We've gone too far

[craigieburns]

Hey
I'm 17, and my girlfriend is 17, we've been dating for 1 month and 2 weeks now. She isn't a Christian and I am a very strong Christian but before we went anywhere into a relationship I made sure that she respected my beliefs and that it was okay if I was saving myself till marriage (Abstaining from all sexual activity). However over the past two weeks, whenever i'm with her I have this strong desire to put my hands in places I shouldn't. Yesterday was the worst, we got caught up in the moment and she ended up giving me a handjob. Now that we're out of the moment we're both heavily regretting everything that's happened. She said that maybe she's not right for me because she did it but it takes two to tango and I did alot of the leadup. I feel awful and very guilty and I don't know what to do. Someone please help me

 

[heliumskylark]

In my experience it's basically impossible to abstain from sexual activity unless you're both on the same page. For that matter, even if you ARE on the same page it's bloody difficult - why make it moreso by dating someone who doesn't believe the same as you? She needs to do more than "respect your beliefs" - she needs to have the same commitment herself or you're going to keep repeating the same mistake. I would ask yourself if it's more important to date this particular girl or more important to save yourself for marriage, because unless she's willing to actively support you in your choice, you're going to have to pick one or the other.
But if you're really serious about abstaining and she's willing to get on board with it, you have to give yourself a realistic shot at success, because it's difficult - as you've discovered. Make your commitments specific - e.g. we're not going to be alone in the house together, we're not going to lie down together, we're not going to kiss below the neck, etc (those are examples; come up with whatever works for you) - and then stick to them. Find an accountability partner if it helps.

 

[dayhiker]

To deal with the guilt .. confess your sin and know that God forgives.
Then I'd say go with the above post.

 

[SnowyMacie]

What the two people above me said.

 

[CCHIPSS]

You have to draw a line well well before "No sex before marriage". Let's assume that the actual act of sex itself is at 100. By just saying "No sex before marriage", you are also saying "I will let you get to 99 and it is still ok."

And trust me when you let someone get to 99, you will almost certainly get into 100 (sex itself). You would be way too close to the edge to pull back.

So you have to draw a new, earlier line. Maybe 80? Maybe 60? Maybe 40? You have to pray about it and figure it out for yourself.

For me and my GF, our rule is that our clothing have to stay on no matter what. To me this is at 80. But maybe this to you is 90. It really depends on how close you feel you are getting to having sex (100).

Anyways I think it is clear to you now that she does want sex before marriage. You pretty much rejected her advance that time (rightfully so because you are a Christian). I know you feel very guilty. She would tell you that she is guilty too, but I doubt she is as guilty as you are.

And she is pretty much threatening break up unless you let her have her way. You can tell this if you read the subtle messages.

I can also tell you from personal experience that it is ok for a girl to reject the sexual advances from a guy. The relationship might still last. But it is not ok for a guy to reject the sexual advances of a girl. It would hurt the pride of the lady too much and she would most likely run away.

I am not saying you should let her have her way. I am just telling you to prepare for the worst.

Let's be fair she has every right to want sex because she is not even a believer. Heck I am a believer and I want sex too! But I refused and controlled myself because God said no and I trust God.

It is ok to want sex. Everyone wants sex. But we Christians are called to keep ourselves pure until marriage.

You are very young at 17. There are many other ladies you would meet in the future. Do not let this current GF be a regret for your future wife, who you most likely hasn't even met. Love your unmet wife today, just as God loved you before you were born. =)

 

[craigieburns]

Hey
Thanks to everyone for the help, the advice is really good and I agree completely. We're still together and it's been about a month and a half since the 'mistake'. I'm just starting to find it difficult not to want to go back there. When we're together it's now always me who's trying to advance on her. I just don't know how to control it or what to do

 

[dayhiker]

yup,
That's why so many say to never start being that intimate. Our bodies are designed by God to want intimacy and sex.
Think back to when a large percent of women died from child birth yet even after some of their friends that they grew up with died while
giving birth they still wanted to have with with their husbands. That has always spoke to me about how powerful this desire to reproduce is.
Thankfully that has changed with better medicine. But of course we stall are the people God created with the same desires God created in us.

So its not the desire that is wrong, its simply what you, you and her, do with it.

 

[Dave-W]

I'm just starting to find it difficult not to want to go back there. When we're together it's now always me who's trying to advance on her. I just don't know how to control it or what to do

That is just basic biology. You got something that felt really good and now you want to get more. You are a typical 17 yo. Your hormones are driving the show here.

I would suspect that you have re-lived that moment many times over the last few weeks. Am I right?

If you really don't want to go there, take some radical steps like NEVER EVER being alone together. Have an adult christian that you vow to tell EVERYTHING to to keep you on the straight path.

Not just what you physically did together, or talked about doing; but ALSO what you were tempted to do, dreamed about doing, etc. Like WHY you wanted to put your hand THERE. Or wanted her to put her hand ......

Unless you take these steps or break up with her, you will go there again - I guarantee it. And then you will go a step farther.

 

[Saucy]

Hey
I'm 17, and my girlfriend is 17, we've been dating for 1 month and 2 weeks now. She isn't a Christian and I am a very strong Christian but before we went anywhere into a relationship I made sure that she respected my beliefs and that it was okay if I was saving myself till marriage (Abstaining from all sexual activity). However over the past two weeks, whenever i'm with her I have this strong desire to put my hands in places I shouldn't. Yesterday was the worst, we got caught up in the moment and she ended up giving me a handjob. Now that we're out of the moment we're both heavily regretting everything that's happened. She said that maybe she's not right for me because she did it but it takes two to tango and I did alot of the leadup. I feel awful and very guilty and I don't know what to do. Someone please help me

So why are you dating a non-Christian? You don't take being equally unyoked verse seriously?

Depending on your life plans, you are probably years from marriage. That's a lot of temptation that will creep up and as much as she will try to honor what you want, she doesn't believe or feel the same way you do about it. Right now all those emotions are at a fever pitch, but if you really stopped to think about it, there's going to be a whole lot more temptation than just sex. For the purposes of compromise in a relationship, there are a lot of things you're going to do that go against your faith. That's why it was a command to us not to because this issue will become more prevalent.