Wedge

[4Everloved]

Mind you I'm not complaining. But it's like there's this wedge in my brain holding it into high gear right now--for about...the last 3 days...and the wedge keeps pushing tighter and tighter.

At the point where I was given the meds, I was mixed episode. (I didn't like being told that; I thought the nurse practitioner was crazy.) She believes that I've been mainly mixed episode for quite a long time, due to my long-standing taking of anti-depressants.

So...here I am...have been doing okay on the new bp meds...and suddenly my mood swings are separating from mixed episode into ...something that I'm not quite used to.

I can't sleep. I stay mad at people who are unfair instead of just blowing it off like I usually do. I do things like 2 days ago, painting the door, the baseboards and the trim instead of writing term papers that are due. I find thoughts of getting even with ppl who have hurt me in the past, jamming into my head so hard that I stopped and prayed about 20 times while I was painting. I tried to concentrate on the praise music; I tried pleading the blood of Jesus and saying 'satan, get behind me', but nothing was working. So it really is biochemical, eh? I think I'm starting to believe it.

Yesterday, I was sitting in algebra class when I was overcome for feelings for the algebra professor. He is older, and I'm a non-traditional student, so I'm still 23 years younger than him. Since the beginning of the class, I have had sort of a mild interest in him because he is funny (humorous) and has seemed to take a special interest in me. Sometimes when I'm dressed really nice I will feel his eyes upon me a lot of extra times during class. I can't explain it, but as I was sitting there yesterday it all built up on me until I couldn't concentrate on the algebra problems he was doing on the board. I suddenly wanted very badly to see if he had a wedding band, even though I'd never had any inclination to check his left hand before! (And to top that off, I'm married myself anyway.) I was having all kinds of thoughts and they weren't good thoughts. I felt ashamed of my thoughts but I couldn't distract myself no matter how hard I tried. I just kept scowling and looking at the board as if I were trying to understand the problems. I would die if that teacher knew what I was thinking. I would die if anyone in that room knew what I was thinking.

Then there was my night class. I have a professor for that class who has truthfully not been fair with me. But I've handled it fine up until now. But last evening...I wasn't handling, I was exploding. During the 10 minute break (it's a 3 hour class), I was out in the hall complaining about the professor when another student told me to be quiet so that Dr. W wouldn't hear me.

"What do I care?" I said loudly. "I'm not getting a good grade anyway, blah, blah, blah," and all the unfairness he'd done came out into my hostile-sounding voice.

Mind you, this unfairness toward me has been going on for over 3 months, since the class started, but last night...I couldn't take it.

About 12:30 last night I prayed to forgive him (Dr. W) and sent him an e-mail apologizing, and I was truly humbled. I knew I'd done wrong and that I hadn't handled the situation correctly. The truth is...he's been unfair to me several times and I had even thought about reporting him to higher authorities for it, but had not taken the steps.

Well...I got 3 hours of sleep last night and don't feel like I could possibly sleep at any time in the near future. I have three tests next Friday (the last day of classes) and four Final tests on the 11th and 12th of December.
If I can keep from painting the entire house today, perhaps I will study.

Okay, I'm done.

 

[rushingwind62]

If I were you I would talk to the Dr about all things. Maybe he/she will change your meds. In the mean time know that we are praying for you!!

 

[4Everloved]

Thanks rushingwind.

The Lamictal is working quite well, but doctor is increasing it in small amounts until it gets to a higher dosage. She said Lamictal can have bad effects if started on at high dosages. I started out at 25 miligrams and I'm presently at 150 miligrams. She wants to eventually have me at about 400 miligrams per day.

Obviously, I need a higher dosage, but it takes some time to get there. I have only been diagnosed as bipolar for less than six weeks.

I appreciate your prayers. I think it's wonderful that we can come here and be honest and pray for each other. Thanks again.

 

[rushingwind62]

your welcome...just be patient and let your DR know all that is happening. Sometimes it takes time for them to find the right combo of meds that will treat bp properly. And sometimes they have to go through several meds to find the right ones. I too am on Lamictal and it works great for me!!!

 

[4Everloved]

 

[Alive again]

Praying for you, especially with the crunch of finals coming!!! Thank you so much for youe post. God used it to help me to understand my obssessive issues over a couple of men in my life that have not made sense to me. He opened my eyes to help me realize this is a symptom of this illness in my life that I have not recognized before! THANK YOU for your honesty! May God quickly bring you to stability. Know even with meds you may crash some. For most with meds there are still mood swings, just much more reasonable and easier to handle. The highs are not overly high and the lows are not overly low.

I too remember the early days of meds and the adapting to the changes in "normal" and what I was used too as being "me", but what you have described is mania symptoms! May God bless you above and beyond today and keep you cafe in the palm of His hand.

 

[angelkiss]

Many prayers going up for you.
s and es!!