Very Lonely.

[LilyBelle]

I am writing his late at night because I can't sleep and all I've been doing is crying. Husband is asleep in the other room.

So I am a middle school teacher and my husband is working full time along with getting his master's at seminary.

I just started my new job as an 8th grade English teacher and I have been so exhausted. I can hardly keep up with the house plus cook dinner. Husband has to leave work in order to pick me up since we only have one car. Depending on his work day, he will either take me home or I will wait at our local library until he gets out of work. When I'm there, I can't get any house work done. I feel so tired and overwhelmed. When we got married, husband wanted to make sure we share the work load and we take turns cooking. In the beginning It was like that, but now I find myself doing all the housework. I feel like all the stress and tiredness at work is making me more susceptible to panic/anxiety attacks. I've been getting sick more often lately. I am so worn out. I barely get to spend time with my husband. He works all day then has to leave for night classes. I am often lonely. All our college friends have moved on and moved away. We don't have a young couples group at church so we feel a bit out of place. We do have each other, but since quality time is my love language and I haven't felt like we've had quality time for weeks, I am starting to feel empty.

Then today we had a blow out. It started last night. Husband asked me to throw something away and I joked (poor taste I know) "sure since I already do everything." Husband made a face and said, "well you know I am very tired." I said, "I am too! But I still cook and clean. If you helped more around the house, that would be great." Then he stopped talking to me. This morning I was feeling very sick and dizzy. This stressed him out since we missed church. While I was sleeping he began to clean the house in a tirade. Throwing clothes around and slamming doors. I got up to help him but he pushed me away and said, sarcastically, no you do too much already. I was so broken!!! I couldn't understand why he would be so angry at me for asking him to help more around the house. I am so exhausted. I feel unloved. I can't even sleep because my anxiety is pushing me over the edge. Why does it have to be like this? I don't want to go near him. All day we barely talked and I've been hoping for an apology but nothing. He doesn't even care if I am crying or if I isolate myself, or that I feel sick. I remember when he use to go out of his way to make sure I felt better, the same way I would for him.

 

[Anguspure]

Sending a prayer for you @LilyBelle.
May the Lord Bless you and keep you
May the Lord Smile at you and be merciful to you.
May the Lord look up at you and make everything alright.
Shalom shabat sister.

 

[mark kennedy]

It sounds like you both have gotten burnt out. It's better to have an argument then to say nothing but it really seems to me you two need to talk. Men secretly think they can fix anything, tell him you have a problem, that your burnt out and depressed and then just sit there and wait. Deep down his ego is going to tell him he is tough, he can take the hardship, he is as burnt out as you are but there is no discouraging the male ego. Ask him what he thinks you should do to feel better, ask him how he deals with it. I know it's kind of difficult to fathom but trust me, if you tell him there's a problem in practical terms he is going to try to fix it. It's kind of what guys do. It's probably not going to fix anything but at least you will be talking instead of waiting for the next blow up.

Grace and peace,
Mark

 

[LinkH]

My wife and I had a small business when I was in grad school. From that, and some other experiences, I can relate to some of the stress you must feel.

The solution that comes to mind is 'Get a maid', but that's expensive. If he's making decent money, having someone come in and clean a couple of times a week might be a solution. A combination of eating take-away and easy food like sandwiches might relieve some of your burden. Some grocery stores well pre-made food that can be a little cheaper than going to a restaurant.

He probably didn't care much for your comment because he was so exhausted with school and work, and you are just going to work, so why can't you take care of the housework? Maybe he doesn't realize how hard teaching middle school, especially as a new job, can be. When he cools down, you two can apologize to each other. I find it helpful to spend time together praying, asking the Lord for help to humble ourselves and confess our sins to one another and to Him, and then proceed with an attitude of humility, talk and pray it out.

After you have done that and all is forgiven, in a very calm manner, explain that you are overwhelmed and describe your schedule. You can tell him first you aren't telling him this to blame you, but to explain the problem so you can come up with a solution together. Then discuss ways of dividing up the housework or getting outside help. Is there a service in your city for actually washing...not dry cleaning.. laundry? If money is not tight, there may be a lot of options. If it is, then your solution will involve dividing up housework and possibly some scheduling.

As for loneliness, would you even have time to hang out with friends?

As far as loneliness is concerned, I found when I spent late hours at grad school or when I do at work, my wife can get conversation-starved after a while. But when I've been working a lot, sometimes I just want to veg out and not have an in-depth or intense conversation. If the conversation deals with 'what's wrong in life' that's stressful to me. So my need to not hear the stuff she wants to talk about and her need to talk about it conflict. We both have to be sensitive to each other. I try to listen. She needs to know I've got my limits, one of which is not talking too much too late at night.

Sometimes, I'll stay up late and have a talk with her (or she'll talk a lot) when honestly part of me would much rather be doing something else. I heard on the radio that there was some research that showed the speech centers of a woman's brain are wired to the pleasure centers in a way that men's brains are not. That seems to make sense to me.

This is something to keep in mind if he's really, really tired, and you want to talk. Listening can take some mental energy. If you can keep the conversation as pleasant as possible, it may feel less exhausting to him. If you can feel connected through physical connection, it might be better to hug, hold hands, etc. rather than talk, if that is overwhelming to him. What constitutes 'quality time' is different for different people.

 

[Spiritlight]

I am writing his late at night because I can't sleep and all I've been doing is crying. Husband is asleep in the other room.

So I am a middle school teacher and my husband is working full time along with getting his master's at seminary.

I just started my new job as an 8th grade English teacher and I have been so exhausted. I can hardly keep up with the house plus cook dinner. Husband has to leave work in order to pick me up since we only have one car. Depending on his work day, he will either take me home or I will wait at our local library until he gets out of work. When I'm there, I can't get any house work done. I feel so tired and overwhelmed. When we got married, husband wanted to make sure we share the work load and we take turns cooking. In the beginning It was like that, but now I find myself doing all the housework. I feel like all the stress and tiredness at work is making me more susceptible to panic/anxiety attacks. I've been getting sick more often lately. I am so worn out. I barely get to spend time with my husband. He works all day then has to leave for night classes. I am often lonely. All our college friends have moved on and moved away. We don't have a young couples group at church so we feel a bit out of place. We do have each other, but since quality time is my love language and I haven't felt like we've had quality time for weeks, I am starting to feel empty.

Then today we had a blow out. It started last night. Husband asked me to throw something away and I joked (poor taste I know) "sure since I already do everything." Husband made a face and said, "well you know I am very tired." I said, "I am too! But I still cook and clean. If you helped more around the house, that would be great." Then he stopped talking to me. This morning I was feeling very sick and dizzy. This stressed him out since we missed church. While I was sleeping he began to clean the house in a tirade. Throwing clothes around and slamming doors. I got up to help him but he pushed me away and said, sarcastically, no you do too much already. I was so broken!!! I couldn't understand why he would be so angry at me for asking him to help more around the house. I am so exhausted. I feel unloved. I can't even sleep because my anxiety is pushing me over the edge. Why does it have to be like this? I don't want to go near him. All day we barely talked and I've been hoping for an apology but nothing. He doesn't even care if I am crying or if I isolate myself, or that I feel sick. I remember when he use to go out of his way to make sure I felt better, the same way I would for him.

Since you're both working why don't you get a house cleaner once a week and use a dishwasher (if you don't already) so your not wasting time doing jobs when your tired.

A clean house is great to have but a happy relationship comes first. It sounds like he is under some pressure too to snap like that. When it smooths over maybe make him brekky in bed. It's amazing how much you want to please someone when you feel appreciated.

From your description the tirdeness can be from stress, it's really important to eat well and balance your nutrient intake, go for a walk for exercise with sunlight on you for vitamin D to help deal with it.

Just an observation using social media in times of partner absence and loneliness was helpful but Facebook puts me in a negative mood so I try to do other things.

 

[akmom]

I am so sorry to hear this. I can imagine how frustrating it would be to sit and wait at the library for a ride, unable to get anything done, and then be inundated with tasks to finish once you finally get home. By that time, you're just ready to relax and spend time with your spouse. Is there any way around the ride situation? Is there public transportation, or a fellow staff member that drives your way that you can carpool with? Have you looked on Craigslist for ride sharing arrangements or priced Uber? Is it a bike-friendly route? Arranging transportation every day isn't worth the bother, in my experience (I too would rather wait at the library for the ride I know I'll have), but you might find a long term arrangement that does work. Is getting a second vehicle in the cards?

It really sucks when our expressions of frustration are met with hostility. The arrangement you have is obviously not working well for you, and having your husband begrudgingly and coldly hammer out a few tasks is not the solution you needed. Days when communication goes south like that are hard. But they pass. He will cool off and you can have another chance to express yourself. To say, "This arrangement is making it really hard for me to get things done," rather than "I'd like you to start doing all the chores now." You have a million things to do once you get home, and that happens to be when you have the one window of opportunity to socialize as a couple. So you feel that tiny window is wasted when you are stuck catching up on chores. Naturally you think it would go faster if he helped, and also be time you're spending together. But he took it as you want him to do all the chores while you... do whatever. Definitely not what you meant. This misunderstanding feels really familiar to me. I hope you find peace tonight, and have better luck with this discussion next time, now that you know how he is prone to take it.

 

[mina]

I'm so sorry! I accepted a teaching job after my husband and I got married and we NEVER saw one another. It was very hard. His job schedule was all over the place, but he was sometimes at home while I was at work and then at work when I came home. Teaching is exhausting! I was teaching at a private school and in addition to the regular day we were encouraged to stay late and sponsor afterschool activities and tutoring. I had a long workday and wasn't really being compensated fairly for the hours I worked. THEN, I got pregnant and when I was at home I was too tired to do anything! We found ourselves in a similar situation with the cleaning. We did hire a cleaning lady for a short time a few days a week and it was helpful! She just did light cleaning. You can find someone for reasonable rates. It was one less thing to think about. Sometimes I feel like we have to even just let things go and spend the time we have with each other. Do the important cleaning and if something didn't get picked up then it just didn't that day. We had a list with about one or two chores that we each contributed that we felt MUST be done everyday (ex: taking care of dishes in the sink, putting away clothes each day, taking out trash, etc...) then we each took one or two tasks to do that day and we would switch it up each week. If something on the list didn't get done, it just didn't and no fair getting mad about it. Ask the cleaning lady to do it or it just went undone or we did it on Sat. afternoon when we were both home.

 

[LinkH]

When I first started my MBA program, my wife was pregnant. She gave birth during my Data Analysis final, and I had to reschedule.

My schedule was packed. The program was very much 'front end loaded' with extra credit hours and this annoying weekend leadership development program where we could go listen to talks on a variety of topics, including how bad it was not to get enough sleep, when we could have been sleeping at home on Saturday morning. I'd stay up until 12 or 1 studying after coming home late a lot of nights.

When we first moved in to the campus apartment, dishes were a big issue. I didn't have time to do dishes, and she was pregnant, so I wanted to help. I could see this would be a problem. I wasn't working so money was an issue, too.

There was a lot of furniture around dumpsters which people left out of the dumpster, I suppose, so other students could take it. I prayed for a portable dishwasher. Then I went to look for it. There was one on a second floor apartment outside of the apartment with a bunch of furniture. I found out a family had abandoned it without taking it down to the dumpster.

I asked the building management and they said I could have it. So took a piece of cardboard, slid that thing down the stairs, and rolled it home. I got to the endge of the paved area about 10 or 15 feet from the little back patio and prayed for some help getting it there. A man walked by and asked if I needed help carrying it. I said yes and we carried that thing over to my apartment. I just had to buy a little adapter to make it fit the sink. The kitchen was small, but we could roll it out of the way when we didn't need it. It sure made doing dishes a whole lot easier.

God sure was good to answer my prayer and provide what I needed when I lacked resources. He cares about these sorts of things. I'd encourage you to also pray and believe God to take care of your needs. If you need a housekeeper, dishwasher, reliable affordable food, or whatever it is to get through this time, I believe God can provide for you. Let your requests be made known unto God.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

I find often times the working spouse truly doesn't understand the non-working spouse. They don't see what the spouse does at home as work. Despite the fact spouse cleans, cooks, pays the bills, does paperwork...etc. I seen a story not long ago about if you were to pay a spouse for all the work they do at home. The cost of them would be MORE then what most americans make working. Think about it. The at home spouse is basically the cook, cleaner, secretary, planner, child care...etc.

I sometimes feel like my wife doesn't always understand the work I do at home. I joke I am her slave and she doesn't really like that joke, but now she understands better just all that I do at home. Thankfully since we are living with my parents for now my work load isn't as bad since my mother does things too. But when we are on our own I think I will be burnt out easier. On very rare occasions when I gert burnt out as it is I get grumpy with my wife. And we have a quick argument. Then we quickly make up.

I'd find some time (which may seem hard right now) to talk to another couple. Or better yet a pastor and his wife with you and your husband. Have them talk about the hard roles either spouse has. Once a spouse realizes just how hard being at home is, they tend to understand better. If your husband ever has time off from seminary, maybe you should switch roles for a few days. You go out during the day or do whatever. Have him do all that you do. He will see how tiring it will be and get a better understanding.

I'd also make sure you guys find time for romance (not that I know how thats going of course between you two). Maybe just have a night out and catch a movie and meal. Go on "Dates". Its what me and my wife do. It reminds us of the spark from when we met. Granted our flame hasn't really gone out at all.

And of course pray, pray and pray.

 

[Gwen-is-new!]

I'd try to see the library time as a blessing! Use it for prayer, meditation, or just time in God's word. Maybe lower your standards as far as keeping the house clean? Thank him for trying to help even if his attitude didn't seem right, forgive his sarcasm etc. because the last thing you need is bitterness, discontentment, or discouragement creeping into your marriage now, sucking your strength, peace, and joy out.

I am guessing you are young and maybe newly married? I'll be praying your endure and ENJOY this season of your marriage together. Keep your eyes on Christ, He will sustain you!

 

[LilyBelle]

Thank you all, your replies have been very reassuring.

A lot of you suggested a house cleaner. That would be great if we weren't so tight on money! No, for now, we just have to maintain it, even if it means letting the house go so we can relax... which is something we haven't don't all week

I still greatly disheartened. I saw my husband just 15 minutes ago since after he dropped me off. He said goodbye and that was it. He left to do laundry and go to class, which gets out at 9:00.

We still haven't talked and still haven't amended things. I feel completely empty and broken. I wish he could see how much I am hurting, though I know he is hurting too. I desperately want to talk to him but I don't even know where to begin. I feel like if I try tonight we will both be too tired to try to listen to each other. I don't want to argue since we're already in a very bad spot. We haven't laughed together or had a proper conversation since Friday night. Tonight, what should I do? Should I apologize first and talk to him how I feel? Should I wait for him to make the first move? I just want us to be a couple again, you know? I miss us.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

Well someone has to be the "bigger person" and apologize. No matter if you are right or wrong. This way the conversation can begin about how you feel and how he feels. Be honest but not brutal. Get that spark going again and help him see it from your side and assure him you also understand it from his side. Come to a happy middle place.

 

[LinkH]

You could say, "I know it's late. I don't want to argue or rehash everything. I just wanted to apologize for my part in the argument. I'm sorry I said X about you."

 

[Dave-W]

They don't see what the spouse does at home as work. Despite the fact spouse cleans, cooks, pays the bills, does paperwork...etc.

Some of them. My BIL worked as a welder, and he did much of the cleaning, paid all the bills, etc. When their kids were old enough, they did the cooking and cleaning. She supposedly "home schooled" them which meant they made her lunch and kept her drink filled while she watched TV all day.