violence, immaturity and just being plain annoying began to take over as they would anyone who wasnt a Christian. The worst thing of all was that I was just not applying the Word to my own life, but instead used it to judge others! I sat in sermons thinking how others in the congregation would be uncomfortable at the preachers words. I was truly two-faced, a hypocrite, a Pharisee!
Yet Hallelujah God did not leave me like this, though I deserved nothing more. While the cure was painful, it was far more than I could have ever asked for. At one point I read a bit of Scripture and, jumping around in the Bible a bit I came to Hebrews chapter 10. More specifically, the bit talking about those who deliberately persist in sin facing only judgement with no hope (vv. 26-31). I can still remember that moment. I put down the Bible and held up my hands to my head. I felt without a hope, lost and fully damned. This feeling stuck; a feeling of emptiness and burning hopelessness. It brought despair to all I did. What was the point? Any thoughts I had led back to it I was doomed, doomed, doomed, beyond forgiveness! What excuses did I have? None! I had even begun taking communion via a children and communion programme at church! I went through every possible excuse I could think of; none of them held any water. The conclusion was clear to me, and it did not play itself down; it was always there. I spent one month believing the truth of Christianity but also believing that I was lost, that I had blasphemed the Spirit and could expect only judgement. Somehow, I concealed this from others, who had enough to worry about. At this time, I simply spent long periods wandering around the house, picking up random books just trying to distract and comfort myself, with no success.
Then finally, through a series of things, God showed his love for me again! Looking for hope, I had gone back to going through the Bible again and came to 2 Timothy 2:25, saying that it is God who grants repentance, Gods Spirit working in us. Commentaries spelt it out for me. If I was repentant, that was God working in me, and that meant hope more certain than anything! In a service, we sung a song which went: No power of hell, no scheme of man, can ever pluck me from his hand. This pointed to the verses in John chapter 10 and Romans 8, that none can take us from Jesus. The sense of relief at this was overwhelming! It was like a weight being lifted from me. The Cross meant forgiveness once again! Total forgiveness! Yet the conviction remained. At Pentecost in that year I prayed that God would wipe away my sins in thoughts, words and deeds. He answered my prayers and my major besetting sins fell away in a manner that I could never have achieved by mere self-discipline. It was amazing! The fear of the LORD is truly the beginning of wisdom. Blessed is the man whom God corrects! The fear of damnation had shown me how I was in need of God. This was roughly the point at which I switched from wanting to study Classics at University to wanting to study Theology. It was also the point that I wound up here.
Nevertheless, we will none of us be perfect until we meet Christ in the Kingdom, and some time later I felt backsliding begin to occur. I hated the apathy, but apathy was there! I prayed that God would transform me, but backsliding persisted. God in his patience dealt with this too, though. The church youth was going on a week-end away and I went with them. During the teaching time, God reminded me of what he had done for me. This culminated in the worship time in the evening. The worship touched my heart and the teaching of the day was reinforced in the sermon. Afterwards, people prayed with me. One person who was praying for me felt led to quote Philippians 1:6, the verse that promises he who began a good work in us will see it through to completion. With this I just felt gloriously close to God. I sat down in a corner shaking, not knowing whether to laugh or cry in fact I did a little of both. My hands felt a bit like they had pins and needles, but not quite I am describing the easy bits to describe, the rest I cant. I couldnt ever do justice to that closeness to God in words. Nor could I at the time, when people asked me if I was alright at the time I couldnt give them a coherent answer! Yet when I returned from that weekend, my mum said that I seemed more peaceful than I had ever been before.
Now I just want to serve God and be with him. Nothing else matters. I pray that God would train me and give me the zeal of a convert, and the determination to know his will and put it into practice. While regretting that I began partaking in the sacraments before I was quite ready, I feel a new love in me now when I go up for communion. Guidance and growth are what I feel I need. The kingdom of God is a big place. Where does God want me to be and what does he want me to do? God has rescued me despite my complete lack of merit, and the possibilities are infinite, as all things are possible with God. Pray for me.
Yet Hallelujah God did not leave me like this, though I deserved nothing more. While the cure was painful, it was far more than I could have ever asked for. At one point I read a bit of Scripture and, jumping around in the Bible a bit I came to Hebrews chapter 10. More specifically, the bit talking about those who deliberately persist in sin facing only judgement with no hope (vv. 26-31). I can still remember that moment. I put down the Bible and held up my hands to my head. I felt without a hope, lost and fully damned. This feeling stuck; a feeling of emptiness and burning hopelessness. It brought despair to all I did. What was the point? Any thoughts I had led back to it I was doomed, doomed, doomed, beyond forgiveness! What excuses did I have? None! I had even begun taking communion via a children and communion programme at church! I went through every possible excuse I could think of; none of them held any water. The conclusion was clear to me, and it did not play itself down; it was always there. I spent one month believing the truth of Christianity but also believing that I was lost, that I had blasphemed the Spirit and could expect only judgement. Somehow, I concealed this from others, who had enough to worry about. At this time, I simply spent long periods wandering around the house, picking up random books just trying to distract and comfort myself, with no success.
Then finally, through a series of things, God showed his love for me again! Looking for hope, I had gone back to going through the Bible again and came to 2 Timothy 2:25, saying that it is God who grants repentance, Gods Spirit working in us. Commentaries spelt it out for me. If I was repentant, that was God working in me, and that meant hope more certain than anything! In a service, we sung a song which went: No power of hell, no scheme of man, can ever pluck me from his hand. This pointed to the verses in John chapter 10 and Romans 8, that none can take us from Jesus. The sense of relief at this was overwhelming! It was like a weight being lifted from me. The Cross meant forgiveness once again! Total forgiveness! Yet the conviction remained. At Pentecost in that year I prayed that God would wipe away my sins in thoughts, words and deeds. He answered my prayers and my major besetting sins fell away in a manner that I could never have achieved by mere self-discipline. It was amazing! The fear of the LORD is truly the beginning of wisdom. Blessed is the man whom God corrects! The fear of damnation had shown me how I was in need of God. This was roughly the point at which I switched from wanting to study Classics at University to wanting to study Theology. It was also the point that I wound up here.
Nevertheless, we will none of us be perfect until we meet Christ in the Kingdom, and some time later I felt backsliding begin to occur. I hated the apathy, but apathy was there! I prayed that God would transform me, but backsliding persisted. God in his patience dealt with this too, though. The church youth was going on a week-end away and I went with them. During the teaching time, God reminded me of what he had done for me. This culminated in the worship time in the evening. The worship touched my heart and the teaching of the day was reinforced in the sermon. Afterwards, people prayed with me. One person who was praying for me felt led to quote Philippians 1:6, the verse that promises he who began a good work in us will see it through to completion. With this I just felt gloriously close to God. I sat down in a corner shaking, not knowing whether to laugh or cry in fact I did a little of both. My hands felt a bit like they had pins and needles, but not quite I am describing the easy bits to describe, the rest I cant. I couldnt ever do justice to that closeness to God in words. Nor could I at the time, when people asked me if I was alright at the time I couldnt give them a coherent answer! Yet when I returned from that weekend, my mum said that I seemed more peaceful than I had ever been before.
Now I just want to serve God and be with him. Nothing else matters. I pray that God would train me and give me the zeal of a convert, and the determination to know his will and put it into practice. While regretting that I began partaking in the sacraments before I was quite ready, I feel a new love in me now when I go up for communion. Guidance and growth are what I feel I need. The kingdom of God is a big place. Where does God want me to be and what does he want me to do? God has rescued me despite my complete lack of merit, and the possibilities are infinite, as all things are possible with God. Pray for me.
