I don't really have anyone, to talk to.
My siblings come round when they need things, but turn on me viscously if I have any minor boundaries.
They have come and lived with me with their children,had me cook and clean for them, listen to them ,all the while tip toeing around because they will take offense at any little thing.
When they have not lived with me they have come alternatively one brother and his children three days at a time,the next one and his children 3 days then ending up with two brothers and their children at the same time.thier is cooking and cleaning etc. and no time for rest and trying to find time for my family.They will also take offense at any perceived wrongly worded something or expression.Cannot relax.
We had to hide our vehicles one time and turned out all lights one evening out while some of them knocked and kocked and tried to look in windows.They did not give up for a long time.One time we had to put up a sign saying we could not have over night guests for awhile.This was not to be mean.We absolutely needed some alone time and to relax for awhile.I was never very healthy but was working at that time as well.They were highly offended at this.No matter how nicely you try to explain things.I have done and done so much,way more than I could write.But they cannot accept that I need rest or down time,or time for my family.Anyways when ever I set some boundary or do not do something they think I should they can get filled with anger and hate.They turn and hate and hold grudges, and run me down .
I had a sister turn and hate me for not leaving my children with her when I had a serious break down a few years ago.I had unrelenting terror and went to try to get help.While she was on drugs and drinking all the time and I did not feel they would be safe and cared for.She turned against me and did not forgive me for over two years.She told people stories about me and burst into my home accusing me of horrible things despite the shape I was in.I tired to reach out to her inspite of this and inspite of the shape I was in and to no avail.
My dad seriously abused his children in multiple ways.However my mom only hated me,my dad named me after his girlfriend of the time.
So I got abused by both parents while the other children at least had mom care for them.
My mom taught the other children that I was no good.
She always told me I was bad,had imps controlling me etc and that God could see my heart.
This made me never trust myself or my motives.I could not understand .I would search and search my heart and try harder and harder not to make mistakes in my work and to move fast enough.I used to think one day my mom would understand me ,but it never happened.My mom even told me when I was pregnant with my first daughter that God could see my heart and she would have something wrong when born as a punishment.She is deaf.I know God did not do that,but still.
My sisters and brothers were drinking and drugging and smoking and arguing etc.I refused to drink,drug or smoke but I was the evil one.
I do smoke now,and feel awful about it and want to quit,but did not smoke then.I snuck a smoke or two when younger however.
She beat me all the time and I had to stand for hours while she and dad told me how bad I was and if I cried I got spanked more.
Anyway my siblings grew up with me always trying to please and having no rights .So even when I stuck up for my children as they grew ,especially one child,they could not handle not being able to control even that.However sometimes I had no choice but to defend and do right by my children, even if it meant being treated with hate.
I do not have anyone to go to with this.
I do not trust very well.
I have hurt inside that is deep.
Also no one would help me while I suffered that terror for over two years.
Instead I got contempt and despised.
I do have Jesus though and Jesus heals, and Jesus pulled me out of the terror thankfully.
I do think the constant terror and anguish for so long maybe was like a poison to my body though.I was never very healthy but now even more serious things are going on throughout my body.
As a child I got very little schooling as my parents travelled around Canada and the states and we worked in orchards or building homes rather than attend school,even with this slave labour I was not allowed to even have money for deodarent,or allowed to shower more than once a week with a four minute limit.Therefore I would find outside taps on the job sites and wash myself there in order to be clean.My older siblings got more school though than us younger ones.My dad would make people think I was retarded or mentally incompetent to attend school.Even though I could work somehow.I know though I worked in fear and on automatic pilot.I lived in a dream world,not really with it.How I learned to build or even read and write not sure.As I was not with the real world.A few times I saw things my sister was able to prove to me was not there.I guess it could appear by my demeanor that there was something wrong with me.I did not have much for social abilities,not being around anyone but the family and job sites and living in fear of making a mistake on the job or not moving fast enough.
As an adult I had much depression and wounded,nevertheless my siblings would come to me for help alot, and whether it be for advice and counselling and prayer and more.They always know I will be there.Even though they turned and hurt me.They come back as needed without ever being willing to discuss why they were so angry or anything before.
They think I should be oh so honored with there presense.
I have had times of feeling like I was dreaming and could not wake up,of being surreal,of foggy thinking,like walking but not really walking,of hearing but not really hearing.Like everything was not really there or people,s voices coming off the mountain from far away.Still I knew I had to make it.I taught myself alot.The real world made me learn fast.
After I left home I loved to read books.
My experience is that the people in my life want me to be a rock for them.
They are not thankful and have a great abilty to forget any help.
They themselves could not be bothered with me.
One sister and I have been close until I had the experience with terror,at the very beginning of it she turned in hatred and abandoned me,however I understand that she was going through seperation with her husband at the time and moved from smoking pot and heavy drinking to heavy drugs as well at the time.
We are now trying to heal our relationship, visiting and things.
I have a need to discuss what happened more than surface level but I do not think that will ever happen with her.
I am scared to post this, not sure.
Yet I am wondering ? Is it me?Am I totally mixed up?
What is wrong with me?
I will reach out to Jesus for healing.I know Jesus heals.
Is it wrong to look for other support as well or not?
Not sure about that.
My siblings come round when they need things, but turn on me viscously if I have any minor boundaries.
They have come and lived with me with their children,had me cook and clean for them, listen to them ,all the while tip toeing around because they will take offense at any little thing.
When they have not lived with me they have come alternatively one brother and his children three days at a time,the next one and his children 3 days then ending up with two brothers and their children at the same time.thier is cooking and cleaning etc. and no time for rest and trying to find time for my family.They will also take offense at any perceived wrongly worded something or expression.Cannot relax.
We had to hide our vehicles one time and turned out all lights one evening out while some of them knocked and kocked and tried to look in windows.They did not give up for a long time.One time we had to put up a sign saying we could not have over night guests for awhile.This was not to be mean.We absolutely needed some alone time and to relax for awhile.I was never very healthy but was working at that time as well.They were highly offended at this.No matter how nicely you try to explain things.I have done and done so much,way more than I could write.But they cannot accept that I need rest or down time,or time for my family.Anyways when ever I set some boundary or do not do something they think I should they can get filled with anger and hate.They turn and hate and hold grudges, and run me down .
I had a sister turn and hate me for not leaving my children with her when I had a serious break down a few years ago.I had unrelenting terror and went to try to get help.While she was on drugs and drinking all the time and I did not feel they would be safe and cared for.She turned against me and did not forgive me for over two years.She told people stories about me and burst into my home accusing me of horrible things despite the shape I was in.I tired to reach out to her inspite of this and inspite of the shape I was in and to no avail.
My dad seriously abused his children in multiple ways.However my mom only hated me,my dad named me after his girlfriend of the time.
So I got abused by both parents while the other children at least had mom care for them.
My mom taught the other children that I was no good.
She always told me I was bad,had imps controlling me etc and that God could see my heart.
This made me never trust myself or my motives.I could not understand .I would search and search my heart and try harder and harder not to make mistakes in my work and to move fast enough.I used to think one day my mom would understand me ,but it never happened.My mom even told me when I was pregnant with my first daughter that God could see my heart and she would have something wrong when born as a punishment.She is deaf.I know God did not do that,but still.
My sisters and brothers were drinking and drugging and smoking and arguing etc.I refused to drink,drug or smoke but I was the evil one.
I do smoke now,and feel awful about it and want to quit,but did not smoke then.I snuck a smoke or two when younger however.
She beat me all the time and I had to stand for hours while she and dad told me how bad I was and if I cried I got spanked more.
Anyway my siblings grew up with me always trying to please and having no rights .So even when I stuck up for my children as they grew ,especially one child,they could not handle not being able to control even that.However sometimes I had no choice but to defend and do right by my children, even if it meant being treated with hate.
I do not have anyone to go to with this.
I do not trust very well.
I have hurt inside that is deep.
Also no one would help me while I suffered that terror for over two years.
Instead I got contempt and despised.
I do have Jesus though and Jesus heals, and Jesus pulled me out of the terror thankfully.
I do think the constant terror and anguish for so long maybe was like a poison to my body though.I was never very healthy but now even more serious things are going on throughout my body.
As a child I got very little schooling as my parents travelled around Canada and the states and we worked in orchards or building homes rather than attend school,even with this slave labour I was not allowed to even have money for deodarent,or allowed to shower more than once a week with a four minute limit.Therefore I would find outside taps on the job sites and wash myself there in order to be clean.My older siblings got more school though than us younger ones.My dad would make people think I was retarded or mentally incompetent to attend school.Even though I could work somehow.I know though I worked in fear and on automatic pilot.I lived in a dream world,not really with it.How I learned to build or even read and write not sure.As I was not with the real world.A few times I saw things my sister was able to prove to me was not there.I guess it could appear by my demeanor that there was something wrong with me.I did not have much for social abilities,not being around anyone but the family and job sites and living in fear of making a mistake on the job or not moving fast enough.
As an adult I had much depression and wounded,nevertheless my siblings would come to me for help alot, and whether it be for advice and counselling and prayer and more.They always know I will be there.Even though they turned and hurt me.They come back as needed without ever being willing to discuss why they were so angry or anything before.
They think I should be oh so honored with there presense.
I have had times of feeling like I was dreaming and could not wake up,of being surreal,of foggy thinking,like walking but not really walking,of hearing but not really hearing.Like everything was not really there or people,s voices coming off the mountain from far away.Still I knew I had to make it.I taught myself alot.The real world made me learn fast.
After I left home I loved to read books.
My experience is that the people in my life want me to be a rock for them.
They are not thankful and have a great abilty to forget any help.
They themselves could not be bothered with me.
One sister and I have been close until I had the experience with terror,at the very beginning of it she turned in hatred and abandoned me,however I understand that she was going through seperation with her husband at the time and moved from smoking pot and heavy drinking to heavy drugs as well at the time.
We are now trying to heal our relationship, visiting and things.
I have a need to discuss what happened more than surface level but I do not think that will ever happen with her.
I am scared to post this, not sure.
Yet I am wondering ? Is it me?Am I totally mixed up?
What is wrong with me?
I will reach out to Jesus for healing.I know Jesus heals.
Is it wrong to look for other support as well or not?
Not sure about that.
I am so glad you have found Jesus, because I don't know how you could have endured such pain with out Him. And I am so glad you are here sister talking about it. Tears came to my eyes reading the abuse you have gone through. I am in recovery for addiction and I would like to share a few things that have helped me.
Madison/Trish! 
