What about strippers?

[anj]

Hi Friends,

This is my first post. Here's what's bothering me. About two years ago my husband went to Reno for a bachlor's party. Before he left I expressed my great concern about strippers and strip clubs. I made it clear that to purposly seek seeing another woman naked to me was an end of your marital vows. He agreed and assured me that he would not even consider such a thing. Well...Do I even have to say it . It's not like he was surprised at a party by a stripper. He sat in the hotel room while his friends looked up the "Gentlemen's club" (how misnamed is that?). Got in the party bus, paid his admission, and went in for the show. At first he didn't confess this to me and I never asked as I had complete trust in his charactor. When he did confess there was so many lies and holes in the story that it took months to feel like I even somewhat knew what happened. To make matters worse I had just had our second child two months before he left and was getting back in shape and feeling quite good for just having a baby. My husband made a comment about the women he saw being much sexier then me, as a matter of fact there was no comparison. OUCH!

Why am I bringing this up two years later?!! Well, every now and then, (and this gets much less often as time goes by) something reminds me of that trip or that comment and it's as if I feel just as hurt and insecure as when it happened. I feel like I have truly forgiven him, yet my hurt is not gone and not totally healed. Tonight something reminded me of it again. My husband made another comment about me being less attractive those other women! Now I know I am not the prettiest women who has ever walked the earth, but I would like to be the most attractive my husband has seen naked since we were married. Is that too much to ask? I feel like I can't discuss this with my non-christian friends as they don't see anything wrong with strippers and would think I am totally overreacting to be hurt by such a thing. I don't want to talk about it to my christian friends as my husband is an amazing man with a moment of bad judgement and a mouthfull of saying the wrong things. I feel like to share this with people that know him they would view him differently and I do not want that for him or myself. So I feel so alone in this. Do I pray about it and trust in God?.... Oh, yeah. That is why I am writing this two years into a marriage that did not fall apart. But there is still the comfort of advice and understanding from others. Any one been here and survived it? Anyone think I am nuts to hold onto "no big deal"? Anyone agree with me that this is a hurtful form of adultry? Please give me your honest thoughts. Thanks!

 

[Servant991]

I can see why you are upset, seems like a very hurtful situation. Have you talked to him about how much it hurts you when he says things about them? In my opinion, this could potentially be a major problem. Seeing strippers, looking at porn, etc, never helped out any relationship. If he struggles with that kind of stuff frequently, have him check out http://www.settingcaptivesfree.com. They could help him overcome this problem. At any rate, I think the best thing to do if you haven't done it already would be to talk with him directly about what he is doing to you. You guys will be in my thoughts and prayers, good luck and God bless.

 

[charligirl]

I can totally understand why it still hurts.. because although it may have been 2 years ago that happened if your husband is STILL commenting on it then it is still a current issue. you may have forgiven him, but the wound is still raw.. particularly so if your husband keeps poking at it.

You need to talk to him about this, explain how hurtful you find his comments, find out if he does have a secret struggle with porn or anything similar. It sounds like he has had some poor input about women somewhere, if he is still making comments and it could be a sign of a deeper issue that he needs healing.

Pray , pray and pray for wisdom, for the right time to speak and the words to say. make it clear that you love and support him, but his comments are unacceptable and not loving.

I don;t really have any other advice, I just pray that God moves mightily in this situation.

 

[JillLars]

I agree with charligirl, you need to make it clear when he says something like that that you find it rude and hurtful. Don't wait till later to say something, say it immediately after he makes that type of comment. Guys tend to think women hold grudges, so you can avoid this argument if you let him know right away.

My sister just told me tonight that she is having a similair problem with her boyfriend making comments about her weight (she is not at all fat). This is what I told her to do. I'll keep you in my prayers!

 

[brokenbananas]

Anj,

Talking is really good and I agree. Let your husband know how you feel in a gentle, but firm way. As far as the hurt you still feel, I've had other posts regarding dealing with negative emotional things. I'm not going to rewrite those posts, but you can search the posts under my name or do a search of all posts for Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT).

About 2 wks ago, I was really hurt by something my cubemate (the guy I share a cubicle with at work for almost 6 yrs) did. I talked about it with a few people as well as my husband, yet I couldn't get over the hurt and offense I felt. Logically I knew that it was not such a great thing he did and knew I had to get over it for various reasons. I just couldn't.

EFT in a nutshell is using energy psychology (which I combine this with prayer, seeking God for truth, and the Bible) that breaks the negative emotions that not only impact our body psychologically, but physically. I've known how to do this for 3 yrs and use it quite frequently. But, there was a part of me that wanted to hold onto the offense...as bad as that sounds, which makes no sense to me...but that's what I did. I had this tool that God enabled me to utilize, but I refused.

Nearly 2 wks at work I was miserable. I just couldn't get past it and you could see that look on my face that I was unhappy and even my body language. Totally non-Christlike. BTW, holding onto this offense has affected me negatively in other areas of my life. God doesn't want us to be offendable and hold onto offenses. I prayed, but in a warped way refused to make this right.

My cubemate was retiring and although I was happy for him, I heard it from someone who didn't even work remotely in our area. He sits 4' from me and didn't have the courtesy to tell me. There's more, but that's the basic jist. He retires next week and I was just going to let him leave with this hostility I felt. Christlike, eh? NOT!!! God kept prodding me....deal with it....tap on it (EFT). Finally, yesterday I submitted and did my EFT on this situation.

After I did that, which took maybe 2-3 minutes, I felt much better. I was able to rationally get him a card and have my whole work group sign it. Also, I found out I had offended a woman nearly a year ago yesterday afternoon. It blew me away. She hung onto this every day. My manager had to step in. It felt good to not be offended by my cubemate any longer. I also decided that since I offended this woman, I would apologize and try to make it right. I had felt threatened by her about a year ago and expressed some of it. I did my tapping at that time and got over feeling threatened and have been fine about that since then, but she hung onto this thing for nearly a year.

I'll probably write another post in post it where appropriate in one of the forums about the EFT, so that people can more easily do a search on it. You can use it or not. Although I want people to be healed of their emotional pain, not everyone is ready or willing to use EFT, which is a natural, safe, inexpensive, quick technique. You have to be willing to step outside your box and try something different. Of course, if you feel that God doesn't want you to do this, don't. But, I think at least to better understand about this would greatly empower you.

God has proved us with many tools to use, so as long as they do not become idols/take the place of God in our lives, and draws us closer to Him, I think we are fine. Anyway, I know I've spoken in some vaguities. I just don't have time right now to further explain. I wish I could empower and teach all the hurting people in these forums some of the more effective tools that I've learned, so that each of you could lead Christ-filled, abundant lives.

Blessings,
Doris

 

[Jenna]

Oh anj, I am so sorry. *hugs*

I haven't been in exactly the same position as yourself, but one similar enough that I hurt for you. It's not a 'no big deal' situation when a man lusts after another woman and puts his wife down because of it. *shakes head* Since he is still making rude comments concerning it, it would probably be best to sit down and have a talk specifically about this issue of him comparing you to another woman. I can see where a man might get a little put out when the children start to come, being that we just don't normally have the time or energy to bother with fixing up hair and make up. So, that is always something to consider, whether you've started to let things like that slip, when it would help make your husband feel special. However, there's no good excuse for his poor behavior, or the rude comments. I wish that I had some good advice for you, but I really don't. My husband and I had some pretty wicked arguments over his hang up with looking at other naked women, and then comparing me and finding me lacking. I definitely wouldn't wish that on you for anything. I'll be praying for the two of you, for sure. I really hope that he can understand how this is hurting you, and make the choice to put you first in his life (obviously after God, mind you). If you want to talk any time, feel free to PM me. *hugs*

 

[Svt4Him]

I am really sorry to hear about that. I would suggest that you and your husband go see someone. A pastor should be able to recommend someone.

The hurt is there because forgiveness is a process. I believe true forgiveness has no pain attached to the memories, although there may still be consequences. But it is not something that happens overnight.

And your husband needs some guidance, and quite possibly some accountability. A person with nothing to hide, hides nothing, and if your husband is lying about this, and thinking there's more out there, he will start to wonder.

Please seek out someone in your church.

 

[Piano Player]

I am so sorry for what you are going through. Sounds like you and your husband need marriage counseling. While I am not advocating going to strip clubs, the context of your husband's visit as part of a bachelor party is quite common. I am sure he would have found it extremely difficult to go with his friends to Reno, and be the only one not attending. A regular addiction to such places is a very different matter, but you did not indicate he ever went again.

The more serious part of your original post, is how it keeps coming up again in your marriage. Your insecurity about how you compare, and his feeding your insecurity by making comparisons is a vicious circle. The victim of this circle is you. It will be hard to break this circle by posting here. You should both discuss this in front of a live counselor or your minister.

 

[Svt4Him]

A regular addiction to such places is a very different matter, but you did not indicate he ever went again.

I agree with your post, but if this was not an issue, why lie about it?

 

[Mr.Cheese]

I knew if I had a bachelor party my friends would have taken me to a strip club.
Thus I failed to get back home in order for that to happen.

It does seem to be some kind of "tradition" to take the guy to a strip club for the bachelor party.
Note that I didn't say it was an intelligent tradition.

 

[Jenna]

A promise is a promise though, if he said that he wouldn't be going to a strip club, he had every chance to back out while they were thumbing through the yellow pages. A man's word should be worth more, and so should his respect for his wife. I know what guys say about one another when they find out that one guy doesn't want to do something because his wife has a problem with it. Still, no matter how much he gets ribbed or is said to be PW'ed, a man's word should mean enough that he would take it and be the better person for it.

All that aside though, it seems like anj might very well have gotten over that for the most part, if he would stop making comparisons. Whatever he did in the past is probably better to stay there, but it just worries *me* that he keeps making an issue of her attractiveness.