What changed in the way you were when you first got married to who you are now? If you feel you've change, can you describe why and why is it positive or negative?
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What changed in the way you were when you first got married to who you are now? If you feel you've change, can you describe why and why is it positive or negative?
I was VERY insecure when we first got married. When problems began, I believed it was my fault. If only I were a better wife, a better mother, a better cook, a better housekeeper, etc. etc. I tried for years to perfect myself, but when I was busy working on one area, another area would suffer. I felt as though I was chasing in circles trying to please everyone. I was allowing the demands of others to dictate my life.
I finally hit a wall and realized I will never be perfect and all I can do is strive for my best with my focus on God's priorities for my day, not what others have for me. This will let people down, but I can take that now. God's yoke is light in comparison.
What changed? I lost my identity; I got lost in a post-partum depression that went undiagnosed, and instead of having the security in himself to support me through it he took it personally and withdrew from me. I continued to withdraw from him as a result of simply not having the emotional skills at that young and damaged age to draw my own strength from myself. He became domineering and controlling, he became a very angry man, and tried to control the spinning thoughts in his head by controlling the rest of us. I retreated even farther into his control, only because it was easier than taking responsibility for the life I had. I was smothered, I never traveled, I never went to college, I never developed my own interests or ambitions.
Then I met one of my best friends and started to upset his apple cart. I began to change myself, to make my OWN choices. Except that because I wasn't doing it the way HE wanted me to, he didn't like it. But at the very same time, down deep in his heart, he didn't like the puppet I had become. It ended up being a very brief period of self-discovery for me.
So now we've found ourselves disconnected from each other, and very unhappy with our lives, and with each other. I'm not the vibrant, world-wise, confident woman he seems to want, and he's not the strong, giving, disciplined man I wish I had. I don't want to have to divorce, I have every faith that it can be restored. At the same time, I wish for nothing more than to gain my confidence back. He seems to think those things are self-exclusive; that I can't possibly be confident and self-assured and still be married to him. Fact is, he doesn't want to be married to the mousy, repressed woman that he made. At the same time, he doesn't seem to see the value in investing the time into re-creating a complimentary marriage.
Blah, sorry for the downer, I'm in a bit of a funk tonight. And seeing the glowing loving and starry eyed resonses up above mine just made me look harder at what I DON'T have.
What changed? I lost my identity; I got lost in a post-partum depression that went undiagnosed, and instead of having the security in himself to support me through it he took it personally and withdrew from me. I continued to withdraw from him as a result of simply not having the emotional skills at that young and damaged age to draw my own strength from myself. He became domineering and controlling, he became a very angry man, and tried to control the spinning thoughts in his head by controlling the rest of us. I retreated even farther into his control, only because it was easier than taking responsibility for the life I had. I was smothered, I never traveled, I never went to college, I never developed my own interests or ambitions.
Then I met one of my best friends and started to upset his apple cart. I began to change myself, to make my OWN choices. Except that because I wasn't doing it the way HE wanted me to, he didn't like it. But at the very same time, down deep in his heart, he didn't like the puppet I had become. It ended up being a very brief period of self-discovery for me.
So now we've found ourselves disconnected from each other, and very unhappy with our lives, and with each other. I'm not the vibrant, world-wise, confident woman he seems to want, and he's not the strong, giving, disciplined man I wish I had. I don't want to have to divorce, I have every faith that it can be restored. At the same time, I wish for nothing more than to gain my confidence back. He seems to think those things are self-exclusive; that I can't possibly be confident and self-assured and still be married to him. Fact is, he doesn't want to be married to the mousy, repressed woman that he made. At the same time, he doesn't seem to see the value in investing the time into re-creating a complimentary marriage.
Blah, sorry for the downer, I'm in a bit of a funk tonight. And seeing the glowing loving and starry eyed resonses up above mine just made me look harder at what I DON'T have.
I came across a great web site called Marriage Today. They talked about something that made a lot of sense to me. The couple that are behind the site married right out of high school. He was very domineering and she was almost self-hating. Their marriage was spiraling out of control with him yelling and trying to control her, which in turn caused her to retreat more into herself. When it reached bottom, she then began to gain more confidence and that changed their marriage. They say we marry according to our health, as she was emotionally weak she married in contrast to that. They explain it as like a teeter-totter. If we are an extreme we will marry the contrasting extreme, but we can work on getting that teeter-totter balanced and one change on side side affects the reaction on the opposing side. Check out their site, you can watch several different teachings of theirs online. They do a MUCH better job of explaining than I ever could. Once on the site, go to "show archives". The one that I was referring to was under "Emotionally Healthy Marriage". It was called "Disarming Destructive Dominance."
I don't see your marriage as hopeless at all. You don't want to be that "mousy" woman anymore, right? Focus on YOU and getting yourself healthy. It is a shame that he doesn't see that he has some responsibility for what you have become, but that is something you have no control over. God's best to you!!
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