Venting / Talking behind people's backs

[Amazon]

Hopefully someone will move this if it is in the wrong place.

I was just wondering what people think about venting / talking about people behind their backs? Is it wrong / OK / depends?

I have this friend who I find very difficult to deal with, as does everyone else I know. She never stops talking, for one thing, and she can be pretty judgemental and offensive most of the time. She is the sort of person that you need to feel strong to be around, as she can somewhat drain you of patience and goodwill...

It's impossible to talk to her about it because, as insensitive as she is to other people, she is incredibly sensitive to anything you say to her and will not only take any criticism badly, but will talk about it for weeks till you find yourself reassuring her that you take it back, even if the criticism was valid.

I have seen people, and I have been myself, so wound up by this woman that we are often angry, exasperated or just plain exhausted from hearing her speak and we vent.

We vent to each other. We often console ourselves by saying that we are not really talking badly about her behind her back, but that we are just getting it off our chests because she is so very stressful to be around sometimes.

Recently I have been concerned that perhaps things are getting out of hand, that we are going too far in what we say about her. That we are being cruel. Perhaps if we don't have anything nice to say we shouldn't be saying it at all. The trouble is that people somehow need to get it off their chests as they are often left frustrated and upset.

I tried to stay away from this woman, but it's difficult because she considers me a close friend and other people have told me that she is hurt and upset that she hasn't seen much of me recently...

I know Jesus said we should mend our relationships, and I interpret this as saying we should be talking to each other, not to third parties about our problems. In this case it seems impossible though as the giving and taking is only going one way...

Sorry for such a long post. Hopefully someone will read this! If not I'll edit it down a bit.

What do people think?

 

[MsScarlett]

You have got to get away from this toxic woman. You're stuck in this circle of frustration and venting, and for what? She's a stumbling block for you.
We can love our neighbors without liking them or being friends with them.

 

[Amazon]

Wow MsScarlett - I really didn't expect that answer! I would love for that to be the right thing to do... but I'm afraid that I'm being nasty

Thank you

 

[Celticflower]

Instead of venting to co-workers have you thought about venting to God? And then ask Him to help you deal with this person.

 

[TexasSky]

You hit the nail on the head already. People who feel the need to tear others down do so because of their own low self-esteem. I think that you should continue to reach out to the person, but when they vent, say, gently, "I really am not a negative person, and it really upsets me to hear such negative thinking. Can we change the subject to something happy?"

I watched my beautiful daughter go from a very uplifting person to a very toxic person after she ended up with a college roommate that I think is literally insane. (This roommate would do things like steal keys to my daughter's car to steal her diary to read her diary out loud to others so they could make fun of my daughter.)

I finally sat her down and told her that she was turning into what she hated, and that I would do whatever I had to do to help her, but that the constant criticism of others was 1) a sin 2) hurting her more than anyone else 3) a very nasty, ugly habbit.

She got upset, she got angry, she cried.

But she also changed.

It is NOT an easy habit to break.

The more confident a person becomes, the less they fear others are juding them, and the less they feel others are juding them, the less desire they have to judge others.

The other thing is, gossip IS a sin. The commandment about bearing false witness covers it. Even if your best friend on earth swears it is the truth, unless you SAW it, it is gossip.

It serves no good purpose at all either.

 

[tapero]

Hopefully someone will move this if it is in the wrong place.

I was just wondering what people think about venting / talking about people behind their backs? Is it wrong / OK / depends?

I have this friend who I find very difficult to deal with, as does everyone else I know. She never stops talking, for one thing, and she can be pretty judgemental and offensive most of the time. She is the sort of person that you need to feel strong to be around, as she can somewhat drain you of patience and goodwill...

It's impossible to talk to her about it because, as insensitive as she is to other people, she is incredibly sensitive to anything you say to her and will not only take any criticism badly, but will talk about it for weeks till you find yourself reassuring her that you take it back, even if the criticism was valid.

I have seen people, and I have been myself, so wound up by this woman that we are often angry, exasperated or just plain exhausted from hearing her speak and we vent.

We vent to each other. We often console ourselves by saying that we are not really talking badly about her behind her back, but that we are just getting it off our chests because she is so very stressful to be around sometimes.

Recently I have been concerned that perhaps things are getting out of hand, that we are going too far in what we say about her. That we are being cruel. Perhaps if we don't have anything nice to say we shouldn't be saying it at all. The trouble is that people somehow need to get it off their chests as they are often left frustrated and upset.

I tried to stay away from this woman, but it's difficult because she considers me a close friend and other people have told me that she is hurt and upset that she hasn't seen much of me recently...

I know Jesus said we should mend our relationships, and I interpret this as saying we should be talking to each other, not to third parties about our problems. In this case it seems impossible though as the giving and taking is only going one way...

Sorry for such a long post. Hopefully someone will read this! If not I'll edit it down a bit.

What do people think?

Hi, I believe it is good to vent to others and do so with trusted friends. And those friends would never speak of what I've shared.

If was a work situation, would not discuss with anyone at work, again would talk with trusted friend to vent or share or release.

Same as pertains with any situation.

If at work one if one needs to speak to the boss about a co worker, then can do so with boss.

Some jobs encouarge such, some discourage such. If discouraged, then dont' do it (meaning do not talk to the boss.)

If encouraged and might help better the situation by doing so, then the boss would be a person can go to. Not a gossip session but a this is what is occuring here and hindering the work process or hindering me from doing my job.

If it's not safe, don't do it. If it is safe, then it is.

 

[Amazon]

Instead of venting to co-workers have you thought about venting to God? And then ask Him to help you deal with this person.

celticflower - I have prayed about this, but it just occured to me that when I pray about it, I pray for patience to deal with her and wisdom to know what to say. Perhaps that is not the right thing to pray for. Maybe I should pray to ask what to pray for...

I watched my beautiful daughter go from a very uplifting person to a very toxic person

The other thing is, gossip IS a sin. The commandment about bearing false witness covers it. Even if your best friend on earth swears it is the truth, unless you SAW it, it is gossip.

It serves no good purpose at all either.

texassky, I think this is what moved me to ask for help here. I think I am becoming toxic with all the nastiness and criticising. Plenty of it is coming from me, towards this woman and I don't like it. I'm glad to hear your daughter came back from that.

That last comment is what I was wondering. I do think you need to share your problems with friends, but when does it become a sin? The Bible says not to bear false witness, but if you are telling someone what someone said to upset you it is not false is it? Yet it can sometimes seem like gossip. I just can't quite see where the line is. It's not enough to be truthful, I think, because we are all being quite truthful about this woman really. Yet it feels... nasty...

Hi, I believe it is good to vent to others and do so with trusted friends. And those friends would never speak of what I've shared.

tapero - do you think you ever cross the line with them and go too far when you vent? How do you read the Bible references about gossiping?

It's funny, I never said she was a colleague in my post. She isn't a colleage now, but she was, that's how we met. She's now simply in my extended group of friends. We get a lot of invites to the same parties. I just thought it was funny how you could tell that without me saying.

 

[tapero]

celticflower - I have prayed about this, but it just occured to me that when I pray about it, I pray for patience to deal with her and wisdom to know what to say. Perhaps that is not the right thing to pray for. Maybe I should pray to ask what to pray for...



texassky, I think this is what moved me to ask for help here. I think I am becoming toxic with all the nastiness and criticising. Plenty of it is coming from me, towards this woman and I don't like it. I'm glad to hear your daughter came back from that.

That last comment is what I was wondering. I do think you need to share your problems with friends, but when does it become a sin? The Bible says not to bear false witness, but if you are telling someone what someone said to upset you it is not false is it? Yet it can sometimes seem like gossip. I just can't quite see where the line is. It's not enough to be truthful, I think, because we are all being quite truthful about this woman really. Yet it feels... nasty...



tapero - do you think you ever cross the line with them and go too far when you vent? How do you read the Bible references about gossiping?

It's funny, I never said she was a colleague in my post. She isn't a colleage now, but she was, that's how we met. She's now simply in my extended group of friends. We get a lot of invites to the same parties. I just thought it was funny how you could tell that without me saying.

Well, i vent to those I trust, and may be gossip as well, and do not worry over such. Gossip hurts others, my talking with those I trust does not.

Not justifying what I do, but just being truthful.

If I say, my mom got drunk and did x. Could be gossip.

If I tell my friend the above, it's not going anywhere.

If I rather tell God that my mother got drunk and did x,

or if I tell God that my neighbor is an alcoholic and does crazy things;

or if I tell God that so and so at church is a freak

Well, I tell God fairly much tons, so if is okay to talk to Him about such, I can talk to my friends.

God doesn't say, you shouldn't be telling me this as this is gossip.

If you have a friend that is untrustworthy, major problems.

If one speaks of another to a friend, and that friend uses that information to hurt another or spreads same to another, major problems.

Knowing who is trustworthy is vital and important.

Now in real life, can have many friends come and go.

I don't.

But in many lives and not all, as is individual, many have one or two they can trust with anything.

I have 3 of such in real life. All long distance and all trustworthy, known em 20 years.

Of the 3 I told one of a sin I had done many years before coming to Christ that I wouldn't tell another human being.

I chose her for a certain and specific reason, other than the other 2.

I only needed to talk to one, and so did.

ah, yeah, no I wasn't guessing a colleague, just went into the topic of work

by the way, the best way to deal with people..is to read a chapter of proverbs every day..from chap 10 and up as is a wealth of information on how to handle, what to do, how to be, with everyday occurances with people.

 

[MsScarlett]

Amazon, it's not being nasty to sever a tie that's bringing you down.
I've been through this with coworkers (though I don't know what your relationship is to this woman).
I promise that you can be polite and a good Christian without engaging in a personal relationship with such people.