wedding date fiasco

[girlscoutdropout]

hello all

i'd really appreciate any support i can find. i'm having a lot of trouble with my parents. i just got engaged very recently, about two months ago. my fiance and i would like to get married august 14th, 2004. a short engagement would be best in both our eyes. plus, because of changing living arrangements, we're going to have to rent a townhouse, and wish not to live together before marriage. well, right off the bat a reserved a reception site and the church without a hitch. then i noticed that my mom wasn't excited, which hurt me to the core. it seems as though her and my father are disapointed that we're getting married this year instead of waiting a year. they even went as far as to say that they want us to just move in together first. that's not what we want. i realize that from now on my fiance comes first, but i just can't bear the thought of planning this wedding without my mom's help and support, which i wouldn't have if i got married this year.

so, my fiance and i were pondering having a very small wedding this march, and having a big wedding in spring 2005. by small wedding, i mean tim and I, and our parents. do you think this would make everybody happy? is it wrong to have two weddings?

 

[erinm]

I can't really help you with any answers, but no, i haven't heard of having two weddings. if you have a small wedding, why don't you two just elope? If you are doing this God's way and really do want to get married, I don't see anything wrong with that.

but if you do decide to have a small wedding...why don't you just opt for a big "hey friends and family....we got married help us celebrate" kind of party. That way you don't have to stress twice and your wedding will be more special.

 

[Warrior Poet]

Vegas....one stop marriage shop.
Get it all on tape.
Edit it with music show it to the fam.
Plan a HUGE blowout party just how your parents want it.
Makes them happy, makes you happy (you're married now )
Live well.

Warrior Poet

Congrats on the engagement by the way.

 

[John the Engineer]

It doesn't sound like the time to plan is the problem with your parents. And the fact that they want you two to move in together is very strange indeed. I would say plan the wedding, tell your Mom if she doesn't want to be a part of it then fine, remember that God planned how to bring the entire nation of Israel into greatness, I think he will be ok with making the wedding plans work out

Pray about it, and you're not wrong to want a short engagement.

 

[John the Engineer]

Oh, and nothing wrong with two weddings, I knew someone who had a wedding for the family and friend's in the bride's home town and then went back to where his parents were from and had another wedding for his grandparents who were not able to make it (very elderly, you know)

 

[katelyn]

I wonder what your parents' reasoning is for being so disappointed. I would try to talk to them some more about it, and maybe they will get used to the idea. When I got married, we were supposed to get married in June 2003 (so it would be after we graduated college) but instead we got married in August 2002. So, it sounds like kind of a similar situation. Maybe our parents weren't thrilled at first when we moved up the wedding date, but they realized that we had been dating a long time, were already engaged, and that waiting 8 or 9 months wasn't going to make that much difference at that point.

 

[E-beth]

This situation is going to set the stage for your entire marriage and your relationship with your parents. Wiill you have an abortion because because your mom thinks it is too soon to have a baby in a year? Will you reject a job because your mother or father don't think it is good enough for you?

The Bible says a married woman leaves her family and becomes one with her husband. If your parents don't want to give their support, then it is their loss. Give them love and respect, but do what you and your fiance think is best for you.

My sister eloped and had a ceremony for friends and family after, but she thought the idea was silly. Her surprise wedding at a waterfall had all the real meaning for her. She went through with the ceremony to make everybody else happy.

 

[DaveKerwin]

explain to your parents who Jesus is, and why he is such a priority in your life. Explain why you are waiting to have sex. If they are reasonable people, they will understand. I have explained this to people, and they quickly understand. The only reason I caugth flack for getting married in June is because my cousin is getting married that month too. She lives with her fiancee, and frankly, I don't have that convencience to get married whenever. I need to get married, pronto. So I am gonna have the wedding in the same month and everyone can simply deal with that

So far so good, no one hates us yet

 

[DaveKerwin]

just have the wedding in August, and ask your parents to love and respect your decision.

 

[jenptcfan]

Be very honest with your parents and tell them that you really are trying to make good decisions (morally speaking) and that you really really need their support in this decision. Maybe if you express how much their enthusiasm would mean to you, they will soften.

 

[IslandBreeze]

E-Beth is right. You are 21 years old. Are you going to let your parents make decisions for you for the rest of your life, or are you going to step up to the plate, and start making adult decisions for yourself and your future husband (and down the line your future children) now? Get married when YOU want to! It's YOUR wedding, and will be YOUR life! Good luck with whatever you decide!

 

[KLLM82]

In regards to how your parents feel, I think when it all comes down to it, I believe that they want the best for you and perhaps they think it would be best if you waited a while longer to get to know your fiance more...who knows but I think you should have an honest talk with your parents so that they can tell you the real reason behind their unhappiness with your plans to go forth with the wedding...like, is it because they think you're too young? or the amount of time you've known your fiance? etc...I was somewhat in your case; I had dated my fiance for about 5 yrs. and when I told my family about our engagement in 2002, my mom was unhappy and one of my sisters literally cried out of sadness. Why weren't they really content with our decision? well, they didn't think he was God's best for me but I was still willing to go forth with the wedding...but by mid Sept. 2003, God began to talk to me constanstly to let me know that it wasn't His will for me and so it was, I broke off the engagement last October. There's a lot more to this story but that's all I say .

In your case, it appears as though they want you to get to know him more if they went as far as telling you to move in with him (which is not the right thing to do) but really, have a talk with them and listen to what they have to say...but most importantly, ask God if the person you intend to marry is the best guy that God has for you. Getting an answer from Him will let you know whether to go forth with the wedding or not. Our Heavenly Father does want to give His children the best .

~Katia~

 

[Mr.Cheese]

Well, what is their reason for wanting you to wait? That's a long time.

having a small wedding first and then throwing a big party later is nice. I know a lot of people who eloped, or got married alone and had their honeymoon, and then they planned the large scale event.

It's good to have the blessing of the parents...but I don't know why they would want you to wait so long.

 

[girlscoutdropout]

well, here's an update:

my fiance and i went up north this weekend to talk to my parents about everything. we asked them why they wanted to wait, and all they could keep on saying is that it was going to be hard. we assured them that we would be fine, and that we had all our finances figured out. well, originallly when we first started talking about getting married, my parents said that they would cover dinner at the reception. well, after our discussion this weekend, my dad got up and said, "well, guess we can't put a new roof on the house this year." now, this almost broke me down into tears, but like heck was i going to let him think he made me cry. i know that they have money for both. heck, they could pay for the whole wedding and a new roof on the house without a hitch. so, now my fiance and i have to pay for the entire thing on our own. now if that seems bad enough, my mom went ahead and handed us a two hundred person invite list that she'd like to see at the wedding. and so, the saga continues. i thought this was suposed to be a happy, fun event? all it's been so far is heart breaking, and nothing but stressful. but, i just wanted to say thanks to all of you for your support. it helped us to go ahead and fight for what we thought was right.

 

[lucypevensie]

I'm not sure if there's enough info for me to base a valid opinion on. I still wonder why they're so against the wedding. Just saying "It's going to be hard" is not a very good reason. hmmm...

Anyway, maybe the best thing to do is just get married on the date of your choice. If your parents choose to help you financially then accept their help (and their guests) graciously. If they choose not to help you then you can have a smaller less spendy wedding that you pay for on your own. (I admit that I'm biased toward small weddings anyway )

 

[katelyn]

I'm sorry. I wish they'd give a clearer reason than "it's going to be hard." That doesn't say anything. They could at least explain why they think it's going to be especially hard!

That would have made me mad about the 200 people guest list. I feel like if they aren't willing to help out, then outside of family they should not be picky about who is invited.

 

[stubbornkelly]

If they're dead set against it, and on top of that are griping about paying for it, you can always pay for it yourselves. I'm all for the "if they want a big to do and I don't, they're going to have to pay for that big to do" approach, but if you really don't want to have them be able to hold anything over you, do what you want and pay for what you want. The money gripe you're getting is just another power play.

If they have valid reasons for wanting you to wait, you should consider those reasons. It may not always seem like it, but they do want what's best for you. If you can address all their concerns (real, articulated concerns, not just "it's hard"), that may help them.

 

[desi]

well, here's an update:

my fiance and i went up north this weekend to talk to my parents about everything. we asked them why they wanted to wait, and all they could keep on saying is that it was going to be hard. we assured them that we would be fine, and that we had all our finances figured out. well, originallly when we first started talking about getting married, my parents said that they would cover dinner at the reception. well, after our discussion this weekend, my dad got up and said, "well, guess we can't put a new roof on the house this year." now, this almost broke me down into tears, but like heck was i going to let him think he made me cry. i know that they have money for both. heck, they could pay for the whole wedding and a new roof on the house without a hitch. so, now my fiance and i have to pay for the entire thing on our own. now if that seems bad enough, my mom went ahead and handed us a two hundred person invite list that she'd like to see at the wedding. and so, the saga continues. i thought this was suposed to be a happy, fun event? all it's been so far is heart breaking, and nothing but stressful. but, i just wanted to say thanks to all of you for your support. it helped us to go ahead and fight for what we thought was right.

Look, a wedding is not about a wedding it is about a marriage and a marriage is just as valid from Vegas or the most expensive church on the block. Tell your parents you want a big marriage for their benefit and you would be just as happen aloping in Vegas because the result is the same. If they don't relent on helping pay go to Vegas with your close friends and family and do the deed. Just as many expensive marriages fail as cheap ones. Mine cost around $20 and we're going on ten years. Don't get caught up in extravagance because the end is the same poopy diapers, extra weight, and morning breath experience either way for the rest of your life.

 

[n3w3xp]

girlscoutdropout,
It seems that I am alone in my view on this... but I think that you should definitely try really hard to find out WHY your parents aren't happy about your wedding date? Is it going to be a really busy time in their work lives, do they have other commitments prior to you announcing your engagement? Is it a financial issue? I'm sure that your parents want to help and be as involved in your wedding as possible, so maybe that is why they want you to wait until next year instead of having a short engagement. Either that, or maybe like others have mentioned, maybe your parents want you to be able to get to know your fiancee a little better before pursuing the marriage. I think you should really have a heart to heart with your parents, either one or both of them (without your fiancee's presence), maybe you'll be able to get a better answer than "it's going to be hard". Sometimes parent's don't always explain their reasons to their children; it would be easier if they did, but sometimes they don't.

No matter what age you are, I think parents are still your closest family; especially before you are even married. If all else fails, we can still go back to our parents or family and they will always be there for us. (Of course this is speaking of a decently functioning family). I don't think just because you are 18, 21, 30, or even 40 we can just disregard our parents' views or opinions. Plus a wedding isn't just a party... it's the beginning of a marriage, and a marriage is not just between the two people, it's the joining of two FAMILIES.

I hope you get the wedding date situation resolved. A wedding shouldn't be a time of heartaches and stress, it should be a time of joy and excitement. So try to make that happen one step at a time and get families together. Take care and God Bless!

 

[JillLars]

now if that seems bad enough, my mom went ahead and handed us a two hundred person invite list that she'd like to see at the wedding.

So, you and your fiance pay for the wedding yourselves I know, it sounds like a daunting task, but if you pay yourselves, you get to call the shots. Josh and I are paying for our own wedding, and I know I will have to tell my mom she can't invite some people cause she wants to bring her coworkers and the whole rest of the world, so Josh and I have figured each of our parents can invite 12 people (outside of family and our close friends), so that would be 24 per set of parents. We don't want more than 175-200 people at our wedding, so we are limiting the number of "strangers" our parents invite. Its our day and we want to be surrounded by people who know us and love us, not people we have never talked to. There are ways to save money on a wedding, and if your parents are still being jerks about it, then consider eloping, and throwing a party later.