Want2Believe

[12Livrite]

Hello, I'm somewhat in a jam about a few things - I'll try to be brief. My wife of 7 years (almost 8) and I have been having a lot of problems throughout our marriage. It seems for every good day there's 2 maybe 3 bad days (but who's counting). I love her with all my heart, and in recent years it's come to both our attention that I have had a temper issue (which I've had my whole life most likely)....however, I've only exhibited this anger (in words mostly). I realize words are VERY powerful. Anyway, I've sought help and currently I'm enrolled in a very good "anger management" program - I'm encouraged about my marriage and I want things to really get better (& stay better).

My dilemma is this: My wife (during what she called a very LOW point in our marriage) allowed a man (with potential interests) to come over to our home while I was away on business. She said they had dinner and small talk - she said that he showed her interest and that there was nothing beyond an "apprehensive" good night kiss involved...she finally broke down and told me this. I forgave her and we moved on.

Needless to say, our marriage still endured/endures its share of bumps, etc... Most recently while she was away out of town (overseas) - realize this trip immediately followed a brief separation of ours (in which she moved back into our home after staying with a relative for approximately a month). I have sincerely turned over a new leaf with regard to my viewing of our marriage, her as an individual and me as a husband, etc... Anyway, when she returned, I sprang some really heavy news on her that would call into question my faithfulness, morality, etc... It was after my confession of this info. (2-3 days later) that she broke down and confessed to me that she and a colleague fell asleep (after a long night of talking) in the same room, in addition to there being what one would call a "brush of a kiss - on the lips" earlier that evening (or sometime during her travel period).

Please note that I was wrong for what I did - I have asked God's forgiveness (I did do something that would allow her to divorce me with no negative spiritual consequences); but somehow, her interludes have been lost in everything....my indiscretions were history, as it relates to our marital state just prior to her leaving for her travels....now she's talking about her inability to reconcile for this "1" act of mine.

How should I feel - again, I've repented, asked forgiveness of her and GOD. I'm hurt about what I did - I'm hurt about what she did, but - it's not being given any importance or acknowledgement as questionable.

I love my wife and want my marriage - are we fooling ourselves, am I fooling myself - Can a couple get through this - what is she thinking. Is this fair?

:-(

 

[jwebhead]

Please excuse my ignorance...your "1" act was the anger?
If so yes that is big but it seems have repented and are getting the help you need,(praise God that you got help) but these situation of ...let's call it affection with other men your wife has done. Is she really sorry and if this is something that she is struggling with, the first thing in my humble opinion, and it may be huge and seem impossible, is no longer are there to be nights where the 2 of you are apart. Traveling for work seems to be the necessary these days but the bigger picture is your marriage and it needs to stay intact. I hope you see that. If it is absolutely unavoidable have a girlfriend of hers stay with her if you are away and if she must travel then see if others go and if it is just her and another male colleague then she needs to get another female to come and stay with her as well. Even have her whitle it down to a one day event if possible. Yes it may mean a long day but again look at the marriage.

Do not fool yourself into thinking all is lost. If she is repentful and wants to keep at it and you are repentful and want to keep at it...DO IT!!!!!!!

Also if she is so vulnerable take her out...romance her more...maybe she needs more TLC in this situation and is worried that it is only temporary in your doings. Show her how you have turned a new leaf. Be that new person that Christ has created in you. The more you compliment her, tell her she is beautiful, whatever, she may not beileve you at first but keep at it and the old saying is true. If you hear something enough, you will tend to believe it. Unfortunatly this is usually in referance to bad things, but it does work for good things too.

 

[sarah marie]

Hello, I'm somewhat in a jam about a few things - I'll try to be brief. My wife of 7 years (almost 8) and I have been having a lot of problems throughout our marriage. It seems for every good day there's 2 maybe 3 bad days (but who's counting). I love her with all my heart, and in recent years it's come to both our attention that I have had a temper issue (which I've had my whole life most likely)....however, I've only exhibited this anger (in words mostly). I realize words are VERY powerful. Anyway, I've sought help and currently I'm enrolled in a very good "anger management" program - I'm encouraged about my marriage and I want things to really get better (& stay better).

My dilemma is this: My wife (during what she called a very LOW point in our marriage) allowed a man (with potential interests) to come over to our home while I was away on business. She said they had dinner and small talk - she said that he showed her interest and that there was nothing beyond an "apprehensive" good night kiss involved...she finally broke down and told me this. I forgave her and we moved on.

Needless to say, our marriage still endured/endures its share of bumps, etc... Most recently while she was away out of town (overseas) - realize this trip immediately followed a brief separation of ours (in which she moved back into our home after staying with a relative for approximately a month). I have sincerely turned over a new leaf with regard to my viewing of our marriage, her as an individual and me as a husband, etc... Anyway, when she returned, I sprang some really heavy news on her that would call into question my faithfulness, morality, etc... It was after my confession of this info. (2-3 days later) that she broke down and confessed to me that she and a colleague fell asleep (after a long night of talking) in the same room, in addition to there being what one would call a "brush of a kiss - on the lips" earlier that evening (or sometime during her travel period).

Please note that I was wrong for what I did - I have asked God's forgiveness (I did do something that would allow her to divorce me with no negative spiritual consequences); but somehow, her interludes have been lost in everything....my indiscretions were history, as it relates to our marital state just prior to her leaving for her travels....now she's talking about her inability to reconcile for this "1" act of mine.

How should I feel - again, I've repented, asked forgiveness of her and GOD. I'm hurt about what I did - I'm hurt about what she did, but - it's not being given any importance or acknowledgement as questionable.

I love my wife and want my marriage - are we fooling ourselves, am I fooling myself - Can a couple get through this - what is she thinking. Is this fair?

:-(

Is it fair to go into detail about your wife's indiscretions and gloss over yours? Is it fair to put each of your indiscretions on a scale and weigh them to see which side is heavier and who's MORE wrong? Is it fair to forgive her and then keep count as leverage?

As your wife struggles with forgiving you, how much importance and acknowledgement do you want her to place on your indiscretions? If you continue to view her indiscretions as an assault on you, even after you have forgiven, why would you expect her to rise above that level?

What you are saying is that you only failed once and she failed more, therefore you are more deserving of forgiveness.

Here's a story that hopefully will illustrate this better:

There were two brothers: Mark and John. They had always been very close, but just like any close relationship, they had their ups and downs. One day, during one of these "down" times, Mark took the watch their father had given John from his desk and kept it. The watch was very special to John and he never wore it for fear of losing or damaging it. He never noticed it was missing. Later, their relationship faced more bad times than good. There were little disagreements and a few big arguments. There was even a time that they didn't see or speak to each other at all. Each began to question whether the other really cared. They both stuck it out. They were family, after all.

Then John confessed that he had taken some of Mark's tools from his garage. They weren't just any tools. They were passed down to Mark from their father. As a child, Mark had spent many hours helping their dad in his workshop. There were three different occasions. Each time he stole one tool. Not only had he stolen them, but he couldn't give them back. His garage had been broken into and the tools were gone. Mark said he forgave him, but he kept the hurt in his back pocket, just in case.

Their relationship resumed. Things were still a little shaky between them. Then, Mark confessed that he had taken John's watch and lost it, while on a fishing trip. He asked for their Father's forgiveness and had received it lovingly. Surely John would forgive him, too. John was overcome by the loss of his special gift from his Father. He couldn't let go of the thought that it was gone forever. John told Mark that he was struggling with whether or not he could forgive him. Mark played his card. He pulled his hurt out of his back pocket and showed it to John. John didn't look at it. At this point, Mark became indignant! "How can you even hesitate to forgive me! Look at what you did to me and YOU did it three times!"

Mark had completely forgotten how graciously his Father had forgiven him throughout his life. His Father didn't keep an account. He had wiped all of Mark's disobedience from his memory. Throughout the years Mark continually tested his Father's love. His Father's grace and mercy never failed to restore the relationship to it's fullness.

If you were friends with Mark and John, who would you rather receive forgiveness from? Would it be Mark, who will keep an account and forgive only as long as you look at his hurt to his satisfaction. Or would it be John, who may eventually forgive AND forget, wiping the slate clean? Even if it takes a little while, John may choose to follow his Father's example.

Marriage isn't about equity or fairness. Marriage is about our Father's love, mercy and grace flowing through us and onto our spouses. Our human sense of fairness says "I'll let the Father's love flow if you do, but you don't so why should I"? But our Father turns and says to us "Why are you refusing to let me show my love through you?" Our excuse is "Why should I if I'm not getting an equal amount in return?" God asks us "Is my love for you not sufficient? Let me attend to their heart. I have many ways, but one of the ways I desire to do it is through you and you refuse. Now, I want to talk to you about the state of your heart." We say "Before we do that I still want to talk about my spouses heart. Their behavior is hurting me and keeping me from loving him/her. If only you would get through to him/her, then I would be getting what I need and would be happy to do what you ask." Right there is where the conversation ends. God cannot use us.

 

[12Livrite]

I'm sorry,

I understand totally what you're saying. I'm not keeping count, or holding it over her head...I know I was wrong, I know I have hurt her deeply in the past. Historically in our relationship...I have always been the very "forgiving" type of spouse (maybe it's because I make so many screw-ups myself). Nevertheless, my wife's indiscretion in "our" home was my first/our first taste of what felt like infidelity to me - but, it was poured out in tears and apologies as....her being in a low place because of the way I treated or responded to her.

I forgave her (no questions asked....my heart hurts to ever see her in any type of pain). My unspoken response to her was to be there and nurture her. My wife is beautiful, I tell her all the time, I'm the first to whip out her picture at work, or in a circle of friends, I go out to buy myself a pair of shoes and end up shopping for her, I do dishes, wash/fold clothes, cook, etc...

I'm not perfect, but it seems I have a list somewhere (& just like Santa - it gets checked twice). I'm saddened NOW because, we're really in a tight spot - I couldn't be more remoarseful....my "hidden" sin was too much to bear - I sat her down and confessed to her what I had done - she of course was "out-done" (to say the least). However, 2-3 days later she came back to me and again poured out her repentant heart about another situation with her and some other man.

Now, I'm hurting for what I've done to her, remoarseful, and fully feeling like an unworthy mess - & not 10 seconds after she's poured her heart out to me about what she had done ("sorta" kissed and spent the evening in her hotel room (fully clothed) with another man (overseas) - does she start in to me with the "I can't believe you - how could you - I'm disgraced - I'm so sad - my life is over - how could you do this to me, etc....! (I don't know if I can come back from this - ETC....) - Those were all her words - I have forgiven her, and trust me this letter is much more sad and angry as I came off to her about her disclosure - I just don't know what to do - her focus is on counseling, but for the sole purpose of figuring out whether or not she should stay married to me - After what I HAVE DONE!

I'm hurt too - I'm also forgiven!

I want my marriage - I love my wife.

But, why am I the "bad-guy" - how do I communicate with her that we both need to pull on Jesus and rebuild our union - sex was NOT involved in her situation(s) - but in mine it was.

Am I not worthy of her hand in marriage anymore. - I came clean and consequences are definitely reality in situations like this - but, where's the love - I do feel very minimized.

But at the same time - I am telling my wife that she must take care of herself and do what's best - she has a choice (I know) - I guess I just wish there was love there that was saying - "OK - Let's get this thing together - we can (with the Lord's help) come back from ALL of this.

I want my marriage.

;-(

12Livrite = Want to Live Right

 

[jwebhead]

She is hurt and venting. Sex is a big thing and if she wants counseling then go. Try and seek out a Christian counselor through church or if not make your plea right away to the counselor you screwed up and love your wife and want this to work...
Pray and time. That is what you need. I will be praying for you.

 

[desi]

12, anger if used without violence is the best thing in your arsenal to save your marriage. Husbands are to treat their wives as Jesus treats the church. When God gets mad the church tends to grow in faith... Stop apologizing and start leading by example. Read the Bible where it talks about obligations of a husband and act, without undermining your authority by submitting to a 'professional' counselor. If counseling is inevitable go to a long time married Christian couple for help. I'll pray for your marriage.