Well, he actually did it....????

[notgivingup]

so I have posted a few times on here trying to get advice about some tough situations with my husband. for anyone that hasn't read my post about 6 months ago my husband told me he wishes he could go back in time and be a polygamist instead of being married to just me so that he could have 50 or more children because the amount of kids that we could have together wouldn't suffice. well during all this time I've obviously been in shock and then I go through the stages of grieving. I've asked him if he wants to work on our marriage and have also tried marriage counseling and he says if working on our marriage means giving up the idea of being a polygamist, than no, he has no desire to work on our marriage and has no desire to have a life or marriage with me at all. I have continued seeing a therapist once a week for the past 5 months. the newest update is during all of this time of course he was going on polygamy dating sites just checking out profiles but not actually making contact. well a few days ago I discovered something on the computer and confronted him and he admitted that he has been talking with other women. I was in shock and just left the office and I've been sick ever since with strept throat so we really haven't been around each other that much because I moved out into a separate apartment about 2 weeks ago.
how would you respond to him? I honestly consider this to be adultery and that he has begun cheating on me mixed with everything else that he's put me through over the past 6 months. we both work together and I went ahead and gave notice that I will be leaving the first part of April to move back in with my parents that live about 2 hours away. I consider our marriage over, I guess my main question really is how would you respond to him during this next month that we work together, we live separate. how would you deal with him, what should I say to him? do I just ignore him entirely unless it's related to work? I guess the woman part of me wants to say something to him like a final statement, kind of like okay, you actually cheated on me and we are over, I respect myself more than this to keep being a doormat to you and obviously you have moved on with your life. Congratulations, you are being so selfish to get what you want that you committed afultery! the problem with saying anything I've learned with him is that no matter what I say even when he's wrong he tries to twist it and put the guilt and blame on me and leave me tongue twisted. any advice? I know when I move back in with my parents he'll still try to contact me some. its funny leading up to this I would mention to him okay why don't you just leave me already and we just call it quits and divorce, since this is the life you want you say you're going to go after It anyways, he would always respond "well it really doesn't change anything, we will still be married." this is because he never believed in divorce unless one of us committed adultery. and he always said he would never do that... ha! maybe that's why I'm wanting to say a final statement to him. Or do I just move in with my parents and begin no contact with him whatsoever when he calls and ingnore him, because I know he's going to call me, its like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. or should i maybe write him a letter explaining everything that I feel betrayed and broken and now knowing that he is committed adultery against me? or is that a bad idea?

 

[1watchman]

It sounds like you should separate physically and wait to see if actual adultery has occurred. It appears he is determined to be an adulterer sooner or later. A divorce should always wait on concrete evidence of the dishonor, as the Bible shows.

Write me if you would like to talk further. Look up always!

 

[akmom]

If he doesn't care, then there isn't much point in writing him a letter about how you feel. If he contacts you, just tell him you're not interested in a polygamous relationship, and he clearly lacks the self-control or resolve to be monogamous, so you don't want him any more.

I certainly wouldn't want to be exposed to all the diseases other women could introduce to the relationship, nor would I want the poverty and madness that typically comes with 50 children and wives desperate enough to marry already-married men. So tell him he can start from scratch on his quest for wives on nasty polygamy websites!

If he stalks you, get a restraining order.

 

[ValleyGal]

Right now, knowing his intent to commit adultery, are you planning on divorcing him? Or are you going to stay married and see what happens?

 

[notgivingup]

I am planning to divorce. I think he pretty much answered that for the both of us.

 

[ValleyGal]

In that case, my advice is to have as little contact with him as possible. If you have already divided up your assets, that is even better. While you're working, just do your own job, not his. Make sure all the duties are spelled out as to who is doing what, then avoid him for work duties. On your off-time, spend it getting ready for your move and preparing your separation papers. When you prepare your affidavit, make sure you include in it his stated intent to live a polygamous lifestyle. Then you will have done all you can to make the legal system aware of his illegal desires.

Once you move, let him know that the only contact you will have with him will either be to reconcile the marriage minus any thought of polygamy, or for divorce purposes.

When you do have contact - because you will - be pleasant, but only deal with the current purpose of contact. Don't get drawn into the discussion anymore, and don't share your personal feelings, etc with him. He has made up his mind, and you are unwilling to share your husband (rightfully) with other women. So only deal with the tasks at hand.

He already knows how you feel, so imo there is no need to write him a letter. But if it makes you feel better to write all this, it might be a good idea to keep a journal. That can take the form of letters to him if you like, but don't send them.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It so sucks, but you absolutely deserve to be with a husband who loves you and you alone, and who is faithful to you alone, forsaking all others to be with you.

 

[ProudMomxmany]

I am planning to divorce. I think he pretty much answered that for the both of us.

Then have NO contact with him as much as possible. Don't tell him how you feel, what you think, nothing. The next contact he should get is from an attorney. You can have it written in your separation agreement that any contact has to go through the attorneys on the case and you desire that he not contact you.

I'm so sorry it came to this...but I honestly think your husband is a jerk.

 

[sdmsanjose]

By Notgivingup
I've asked him if he wants to work on our marriage and have also tried marriage counseling and he says if working on our marriage means giving up the idea of being a polygamist, than no, he has no desire to work on our marriage and has no desire to have a life or marriage with me at all

Your husband is a selfish punk and a cop-out!!!

I guess my main question really is how would you respond tohim during this next month that we work together, we live separate. how would you deal with him, what should I say to him? do I just ignore him entirely unless it's related to work?

I think that a section from the book “Love Must Be tough, Hope for a Marriage in crises” can be of some help if there is any chance of saving the marriage. Here is a reprint below:

<H1 style="MARGIN: auto 0in">Sending the Right Message

Groveling techniques increase the depth of disrespect by the escaping spouse.

The Right Message

If begging and pleading are ineffective methods of attracting a member of the opposite sex during the dating days, why do victims of bad marriages use the same groveling techniques to hold a drifting spouse? They only increase the depth of disrespect by the one who is escaping. Instead, they should convey their own version of the following message when the time is right:


"John [or Diane], I've been through some very tough moments since you decided to leave, as you know. My love for you is so profound that I just couldn't face the possibility of life without you. To a person like me, who expected to marry only once and to remain committed for life, it is a severe shock to see our relationship begin to unravel. Nevertheless, I have done some intense soul-searching, and I now realize that I have been attempting to hold you against your will. That simply can't be done.
As I reflect on our courtship and early years together, I'm reminded that you married me of your own free choice. I did not blackmail you or twist your arm or offer you a bribe. It was a decision you made without pressure from me. Now you say you want out of the marriage, and obviously, I have to let you go. I'm aware that I can no more force you to stay today than I could have made you marry me in 1989 [or whenever]. You are free to go. If you never call me again, then I will accept your decision.
I admit that this entire experience has been painful, but I'm going to make it. The Lord has been with me thus far and He'll go with me in the future. You and I had some wonderful times together, John. You were my first real love and I'll never forget the memories that we shared. I will pray for you and trust that God will guide you in the years ahead."



Setting Your Spouse Free

Slowly, unbelievably, the trapped spouse witnesses the cage door vibrate just a bit, and then start to rise. He can't believe it. This person to whom he has felt bound hand and foot for years has now set him free! It isn't necessary to fight off her advances &#8212; her grasping hands &#8212; any more.
"But there must be a catch," he thinks. "It's too good to be true. Talk is cheap. This is just another trick to win me back. In a week or two she'll be crying on the phone again, begging me to come home. She's really weak, you know, and she'll crack under pressure."
It is my strongest recommendation that you, the rejected person, prove your partner wrong in this expectation. Let him marvel at your self-control in coming weeks. Only the passage of time will convince him that you are serious &#8212; that he is actually free. He may even test you during this period by expressions of great hostility or insult, or by flirtation with others. But one thing is certain: He will be watching for signs of weakness or strength. The vestiges of respect hang in the balance.


From the June 2000 Focus on the Family newsletter. Copyright © 2000, Focus on the Family. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.

</H1>

By Notgivingup
I respect myself more than this to keep being a doormat to you and obviously you have moved on with your life.

I am so glad that you feel that way. What he is doing will attack your self esteem and maybe even weaken you. He is very selfish and cruel and you will suffer for his disastrous thinking. I am glad that you see clearly the situation and that you are way too valuable to have him reduce you to a door mat. Congradulations on being strong and not an enabler!

This is just my opinion. I would tell him that if he decides that he is going to give up the idea of having other wives and now desires to have you as his only wife and build up your love for each other then you will be open to communication. Otherwise I would tell him no contact and then stick with it.



If you have already decided that there is no chance of saving the marriage and divorce is your hard core decision then disregard the above.

Stan

 

[notgivingup]

Your husband is a selfish punk and a cop-out!!!





I think that a section from the book “Love Must Be tough, Hope for a Marriage in crises” can be of some help if there is any chance of saving the marriage. Here is a reprint below:


</H1>





I am so glad that you feel that way. What he is doing will attack your self esteem and maybe even weaken you. He is very selfish and cruel and you will suffer for his disastrous thinking. I am glad that you see clearly the situation and that you are way too valuable to have him reduce you to a door mat. Congradulations on being strong and not an enabler!

This is just my opinion. I would tell him that if he decides that he is going to give up the idea of having other wives and now desires to have you as his only wife and build up your love for each other then you will be open to communication. Otherwise I would tell him no contact and then stick with it.



If you have already decided that there is no chance of saving the marriage and divorce is your hard core decision then disregard the above.

Stan

Thank you so much, everyone! This has truly been the worst six months of my life. I love him dearly, but I see that he is no longer the man I married and with him now actually talking to other women, I just need to give up hoping and sticking around wishing he'll change. We live in the same complex and every night he stops by, usually for some trivial worm reason or and I quote "just to say hi". He acts very sheepish around me now every since finding out he's been talking to other women.

 

[Hetta]

I don't know, I think I would want to at least write down all of my thoughts, if nothing else to get it out of my system. It seems to me that he gets off scot free and goes on to live his life thinking it's no big deal to treat a wife like this. ISTM that he should know exactly how much pain and heartbreak he has caused to his wife.

OP, I'm so sorry. I believe that you will prevail in the end and heal but this the worst of times for you.

 

[notgivingup]

I don't know, I think I would want to at least write down all of my thoughts, if nothing else to get it out of my system. It seems to me that he gets off scot free and goes on to live his life thinking it's no big deal to treat a wife like this. ISTM that he should know exactly how much pain and heartbreak he has caused to his wife.

OP, I'm so sorry. I believe that you will prevail in the end and heal but this the worst of times for you.

that's what I've been battling with back and forth trying to decide if I should write him a letter and give it to him or not. he seems so irritated towards me and won't take responsibility at all for his actions. my therapist said that's because he's trying to twist it to lessen his guilt by trying to make it seem like I'm the guilty party with in fact he is. in your opinion what would you say to him? Do i just write how I feel even though I told him numerous times how I feel or should I just let it go and not writing anything and just move on with my life and cut contact all together once I move? he keeps asking me why I take it so personally and why I cry and hurt so much, he just keeps saying we just want different things and that he didn't think it through before you we got married, which I agree is true, but it's like he doesn't have any empathy for me at all.

 

[sdmsanjose]

Thank you so much, everyone! This has truly been the worst six months of my life. I love him dearly, but I see that he is no longer the man I married and with him now actually talking to other women, I just need to give up hoping and sticking around wishing he'll change. We live in the same complex and every night he stops by, usually for some trivial worm reason or and I quote "just to say hi". He acts very sheepish around me now every since finding out he's been talking to other women.

I support you 100%.
My dear, you are wounded but are brave and valuable!

 

[sdmsanjose]

Originally Posted by Hetta http://www.christianforums.com/t7807729-post65109014/#post65109014
I don't know, I think I would want to at least write down all of my thoughts, if nothing else to get it out of my system. It seems to me that he gets off scot free and goes on to live his life thinking it's no big deal to treat a wife like this. ISTM that he should know exactly how much pain and heartbreak he has caused to his wife.

OP, I'm so sorry. I believe that you will prevail in the end and heal but this the worst of times for you.





that's what I've been battling with back and forth trying to decide if I should write him a letter and give it to him or not. he seems so irritated towards me and won't take responsibility at all for his actions. my therapist said that's because he's trying to twist it to lessen his guilt by trying to make it seem like I'm the guilty party with in fact he is. in your opinion what would you say to him? Do i just write how I feel even though I told him numerous times how I feel or should I just let it go and not writing anything and just move on with my life and cut contact all together once I move? he keeps asking me why I take it so personally and why I cry and hurt so much, he just keeps saying we just want different things and that he didn't think it through before you we got married, which I agree is true, but it's like he doesn't have any empathy for me at all.

If the purpose of writing to him is to see if he will have any empathy for you I would say DO NOT WRITE.

If writing to him will help YOU in any way I would write.

You are the admired one, he is a selfish punk!

 

[Hetta]

If the purpose of writing to him is to see if he will have any empathy for you I would say DO NOT WRITE.

If writing to him will help YOU in any way I would write.

You are the admired one, he is a selfish punk!

Yes. This makes sense. OP, I don't think you can talk him around, but I agree that if it would help you to release some of your hurt and pain, then do it.

 

[notgivingup]

I think for now I will write a letter but not doing anything with it. if I do decide to give it to him what should I say and how would I give it to him? with me not really talking to him at all unless it's related to work how would I give him the letter and what would I say when I give it to him?

 

[akmom]

It seems to me that he gets off scot free and goes on to live his life thinking it's no big deal to treat a wife like this.

Yes, and it really sucks. But what can you do? You can't force him to feel guilty.

if I do decide to give it to him what should I say and how would I give it to him? with me not really talking to him at all unless it's related to work how would I give him the letter and what would I say when I give it to him?

Mail it.

 

[Hetta]

I never said that people should be forced to feel guilty, only that she should express her feelings.

And I agree that mailing it would be best. It's not an open door to more discussion - it's quite plain that the husband is heading to hell under his own steam, and will not be diverted.

 

[notgivingup]

Ive been reading articles on writing cheating spouses letters for closure and they say that you should sign it as "if you decide you want to work on our marriage let me know and we'll discuss it". is it bad to say that I don't want to put that in my letter because to be quite frank I don't want him to think he can play around and try to get the life he wants and know if he fails ill be his back up plan?? I don't want to sound weak in the letter either I want to sound strong.

 

[Inkachu]

I think you should write a letter during a time when you're calm, objective, and in control of your feelings. I think you have the right as his wife (or former wife) to tell him how his actions, words, and attitudes have affected you. But I don't think you should make it a rant, or something to exact revenge on him, and try to hurt him in return. So, pick a day when you feel like you're able to visit this with a calm mind (pray before starting!), and then try to express yourself with virtue and holiness. Then hold onto the letter and continue to pray until you feel God says it's OK to send it. However long that takes.

And other than the letter, I would stop all contact with him as soon as you're out of the house.

 

[notgivingup]

I saw my therapist yesterday and she thinks I should def write a letter and leave it for him to find the day I leave, she thinks this will help me let out my feelings of hurt. While we're still around each other its weird, my family thinks I have the right to be completely hateful with him. But I just can't, I'm cordial only talk work and then remove myself from the office. The other day he actually said "we should go to a movie or hang out sometime." ????? :/ doesn't make sense. I just ignored it and went to a different topic. My therapist said its the whole wanting what you don't have thing and the next time if he asks say something like "are you still talking with other women? Yes. Then no thank you."