What exactly is a "time out"?

[mamaneenie]

Has anyone heard the term "time out" and does anyone use it?

My husband has been sending our 2 yo son to his room when he is becoming uncontrollable (has just started throwing tantrums) but he is shutting the door. I said to him yesterday, that I think it is abusive to lock him in his room (the door is shut, not locked, but he can't reach the door, in effect he was being locked in there) he has agreed with me, but where do we go from here?

I will say, that we do smack him, but only when he is being outright defiant or doing something dangerous. We always warn him when we see him doing something wrong (eg. if you do it again we will smack you) and that has worked for us so far.

I am talking about the times when he can't have something or do something (for what ever reason) and we have explained it to him, and he goes into fits of anger and rage.

 

[karla]

We do use time out. We have a brown chair in our living room, that is one of the tim out spots. The kids have to sit there, turned backwards facing the back of the chair. They stay there for x amount of minutes or until they calm down, at which point they come to us to have a talk. We discuss the choice that they made and what a better choice would have been. I usually have them doing most of the talking so that I know they understand (at least I do this with my daughter because she is old enough, my son is younger so he gets the time out and then I do the talking). The other place is the bedroom. I do send my daughter to her room on occassion, but the door is not closed, but she must remain on her bed and just sit there - again we then have a talk about what happened.

 

[Tangnefedd]

Time out is sending your child to his room and shutting the door on him, if he is somewhat older than your son is now. I suggest the 'naughty stair' is a good idea for someone that young. He/she is made to sit on a particular stair/chair until they have calmed down, this is better than smacking if that can be avoided. You will be in earshot and you can talk to him from the other room but he has to stay there, say for five minutes until the tantrum has ceased. Obviously you will have to keep putting him on the stair or chair if he gets off it, until he gets the idea that the longer he makes an issue out of it, the longer he will stay there, but it does seem to work for many children.

 

[Evening Mist]

In our family, "time out" is not a punishment so much as an opportunity to take a break from a difficult issue or behavior and regroup. Its a time to "pull it together." We pretty much only insist on time outs for "hurting behaviors," which include hitting and name calling. Which occur rarely. My children only spend time out alone if they choose to be alone. Otherwise, I sit quietly nearby. They choose when to get up, but if they have not successfully calmed down, then they have to go sit again. Again, I sit with them if they choose that. Time outs are always followed by a disscussion about what to do next time instead of acting out.

 

[lucypevensie]

I use a time-out only in certain circumstances, and only for my son. He gets frustrated easily and can sometimes blow up with anger. At those times I have him go up to his room, he is not allowed to slam the door or throw anything around his room. (disobeying me in this regard will result in a spanking) It does calm him down. He comes out on his own after 5-10 minutes. Then we can talk about the problem, usually something silly like he couldn't get his shoe on (and wasn't even trying).

Otherwise I am not opposed to spanking for acts of disobedience. It's taught in Proverbs (and no, I don't think Proverbs/the Bible is outdated).

 

[mamaneenie]

Thanks everyone. I am at a difficult stage with my son's development, because I have worked in child care, and have some of the principles ingrained from that, but also their is Biblical discipline that is different from what is done in Day care centres. Thanks for your input and I will be praying about it with my hubby.

 

[HeatherJay]

We do time outs, but it only works in certain situations for me. If we're out in public (grocery shopping, at the mall), then I use time outs for bad behavior. My kids love to walk, hate to ride in the shopping cart, so if they're behaving badly in the store, they get put in the cart for a time out. Or if we're browsing through the bookstore, they're made to sit still and quietly on the floor by our feet.

At home, "redirection" works better than time outs. That is, if a child is misbehaving with a certain toy or activity or not sharing, then they are not allowed to play with that toy until they feel they can follow the rules associated with it. It is similar to time out, but the child basically decides the amount of time they're away from the toy or activity themselves. As soon as they decide they can play with it properly, they're allowed to return to it. This is something employed by most of the child care centers I've worked at...time outs were discouraged because the child tends to feel singled out and isolated, and it's not effective for every child...for some, it only increases their frustration.

Emily is old enough now so that the most effective punishment I can give her is to take away her movies or Nintendo games. Eden is a little bit more hard-headed than Em...lol, she's going to be my real trial, I think, in a few years. But, right now (she's almost 3), just a stern admonishment is pretty effective. We do spank, but usually only if the bad behavior continues after the other punishments have been imposed.

Love, Heather

 

[Momzilla]

When our older son was about 2 and started having tantrums, we tried not to punish him for them. If he threw a tantrum to get something he wanted, we just pretended the tantrum wasn't happening and otherwise proceeded as normal. If he threw a tantrum because he was frustrated or upset, we would take him aside (usually to our bedroom--a neutral location) and help him calm down.

Now that he's a bit older, we have a "time out chair" in the dining room. We don't use it much--only for hitting or for deliberate misbehavior. Usually, the process of getting him to the time out chair (which involves a pretty quick march by an angry mommy) is more upsetting to him than being in the chair itself, so our timeouts aren't terribly long. After a minute or two (I think the guideline is one minute for each year of age) I'll go in and talk to him about what he did wrong. I always, always finish with "I love you" and a big hug.

 

[Andry]

In our family, "time out" is not a punishment so much as an opportunity to take a break from a difficult issue or behavior and regroup. Its a time to "pull it together." We pretty much only insist on time outs for "hurting behaviors," which include hitting and name calling. Which occur rarely. My children only spend time out alone if they choose to be alone. Otherwise, I sit quietly nearby. They choose when to get up, but if they have not successfully calmed down, then they have to go sit again. Again, I sit with them if they choose that. Time outs are always followed by a disscussion about what to do next time instead of acting out.

My wife and I use 'time out' almost exactly as Evening Mist. We don't equate it with punishment. Our son, who's 4, understands now, when we call time out, it's a good thing for him. He says, 'ok, you're right,' sits down near us, makes himself comfortable, and actually take these deep breaths! It's actually quite humorous.

Not a complaint, but I do wish more 'dads' joined these discussions.

 

[New_Hope]

We use time out with our three year old son.This gives him a time to stop the action he was doing and to calm down.We also use his room as a safe place for him to take some time to calm down.He is in the stage where he gets very angry and hits and kicks.We do spank on only extreme sisuations though,when we feel that a time out is not enough for him.And when he is done with his time out or spanking we always talk to him,and let him express how he feels.And always tell him we love him,with a big hug.Toddler age is a very difficult age but we learn as we go.And ask for guidence from God.
God Bless,
New Hope

 

[Blessed75]

My two year old if acting up - depends on the situation but if it warrants a time out - he has to go to his crib for 2 minutes. At three - he'll go for three minutes and so on. The door is left open. Of course, it's easy with us b/c he's still in a crib and I'm content with that too - I dread having to do the toddler bed thing...........

 

[Ceris]

Not a complaint, but I do wish more 'dads' joined these discussions.

Well, I'm not a father, but I have probably put more time into thinking about being one than most people my age. I have wanted to be a father ever since I was . . . five . . . no, now that I think about, ever since I was old enough to understand I one day I could be a father. I want to thank you all for the various ideas you have put down, seeing different approaches helps quite a bit. As for me, I have very kind, loving parents who did a wonderful job raising me and my two brothers, so most of how I would be a father I derive from them. That being said, I would most likely use time-outs with the idea that the purpose would be for them to calm down and then to come to me and talk about what they did wrong. One idea that someone mentioned that I especially took note of was the that you always make sure to tell your child that you love them after it is over. That is something I will make sure to keep in mind.