I know this is really long-winded. I wrote it last night during my fasting. I hope it helps people. I struggle with temptation still, but I have hope. I place my temptation in God's hands now and it goes away. I call out to Jesus and he restores me.
This is my account of my salvation. It is explicit in some parts, as my life was quite explicit at times. It is the truth and bears the truth of God's promise of love and salvation, even to someone as unworthy as I am. I pray that you will read this with an open heart and and open mind.
I have always been a believer in the One True God - the Lord Jesus. I have always known what is right and what is wrong, though I chose to ignore the former, as most men and women do. There was always something deep down, however, that made me feel like I was an abomination in God's eyes. I don't know when or how it started and I don't know if it was inherent to my being or if it came into my life in my youth. I may never know. I do know, however, that all of that doesn't matter anymore, because through God's grace and mercy, I was pulled out of the pit of sin that I was wallowing in. I have only to look ahead, not behind, and now my heart is solid in the Word.
I was raised among four brothers in an off-and-on devout Christian family. My father was very knowledgable about God's Word and tried to pass that along to us, as well. At times, the household was a rather tyrannical one, but I suppose it was all for the best. The past is the past, though, and I have only to not repeat it. We lived in quite a few places in the United States, most likely due to the strings of the grandparents pulling from one coast to the other.
The "incident" occurred in Passaic, New Jersey, I believe. I was four years old and had my younger brother with me. We were allowed to play outside unsupervised and perhaps my parents were a little naive in thinking that the neighborhood was "safe". A stranger approached us as we were walking down the street. I don't remember too well what he looked like. He may have had glasses, and almost shoulder-length dirty-blonde hair. Perhaps he was wearing a white t-shirt and dark pants. I always place him as one of those dirty hippies from the era. He stopped us and exposed himself to us. He asked us if we liked it. He told us to expose ourselves. We did. We didn't know any better. He then made me participate in oral sex - I'm not sure about what my brother was forced to do at this point, if anything at all, and I pray that he wasn't. This all happened in broad daylight and on the street, mind you. What vileness! What filth! To do those things to a child... I have no control over his judgment, but if I did, he would be sitting next to Judas Iscariot.
Perhaps there was a seed planted. Perhaps it was already there. I became sexually active at a very early age - maybe six or seven - and it plagued my relationship with my Saviour. I remember crying and praying at night as a child. I would say, "God, forgive me, I won't do it again. What is wrong with me?"
But I had no idea just how deep the wrongness of it all was. I knew that I was attracted to men and that I had a dirty, dirty secret to be kept from the world. Throughout my youth and even into my high school years, I was tormented by my own mind, as well as at the hands of other youths. I was called "[bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]", "queer", "homo", "gay". I had no idea how these people knew. I tried my best to hide it. I wanted it to not be so. I tried to act as "not gay" as possible.
I really didn't have girlfriends in my life until I was an adult almost. I knew girls thought I was "cute" but they never approached me, nor I them. My first "girlfriend" was Dolly, at the age of eighteen. She was very pretty and fun to hang out with. I dated her a couple of times and we never even kissed. It was right before I joined the Navy and I had no intention of dragging her around with such a creep as me. My second "girlfriend" was Angie, at the age of twenty-one. She was a local from Saratoga Springs, New York, and I was in school in the Navy at Ballston Spa. She was very fun to be with and I had a great smile when she was around. I turned that into a pile of rubble, as I was leaving for submarine duty a couple of months later. My friends made fun of me about her, but I think she would have been a good woman. My next girlfriend was Leah. She was a club-goer in Providence, Rhode Island. She liked to do things like wear platinum-blonde wigs and stuff like that. She probably did drugs and was a little too romantic. She was also immature and liked to play mind games. That lasted a couple of months and that was my last girlfriend. That was 1998 and I was twenty-four.
Music played a good part in my life and I started listening to harsher, darker music, like Marilyn Manson. I had things to sing about that were not good. I sang about Marilyn Manson's hatred and Nine Inch Nail's hatred. I sang about how drugs, alcohol, smoking, sexual immorality, and violence were good.
I got out of the Navy at twenty-five years of age, in the Spring of 2000. I was hired by a large semiconductor corporation and I did a bit of travelling. I saw Massachusetts, California, and Oregon, as well as a small bit of New Mexico and Texas. During this time, the darkness in my life came to fruition. I started drinking heavily - sometimes more than two fifths in a weekend. Smoking was a habit at some points and it was getting steadily worse. I could quit smoking for a couple of months, but then I would start again. I also engaged in homosexual activity and a lot of my friends were gay. I allowed a man to come into my life that I shared my dirty secret with. He seemed to know ahead of time, like he was out looking for fresh meat. From there, it was one after another. Things were going downhill fast and I didn't care that my heart screamed out as it was seared with sin. I would think about my life and just cringe to the point of physical shuddering. All of the sin and emptiness was mounting. I would ask God every day to take me away from all of that and I feared for my salvation. I was going to hell.
I turned thirty in the summer of 2004 and I knew that I could not go on like I was. I made a placard that read "Strong, Sober, Straight, Smart" and I put it on my dresser so that I could see it when I went to bed and when I woke up. I intended it to be a reminder of my situation and the change that was needed in my life. It was something I invented and would not work in my salvation. One can not save one's own self - not in the spiritual sense.
I was still drinking and I informed my mother of my sexual immorality. I'm sure that she was heartbroken. I was crying when I told her and she was steady and calm. She gave me a lot of support and told me that God was still there for me and I had but to reach out for Him.
The next couple of weeks were filled with family turmoil at my grandfather's death. One of my aunts caused a lot of strife at the family gathering for the funeral and wake. She insulted my mother and father and caused my grandmother to be greatly distressed. She insisted that everything was my father's fault and that she was so wronged by him. The e-mails started flying back and forth and an internet drama unfolded. I suppose I took a rocket-launcher to that whole thing when I stepped in and blew up possibly the last chance for communication between my father and her. The things I said were so evil and so decimating. After I was done feeling good about myself and gloating over the smoldering corpse, I became spiritually ill, I suppose you would say.
I was greatly ashamed about my behavior and I began praying more intensely and reading the Bible daily. I started in the Old Testament, but soon found that what I needed was not there. I then started reading the Four Gospels: Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. They told me of the Christ, but I had known of Him before. This time, it was but by my searching and not someone telling me that it was so. I was looking for Jesus and He came and found me. Then, by the Holy Spirit, my heart was repaired - you see, God has no desire to live in a broken-down dirty house, so He fixed my heart so that He could live there. The filth in my life was put behind me and my soul was filled with joy. That day, I died. I could not live the life I was living any longer and I finally understood what people were talking about. Drinking didn't matter anymore. Smoking was a thing of the past - I had no desire to smoke at all. The darkness in my life was lifted and put behind me and I saw for the first time what real happiness was. I had no taste for the bile that my old music fed me and I turned to worship music. I bought Sonicflood and Newsboys and I began to sing about things that touched my heart - things that were wonderful and great and glorious. From then on, I sang of happiness all day long.
The truth and the only thing that matters to me now is that Jesus is my saviour. He did come down from heaven as God's only son and died on the cross for our sins. When I call out to Him, he hears me and he comforts me. He makes me whole and He breaks me of my sin. The God of Israel - my God - is great and glorious and by his mercy and grace, I was saved.
Lael
This is my account of my salvation. It is explicit in some parts, as my life was quite explicit at times. It is the truth and bears the truth of God's promise of love and salvation, even to someone as unworthy as I am. I pray that you will read this with an open heart and and open mind.
I have always been a believer in the One True God - the Lord Jesus. I have always known what is right and what is wrong, though I chose to ignore the former, as most men and women do. There was always something deep down, however, that made me feel like I was an abomination in God's eyes. I don't know when or how it started and I don't know if it was inherent to my being or if it came into my life in my youth. I may never know. I do know, however, that all of that doesn't matter anymore, because through God's grace and mercy, I was pulled out of the pit of sin that I was wallowing in. I have only to look ahead, not behind, and now my heart is solid in the Word.
I was raised among four brothers in an off-and-on devout Christian family. My father was very knowledgable about God's Word and tried to pass that along to us, as well. At times, the household was a rather tyrannical one, but I suppose it was all for the best. The past is the past, though, and I have only to not repeat it. We lived in quite a few places in the United States, most likely due to the strings of the grandparents pulling from one coast to the other.
The "incident" occurred in Passaic, New Jersey, I believe. I was four years old and had my younger brother with me. We were allowed to play outside unsupervised and perhaps my parents were a little naive in thinking that the neighborhood was "safe". A stranger approached us as we were walking down the street. I don't remember too well what he looked like. He may have had glasses, and almost shoulder-length dirty-blonde hair. Perhaps he was wearing a white t-shirt and dark pants. I always place him as one of those dirty hippies from the era. He stopped us and exposed himself to us. He asked us if we liked it. He told us to expose ourselves. We did. We didn't know any better. He then made me participate in oral sex - I'm not sure about what my brother was forced to do at this point, if anything at all, and I pray that he wasn't. This all happened in broad daylight and on the street, mind you. What vileness! What filth! To do those things to a child... I have no control over his judgment, but if I did, he would be sitting next to Judas Iscariot.
Perhaps there was a seed planted. Perhaps it was already there. I became sexually active at a very early age - maybe six or seven - and it plagued my relationship with my Saviour. I remember crying and praying at night as a child. I would say, "God, forgive me, I won't do it again. What is wrong with me?"
But I had no idea just how deep the wrongness of it all was. I knew that I was attracted to men and that I had a dirty, dirty secret to be kept from the world. Throughout my youth and even into my high school years, I was tormented by my own mind, as well as at the hands of other youths. I was called "[bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]", "queer", "homo", "gay". I had no idea how these people knew. I tried my best to hide it. I wanted it to not be so. I tried to act as "not gay" as possible.
I really didn't have girlfriends in my life until I was an adult almost. I knew girls thought I was "cute" but they never approached me, nor I them. My first "girlfriend" was Dolly, at the age of eighteen. She was very pretty and fun to hang out with. I dated her a couple of times and we never even kissed. It was right before I joined the Navy and I had no intention of dragging her around with such a creep as me. My second "girlfriend" was Angie, at the age of twenty-one. She was a local from Saratoga Springs, New York, and I was in school in the Navy at Ballston Spa. She was very fun to be with and I had a great smile when she was around. I turned that into a pile of rubble, as I was leaving for submarine duty a couple of months later. My friends made fun of me about her, but I think she would have been a good woman. My next girlfriend was Leah. She was a club-goer in Providence, Rhode Island. She liked to do things like wear platinum-blonde wigs and stuff like that. She probably did drugs and was a little too romantic. She was also immature and liked to play mind games. That lasted a couple of months and that was my last girlfriend. That was 1998 and I was twenty-four.
Music played a good part in my life and I started listening to harsher, darker music, like Marilyn Manson. I had things to sing about that were not good. I sang about Marilyn Manson's hatred and Nine Inch Nail's hatred. I sang about how drugs, alcohol, smoking, sexual immorality, and violence were good.
I got out of the Navy at twenty-five years of age, in the Spring of 2000. I was hired by a large semiconductor corporation and I did a bit of travelling. I saw Massachusetts, California, and Oregon, as well as a small bit of New Mexico and Texas. During this time, the darkness in my life came to fruition. I started drinking heavily - sometimes more than two fifths in a weekend. Smoking was a habit at some points and it was getting steadily worse. I could quit smoking for a couple of months, but then I would start again. I also engaged in homosexual activity and a lot of my friends were gay. I allowed a man to come into my life that I shared my dirty secret with. He seemed to know ahead of time, like he was out looking for fresh meat. From there, it was one after another. Things were going downhill fast and I didn't care that my heart screamed out as it was seared with sin. I would think about my life and just cringe to the point of physical shuddering. All of the sin and emptiness was mounting. I would ask God every day to take me away from all of that and I feared for my salvation. I was going to hell.
I turned thirty in the summer of 2004 and I knew that I could not go on like I was. I made a placard that read "Strong, Sober, Straight, Smart" and I put it on my dresser so that I could see it when I went to bed and when I woke up. I intended it to be a reminder of my situation and the change that was needed in my life. It was something I invented and would not work in my salvation. One can not save one's own self - not in the spiritual sense.
I was still drinking and I informed my mother of my sexual immorality. I'm sure that she was heartbroken. I was crying when I told her and she was steady and calm. She gave me a lot of support and told me that God was still there for me and I had but to reach out for Him.
The next couple of weeks were filled with family turmoil at my grandfather's death. One of my aunts caused a lot of strife at the family gathering for the funeral and wake. She insulted my mother and father and caused my grandmother to be greatly distressed. She insisted that everything was my father's fault and that she was so wronged by him. The e-mails started flying back and forth and an internet drama unfolded. I suppose I took a rocket-launcher to that whole thing when I stepped in and blew up possibly the last chance for communication between my father and her. The things I said were so evil and so decimating. After I was done feeling good about myself and gloating over the smoldering corpse, I became spiritually ill, I suppose you would say.
I was greatly ashamed about my behavior and I began praying more intensely and reading the Bible daily. I started in the Old Testament, but soon found that what I needed was not there. I then started reading the Four Gospels: Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. They told me of the Christ, but I had known of Him before. This time, it was but by my searching and not someone telling me that it was so. I was looking for Jesus and He came and found me. Then, by the Holy Spirit, my heart was repaired - you see, God has no desire to live in a broken-down dirty house, so He fixed my heart so that He could live there. The filth in my life was put behind me and my soul was filled with joy. That day, I died. I could not live the life I was living any longer and I finally understood what people were talking about. Drinking didn't matter anymore. Smoking was a thing of the past - I had no desire to smoke at all. The darkness in my life was lifted and put behind me and I saw for the first time what real happiness was. I had no taste for the bile that my old music fed me and I turned to worship music. I bought Sonicflood and Newsboys and I began to sing about things that touched my heart - things that were wonderful and great and glorious. From then on, I sang of happiness all day long.
The truth and the only thing that matters to me now is that Jesus is my saviour. He did come down from heaven as God's only son and died on the cross for our sins. When I call out to Him, he hears me and he comforts me. He makes me whole and He breaks me of my sin. The God of Israel - my God - is great and glorious and by his mercy and grace, I was saved.
Lael
