wanting more, is that bad?

[mirly22]

so i have a dilemma.
my boyfriend and i have been dating for almost a year, and i just don't know where we're headed. we're not looking to get married ANYTIME soon, so that's not really what i'm worried about at all.
it's just that i have often felt like we can try harder to be there for each other, because we are both really busy and we sort of rarely get to see each other. and we do have some common times where we could hang out or get coffee, but i feel like he constantly chooses his friends over me.
but every time we get coffee our conversation ends up being pretty superficial because we haven't seen each other in so long, and whenever we end up over at his house or my apartment we just watch a movie or going too far physically.
i want more.
i want more conversation, more real RELATIONSHIP.
we used to talk about God all the time, and now it feels like whenever we do we end up disagreeing or something.
and writing all of this, it seems like we're just a lost cause... we're just at the end of our relationship. but i don't want that! i am in love with this amazing guy and i want us to try.
and i don't know how to communicate that to him, because whenever i have in the past, he's brought up the fact that it's good we're not super codependent and we don't put all of our energy into one another, and that it's good we're busy and focused.
and i completely agree with that. i don't want to be one of those couples who puts everything into one another and then loses their identities, because i've been there before and so has he...
but i think we can try harder. i know we're both busy but i don't know what to do. i don't want the facade of a relationship when there's no real relationship underneath. and that's what i feel like right now.
he doesn't even want to do anything for valentine's day or spring break, and we've talked in the past about how valentine's day is stupid...
and it's not that he doesn't make sacrifices for me. he does.
but i just feel like we're not trying hard enough.

so that's my dilemma. any advice? is it just that we're on the last leg of a dying relationship? even typing that i'm crying because i love him so much. is it just that i'm PMS-ing? because that's a pretty realistic possibility... haha

 

[dayhiker]

I get the impression that even tho you say you agree with him about a number of things like Valentines Day, that you don't really agree with those ideas. If that's what your saying then you will have to use that self identity that you don't want to loss to stand up and say I don't agree any more, its not working for me.

 

[LinkH]

so i have a dilemma.
my boyfriend and i have been dating for almost a year, and i just don't know where we're headed. we're not looking to get married ANYTIME soon, so that's not really what i'm worried about at all.

Why are you dating if you aren't wanting to get married anytime soon?

 

[mirly22]

we want to get married eventually, and we're keeping God at the center of our relationship, but it's not my belief that being in a committed relationship automatically means marriage. and we've discussed that neither of us is ready for that yet.
i think we can want to get married and not have to get married "soon." dating someone doesn't mean you get married a year after you've been dating. it's not something to rush into.
some people may feel differently.
and i have talked to him. i told him my concerns and it was a little rocky at first, but we both opened up about some things we have been holding back a little bit, and we realized that it's not necessarily the amount of time we're spending together but the kind of time we're spending together. and holding things back from each other makes communication go down the toilet and... we've just been settling.
so we're going to work on it.
thanks so much!

 

[iambren]

You both are no where NEAR the point of talking about marriage. I think it is beautiful what you are doing--you are dating! In dating you take time to see if you are compatible.

Intimacy always is an issue when you consider marriage. Some people grow up in a warm, stable, loving home where they learn to love closeness and transparency. Others are disjointed, cool, fiercely independent and operate on a more superficial level. Too much disparity leaves you lonely and him smothered and BELIEVE ME you cannot change each other. Consider if you all are a match to comfortably live together for life.

 

[mina]

It's not wrong to want more in a positive relationship.
You do have to be able to communicate your needs in the relationship in a healthy way; that's not really co-dependancy- it's just being able to have a healthy functioning relationship. It sounds like you want/need quality time and quality communication. There's nothing wrong with that: loving to spend time and loving to talk to your SO is a wonderful thing that adds to the quality of the relationship and makes it deeper andmore meaningful. You recognize that. and it's good that you recognize that you both have t o work on it. Keep communicating with him and don't ever apologize for what you need to connect in a relationship. If he's willing to improve on this with you; then it's worth it.

 

[singlewv2011]

I think you are seeing red flags, and I think you should be concerned. If he is not giving you what you need right now, then he absolutely will not do it in the future. If he can see you occasionally, not make an effort to communicate about important issues, and then you still go to his place and "go too far physically", then where is the incentive for him to try harder? He's probably getting exactly what he wants.

I think you should consider yourself lucky that you are seeing all this now, so many people get married and then live in relationships just like this.

My 2c.

 

[mirly22]

thank you all so, so much for the advice!
i think we just ended up settling into a routine and into comfort without even knowing it!
we haven't been giving enough to each other for a while, and i think i was the first one to really realize it... and in talking about it we've realized that we've settled for giving each other the "leftovers" of our days and weeks, because we've gotten so comfortable with each other...
and i was feeling unsatisfied because we were replacing real intimacy with things that looked like intimacy but really weren't... watching movies, being physical with each other, talking about how tired we were, substituting texting for actual time... and we had a long conversation about it, and HE was actually the one who articulated all of that to me after thinking and praying about it... i hadn't even thought of it like that.
i think that's something that happens in relationships, settling into a routine and not even realizing it.
and like i said before... it's less about how much time we spend together and more about the KIND of time we spend together. and we've resolved to work on it. together.
i think the hardest thing now is knowing and understanding that it's not going to be an immediate change, and really working on it. not just saying we're going to and then not. but i'm excited to see where things go from here

 

[singlewv2011]

Keep us posted. I hope you guys turn it around.

 

[k450ofu3k-gh-5ipe]

I sense from what you are saying that you two are on different wavelengths. He has a more aloof personality and brings it into his relationships while you have a significantly more involved type of personality that you bring into your relationships. Neither personality is wrong or bad in and of itself, but it sounds like you two are at opposite ends of the spectrum.

In order for you to continue to pursue a relationship with him, you need to honestly ask yourself if you are willing to put up with his aloofness for your whole life. Don't lie to yourself that he will change because he will not.

In my opinion, you two don't sound like a very good personality match. Like I said earlier, there's nothing wrong with your two personalities by themselves or with other people similar, but when you bring an aloof person to someone who craves a high involvement type of relationship, you are asking for trouble and heartache. And in this situation, it is you that will feel the trouble and heartache because you are desire to be highly involved and that desire will not be reciprocated by him.

 

[BFine]

so i have a dilemma.
my boyfriend and i have been dating for almost a year, and i just don't know where we're headed. we're not looking to get married ANYTIME soon, so that's not really what i'm worried about at all.
it's just that i have often felt like we can try harder to be there for each other, because we are both really busy and we sort of rarely get to see each other. and we do have some common times where we could hang out or get coffee, but i feel like he constantly chooses his friends over me.
but every time we get coffee our conversation ends up being pretty superficial because we haven't seen each other in so long, and whenever we end up over at his house or my apartment we just watch a movie or going too far physically.
i want more.
i want more conversation, more real RELATIONSHIP.
we used to talk about God all the time, and now it feels like whenever we do we end up disagreeing or something.

*Set boundaries-- no more alone time in each others respective home.
Put effort into planning your dates-- you want meaningful conversations--talking about the Lord and or faith walk(s) etc--then get in the environment where you can chat about such things.


and writing all of this, it seems like we're just a lost cause... we're just at the end of our relationship. but i don't want that! i am in love with this amazing guy and i want us to try.
and i don't know how to communicate that to him, because whenever i have in the past, he's brought up the fact that it's good we're not super codependent and we don't put all of our energy into one another, and that it's good we're busy and focused.

*Tell me, what do you find amazing about him?
What does he find amazing about you?

It's good you want to try...but does he?
You both sound young to me, you aren't ready for marriage
and it maybe that you two aren't right for each other.
Courting/dating is about finding out if you really are compatible...
unless I'm missing something here, the two of you are moving in
different directions--nothing wrong with that but you should be
aware of it and of the possibility that you and him aren't going
to be walking together for much longer.

and i completely agree with that. i don't want to be one of those couples who puts everything into one another and then loses their identities, because i've been there before and so has he...
but i think we can try harder. i know we're both busy but i don't know what to do. i don't want the facade of a relationship when there's no real relationship underneath. and that's what i feel like right now.
he doesn't even want to do anything for valentine's day or spring break, and we've talked in the past about how valentine's day is stupid...
and it's not that he doesn't make sacrifices for me. he does.
but i just feel like we're not trying hard enough.

*Don't say things that you don't mean...You both talked about how stupid Valentine's Day is --I bet it is important...if he doesn't want to do anything with you during spring break...yep, he took your cue and figured spring break---no big deal.

Guys don't always like to show their "weak" points-- Valentine's a is special time for those who are in love to show a little more tenderness/love toward the one(s) they love.





so that's my dilemma. any advice? is it just that we're on the last leg of a dying relationship? even typing that i'm crying because i love him so much. is it just that i'm PMS-ing? because that's a pretty realistic possibility... haha

*Communication is key in any relationship...if you two are having troubling properly communicating then do talk to a counselor so
you two can learn to talk openly about your feelings/concerns etc.

 

[Brianlear]

I'm in a relationship like this except I am the guy. She will devote most of her time to other things, never talks about her feelings, about her world, her relationship with God, anything really. She definitely likes to *do* things with me though. I feel like she fills up her days with activities so that she can avoid actually sitting down, talking to me, and connecting in a loving way. Maybe she doesn't know how to do it? God has told me that she has a problem bringing other people into her relationship with God...difficulty in sharing that with other people, especially me. And that it isn't a problem with me, it is actually that she wasn't raised to do this. As a result she ends up appearing aloof and independent. God has told me that I am supposed to help her figure out how to connect with me but it's pretty hard. Is it possible that God might help you connect with your partner too? I would say take the question to God and see how he might help you guys.