What’s your opinion on this story?

[iter itineris]

Hi everyone,

I’m hoping that I can get some opinions here. I have been working on a story called “A Wizard’s Tale” for many years. I created a Web site to host the chapters online so that anyone can read them. Currently I have 12 Chapters listed.

I have felt lead to create a Christian “fantasy” story. I have grown up with a high appeal for fantasy stories and the real life messages they can get across. I always admired C.S. Lewis’ Narnia to be a wonderful way to symbolically get Christianity across to many young readers. It truly impacted me.

I know everyone has only so much time in the day, and life in today’s word is busy. But I would truly appreciate insightful and honest assessments of the story. And any feedback with where it’s going, how it can be improved, and if it is fun and exciting to read or boring and not worth continuing.

I would truly appreciate any feedback. Please visit my site at www.awizardstale.net

 

[Leathel]

Hey there,

Love the website and the intro. Did you do that? I will try and make some time to read the story and give some feedback.

Thanks,
Leathel Grody
Author of "Faith of the Unforgotten"

 

[Zenaide]

I started to read chatper one, love the intro! Get's ones attention. Keep it up. Good stuff!

 

[Lessien]

Wow......that's really really good! I love fantasy, so the beginning got my attention right away, and the rest of the chapter kept me going.

 

[Jet1988]

Half way through. It's really good. Got to go but will be sure to read the rest soon.

 

[iter itineris]

Thank you everyone for your positive feedback. Sorry for not responding sooner, I had it setup to e-mail me when a new post was added but for some reason it never notified me.

I really appreciate your comments. Any advice is also welcome. Be sure to check back in the future as I will be adding more chapters.

Thanks so much!

 

[iter itineris]

Hey there,

Love the website and the intro. Did you do that? I will try and make some time to read the story and give some feedback.

Thanks,
Leathel Grody
Author of "Faith of the Unforgotten"

Yep, I took some time to make sure I got the right mood with the site. I put together the flash piece with the same intent in mind. I’m glad to know that I was able to accomplish that. I hope you will enjoy reading the story when you have time.

Thanks!

 

[Ellethidhren]

You have my full attention!!! Great stuff! Do I see another J.R.R. Tolkien on the horizon? Hope so. I bookmarked your site.

 

[iter itineris]

You have my full attention!!! Great stuff! Do I see another J.R.R. Tolkien on the horizon? Hope so. I bookmarked your site.

Thank you very much! It does good to the ears to hear positive comments about the story. I am strongly considering some changes and wonder what the people here who have looked it over think about them:

In another group several people mentioned that I tell too much of the story in the beginning. The advice that less is more was given.

I am thinking about taking some of the stuff out of the first chapter such as explaining Mardin’s death though Barlar’s dream, and some of the details in mentioning the two brothers, Barlar and Traphis.

Later in chapter 3 I wonder if I rush Barlar’s youth too quickly?

And finally in Chapter 5, do I have Foalon explain too much of the mystery of Mardin?

I would really love and welcome any thoughts and impute anyone has to offer me on this.

Thanks again!

 

[Lucubratus]

I haven't read it yet, but it's bookmarked. I like your webpage! Maybe you can design mine...heeheee...I suck at Flash.

I'll give it a good read soon as I can and post comments later.

 

[SpiritJoy]

Beautiful intro, great work! I just read the first page. The story appeared to be an interesting one, but I found it hard to follow. It wasn't flowing easily. I got the impression of disjointed thoughts. Ex: You introduce the 2 brothers, mention their father had died and then bring in Marda. Next paragraph you mention "he died." It's not clear at that point who you are talking about. Why did you end the first paragraph with an introduction of the person, Marda?

The last sentence in a paragraph should take you into the next.

 

[iter itineris]

I haven't read it yet, but it's bookmarked. I like your webpage! Maybe you can design mine...heeheee...I suck at Flash.

I'll give it a good read soon as I can and post comments later.

Thanks! I'm looking forward to hear what you think about it

Flash is a good program, but takes a little getting used to. I'm still not all that good at the Action Scripting, but I can make something look ok.

 

[iter itineris]

Beautiful intro, great work! I just read the first page. The story appeared to be an interesting one, but I found it hard to follow. It wasn't flowing easily. I got the impression of disjointed thoughts. Ex: You introduce the 2 brothers, mention their father had died and then bring in Marda. Next paragraph you mention "he died." It's not clear at that point who you are talking about. Why did you end the first paragraph with an introduction of the person, Marda?

The last sentence in a paragraph should take you into the next.

This is the very kind of stuff I’m looking for! I have a story in my head, and I think it is a good story. But I’m just not sure I’m putting it down on paper as well as it should be.

Someone else said the beginning was a bit jagged but the later chapters were much smoother. I actually stated the story when I was 13, now being 27 I hope to be able to do a little better job on it, hoping I have learned a little more about writing since then.

Mardin is the father of Barlar. Traphis has a different father that gets explained later in the story (haven’t written that part yet). I open the story of the two characters as old men and how they are living as an escape from the dangers of the world. I mention how Mardin dies when Barlar is young as he is dreaming back to that event. Then a few chapters further the story goes back to Barlar as a young man.

I tried to have the first chapter be a summary of what has happened in the past to give some perspective for the reader as they continue reading the following chapters. Someone else told me that less is more and maybe I tell too much of the plot right off? I’m not sure. I wanted people to know that Barlar and Traphis were half brothers, that Mardin was a great man and how he died. Barlar takes up his Dad’s quest and has to walk in his shoes, which is why I wanted to introduce his dad so soon. Maybe it would be better if I did so more gradually? Any and all feedback is much appreciated!

Thanks!

 

[iter itineris]

Wow, this is a really old thread. Just going back to let people know that this book has finally been released!

For the Kindle, click here: Amazon.com: Traphis: A Wizard's Tale eBook: James D. Maxon: Kindle Store
For the Nook, click here: BARNES & NOBLE | Traphis: A Wizard's Tale by James D. Maxon | NOOK Book (eBook)

Thanks again for the past help! I ended up rewriting the entire thing; learned a lot about the writing process since initially posting. Got a new website too: Traphis: A Wizard's Tale - James D. Maxon - Fantasy Story . Would love to get your updated feedback!