verbally abusive marriage

[coolchicka]

Hello everyone I am lost, married to a man I never wanted to marry in the first place but did so because I have very little family and my dad just about all I got decided to buddy up with him before we got married inviting him to come live with us because a women friend he lived with passed away so he moved with us.

The church was all on us about living together at my dads place and not being married. I said dad can u please make him leave my dad wouldn't make him leave instead he let this man run everything and he said u don't like it u leave ill stay here with ur dad and we want nothing to do with u sense I help ur dad out more than u do well to not lose my dad outta my life as well I married this man to try to keep the peace n


To cut this short lets just say this man even at the age of me being 16 had me posing for him in outfits and taking pics of me. Now our whole marriage he has been bringing me down spiritually emotionally and mentally telling me I'm no good for thing and everything I do isn't good enough and verbal abuse lying basically everything.. well its getting to the point were I basically need ti seperate from him at least but he says if I want a separation he wants a divorce. Now if a divorce does happen do i gotta remain single the rest of my life?

 

[Inkachu]

You've been in this marriage for 10 years?

You described how you met and married him, but what's been going on for the past decade?

Do you have children? Do you work?

 

[BeautifulLove]

Hello everyone I am lost, married to a man I never wanted to marry in the first place but did so because I have very little family and my dad just about all I got decided to buddy up with him before we got married inviting him to come live with us because a women friend he lived with passed away so he moved with us.

The church was all on us about living together at my dads place and not being married. I said dad can u please make him leave my dad wouldn't make him leave instead he let this man run everything and he said u don't like it u leave ill stay here with ur dad and we want nothing to do with u sense I help ur dad out more than u do well to not lose my dad outta my life as well I married this man to try to keep the peace n


To cut this short lets just say this man even at the age of me being 16 had me posing for him in outfits and taking pics of me. Now our whole marriage he has been bringing me down spiritually emotionally and mentally telling me I'm no good for thing and everything I do isn't good enough and verbal abuse lying basically everything.. well its getting to the point were I basically need ti seperate from him at least but he says if I want a separation he wants a divorce. Now if a divorce does happen do i gotta remain single the rest of my life?

In my honest opinion, no. You do not have to stay single your entire life. Realistically, how many divorced Christians do you see doing this? The bible says if you divorce it is a form of adultery. You may be moreso concerned about this. In the religion that I grew up learning in, divorce wasn't seen so much as a horrible sin. It wasn't something that you should do for no reason though. Pray about it. If the marriage can be restored that should be your first option.

God also wants you to be happy and we all know that we must have someone in our lives to support us especially spiritually. I think it is worse to be around someone who hurts our spiritual growth.

If you must divorce it would most likely benefit you to spend some time alone and strengthen in your faith with God. He will let you know if or when another person needs to come into your life and in what form of relationship.

 

[akmom]

That marriage didn't make sense the first time you described it last year either. What church requires you to marry a guest in your father's house? What if he had two guests? How would they have handled that?

It sounds more like you had a relationship with him, which was your choice, and your church didn't think you should be in a relationship with him without marrying. You would have needed special permission to get a marriage license at 16 anyway. I'm sorry, I'm not quite buying the story as written.

Young marriages commonly have problems. Not always, but often. I think at the very least you should both pursue counseling if you are unable to get along. There might be additional resources available to you as far as education and job training, if you missed out on any of this due to your situation when you were younger. I have trouble taking the "verbal abuse" term seriously. What does that even mean? Is it a fancy way of saying he yells at you? Insults you? Anyway, some good mediation can help both of you improve your communication so you aren't getting exasperated with each other and expressing yourself in ways that are not constructive. I'm guessing at the very least that "verbal abuse" means that the things he says are not culminating into any kind of conflict resolution.

I'm not going to offer a judgment on whether to divorce or not divorce, but I will say that these relationship problems - especially communication problems - will most likely carry over into any future relationships. So it is a good idea to deal with them, whether or not you bail in the end.

 

[coolchicka]

Ok it is yelling everyday from the start he starts usually by can I get a new wife can I divorce u?? I found out he moved in with another women before his last divorce was finalized. Yes I was dating him because i needed someone to lean on my mom died at when I was 14 my dad was always working I had no one. But I never had the intent of wanting to marry him. Shouldn't have gotten with him though if I known I would be we're I am now once we got in a big big fight. and I did run off with another man to Arizona why?? Because I wanted to get the support that my husband would never give me however I did not live with the guy out there we both had family there. Still after divorce I would wanna get married to the right person I don't wanna have to stay single rest of my entire life cause of one marriage that shouldn't have even happened. Also we have only been married for 4 years and he is 20 years older than me he don't wanna work doesn't have a license we are still living with my dad after 4 years of being married.

 

[Inkachu]

1. You need to learn to be honest with yourself and with others.
2. Stop making excuses for your poor behaviors. A sad childhood is not an excuse to be an irresponsible adult. Running off with another man because you wanted "support"? No. That was wrong in every way. You could have looked for support from an older woman at church instead.
3. This whole situation sounds extremely dysfunctional and abusive. Your dad pushing you to marry a man 20 years older, who was taking pictures of you when you were a minor... you need to get out of this house immediately IMO. Is there a FEMALE friend or relative you could stay with while you decide what to do next?

 

[coolchicka]

I have been starting to go to a new church. I know I don't make a lot of sense I've been through so much I don't even were to start I don't even remember everything that has happened to exact. I got anxiety and depression myself.

And I mean this man even gets upset that I'm at church too long were I have been going upset if I go to a church event upset if I wanna stay the night as a friends house even though he knows exactly who I'm with. Im not aloud to do nothing basically.

And he wants me to do stuff that just gives me flashbacks of bits of the past on the outfits etc I view him as a sexual idk what but I can't even picture this man my husband. He wants me to do things a normal person would view odd behaviour .

I am trying to save up to get out of this situation myself. Im scared once I do he will come after me mess with my car who knows I seriously am scared of him and what else he could be capable of when he is angry. When u do things exactly how he wants right or wrong things r fine but u step outta line or voice ur opinion watch out.

 

[mkgal1]

It sounds more like you had a relationship with him, which was your choice, and your church didn't think you should be in a relationship with him without marrying. You would have needed special permission to get a marriage license at 16 anyway. I'm sorry, I'm not quite buying the story as written.

A sixteen year old cannot consent to a "relationship" (nor a marriage)....so it's not right to say it was "her choice".

Not only is your husband being abusive....sadly, I don't believe your father (OP) has your best interest in mind either.

 

[mkgal1]

I have been starting to go to a new church.

Can you start a thread in the women's forum---it's more private and better suited for this discussion?

 

[Inkachu]

I agree with Mkgal. I'm really concerned about your well being.

 

[coolchicka]

While he was taking photos of me 16 and nor did my dad stop him from doing this it wasn't until I was of age until I got married and honestly I was in and out of church a lot I kept to myself but had my dad have given me the support he should as a father I would have never ran off with another man. It's like now I never have a chance to really start new with someone who I would really wanna be with just all because of this. With my anxiety and depression I have a hard time remembering a lot of things exact

 

[Avniel]

So you weren't married at 16? You ran off with another man? He has been married before how old was he?

The story sounds particularly odd and is missing very big gaps and details.

 

[LinkH]

A sixteen year old cannot consent to a "relationship" (nor a marriage)....so it's not right to say it was "her choice".

Sure they can, and it's legal in some states if the parents sign off on it. But I wasn't clear from her post that she married at 16. He was taking pictures of her back when she was 16.

 

[mkgal1]

Sure they can, and it's legal in some states if the parents sign off on it. But I wasn't clear from her post that she married at 16. He was taking pictures of her back when she was 16.

"if the parents sign off on it"---that's the *parents* making the decision.

Just because it *can* be legally done doesn't mean a 16 year old has the mental maturity to make such decisions (thankfully lots of government agencies recognize that).

My post was in response to someone saying she obviously "was in a relationship" with him at 16. I realize she wasn't married at that age (not that it matters, really).

 

[DZoolander]

My spidey-troll sense is going off...but...if you are legit...you've got some shady people around you. I have a daughter, and I cannot imagine any scenario in which I would find it acceptable for some nearly 40 year old man to be in my home taking pictures of my 16 year old daughter.

I ain't a violent guy - but let me say the gun would come out and every moment I continued to see his face would be nothing more than him tempting fate. If your father did in fact condone that and promote it - he deserves a beating as well for not protecting his child.

The sooner you are free from that dysfunction, the better. I ain't even going to bother addressing your other behavior, because IMHO it's all derivative of a confused mind.