We went celibate and more problems

[SpiritualButterflies]

I have in a committed relationship for 5 months. We were friends for 2 months before getting together. I had been celibate since I was 16 before I'll be 23 next month. I was playing with fire and lost my virginity when I was 21. Now guys before him would instantly stop talking to me because I was celibate, but he was accepting and in fact admired it. We got to know each other and I found out he was a God fearing man. I admired that. This might sound weird, or crazy, but when I hung around him I could like feel the Godly spirit in him. It was a really strong spirit.
In the begining I used to see scriptures he had written, he would go to church and his Bible would always be open on some page. Now that feeling that I had has faded. He doesn't read the bible as much, misses church more than he did and his bible is kept in his glove department now.
These things changed after we started having sex. We started to have sex like 2 weeks after becoming official. I know it was something we shouldn't have done, but we did. We had sex like alotttttttttttttttttttttttt the first month. And we used to talk about how we wanted to stop because we didnt want to taint our relationship and lose sight of the real reason we got together. We said this a lotttttt of times, but never went through with it until now.
The first month of our relationship was paradise. Mind you this is before I gave my life to Christ, but I had it in my heart to do so. After the first month he started accusing me of cheating on him almost everyday. It was crazy. I wrote him a caring letter about it and he has really changed with that as I had faith he would.
Now that we realize what we have really done by fornicating we seriously stopped. The reasons we quit were because we were sinning, don't want any of the consequences associated with sex sin; which we researched and found answers to why our relationship had taken this toll. We now know sex sin can bring upon curses and much more. And a big reason we became celibate was because we want our relationship to be right in God's eye. We know this union cannot make it alone, without him as our foundation. We even have rings to symbolize this promise to God and each other.
Since, I have been celibate before being celibate is easy to me even with my fleshly urges. This is very hard for him. Everytime he has these urges of his flesh the matter of separation is always brought up, but something in me fights against it. I think the devil really works on him when he has those urges. He, also, says that when he leaves me(even though we are together %90 of the time)he gets a feeling that I am cheating on him. That's not the case. I never have and never will. I think those are evil spirits that have entered because of our sex sin. These feelings never fail.
I pray for him. I pray for us. I know this is a battle that I cannot fight and only God can. I love him very much. I have told him I feel like he would be giving up on God because wouldn't put him through anything he couldn't handle. I advised him to put his trust in God and pray. I dont know what to do. We have been talking about marriage for some time now and have a plan for us. In this plan we would not be getting married until 1 1/2 from now. Help me in anyway...

 

[Rheard22]

My opinion respectively would be both you and him discuss that for the benefit of this relationship talk about why postponing relations until marriage is good. If this does not seem feasible for your situation then taking a break to rededicate yourselves to the Lord.

 

[SpiritualButterflies]

We have. We both fully understand why. The problem is his fleshly urge takes control at times. We are together everyday. And these last days have been pretty peaceful.

 

[Johnnz]

He has not got his act together in some areas. His ongoing suspicion of you is a bit worrying. Something lies behind that.

Abstaining from sex, especially after some real 'indulgence' is never easy. But being together so much makes it even harder. Do you both have other good friends, other interests with other people, a life of your own as well as with each other?

Some older people to chat about things would be helpful. You both need some mature Christian influences in your lives.

John
NZ

 

[SpiritualButterflies]

We are aware of this and we both know neither one of us is perfect. Almost everyone of his girlfriends before me has cheated on him and the fact that most of my friends(only friends) are males is kind of iffy to him with my past.
We know that now. We had a plan to separate for awhile, but never agreed to it. Yes, we do, but don't hang out with them much. His friends do things he's not doing anymore and I have phases where I dont want to be bothered by them(nothing personal). I cant say that we do since we spend so much time together. I feel like we are already married. Everywhere we go people think we're married. We have experienced some unexplainable situations as our relationship progressed. We have always had this uncanny chemistry since day 1.
He has older people Christian influences to talk to. I really don't. I would say my mother, but our relationship has changed over the years.

 

[Stirleyyy]

How would you feel is a guy stopped having sex with you, had all female friends, and have a shady past? Stopping sex was the best decision, but you need to think about his feelings and put his mind at rest, because it can look like cheating.

First off, if you have all guy fiends thats a no no. Unless you are very over weight, or not the best looking, then you know some of those guys like you as more than a friend. A woman really shouldnt be hanging out with a bunch of guys all the time when she is in a relationship.

 

[SpiritualButterflies]

I take his feelings into consideration. I know what it looks like, but I feel like he should know my heart. I have proven to him numerous amounts of times that its not what it looks like. I don't hang out with them. They live in another state. Except 2 of them. 1 is gay and the other I used to live with. Yes, we had a past together, but stopped wayyy before I even knew he existed. A friend is a friend no matter what sex they are.
I'm skinny, lol. I'm not ugly either. They have all told me at point they wanted to be more than friends, but I never liked them more than a friend.

 

[technofox]

I have in a committed relationship for 5 months. We were friends for 2 months before getting together. I had been celibate since I was 16 before I'll be 23 next month. I was playing with fire and lost my virginity when I was 21. Now guys before him would instantly stop talking to me because I was celibate, but he was accepting and in fact admired it. We got to know each other and I found out he was a God fearing man. I admired that. This might sound weird, or crazy, but when I hung around him I could like feel the Godly spirit in him. It was a really strong spirit.
In the begining I used to see scriptures he had written, he would go to church and his Bible would always be open on some page. Now that feeling that I had has faded. He doesn't read the bible as much, misses church more than he did and his bible is kept in his glove department now.
These things changed after we started having sex. We started to have sex like 2 weeks after becoming official. I know it was something we shouldn't have done, but we did. We had sex like alotttttttttttttttttttttttt the first month. And we used to talk about how we wanted to stop because we didnt want to taint our relationship and lose sight of the real reason we got together. We said this a lotttttt of times, but never went through with it until now.
The first month of our relationship was paradise. Mind you this is before I gave my life to Christ, but I had it in my heart to do so. After the first month he started accusing me of cheating on him almost everyday. It was crazy. I wrote him a caring letter about it and he has really changed with that as I had faith he would.
Now that we realize what we have really done by fornicating we seriously stopped. The reasons we quit were because we were sinning, don't want any of the consequences associated with sex sin; which we researched and found answers to why our relationship had taken this toll. We now know sex sin can bring upon curses and much more. And a big reason we became celibate was because we want our relationship to be right in God's eye. We know this union cannot make it alone, without him as our foundation. We even have rings to symbolize this promise to God and each other.
Since, I have been celibate before being celibate is easy to me even with my fleshly urges. This is very hard for him. Everytime he has these urges of his flesh the matter of separation is always brought up, but something in me fights against it. I think the devil really works on him when he has those urges. He, also, says that when he leaves me(even though we are together %90 of the time)he gets a feeling that I am cheating on him. That's not the case. I never have and never will. I think those are evil spirits that have entered because of our sex sin. These feelings never fail.
I pray for him. I pray for us. I know this is a battle that I cannot fight and only God can. I love him very much. I have told him I feel like he would be giving up on God because wouldn't put him through anything he couldn't handle. I advised him to put his trust in God and pray. I dont know what to do. We have been talking about marriage for some time now and have a plan for us. In this plan we would not be getting married until 1 1/2 from now. Help me in anyway...

I hate to break it to you, but once you get the genie out of the bottle for a guy, it gets very hard to put it back in. Sex outside of marriage is a tricky problem: for one thing its that you build up an intimacy that is out of this world, for another is that now that the bonding has happened its even harder to do without it.

To be blunt, its going to be a tough road ahead. I have been where you are at and going without it that long (1.5 years) is going to be a tough road for him and yourself. I have been through a sexless marriage, which is just as bad, if not worse, than your situation. He is probably feeling frustrated, angry, and may even a little rejected, because that intimacy has been apart of your lives. Its best to pray about this, but he may need to start, umm... well... ouh... batting practice (for the uninitiated masturbation)

In all seriousness, I hope it works out for you two.

 

[Stirleyyy]

Your really not taking his feelings into consideration. He doesn't know your heart, he cant, espcially if you have had incidents of lying/deception. Only God knows your heart, and God ONLY.

NO WONDER he thinks your cheating. Not only with all that of the previous mentioned, you stopped with him while you continue the hangout with someone you use to live and most likely had sex with.

I doesn't matter when it stopped, its principal. Here you are hanging out with guys who you know are attracted to you and will get with you at any chance. They ARE NOT friends. They are attracted to you, and you like the attention they give you, which makes you just as guilty. What your doing is wrong on so many levels, im honestly surprised how he puts up with it.

How would you feel if he hung out with a female that he use to live and most likely have sex with(if im wrong about this im sorry) AFTER he stopped having sex with you? Again stopping the sex was the best thing, but what your doing to him is wrong, and your intentions cant be 100% pure. You LOOK like a liar, and a hypocrite to him. Im not saying you are, but sometimes If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck.Sounds like a lot more to this story you are not telling. I am assuming a lot because im not getting a lot of information, sorry if im wrong.

 

[technofox]

Your really not taking his feelings into consideration. He doesn't know your heart, he cant, espcially if you have had incidents of lying/deception. Only God knows your hart, and God ONLY.

NO WONDER he thinks your cheating. Not only with all that of the previous mentioned, you stopped with him while you continue the hangout with someone you use to live and most likely had sex with.

I doesn't matter when it stopped, its principal. Here you are hanging out with guys who you know are attracted to you and will get with you at any chance. They ARE NOT friends. They are attracted to you, and you like the attention they give you, which makes you just as guilty. What your doing is wrong on so many levels, im honestly surprised how he puts up with it.

How would you feel if he hung out with a female that he use to live and most likely have sex with(if im wrong about this im sorry) AFTER he stopped having sex with you? Again stopping the sex was the best thing, but what your doing to him is wrong, and your intentions cant be 100% pure. You LOOK like a liar, and a hypocrite, and im honestly not sure how far off that is from the truth. Sounds like a lot more to this story you are not telling. I am assuming a lot because im not getting a lot of information, sorry if im wrong.

Good point. I don't think their relationship is going to last long with him thinking she is cheating on him and with her hanging out with said friends. They really need to talking things out, like their feelings, what is bothering them, why, and other stuff like that.

To the OP - I would highly recommend seeing a relationship counselor. Particularly one that is Christian and married. Also get the book Love & Respect, as well as For Men Only (for him obviously) and For Women Only (for yourself obviously). If you value your relationship with him, now is the time to show him that by getting serious and talking about your relationship's problems.

 

[K9_Trainer]

I take his feelings into consideration. I know what it looks like, but I feel like he should know my heart. I have proven to him numerous amounts of times that its not what it looks like. I don't hang out with them. They live in another state. Except 2 of them. 1 is gay and the other I used to live with. Yes, we had a past together, but stopped wayyy before I even knew he existed. A friend is a friend no matter what sex they are.
I'm skinny, lol. I'm not ugly either. They have all told me at point they wanted to be more than friends, but I never liked them more than a friend.

I'd have to disagree. If you were taking his feelings into consideration, you would be modifying your behavior and figuring out some compromises for how you can maintain these friendships without making him feel uncomfortable or paranoid. Right now, you're just making him deal with his feelings while you do what you want because he knows it's not right for him to tell you what to do or that you can't have certain people as friends. I'd also have to agree with the other men that posted here...When you stop having sex, and then start hanging out or talking more to a guy that you had a previous relationship with...It really looks sketchy. And you are aware of that, so you should be making steps to change rather than risking your boyfriends trust each time you do it.

Believe me, the last thing you want is for your boyfriend to leave you because of a rumor, and rumors start easy when people know you have a boyfriend, but then you are seen with another man, even if it is strictly platonic. Is maintaining such close friendships with other men really worth the risk? I would recommend total transparency when it comes to Facebook, texts and phone calls, and take your bf if you want to hang out with a guy friend.

 

[andymac445]

I have two pieces of advice for you and your bf. Proverbs says "My son, keep your father’s command, and don’t reject your mother’s teaching. Always bind them to your heart; tie them around your neck." (6:19-20) You need to be reading God's word daily, as to put wisdom into your heart. It will protect you the next time you are tempted and it will give you understanding and discernment for what to do next. Never never never stop reading God's word.

Along with that, you and your bf should be reading God's word and praying together. This will strengthen your relationship so that you are both moving toward Christ together. This will help you to begin a healthy mindset for your relationship that will lead to a marriage that is Christ-centered.

My second piece of advice is to stay away from places where it's just you and him. "Let your eyes look forward; fix your gaze straight ahead. Carefully consider the path for your feet, and all your ways will be established. Don’t turn to the right or to the left; keep your feet away from evil." (Prvb 4:25-27) Set some ground rules where you will never meet in each other's homes or any place where temptation can creep its head in. It's easy to communicate online these days, and when you meet, hang out in public places where you can talk, study God's word, and enjoy each other's company without feeling the pressures of temptation.

Praying for you and good luck!

 

[Larry Mondello]

I have in a committed relationship for 5 months. We were friends for 2 months before getting together. I had been celibate since I was 16 before I'll be 23 next month.

I was playing with fire and lost my virginity when I was 21.

Now guys before him would instantly stop talking to me because I was celibate, but he was accepting and in fact admired it. We got to know each other and I found out he was a God fearing man. I admired that. This might sound weird, or crazy, but when I hung around him I could like feel the Godly spirit in him. It was a really strong spirit. .

OP,
You're right to want to stop sexual relations.
Like the other posters have said, it's difficult once you give your body to another.

You seemed responsible in waiting until you were in your 20s to lose your virginity.
Want to commend you for your responsibility as I read many girls lose their virginities @14, which is way too early IMO.

Now guys before him would instantly stop talking to me because I was celibate, but he was accepting and in fact admired it.

That's good of him to be patient with you and respect your choice.
Please explain your position and feelings to this guy.
If he really cares for you, he'll understand and be patient.

If it doesn't work with this guy and you should date other guys, please hold to your conviction.

You not wanting to have sex until married, even though you're not a virgin, is your "boundary."
If a guy can't honor and respect that, he won't respect you and isn't worth your time.

We got to know each other and I found out he was a God fearing man. I admired that. This might sound weird, or crazy, but when I hung around him I could like feel the Godly spirit in him. It was a really strong spirit.

Even godly men fall to sexual temptation.
Try not to put yourself in situations, like being alone, wearing provocative clothing, etc., that places you in compromising situations.

You are what we call a "reborn" virgin.
Of course, your physical virginity is gone, but you're making a clean-break and dedicating your life to sexual responsibility.

 

[Larry Mondello]

Now that we realize what we have really done by fornicating we seriously stopped. The reasons we quit were because we were sinning, don't want any of the consequences associated with sex sin; which we researched and found answers to why our relationship had taken this toll. We now know sex sin can bring upon curses and much more. And a big reason we became celibate was because we want our relationship to be right in God's eye. We know this union cannot make it alone, without him as our foundation. We even have rings to symbolize this promise to God and each other.

.

OP,
Future wife & I stopped the sex like you have.
We engaged in sex before marriage on weekends during our 30s.

After we got engaged, we attended required premarital counseling at her Catholic church (I wasn't Catholic) where a lay couple mentored us.

The woman asked if we were engaging in sex.
All the couples (the others were in their early 20s) answered affirmatively.

They advised us to cool the sex and focus on the relationship.

Was feeling Christian guilt, of course, and am glad we stopped having sex bec. it gave me time to seriously consider if I really loved her -- or her body.

As Christians, we've discussed that and confessed and agree it was sinful.
I point out that she still was a "Good Girl" (Good Girl doesn't necessarily mean virgin, just someone who's responsible) and that my motives were honorable as I had no problem stopping the sex when the church counselors urged us.
If I'd only been in it for my selfish desires, would've tried to have sex while engaged... but as a Christian knew we needed to stop.

We still slept in the same bed on weekends those 6 mos. of our engagement, but with clothing. It's amazing we didn't "slip."

So posting this to tell you that you can "begin again" and start your relationship anew.
If he's a Christian man, he should have no problem with your desires to remain sexually responsible prior to marriage.

 

[Verve]

It also might make sense to put down your relationship for a while and not "date" though this probably sounds radical it might give you both the distance you need to see this clearly.

If you are supposed to be together in the long run you will.

There's a good sermon on this from P4CM called "What's love got to do with it."
I'd really recommend this.

Your relationship needs to be based in faith to be equally yoked. Sometimes to heal a bone needs to be re-broken and set properly.

 

[PrinceOfPeace75]

Hi Spiritual Butterflies,

Your story is quite interesting and somewhat unfortunate. I tell many young couples to do all they can to fight the urge because, as you have found out, sex changes everything in a relationship and nothing will be the same. In fact, it isn't sex that changes everything, it is any kind of physical intimacy that leads up to sex, such as kissing, petting and general "easy familiarity" as I like to call it.

The sad part is that, even if you are able to go cold turkey, it still will never be like the days before you began having sex. Sex changes the whole dynamic of a relationship. It takes something that was before just a beautiful friendship and turns it into something infinitely more complexz and overwhelming.

So, I would like to somehow give you some useful advice to help you make it work but, and I speak from my experience having seen many, many young couples, I can promise you it will be an uphill battle that will probably not end well. So my advice would be to cut your losses now and move on. Besides, how can you be with someone that, inexplicably, doesn't trust you?

Move on, learn from your mistake, try to get to know people without bringing the physical element into the equation (yes, it IS possible), and maybe you will have better results.

Warmly,
JR

 

[A2597]

I have two pieces of advice for you and your bf. Proverbs says "My son, keep your father’s command, and don’t reject your mother’s teaching. Always bind them to your heart; tie them around your neck." (6:19-20) You need to be reading God's word daily, as to put wisdom into your heart. It will protect you the next time you are tempted and it will give you understanding and discernment for what to do next. Never never never stop reading God's word.

Along with that, you and your bf should be reading God's word and praying together. This will strengthen your relationship so that you are both moving toward Christ together. This will help you to begin a healthy mindset for your relationship that will lead to a marriage that is Christ-centered.

My second piece of advice is to stay away from places where it's just you and him. "Let your eyes look forward; fix your gaze straight ahead. Carefully consider the path for your feet, and all your ways will be established. Don’t turn to the right or to the left; keep your feet away from evil." (Prvb 4:25-27) Set some ground rules where you will never meet in each other's homes or any place where temptation can creep its head in. It's easy to communicate online these days, and when you meet, hang out in public places where you can talk, study God's word, and enjoy each other's company without feeling the pressures of temptation.

Praying for you and good luck!

I'm quoting this because it is excellent advice, all the way around, for a multitude of reasons.

of the things that you mentioned in your original post, one thing that stood out to me was that he's missing church, and not reading his bible as much. Based on everything else you said, I think this matter has caused guilt on his part, which is interfering with his relationship with Christ. Getting together to read the bible and to pray is EXCELLENT advice. Consider recommending doing a devotional together, and meeting in a park, or someplace where you can have private conversations in public. This will strengthen your relationship both with each other, and with God.
(I speak from experience on this, as my Fiance and I do this).

I also really like the advice about avoiding being alone together, and setting ground rules that leave room for margin. This is going to be *very* hard to do, but well worth it. I can share the ground rules my Fiance and I have set for ourselves (Well...actually we prayed about them, and these were the rules we got as an answer. They were *NOT* the rules we wanted, but in retrospect, we are very, VERY happy with the way we have proceeded in our relationship!)

Again, these are rules that we prayed about, and followed. Our rules were for US, not for YOU. A very close friend of mine doesn't have any of these rules on his list with his girlfriend, yet I know they both prayed about what their limitations were as well. Pray about these together, and then be willing to follow the answer you get).

1. In Courtship
   1. No Kissing
   2. No Cuddling
   3. Side Hugs allowed
   4. No Hand Holding (Yea...neither of us liked that one)
   5. Not putting our arms around each other (I really didn't like that one)
   6. Not being alone in private.
   7. Saving the words "I Love You" for the commitment of engagement. (We found lots of other ways to say it, but had to get creative!)
2. In Engagement
   1. Not being alone in private
   2. No Kissing
   3. No Cuddling
3. In Marriage
   1. Erm... None? LOL

Strict? Umm... Yea. Even a number of our Christian friends think we're nuts. But at the same time, we're so happy we've done things this way, even though it WAS (and IS) hard. (We're two months from getting married now).


Thing is, there was enough margin with these rules that if we went over the line (Say, I held her hand) we didn't fall into any sin. Or in those brief moments where I needed to enter her house for a bit to grab something, or her mine. Again, enough margin that we didn't get ourselves into trouble. It also had an unforeseen advantage, with the severe limitations on physical intimacy, we had to find other ways to show we cared for each other, and also were able to focus more on getting to know each other personally. It built a strong friendship, and trust. It meant that once we got engaged, the words "I Love You" carried a weight to them that wouldn't have been there otherwise. It meant something as simple as holding hands was exciting. In retrospect...I wouldn't do it any other way, even if it was hard to do. Not easy....but worth it!



And lastly, addressing the friends issue...
There has been a lot of good advice posted here, be open to following some of it. Stop hanging out with all guys, try to work in mixed groups of guys and girls, or have your boyfriend present. This will help alleviate any anxiety he's feeling, while also helping to stop any rumors from forming.

 

[Christian Warrior]

awesome advice a2597, I couldnt do it, but I wish I could. I would be too afraid that when the we get married and the time comes for sex that she is terrible in bed or something along those lines. I know that people say if you do that right then God will take care of you...

 

[Larry Mondello]

awesome advice a2597, I couldnt do it, but I wish I could. I would be too afraid that when the we get married and the time comes for sex that she is terrible in bed or something along those lines. I know that people say if you do that right then God will take care of you...

That's an unfounded worry, CW.
Sex isn't rocket science.
If two 14 y.o.s can figure it out....

 

[A2597]

awesome advice a2597, I couldnt do it, but I wish I could. I would be too afraid that when the we get married and the time comes for sex that she is terrible in bed or something along those lines. I know that people say if you do that right then God will take care of you...

We've discussed it, not going in ignoring the subject. I do recommend talking about it, just to avoid an issue where one person has a vastly different sexual drive than the other.