What are his intentions?

[Goobies97]

We were best friends, but there was always a gray area (try holding my hand or leaning his body on me). Got to the point where he would seek me out to hang out alone without the rest of our friends. Gray area continues and he invites me to his dorm to hang out (nothing out of the ordinary) except he makes sure I come alone and he acts weird and quiet which is unlike him. I leave early because of the awkwardness and 3 days after that he starts talking to a girl that he knows is super into him but he has always said "She's not right for what I'm looking for". They do their thing for 2 weeks and then all of a sudden he ends it. I get angry with him for leading her on and he writes a long letter telling me how sorry he is for disappointing me. Come to find he never apologized to her. We get close in the next month hanging out alone and he keeps seeking quality time with me. I leave for a conference and he reaches out the whole time and checks in on. me while I'm on the flight and when I come back, he spends the whole day with me as I run errands. Spring break happens and he and I confess our feelings for each other and he says "I really like you but I have gone too fast in the past so I want to go slow and be casual. I want to be intentional about this because I really like you and I think it could go somewhere." We both agree we don't want sex before marriage. So for the next couple of months he and I are doing great. He does everything with me, wants to be around me all of the time. Then he ends it out of nowhere, after which he asks to hang out and comes to my door the next day to take me to eat and I tell him to back of I need space after that. I find out way later that the very next day he hits up the girl he was seeing to hook up with her. Then a few days after that he asks to talk to me, I do and he initiates the relationship again only to end it for the same reason of "I'm scared, I don't want to hurt you". So I'm done, but he keeps texting me that he misses me "I want any kind of closeness with you, I just want to been the same room as you and hear your voice". I find out later that the girl he was seeing for 2 weeks was just his hook up and that he had been sexting her while we were seeing each other. I confront him and he says "you mean so much to me I care about you so much, you are more than what I am looking for in a relationship, please believe that. Let me fix this, I want to reconcile whatever I can an acquaintanceship, friendship or whatever. Please." Then he set a day in the summer to call me to check in because he wants to prove to me he can change and give me space.

 

[icxn]

I'm sure someone will be here soon to offer you advice on the matter. In the meantime, allow me to quote the proverbial response: "...there are three things impossible for me to comprehend, and the fourth I know not: the track of a flying eagle; and the ways of a serpent on a rock; and the paths of a ship passing through the sea; and the ways of a man in his youth."

 

[Poppyseed78]

He's really unstable right now, so I think you should maintain your resolve to not be in contact with him anymore. Even just a friendship would let things slide back into a relationship, at which time he is likely to hurt you again. I think you deserve better, and you made the right decision in saying you need space. I don't know what is going on in his mind, but his actions are hurtful, irresponsible, and immature.

 

[Kevin Snow]

I'm not sure what you're ready and willing to deal with in order to find a mate. But I strongly urge you to maintain high standards. Most guys are not prepared to have a wife until they are in their 30s. What does scripture tell us?

Prepare your work outside; get everything ready for yourself in the field, and after that build your house. ~Proverbs 24:27

Now a house is built for the operation of a family. We know that if a man must get his business set up before he builds his house, then we know that this comes even before marrying and starting a family.

A man must get his house in order and prepared BEFORE he gets a girl. Any guy who wants it the other way around is just a child inside; wanting the prize before the race in order to avoid the hard training that it takes to get it!

Therefore I counsel you to stay away from this guy who clearly has no idea what he is doing with girls when he is going back and forth with whatever he can get. Continue seeking God reading the word both day and night as it says in Joshua 1:8, so that you yourself may be ready when God brings you a husband.

 

[Goobies97]

He's really unstable right now, so I think you should maintain your resolve to not be in contact with him anymore. Even just a friendship would let things slide back into a relationship, at which time he is likely to hurt you again. I think you deserve better, and you made the right decision in saying you need space. I don't know what is going on in his mind, but his actions are hurtful, irresponsible, and immature.

Am I missing something? I really believe all he wants is a friendship like I do, maybe it's my being naive as this is my first relationship.

 

[Poppyseed78]

Am I missing something? I really believe all he wants is a friendship like I do, maybe it's my being naive as this is my first relationship.

I don't think you're being naive, just trying to see the best in him. The thing is, he has lied before, so him saying he only wants a friendship could be a lie. If you still want to be friends, proceed with caution. I knew people like him in college myself, and I learned it's not worth the trouble of figuring them out.

 

[Goobies97]

I don't think you're being naive, just trying to see the best in him. The thing is, he has lied before, so him saying he only wants a friendship could be a lie. If you still want to be friends, proceed with caution. I knew people like him in college myself, and I learned it's not worth the trouble of figuring them out.

I guess I think it's safe to be his friend considering I can't imagine he has any feelings for me after what he has done and I don't either after all of this.

 

[Goobies97]

I'm not sure what you're ready and willing to deal with in order to find a mate. But I strongly urge you to maintain high standards. Most guys are not prepared to have a wife until they are in their 30s. What does scripture tell us?

Prepare your work outside; get everything ready for yourself in the field, and after that build your house. ~Proverbs 24:27

Now a house is built for the operation of a family. We know that if a man must get his business set up before he builds his house, then we know that this comes even before marrying and starting a family.

A man must get his house in order and prepared BEFORE he gets a girl. Any guy who wants it the other way around is just a child inside; wanting the prize before the race in order to avoid the hard training that it takes to get it!

Therefore I counsel you to stay away from this guy who clearly has no idea what he is doing with girls when he is going back and forth with whatever he can get. Continue seeking God reading the word both day and night as it says in Joshua 1:8, so that you yourself may be ready when God brings you a husband.

So he's essentially trying to get the girl without the work to fix himself.

 

[Kevin Snow]

So he's essentially trying to get the girl without the work to fix himself.

Correct.

Also, there is no such thing as a friendship between a guy and a girl especially after you admitted to telling each other about the feelings you have for one another. Basically he is looking for love in all the wrong ways. He knows he has to deal with his own life but he doesn't understand yet that he has to do that before he pursues a girl.

I am living proof of what I am telling you right now. I'm 27 years old and have never had a girlfriend. I've only pursued one girl my entire life but I won't even pursue that any further because I don't have my house together yet. I've been unemployed for far too long because I've been sick but now that I am walking right with the Lord, my life is starting to turn around. I am making no efforts in finding a girl and neither am I worried. I know that God will bring her to me in due time but I must be ready and get my house in order so that he can bring her to me.

So if you hold yourself in such esteem then do not let your standards go to the gutter. If I exist then there is someone for me who also is waiting as I am and who will be ready when I am ready. God will provide. So also, you have someone for you, who, if you are waiting will also be prepared for you by God.

Therefore have more faith and you'll see that there is so much better for you in the Lord than in your own time.

 

[Sam91]

Steer clear of him. He doesn't respect you as a friend or girlfriend. He was unfaithful while together.

You are young and don't mess up your life with an unreliable guy. Life gets harder as you get older, it gets serious. Find someone reliable, kind and willing to love you enough to stand by you thriugh tge tough times and bad. Someone who loves God and obeys him.

 

[Goobies97]

Correct.

Also, there is no such thing as a friendship between a guy and a girl especially after you admitted to telling each other about the feelings you have for one another. Basically he is looking for love in all the wrong ways. He knows he has to deal with his own life but he doesn't understand yet that he has to do that before he pursues a girl.

I am living proof of what I am telling you right now. I'm 27 years old and have never had a girlfriend. I've only pursued one girl my entire life but I won't even pursue that any further because I don't have my house together yet. I've been unemployed for far too long because I've been sick but now that I am walking right with the Lord, my life is starting to turn around. I am making no efforts in finding a girl and neither am I worried. I know that God will bring her to me in due time but I must be ready and get my house in order so that he can bring her to me.

So if you hold yourself in such esteem then do not let your standards go to the gutter. If I exist then there is someone for me who also is waiting as I am and who will be ready when I am ready. God will provide. So also, you have someone for you, who, if you are waiting will also be prepared for you by God.

Therefore have more faith and you'll see that there is so much better for you in the Lord than in your own time.

Thank you very much for sharing, this helps a lot. I also appreciate you sharing a little of your own testimony because it gives me a sound and experienced perspective. I will take the situation as a blessing because God protected me from giving something I wouldn't be able to take back. I see what you're saying about the friendship being unrealistic given the feelings we have admitted for one another. I see that it will always go back to more than friends now that the door has already once been opened. A friendship would just keep the door opened when it is in God's will to close it. Thank you very very much for your insight.

 

[Ana the Ist]

We were best friends, but there was always a gray area (try holding my hand or leaning his body on me). Got to the point where he would seek me out to hang out alone without the rest of our friends. Gray area continues and he invites me to his dorm to hang out (nothing out of the ordinary) except he makes sure I come alone and he acts weird and quiet which is unlike him. I leave early because of the awkwardness and 3 days after that he starts talking to a girl that he knows is super into him but he has always said "She's not right for what I'm looking for". They do their thing for 2 weeks and then all of a sudden he ends it. I get angry with him for leading her on and he writes a long letter telling me how sorry he is for disappointing me. Come to find he never apologized to her. We get close in the next month hanging out alone and he keeps seeking quality time with me. I leave for a conference and he reaches out the whole time and checks in on. me while I'm on the flight and when I come back, he spends the whole day with me as I run errands. Spring break happens and he and I confess our feelings for each other and he says "I really like you but I have gone too fast in the past so I want to go slow and be casual. I want to be intentional about this because I really like you and I think it could go somewhere." We both agree we don't want sex before marriage. So for the next couple of months he and I are doing great. He does everything with me, wants to be around me all of the time. Then he ends it out of nowhere, after which he asks to hang out and comes to my door the next day to take me to eat and I tell him to back of I need space after that. I find out way later that the very next day he hits up the girl he was seeing to hook up with her. Then a few days after that he asks to talk to me, I do and he initiates the relationship again only to end it for the same reason of "I'm scared, I don't want to hurt you". So I'm done, but he keeps texting me that he misses me "I want any kind of closeness with you, I just want to been the same room as you and hear your voice". I find out later that the girl he was seeing for 2 weeks was just his hook up and that he had been sexting her while we were seeing each other. I confront him and he says "you mean so much to me I care about you so much, you are more than what I am looking for in a relationship, please believe that. Let me fix this, I want to reconcile whatever I can an acquaintanceship, friendship or whatever. Please." Then he set a day in the summer to call me to check in because he wants to prove to me he can change and give me space.

It sounds like he wants a sexual relationship with you. He doesn't sound honest. He probably wants you to initiate it, or give him cues that he should initiate it...and since you don't, and he's dishonest, he's playing mind games to try to get what he wants.

"Pick up artists" describe what he's doing as a "freeze out"...he's simply not doing it very well. A freeze out is when one person gives the other all the attention and affection that normally comes with an intimate relationship....but stops and withdraws all this attention and affection when the person they desire is reluctant to engage in sexual activity. The goal is to get the person they desire to want the attention and affection that they've been receiving and compromise their sexual choices.

At best, I think you should regard this guy as immature....this is psychological manipulation, even if he doesn't realize he's actively doing it. Realistically though, he probably has little regard for your feelings and the emotional confusion he's causing you...in spite of whatever he might say...and is willing to justify it in his own mind if it gets him what he wants (sex).

I think you should avoid him like the plague...but if you must engage him, judge him by his actions, not his words. They simply don't align.

 

[Goobies97]

It sounds like he wants a sexual relationship with you. He doesn't sound honest. He probably wants you to initiate it, or give him cues that he should initiate it...and since you don't, and he's dishonest, he's playing mind games to try to get what he wants.

"Pick up artists" describe what he's doing as a "freeze out"...he's simply not doing it very well. A freeze out is when one person gives the other all the attention and affection that normally comes with an intimate relationship....but stops and withdraws all this attention and affection when the person they desire is reluctant to engage in sexual activity. The goal is to get the person they desire to want the attention and affection that they've been receiving and compromise their sexual choices.

At best, I think you should regard this guy as immature....this is psychological manipulation, even if he doesn't realize he's actively doing it. Realistically though, he probably has little regard for your feelings and the emotional confusion he's causing you...in spite of whatever he might say...and is willing to justify it in his own mind if it gets him what he wants (sex).

I think you should avoid him like the plague...but if you must engage him, judge him by his actions, not his words. They simply don't align.

He could still be striving for a sexual relationship even knowing I would not engage? I should also add that he lives 3 hours away and will be gone physically all summer on vacation. Today he wrote to me saying that he has struggled with lust for a very long time and that it has stemmed from his first viewing of porn 10 years ago at age 11. That he has hooked up with girls in the past and tries to stop but while he does for a while he always goes back to it. He said he thought being with me would change that because I wouldn’t let him and he was very right, I didn’t. But he kept attempting to engage with her. That he treated her as an object and used her to satisfy that sinful desire, and he hates himself for that. He said he wants to be able to come back and tell me that he has not viewed porn and is actively attempting to change. I didn’t respond to the letter. Insight into this new unfolding would help.

 

[Ana the Ist]

He could still be striving for a sexual relationship even knowing I would not engage? I should also add that he lives 3 hours away and will be gone physically all summer on vacation. Today he wrote to me saying that he has struggled with lust for a very long time and that it has stemmed from his first viewing of porn 10 years ago at age 11. That he has hooked up with girls in the past and tries to stop but while he does for a while he always goes back to it. He said he thought being with me would change that because I wouldn’t let him and he was very right, I didn’t. But he kept attempting to engage with her. That he treated her as an object and used her to satisfy that sinful desire, and he hates himself for that. He said he wants to be able to come back and tell me that he has not viewed porn and is actively attempting to change. I didn’t respond to the letter. Insight into this new unfolding would help.

I would say that you should completely disregard his attempts to blame porn for his behavior....it's ridiculous. A ton of guys view porn, probably for the first time at an age that might be pre-adolescent, and they don't all act like this guy. You've recognized some pretty awful behavior in him...and I'm guessing that when you confront him about it, this porn excuse pops up. Why? Because he knows how you feel about it and he thinks you might believe it's a valid excuse. It's not. I've read studies that say the average age of first being exposed to pornography for men is 11 years old....and 90% of men have viewed pornography (and out of the other 10% probably 9.5 are lying about it lol).

That said, no one here is going to know him as well as you do....all we have to go by are the few things you've said about him. I wrote my previous post because there are some serious red flags in what you wrote about this guy that basically scream "he's trouble".

Such as...

"We were best friends, but there was always a gray area (try holding my hand or leaning his body on me)."

You might think "what's wrong with that?"....it's the part where he's leaning his body on you. I think most women who've been through a relationship or two would read that and think "ewww". It's creepy because it shows that he's willing to push physical contact on you without any regard for how you feel about it. Some guys develop this sort of thing into a fetish where they lean up on women in crowded spaces like a subway....and it's for sexual arousal. Gross.

Here's another one...

"....he starts talking to a girl that he knows is super into him but he has always said "She's not right for what I'm looking for"."

Then why is he "talking" to her? The reason seems obvious, right? He's using her for sexual gratification and he has no intention of holding a real relationship with her. She's into him...so she's an easy target...even though he doesn't have feelings for her. How do you think that happened? Did he tell her "Hey, I'm not really interested in having a relationship with you, but I'll gladly use you for sexual gratification!"? Or do you think that perhaps he lied like crazy, told her everything she wanted to hear, so that he could get what he wanted? Since he doesn't sound particularly smooth with the ladies....my guess is that he lied a lot to this girl about how he felt, what he wanted, etc. He doesn't seem to have any concern for her feelings. What makes you so sure he isn't trying to do the exact same thing with you? Do you think he's dishonest with this other girl and honest with you?

Here's another one....

"Then he ends it out of nowhere, after which he asks to hang out and comes to my door the next day to take me to eat and I tell him to back of I need space after that."

This is a huge clue that something is wrong with this guy. You're in this relationship for months...you're emotionally invested...you think everything is going great and he just ends it "out of nowhere". Did he ever explain why? My guess is that you probably rejected him for sex/sexual activity...and he got frustrated (freeze out). He felt like he put in the effort of pretending to care, but he wasn't getting what he wanted. I would think it was either that... or this other girl suddenly became available for sex and he decided that the "right thing" to do was leave you so he can have some guilt free sex. That's not a guy who genuinely cares about you...it's a guy who is willing to pretend to care for months that he cares because he thinks he might get you to drop your guard and have sex with him. If you're thinking to yourself, "what kind of guy does that?" The correct answer is...many kinds of guys. The fact that he shows up relatively soon afterwards to "hang out" as if he isn't upset about losing his relationship with you at all...and you're still trying to come to terms with him leaving the relationship....is a giant red flag. Why was it so easy for him to resume your "friendship" so soon after breaking up? Because he never really cared in the first place.

Your posts are literally riddled with clues that this guy is just trying to get sex from you...in spite of his claims to the contrary....and he doesn't really care about you or your feelings.

He honestly said "I'm scared, I don't want to hurt you."?? After he dropped you out of the blue to go hook up with some chick he knew he could get sex from....then he came back and tried to start up your relationship again?

If you genuinely believe that he's being honest with you....there's an easy way to find out. Next time your talking to him on the phone, or somewhere with other people around (don't do this in private), and he starts with the whole "I want to take things slow....I want to wait till marriage....I don't just want you for sex" routine, tell him that you've been thinking about it a lot and you don't want to wait....tell him that you really do want him sexually. My guess is that magically, his opinion on waiting until marriage and taking things slowly will disappear instantly....and he'll be making plans to have sex with you asap. He only tells you those things to get you to try to drop your guard....he knows what you want to hear. I mean, would you even try to date him if he just came out and said that he wants a sexual relationship and doesn't want to wait till marriage? Probably not, right?