What Do You Do?

[Inkachu]

What do you do when you've caught your child misbehaving, but you aren't sure how much of the truth you're getting out of them?

Do you discipline them according to the facts you have, even if you suspect there may be more serious actions they've done, but you can't prove them, and they won't confess to them?

Or do you discipline according to what you're 99% sure they did, even if there's a chance they didn't?

 

[“Paisios”]

I have tried over the years to instill into my children how important I find it to tell the truth. My children have known that they may be in trouble if they do something wrong, but they will be in even more trouble if they lie about it.

In this situation, I would talk to them about those things that I know they did wrong, but also discuss my suspicions that there is more going on, and ask them to tell me the truth. Usually, if they admit their wrongdoing to me, before I uncover it myself, then their punishment will be much lighter.

I don't punish them for things I can't prove, no matter how much I suspect their guilt...but usually if I have a great deal of suspicion I can at some point find the evidence or they will confess.

 

[.chrys.]

I disciplined my children based on what they've admitted to. If more light is shed in the future, then there's the added lies that get thrown into the mix.

My kids are different though...they've always admitted to their wrongs--even sometimes telling me in advance of the wrongdoing! LOL

I'll never forget the time my 4 year old son was frustrated with something and when asked what was the matter he said, "I need to say d***." So, I told him, "Okay, if you really feel it might help, you have permission to say it this one time." He did. Then, I asked, "Did it help?" He said no.

He must have learned his lesson early, because he's 19 now and it's a rare occasion that I've heard him curse in frustration.

 

[Inkachu]

That's how we operate, too. I try to keep very open and candid communication with my son, and let him know regularly that he can come to us with anything. If he's already been caught in something, I tell him that if there are more details or information he needs to confess, it won't affect his discipline that's already been decided, so it's safe to tell me. But in this particular instance, he persisted in saying there was nothing else, so I had to let it be at that point. Thanks for your input, Shoe.

 

[Inkachu]

I'll never forget the time my 4 year old son was frustrated with something and when asked what was the matter he said, "I need to say d***." So, I told him, "Okay, if you really feel it might help, you have permission to say it this one time." He did. Then, I asked, "Did it help?" He said no.

That is so funny!! LOL @ angry little 4 year old boys!

 

[akmom]

I would rather err on the side of NOT punishing him for something he may not have done. My parents did that sometimes, and it creates a lot of bitterness. A lot less than getting away with something you did do. In that case, he has been approached and knows he deserves discipline (even if you couldn't actually administer it), and will have to contend with guilt. I do think that is as much deterrent as actual punishment for a good kid.

My parents also believed in the open dialogue way of parenting, and also believed they practiced it, but proved otherwise any time we actually opened up to them. So we mostly grew up without their guidance, because it's easy to hide a lot of things, and we knew they'd lash out no matter how much they promised not to. I guess I'm saying that open dialogue is really important, and maybe harder to follow through on than some parents believe. And I think punishing with 99% certainty doesn't demonstrate that kind of trust.

I agree that this is a really tricky part of parenting. And I'm still on the easy years in terms of discerning lies! (Really, it was DAD who flushed your matchbox car down the toilet??)

 

[Inkachu]

Thanks for the input, Akmom. My family was much the same way, the "open door" policy was preached, but definitely not practiced. Nobody listened to me, nobody cared what I had to say, and if I got in trouble, I got lectured until my ears were numb. There was no room in any of it for "what do YOU think/feel/want to say?" I was invisible.

 

[LinkH]

What do you do when you've caught your child misbehaving, but you aren't sure how much of the truth you're getting out of them?

Do you discipline them according to the facts you have, even if you suspect there may be more serious actions they've done, but you can't prove them, and they won't confess to them?

Or do you discipline according to what you're 99% sure they did, even if there's a chance they didn't?

If they are old enough for it, you can do a kind of military thing, where everyone involved gets the punishment until one fesses up. I wouldn't spank for something like that. But you could do something that isn't a real punishment, that is good for them. Like no video games for any of them until you get the truth. Or make them do certain chores until you find out.

It helps if you have a couple of witnesses you can interrogate to weed out lies, but if it's one kid against another, that can be difficult. The only problems I've had along this line is with my two-year-old. The older kids will say she hit them. If I ask, she'll just say, "No." But if I have witnesses, I'll believe the witnesses because she says 'no' to lots of things.

 

[“Paisios”]

That's how we operate, too. I try to keep very open and candid communication with my son, and let him know regularly that he can come to us with anything. If he's already been caught in something, I tell him that if there are more details or information he needs to confess, it won't affect his discipline that's already been decided, so it's safe to tell me. But in this particular instance, he persisted in saying there was nothing else, so I had to let it be at that point. Thanks for your input, Shoe.

Yes, we've always wanted to convey the message to our kids that we support them and are on their side, so it is safe to come to us. Not that we won't discipline them if necessary, but that we love them, and, in dealing with trouble outside the family, we'll be there with them and see them through it. It seems to be working for us-our now teenagers rarely get into any real trouble, and seem to respect us and our rules most of the time. Glad my thoughts were helpful.

 

[Inkachu]

If they are old enough for it, you can do a kind of military thing, where everyone involved gets the punishment until one fesses up. I wouldn't spank for something like that. But you could do something that isn't a real punishment, that is good for them. Like no video games for any of them until you get the truth. Or make them do certain chores until you find out.

It helps if you have a couple of witnesses you can interrogate to weed out lies, but if it's one kid against another, that can be difficult. The only problems I've had along this line is with my two-year-old. The older kids will say she hit them. If I ask, she'll just say, "No." But if I have witnesses, I'll believe the witnesses because she says 'no' to lots of things.

I've only got one kid, so...

 

[Inkachu]

Sigh... and he tried to be sneaky again today, and got caught. It just breaks my heart. Later on, he'll tell me that he's trying so hard, but the temptation is too strong, and he feels terrible. I explained to him that he needs to take responsibility for what goes on inside his head. If he feels tempted, he needs to stop immediately and pray, or come get one of his parents, or even call his Grandma, who would be happy to talk to him and pray with him. I told him the old analogy of the two wolves in each of our minds; the one you feed is the one that wins the battle. He really liked that, and that seemed to "click" with him. He's all frustrated because he's grounded to his room, with no gadgets or electronics, and he acts like he has nothing to do, even though he's got books and plenty of other things. I told him to go read a book and put some good thoughts into his brain!

 

[Mayzoo]

When my nephews were, I believe, 7 and 9 they did something wrong while staying with us. Neither would admit to it...."it must have just happened overnight".

Since we could not get the truth, we put them on "trial" in our house. Made them sit in a chair and swore them in and everything. Nothing unduly harsh, just a way to give them an idea of how the justice system works and to get to the bottom of things. They were home schooled and the parents gave us a big thumbs up for teaching this valuable lesson.

They each "cracked" after we swore them in on a Bible and started asking them questions.


They ran a magnet across our monitor to our computer back in the early nineties, and it had to be degaussed (made a cool psychedelic rainbow though ) . Turns out one of them did it after the other dared them too, but they both knew what would happen since their parents were computer nuts. We made one of them write an essay (research and all) on how magnetism works and the other on the hazards of dares.

 

[Inkachu]

Nicely handled, Mayzoo!

 

[Mayzoo]

They are 33 and 31 now, and we still have all the essays we made them write every time they got into scraps while staying with us LOL (3 weeks or so roughly twice a year).

We are undecided if we should share them with the nephews, or their wives after they get married. Either way, it is fun to read them and go down memory lane now and then .

 

[Autumnleaf]

What do you do when you've caught your child misbehaving, but you aren't sure how much of the truth you're getting out of them?

Do you discipline them according to the facts you have, even if you suspect there may be more serious actions they've done, but you can't prove them, and they won't confess to them?

Or do you discipline according to what you're 99% sure they did, even if there's a chance they didn't?

It depends on what they are doing. If they are hurting each other I tell them to please stop that and just hurt me if they want to hurt someone. I tell them that when they hurt each other it hurts my feelings so I'd rather they take it out on me instead. That usually cools their jets.

If they act up in public we go home.

If they get into an altercation with someone at school I tend to back them up unless it comes out they were part of the cause of it and then I call them a knuckle head and ask them what they were thinking.

 

[akmom]

How old are you AutumnLeaf?

 

[ChristianGolfer]

If they are old enough for it, you can do a kind of military thing, where everyone involved gets the punishment until one fesses up.

My parents tried that once. My little brother - 3 years old at the time - confessed to something he couldn't possibly have done.

Personally, I've always found this tactic to be particularly unjust and I would never do it. People shouldn't be punished for crimes they didn't commit. Plus, it creates division and strife amongst siblings and encourages tattling.

 

[Inkachu]

OK, I only have one child, so the whole sibling-on-sibling thing is not applicable or an issue for me. Ours is mainly a disturbingly smart, clever, crafty kid who is so sneaky he could work for the CIA.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

My parents tried that once. My little brother - 3 years old at the time - confessed to something he couldn't possibly have done.

Personally, I've always found this tactic to be particularly unjust and I would never do it. People shouldn't be punished for crimes they didn't commit. Plus, it creates division and strife amongst siblings and encourages tattling.

Well, he did say "old enough for it."

I don't know. I see both sides there. When I was five, I took the blame for something my four-year-old brother did, because we had been grilled and grilled and grilled, relentlessly. Every possible opportunity, we were cornered with "Who did that?" After it went on for two or three days, I was sick of the whole thing, and I thought if I confessed to doing it, that would end the matter. Well, it didn't, because after that the "why did you lie about it" went on and on. "Lie" referred to my initial denial, not to my eventual confession, since they didn't have any way to know that my confession was the actual lie in this situation. They were asking me why I had "lied" by saying I didn't do it. And of course, I had no answer.

Almost ten years passed before my brother finally admitted that he did it. And the only thing he felt, watching me catch it for something he did, was, "Whew. I got away with it." Four-year-olds can be little psychopaths, can't they?

If you already know beyond the shadow of a doubt that the child did something, I'd say don't ask, "Did you do it?" Don't give him/her an opportunity to lie about it. Say, "Because you did this, and I know you did, the consequence is...." But if there is a doubt, I can see where you'd feel horrible if it turns out the child didn't do it. So I would say, only discipline for what you absolutely know the child did.

PS: Even an only child interacts with cousins, neighbors, and classmates. So some of those "he did it, not me" issues can come up.

 

[Inkachu]

I agree. I don't think it's right to discipline for something I only suspect, but can't prove.