very depressed --may upset trigger

[dizzydoll]

I disclosed my past of being abused and I regret it because now I fear my children will suffer. People may be thinking I'm an abuser because what happened to me. They may as well rape me all over again. Why should my children suffer because of me and why did I open my big mouth? Broken in a milliioin pieces just when I have started to feel better I'm not a monster! My kids are good kids

 

[nowhereville]

Typically any one with the "power" to take your kids realize that people who have been absused (women anyway) typically do not offend others.

I know it seems really overwhelming right now, but it will get better the more time you get under your belt from the time of your disclosure.

That is some tough stuff.

 

[dizzydoll]

Typically any one with the "power" to take your kids realize that people who have been absused (women anyway) typically do not offend others.

I know it seems really overwhelming right now, but it will get better the more time you get under your belt from the time of your disclosure.

That is some tough stuff.

no one is threatening me it just that they have been ostrasized due to wrong assumptions about abuse victums. I don't want to see my kids have thier feelings hurt because of somthing that happened to me.

 

[nowhereville]

Maybe it would be easier if you provided more details?

it's hard to tell what you mean exactly - I "get" the feeling part - but not sure I understand the circumstances you are referring to.

 

[MrsSeptemberPenguin]

*hugs*

 

[dizzydoll]

Maybe it would be easier if you provided more details?

it's hard to tell what you mean exactly - I "get" the feeling part - but not sure I understand the circumstances you are referring to.

I opened up because Id recently been through some trauma as a result of being molested when I was a chlild, actually raped. For once, I did not want to be ashamed. The need to look at things in a lodgical way without all the junk that comes with it , the need to be accepted not labled. Anyway, I fear reprecussions against my children from the stigma that is forced on you due to ignorance. In otherwords people believe that if a person was molested then thats what they become, a MONSTER. Who knows why I shared this. You become defined by what happened to you and not seen as who you are. Can't say what I expected really. It just bottled up in me and I wanted to scream! Couldn't take it anymore. When I was that little girl I wanted to scream but I knew that I would not be heard. Foolish thing for me to to do. I will be avoided like the plague. My children will be outcasts because now I'll be labled "damaged" "white trash" , scuz, perverse, liar, attention seeker the same lables my own relatives gave me. All of my emotions have been stuffed way down deep until I was numb. You know that awful feeling you get when somthing paiful has been deadened and the feeling comes back? Such as when a wisdom tooth is pulled? The kids will be treated like perverts. The person who did this to me died almost 4 years ago. I forgave him even took care of him. He never apologized. At the time of his death he had the mind of a child due to a brain damage. IN the nursing home he himself was abused. Some would say this is poetic justice. It saddens me.

 

[nowhereville]

I have been dealing with very simliar things - not exactly - one of my closest friends daughter was raped/molested from the age of four days until about she was five. I was walking alongside my friend and lo and behold BLAM issues - bad issues huge issues, issues I didn't even know that I had anymore (mondo therapy here, drug rehab, the whole nine yards) I thought I was "better" but God wasn't finished with me yet. It wasn't until now that I was ready.

maybe like me - you are ready to deal with this? It feels terrible I know - like you are being sucked back into that "bad place" but you are safe now from your abuser. You can do this. And I say that only because I am such a spazz - if I can do this - trust and believe ANYONE can do this WITH God.


I don't mean little spazz either - I had to meet with my pastor behind suicidal thinking ("normal" for me) and I had to turn over a purchase I made and planned to use. It was humilating - but I am so much better now it's amazing.

Dealing with this logically I am afraid, will not really work so much. We "make" it work - but there comes a time to find a safe place and scream and cry if we want to - it can be alone - or during floor time at church (just make sure you have tissues as I did that and had none, it was really gross)

Logic is what we "do" - feelings are what we "need".

I'm so sorry this has happened to you - truly I am.

I waited on God for twenty years to heal me and I got really hacked off at him for not doing something - anything - but what I've gotten in the last four weeks, while VERY difficult has been worth the effort - well worth the effort - more then words can say.

Can you keep posting and venting? Maybe it will help and I would be happy to listen.

 

[bubblefish]

You are not a monster - just because you were hurt in your past does not make you a bad person, and definitely does not make your kids bad!

I am sorry you are going through this. I know what it feels like for people to look down on you or label you because of your past and I wish there was something I could say or do to help, but the only thing I can say is what they are telling you is not always true.

Please keep posting here if you feel comfortable *hug* There are some wonderful people here who won't judge you as most of us have been in similar situations, but we are happy to listen and talk if needed.

 

[dizzydoll]

You are not a monster - just because you were hurt in your past does not make you a bad person, and definitely does not make your kids bad!

I am sorry you are going through this. I know what it feels like for people to look down on you or label you because of your past and I wish there was something I could say or do to help, but the only thing I can say is what they are telling you is not always true.

Please keep posting here if you feel comfortable *hug* There are some wonderful people here who won't judge you as most of us have been in similar situations, but we are happy to listen and talk if needed.

thanks, I'll be ok I hope I didn't selfishly upset anyone.

 

[dizzydoll]

I have been dealing with very simliar things - not exactly - one of my closest friends daughter was raped/molested from the age of four days until about she was five. I was walking alongside my friend and lo and behold BLAM issues - bad issues huge issues, issues I didn't even know that I had anymore (mondo therapy here, drug rehab, the whole nine yards) I thought I was "better" but God wasn't finished with me yet. It wasn't until now that I was ready.

maybe like me - you are ready to deal with this? It feels terrible I know - like you are being sucked back into that "bad place" but you are safe now from your abuser. You can do this. And I say that only because I am such a spazz - if I can do this - trust and believe ANYONE can do this WITH God.


I don't mean little spazz either - I had to meet with my pastor behind suicidal thinking ("normal" for me) and I had to turn over a purchase I made and planned to use. It was humilating - but I am so much better now it's amazing.

Dealing with this logically I am afraid, will not really work so much. We "make" it work - but there comes a time to find a safe place and scream and cry if we want to - it can be alone - or during floor time at church (just make sure you have tissues as I did that and had none, it was really gross)

Logic is what we "do" - feelings are what we "need".

I'm so sorry this has happened to you - truly I am.

I waited on God for twenty years to heal me and I got really hacked off at him for not doing something - anything - but what I've gotten in the last four weeks, while VERY difficult has been worth the effort - well worth the effort - more then words can say.

Can you keep posting and venting? Maybe it will help and I would be happy to listen.

Thank you so much. I love your sense of humor. Sometimes its the one thing that will get me through it. When youve been dealing with things for such a long time but havn't really told anyone its hard. Esepcailly, when I put up this false me. Other Christians will judge you because they see you are not walking victoriously. People can tell when your not feeling joyfull even when you think youve mastred hiding it. I've been acused of being a down in the mouth person. As you know emotional stress takes it s toll physically. It shows around your eyes etc. I'm not a "needy" person yet people automatically assume I will be. Ive been told baisically to get happy and get with the program, that I'm a bad example for others because I'm not walking this facade everyone seems to expect of me. Guess I simply couldn't keep it up. From what Ive seen finding supportive pastors are rare. What a gift your leader must be. Ive watched others from a distace enough to know not to go there. I had confided in the pastor's wife but regretted it. I'm sure the gossip mill along with the tendancy for people in general to judge what they see and jump to conclusions without bothering to get the facts isn't helping my situation. I believe she has misjudged me. Ive noticed that he now seems to look down on me. He didn't like me anyway. Who cares. MY bad, I assumed that because of the way she interacted with people that she would be most understanding. Churches also fear lawsuits. You have heard about various scandles in the news about child sexual abuse. Now people are on a witch hunt. Sadly, I think alot of innocent people get hurt and the monsters still get away with it because if we can scapgoat someone then we don't have to deal with things. With this in my past no one will trust me. Here are my fears. No one has said anything. They won't care about the fact that most victums do not turn into monsters. They will assume I'm needy and dont want to risk spending time with me. They won't consider that the data from statistical studies comes from the mouths of manipulators. They won't see me the same way as they did before. They will not see me as God sees me. They will not trust me. I can't be a servant in the church I attend. People will tend to keep thier children from associating with mine. The reality is that mostly my children are left out anyway for various reasons. My middle child does not make friends easily and in her age group there is a terrible click that chooses carefully who they accept. I know that this is part of growing up however it is hard to see her be the girl left out. Another reality is people can rarely walk what they "preach". IF they beleived what they promoted empty words would not be necessary. Thinking about other peoples struggles forces them to see things or deal with things in thier own lives that they would rather not face. Being open often makes others uncomfortable. One good thing is you get a true insight into people by how they react. The truth can be hurtful but at least I won't be wasting precious time an energy investing my life in unworthy people. I'll also know how to pray for them. Very likely I will be isolated , "ousted out of the acceptable crowd". Polyester people bore me anyway.

 

[nowhereville]

Thank you so much. I love your sense of humor.

You're welcome - it too works for me - I frequently (especially of late) make mental lists of what hasn't happened to me lately - like being eaten by an animal - then I have something to be thankful for no matter how twisted it seems.

When youve been dealing with things for such a long time but havn't really told anyone its hard. Esepcailly, when I put up this false me.

Yes, you are correct - it is very difficult and there's a fine line (I think) between talking about it randomly to anyone and finding someone you can trust to share it with. Ask God to send you someone you can talk to - in person - writing is good, but it keeps you disconnected from your feelings

The false me is not much fun - I know. But if you can talk about it and apply God's word to it - you can get better and be who you were born and destined to be.

Other Christians will judge you because they see you are not walking victoriously. People can tell when your not feeling joyfull even when you think youve mastred hiding it. I've been acused of being a down in the mouth person. As you know emotional stress takes it s toll physically. It shows around your eyes etc. I'm not a "needy" person yet people automatically assume I will be. Ive been told baisically to get happy and get with the program, that I'm a bad example for others because I'm not walking this facade everyone seems to expect of me. Guess I simply couldn't keep it up.

Okay this is a little more complicated - "they" don't really know what you've been through actually so how can they know? You can't really hold that against them and it's okay to say you know what, I am dealing with issues you are not aware of and while I appreciate your concern, I am not going to pretend that everything is okay right now".

The flip side of this issue - as a believer you represent the epitomy of what no one wants to face. There is a thin sheer curtain between truth and reality that most people don't want to face (well some people). The truth is that children are raped and/or killed, people go missing, bad things period happen - Christian or not. People want to believe that they are secure and safe, not subject to the reality of the world and what potentially can happen. And then if you get your victory over this? Well that's almost worse sometimes because it's so convicting for others to be around you.

There are (in my opinion, others may disagree) there are tremendous blessings behind this. I can see the hand of God on my life from day one clearly DESPITE my circumstances. Because I did not "learn" social niceities I don't have to play those games. I consider myself highly blessed in ways that are just incredible to me.

From what Ive seen finding supportive pastors are rare. What a gift your leader must be.

I have had the extreme good fortune to be spared church "junk" - but I think God knows I would have run away and never looked back. I went to one church for ten years under an equally awesome pastor. This one is beyond words - I can say the most mixed up thing about what I feel about something and it is awesome that he can understand it the first time I say it and then explain it back to me differently so I understand it.

I urge you to pray about where god would desire you to go to church. you are under no obligation to stay where God doesn't want you to be.

I had confided in the pastor's wife but regretted it. I'm sure the gossip mill along with the tendancy for people in general to judge what they see and jump to conclusions without bothering to get the facts isn't helping my situation. I believe she has misjudged me. Ive noticed that he now seems to look down on me. He didn't like me anyway. Who cares. MY bad, I assumed that because of the way she interacted with people that she would be most understanding.

I don't know you or her, but this really could be you being stressed out behind the fact that you told. I say this only because I have simliar issues (not exactly the same) with my pastor's wife who sits in our meetings but does not speak.

I can not read her so I do not know how to act around her which unnerves me very much. Then I think she hates me. I saw her in the grocery store (I saw her back but she didn't see me) and I about (shocking to me even) jumped out of my skin and literally ran the other way so I wouldn't have to talk to her. I have not offended her or anything so I know it's not true that she doesn't like me. She knows my secrets and I am so NOT cool with that. I share this with you only to give you food for thought. I'm not there in real life and I am not judging you - just saying - it could be that. I didn't even know I felt that way until that happened to me and then I told her in person later and apologized.

Churches also fear lawsuits. You have heard about various scandles in the news about child sexual abuse. Now people are on a witch hunt. Sadly, I think alot of innocent people get hurt and the monsters still get away with it because if we can scapgoat someone then we don't have to deal with things.

But in a way the church SHOULD be about protecting their members and their children. Pedophiles and sociopaths are absolutely pure evil. Witch hunt? No, but due diligence YES (and even that is a joke because if they have never been caught or it was in a different state) the results will come up clean.

With this in my past no one will trust me. Here are my fears. No one has said anything. They won't care about the fact that most victums do not turn into monsters.

I would make a point to discuss this with your headship if you feel this is what they are doing. Your side should be heard.

They will assume I'm needy and dont want to risk spending time with me. They won't consider that the data from statistical studies comes from the mouths of manipulators.

Anyone that will do this is not worth worrying about. I don't mean to sound harsh - when I was a new christian like THREE times I worked up the nerve to ask who I thought were Godly women to disciple me. All three said I will pray about it and never got back to me. It was devestating actually. I mean I literally shock while I was asking and then to be rejected?

Wait here's the good part.

You know what happened? I said forget them - I am going to get this God thing or die trying and that is precisely what I did. When I have to stand on my faith alone, I can say It is written and not, Well mary said. No I got mine from God alone.

We're about to get a little touchy - bear with.

They will not see me as God sees me.

I don't think WE see ourselves as God sees us. This is what I am working on right now actually. (do a search on any search engine for "who I am in God"). If you saw yourself (and me too!) the way that God did - you would NOT care (neither would I) what anyone on earth thinks because you would be strong and secure in exactly who you (we) are in Christ.

Another reality is people can rarely walk what they "preach". IF they beleived what they promoted empty words would not be necessary. Thinking about other peoples struggles forces them to see things or deal with things in thier own lives that they would rather not face. Being open often makes others uncomfortable.

Exactly (see above)

One good thing is you get a true insight into people by how they react. The truth can be hurtful but at least I won't be wasting precious time an energy investing my life in unworthy people. I'll also know how to pray for them. Very likely I will be isolated , "ousted out of the acceptable crowd". Polyester people bore me anyway.

Funny, I have serious issues with "not real" people too - if you want to be a sinner and live like that I can actually deal with that - as long as you honest about who you are and what you want to do. I wouldn't even judge someone like that because at least they are who they say they are.

Be careful though what you speak - no one WANTS to be alone - we all (even us!) have a need to feel connected to someone somewhere. Start speaking outloud that somewhere - you are the answer to someone's prayers for a friend. Believe what God says in his word - about friendship and what not.

I will have to think some more on the "not real" people thing - I don't really know what that bothers me so much.

and whatever you do - don't forget to breath - it helps you know

 

[dizzydoll]

You're welcome - it too works for me - I frequently (especially of late) make mental lists of what hasn't happened to me lately - like being eaten by an animal - then I have something to be thankful for no matter how twisted it seems.



Yes, you are correct - it is very difficult and there's a fine line (I think) between talking about it randomly to anyone and finding someone you can trust to share it with. Ask God to send you someone you can talk to - in person - writing is good, but it keeps you disconnected from your feelings

The false me is not much fun - I know. But if you can talk about it and apply God's word to it - you can get better and be who you were born and destined to be.



Okay this is a little more complicated - "they" don't really know what you've been through actually so how can they know? You can't really hold that against them and it's okay to say you know what, I am dealing with issues you are not aware of and while I appreciate your concern, I am not going to pretend that everything is okay right now".

The flip side of this issue - as a believer you represent the epitomy of what no one wants to face. There is a thin sheer curtain between truth and reality that most people don't want to face (well some people). The truth is that children are raped and/or killed, people go missing, bad things period happen - Christian or not. People want to believe that they are secure and safe, not subject to the reality of the world and what potentially can happen. And then if you get your victory over this? Well that's almost worse sometimes because it's so convicting for others to be around you.

There are (in my opinion, others may disagree) there are tremendous blessings behind this. I can see the hand of God on my life from day one clearly DESPITE my circumstances. Because I did not "learn" social niceities I don't have to play those games. I consider myself highly blessed in ways that are just incredible to me.




I have had the extreme good fortune to be spared church "junk" - but I think God knows I would have run away and never looked back. I went to one church for ten years under an equally awesome pastor. This one is beyond words - I can say the most mixed up thing about what I feel about something and it is awesome that he can understand it the first time I say it and then explain it back to me differently so I understand it.

I urge you to pray about where god would desire you to go to church. you are under no obligation to stay where God doesn't want you to be.



I don't know you or her, but this really could be you being stressed out behind the fact that you told. I say this only because I have simliar issues (not exactly the same) with my pastor's wife who sits in our meetings but does not speak.

I can not read her so I do not know how to act around her which unnerves me very much. Then I think she hates me. I saw her in the grocery store (I saw her back but she didn't see me) and I about (shocking to me even) jumped out of my skin and literally ran the other way so I wouldn't have to talk to her. I have not offended her or anything so I know it's not true that she doesn't like me. She knows my secrets and I am so NOT cool with that. I share this with you only to give you food for thought. I'm not there in real life and I am not judging you - just saying - it could be that. I didn't even know I felt that way until that happened to me and then I told her in person later and apologized.




But in a way the church SHOULD be about protecting their members and their children. Pedophiles and sociopaths are absolutely pure evil. Witch hunt? No, but due diligence YES (and even that is a joke because if they have never been caught or it was in a different state) the results will come up clean.



I would make a point to discuss this with your headship if you feel this is what they are doing. Your side should be heard.



Anyone that will do this is not worth worrying about. I don't mean to sound harsh - when I was a new christian like THREE times I worked up the nerve to ask who I thought were Godly women to disciple me. All three said I will pray about it and never got back to me. It was devestating actually. I mean I literally shock while I was asking and then to be rejected?

Wait here's the good part.

You know what happened? I said forget them - I am going to get this God thing or die trying and that is precisely what I did. When I have to stand on my faith alone, I can say It is written and not, Well mary said. No I got mine from God alone.

We're about to get a little touchy - bear with.



I don't think WE see ourselves as God sees us. This is what I am working on right now actually. (do a search on any search engine for "who I am in God"). If you saw yourself (and me too!) the way that God did - you would NOT care (neither would I) what anyone on earth thinks because you would be strong and secure in exactly who you (we) are in Christ.


Exactly (see above)



Funny, I have serious issues with "not real" people too - if you want to be a sinner and live like that I can actually deal with that - as long as you honest about who you are and what you want to do. I wouldn't even judge someone like that because at least they are who they say they are.

Be careful though what you speak - no one WANTS to be alone - we all (even us!) have a need to feel connected to someone somewhere. Start speaking outloud that somewhere - you are the answer to someone's prayers for a friend. Believe what God says in his word - about friendship and what not.

I will have to think some more on the "not real" people thing - I don't really know what that bothers me so much.

and whatever you do - don't forget to breath - it helps you know

WOW a real person! PTL! Thank you for your honsty. I'll not be offended in the slightest when truth is spoken. I'm taking a min to read and think here. Bless you
Izzy

 

[dizzydoll]

You're welcome - it too works for me - I frequently (especially of late) make mental lists of what hasn't happened to me lately - like being eaten by an animal - then I have something to be thankful for no matter how twisted it seems.



Yes, you are correct - it is very difficult and there's a fine line (I think) between talking about it randomly to anyone and finding someone you can trust to share it with. Ask God to send you someone you can talk to - in person - writing is good, but it keeps you disconnected from your feelings

The false me is not much fun - I know. But if you can talk about it and apply God's word to it - you can get better and be who you were born and destined to be.



Okay this is a little more complicated - "they" don't really know what you've been through actually so how can they know? You can't really hold that against them and it's okay to say you know what, I am dealing with issues you are not aware of and while I appreciate your concern, I am not going to pretend that everything is okay right now".

The flip side of this issue - as a believer you represent the epitomy of what no one wants to face. There is a thin sheer curtain between truth and reality that most people don't want to face (well some people). The truth is that children are raped and/or killed, people go missing, bad things period happen - Christian or not. People want to believe that they are secure and safe, not subject to the reality of the world and what potentially can happen. And then if you get your victory over this? Well that's almost worse sometimes because it's so convicting for others to be around you.

There are (in my opinion, others may disagree) there are tremendous blessings behind this. I can see the hand of God on my life from day one clearly DESPITE my circumstances. Because I did not "learn" social niceities I don't have to play those games. I consider myself highly blessed in ways that are just incredible to me.




I have had the extreme good fortune to be spared church "junk" - but I think God knows I would have run away and never looked back. I went to one church for ten years under an equally awesome pastor. This one is beyond words - I can say the most mixed up thing about what I feel about something and it is awesome that he can understand it the first time I say it and then explain it back to me differently so I understand it.

I urge you to pray about where god would desire you to go to church. you are under no obligation to stay where God doesn't want you to be.



I don't know you or her, but this really could be you being stressed out behind the fact that you told. I say this only because I have simliar issues (not exactly the same) with my pastor's wife who sits in our meetings but does not speak.

I can not read her so I do not know how to act around her which unnerves me very much. Then I think she hates me. I saw her in the grocery store (I saw her back but she didn't see me) and I about (shocking to me even) jumped out of my skin and literally ran the other way so I wouldn't have to talk to her. I have not offended her or anything so I know it's not true that she doesn't like me. She knows my secrets and I am so NOT cool with that. I share this with you only to give you food for thought. I'm not there in real life and I am not judging you - just saying - it could be that. I didn't even know I felt that way until that happened to me and then I told her in person later and apologized.




But in a way the church SHOULD be about protecting their members and their children. Pedophiles and sociopaths are absolutely pure evil. Witch hunt? No, but due diligence YES (and even that is a joke because if they have never been caught or it was in a different state) the results will come up clean.



I would make a point to discuss this with your headship if you feel this is what they are doing. Your side should be heard.



Anyone that will do this is not worth worrying about. I don't mean to sound harsh - when I was a new christian like THREE times I worked up the nerve to ask who I thought were Godly women to disciple me. All three said I will pray about it and never got back to me. It was devestating actually. I mean I literally shock while I was asking and then to be rejected?

Wait here's the good part.

You know what happened? I said forget them - I am going to get this God thing or die trying and that is precisely what I did. When I have to stand on my faith alone, I can say It is written and not, Well mary said. No I got mine from God alone.

We're about to get a little touchy - bear with.



I don't think WE see ourselves as God sees us. This is what I am working on right now actually. (do a search on any search engine for "who I am in God"). If you saw yourself (and me too!) the way that God did - you would NOT care (neither would I) what anyone on earth thinks because you would be strong and secure in exactly who you (we) are in Christ.


Exactly (see above)



Funny, I have serious issues with "not real" people too - if you want to be a sinner and live like that I can actually deal with that - as long as you honest about who you are and what you want to do. I wouldn't even judge someone like that because at least they are who they say they are.

Be careful though what you speak - no one WANTS to be alone - we all (even us!) have a need to feel connected to someone somewhere. Start speaking outloud that somewhere - you are the answer to someone's prayers for a friend. Believe what God says in his word - about friendship and what not.

I will have to think some more on the "not real" people thing - I don't really know what that bothers me so much.

and whatever you do - don't forget to breath - it helps you know

Polyester people wear thier facade to hide. Its a defense mech. I agree with pretty much eveythng you said, even about churches needing to protect thier people. However, perps don't ususally reaveal things that set out "red" flags so to speak. Remember they are master decievers. Caution should be used alaways not just with people like me. Sometimes its what you don't know is more dangerous. I think ministry workers in general must feel like they live in fishbowls. It is hard f them to be "themselves". No doubt they suffer harsh judgements, have to be thick skinned I guess. The lady I spoke about is nice. It is clear to me that she has in fact made some incorrect assumptions. Its human but that does not make it hurt less. It is obvious that I make her uncomfortable. My husband will not go to another church not even for me. I do want to crawl in a hole under rock never to be seen.

 

[nowhereville]

Okay, now this makes much more sense. Are you absolutely certain about this? I would make it a point to talk to her again about this for two reasons - one if she did it to you - she will do it again - too many people flee form holding leadership accountable - which gives them the freedom to abuse their position. You have a right to do that as a person and as a member of the church. (I had another point, but the train derailed...)

The topics of incest, rape and molestation make MANY people very uncomfortable. (LOL - I was talking with pastor in our session - he was explaining to me about how people who have had "lesser trauma" have this issue - I am a survivor of ten years of abuse by multiple offenders. Even he struggled with saying "lesser").

For all you know - your pastor's wife may be a survivor and that may be the root of her angst - it could happen - heck stranger things have happened.

Okay so leaving the church is not an option. Can you attend a weekly bible study at another church or go to night services at a different church, make it a safe place just for you? How often does your husband attend and does he hold position?

Saturate your life with the word - listen to preachers online or on the radio. Listen to the word or christian music.

Woo Hoo you can so do this - I promise, the queen of all spazzes - you can do this

 

[dizzydoll]

Okay, now this makes much more sense. Are you absolutely certain about this? I would make it a point to talk to her again about this for two reasons - one if she did it to you - she will do it again - too many people flee form holding leadership accountable - which gives them the freedom to abuse their position. You have a right to do that as a person and as a member of the church. (I had another point, but the train derailed...)

The topics of incest, rape and molestation make MANY people very uncomfortable. (LOL - I was talking with pastor in our session - he was explaining to me about how people who have had "lesser trauma" have this issue - I am a survivor of ten years of abuse by multiple offenders. Even he struggled with saying "lesser").

For all you know - your pastor's wife may be a survivor and that may be the root of her angst - it could happen - heck stranger things have happened.

Okay so leaving the church is not an option. Can you attend a weekly bible study at another church or go to night services at a different church, make it a safe place just for you? How often does your husband attend and does he hold position?

Saturate your life with the word - listen to preachers online or on the radio. Listen to the word or christian music.

Woo Hoo you can so do this - I promise, the queen of all spazzes - you can do this

My hubby holds no position, has no real connections here. The lady did not out right abuse me. She was insesnistive. Jumping to conclusions or making assumptions is pretty much it. She is an excellent Bible teacher. Anyway, the pastor is nice to my hubby but not firendly to me. He does outright snub me unless my husband is present. (which is partly why I'm thinkin what I'm thinkin, also that she judges me based on experiences with people she has known in her past, unfortunately we are all guilty of comparing) "D" believes that church s more about God than which one you attend and that they are all pretty much the same. This is his reason for not wanting to go elsewhere. I listen to Joyce Meyer. There is an online support group for sex abuse victums. This place is helpful here at CF. God has been healing me, refining me. As ya'll know refinment can be painful but good for us. I bought a book called the Wounded Woman. It has been sraight forward. Its Bblical. My toes hurt just a little but it has gotten my attention. I do have some good friends. They know about me. Not wanting to wear out my welcome I'm careful about not talkig too much. As far as her possibly being a victum. Actually I do suspect she may have been because of comment she made that struck a cord in my soul. She mentioned being afraid to sleep at night when she was a girl and that she surrounded herelf with stuffed toys. She stated that even now she snuggles tight up to her hubby in order to have comfort for sleep. I have similar issues. I can't stand my back to an open door, hate the dark, startle easliy (post traum stress) an cant stand to sleep without my hubby and my dog one on each side. I keep pillows all around me. This is why I think I felt comfortable. I apologized to her for baiscally being so open when not invited to be so forward. I must have jumped to my own conclusions. She could have simply hated hearing parents fight or had night terrors. Night terrors dont always make lodigcal sense and aren't always the result of trauma.
Hugs
Izzy

 

[nowhereville]

Do you know what is REALLY weird - when you get in that healing place where you are FINALLY ready to give up some of that junk - your whole world kind of goes to heck in a hen basket.

I am so behind on my bills because my spouse went on a spending spree, my autistic son has just been arrested for battery for punching someone, i have to take off work to take care of all these appointments, now my spouse is talking of leaving.

You know what all this "junk" is? Distractions from the enemy is all - he wants us to focus on the junk so we forget all about healing. that's his great master plan actually.

you know what? If we CHOOSE to heal, there won't be a daggone thing we CAN'T do and the devil knows it - so we need to focus on us and God and that's it.

it's hard - I know, but so worth it.

 

[dizzydoll]

Do you know what is REALLY weird - when you get in that healing place where you are FINALLY ready to give up some of that junk - your whole world kind of goes to heck in a hen basket.

I am so behind on my bills because my spouse went on a spending spree, my autistic son has just been arrested for battery for punching someone, i have to take off work to take care of all these appointments, now my spouse is talking of leaving.

You know what all this "junk" is? Distractions from the enemy is all - he wants us to focus on the junk so we forget all about healing. that's his great master plan actually.

you know what? If we CHOOSE to heal, there won't be a daggone thing we CAN'T do and the devil knows it - so we need to focus on us and God and that's it.

it's hard - I know, but so worth it.

You are so very right. It seems when we are on the verge of breakthrough the bottom drops out of our world. Satan will use whatever he can espeacly the weakneses in others to get at us. I read something that has stuck with me. It goes somthing like this "Lables do not define who we are". Stress is one of Satans favorate areas to attack also As I battle the little trojans in my heart, I'll rember you and will be praying for you and your family. I have a good friend who's son and husbad are autisitic. It can be a challenge to be sure. She shares her struggles with this as well as her triumphs. Knowing them is a blessing. I wanna thank you for letting me vent a bit. It has given me an opportunity to get it out and to gain a better grasp on things. Petty things are much easier to focus on than real issues. You hit the nail on the head there. Goin to the dr cause menopause is about to whip me. Havnt slept for days , whiny and grumpy. Ive been ill with it for a while. They wanny biopsy to see what may cause some bleeding issues i"m having. All I want is to keep mybody parts. I know this is affecting my recvery issues here. Truth be told its me who hides from everyone.
Hugs
Izzy

Ps forgive the typos I can't spell n the keyboard sticks need a new one

 

[nowhereville]

While I have greately enjoyed my week on the mountain You know learning to break rules - I feel another valley coming on so I might post as much - I get errr a little "irrational" till I can sort things out so I might not post much. It's kinda like drunk posting, but sober, and makes a lot less sense

I am happy that you are better, that makes that valley better to have gone through