Urgh...God's working, it hurts.

[TheMainException]

I went to a church service sunday night that we call 'large group' because it is a church made up of many small house churches that comes together once a month. The guy that was talking, he got up and said that he had something else he was going to talk about, but he felt like God wanted him to talk about something else. He ended up talking about his alcoholic father and all this stuff and I just ended up freaking crying. I hate crying in front of people, but the whole service, I was just angry, upset, ready to cry. I wanted to go jump out the open window, cut myself, kill myself...just so much stuff flowing in me that was so not good. I was in a horrible place...but the more he talked and then finally spoke the words I had wished my father to say and actually mean, I lost it. I couldn't take it. I just sat down and cried. I couldn't hold it in no matter how hard I tried.

And today, I still felt crummy all day...just depressed, angry...I even said in my own head that I wanted to punch God in the mouth...I'm talking...really angry here. I could have beat down a full grown oak with my fists. I just sat around and stewed all afternoon. Then, growing more depressed and angry, I went to the woods with my unopened, two month old pack of cigs and smoked one...then left the pack for someone to possibly find. But I just sat there for a while and talked to God. I asked him about why he loved me and how he could love me and chatted with him for a bit. It was a good time. Then I went and got lost in the woods for half an hour. I finally ended up at my friend's place where there were many of my friends and life ended up good. God's working..and it hurts...but it's okay now I guess. He's teaching me. I've just been on the edge so many times. Freaking out in my head. Emotions lie...that's what NiN told me. He's right. They do. They also speak a lot of truth...but the lies speak the loudest.

I go home tomorrow for the summer...it's gonna be a rough time, but hopefully a lot of fun too. But being at home is something I haven't done for 9 months. I've gone home for weekends and vacations, but actually living at home is a different story. I just want to survive it...by spending a lot of time elsewhere mostly. urgh.

 

[BobW188]

Again, I think your Theology faculty, or whatever they call it where you go, would tell you that this is what words like "conversion" and "redemption" really mean. It's a lot more than taking John 3:16 as a mantra and telling everybody how you love Jesus and they should too. But, as I've said before (having cribbed it from C. S. Lewis or someone,) the finest steel is forged in the hottest fires.
Do consider AA and/or NA when you get home. As I recall, you mentioned you'll have access to a car. If your home situation is as bad as you say it is, you might also want to check out AlAnon and NarAnon. It's going to be a lot easier for you if you can now and then talk to safe people in safe places. (Also, you've already reached the point where you may be helpful to others. I'm here to tell you, in a very real way it's a lot easier to get 25 years than 25 days!) And Telephone Buddies can be lifesavers!
You're in all of our thoughts and prayers. Keep in touch best you can!

 

[madison1101]

Again, I think your Theology faculty, or whatever they call it where you go, would tell you that this is what words like "conversion" and "redemption" really mean. It's a lot more than taking John 3:16 as a mantra and telling everybody how you love Jesus and they should too. But, as I've said before (having cribbed it from C. S. Lewis or someone,) the finest steel is forged in the hottest fires.
Do consider AA and/or NA when you get home. As I recall, you mentioned you'll have access to a car. If your home situation is as bad as you say it is, you might also want to check out AlAnon and NarAnon. It's going to be a lot easier for you if you can now and then talk to safe people in safe places. (Also, you've already reached the point where you may be helpful to others. I'm here to tell you, in a very real way it's a lot easier to get 25 years than 25 days!) And Telephone Buddies can be lifesavers!
You're in all of our thoughts and prayers. Keep in touch best you can!

You are so right, Bob. It was so much easier to stay sober when I had my 6 years, than it is to get my two months sober now.

But, the beauty of it all is that it is one day at a time. I was sober yesterday. I am sober today. Lord will keep me sober tomorrow, as long as I work my steps.

Trish

 

[TheMainException]

Conversion and redemption...trust me...I'm no salvation only christian...life's a whole lot harder than Christians think it will be once your a christian. It only gets harder, but I do "preach" love. I try to live it more cuz preaching it is worthless. It's the life that matters. If my life shows it, then my mouth will follow. My God is a God of fire. He loves and disciplines and disciples and explains. He's an awesome God and Satan is an awesome evil dude. But my God is awesomer.

We shall surely see about the AA/NA/AlAnon/NarAnon. I've got to get settled and figure out my life at home and find out what work I have and if I even have a job at the place I work every summer or not and so on. Life at home could be okay...it's just going to be rough not having NiN around as much. I used to be able to go down to his room whenever and talk if I needed to or just hang out even if he wasn't there. It was just a safe place to go all the time. I'm going to miss that. He'll still be around, but probably only like, once a week or so....and all of June he'll be gone...so that might be a time to check out NA/AA for sure. I have a lot more friends who care to listen than I used to, so it seems like going sober this time has everything going for me. I tried three other times...the first two simply because I was afraid of getting caught and the last one because I felt so pitiful...I finally got right because I knew only God could help me and not myself.

i'm feeling better now...but i'm at home, so it's going to be weird for a few days until i get settled back into life at home. I'll probably spend a good deal of time outside and try to stay active.

 

[BobW188]

No, actually it's not always hard. Christ will give you easy times, even joyous ones; but he'll also work you, like he's doing now. He's remaking you! Bringing you closer (though not as close as you'll someday be) to "His image and likeness." But you're right: Christian life is a lot harder than many or most people who call themselves Christian think.
And you're right. If you do the walkin', you can pretty much skip the talkin'. You can save that for those of us who are with you on this road of sobriety. However you do it, keep close to trusted, sober friends. Very few people make it on their own.

 

[BlessEwe]

It used to be hard being a christian, but now I can't imagine living a day without God.
I didn't see your thread, but glad you made it home.

That is something else what happened at your house prayer meeting. Its like God touching those pains of yours and you are aware of it now because you are sober. And I understand the wanting to punch God in the nose..lol so does He. He is touching something painful in you, things we love to push down and avoid.

You do have a great way of writing. It was like I was in your head living what you were living in what you said. Very talented.

I agree to set up a support group all around you at home, via meetings is a great way. Especially for the emotions that come up and don't know what to do with them. And being your good friend isn't there with you, its good to have someone.

 

[TheMainException]

But hey...if I expect it to be hard, at least then when it's not so rough, I can breathe a bit easier and know that hard times will come back again...and I know it won't always be hard like this...but Satan's got it in for me...he's going to send bigger and bigger minions always to attack me as I give God more of myself and grow stronger in Him. I will need to sleep with my armor on...I already have the helmet on...now I just need to get the rest on and on properly.

Blessewe: yea, he touched em alright...he poured a bottle of rubbing alcohol into a gaping, rotting, maggot infested wound and scraped out the dead flesh with a skinning knife. It's hurts like that would hurt as you might expect. It's an entirely different pain than depression ever felt like. It's much more violent.

I appreciate the comment on my writing. I do enjoy writing and metaphors and poems. Words are some of my favorite things.

You know what's nice? Not having to worry about drug tests...I'm trying to get a second job and I noticed that they require drug tests. That is freaky no matter what for me cuz I'm a bit against drug tests and police and government and such (I'm an anarchist...but I don't hate cops or blow stuff up, I just get uncomfortable with that stuff...actually, I wave at cops when I pass them...I treat them nice and one day, I'll expect that to be returned to me). But anyway, not having to worry about a drug test is a nice thing...

I'm getting life sorted out, went in and got my hours at work and did an application for another place...have two doc apps today and have some friends coming over to pick stuff up. Nice day outside. Maybe clean up my room a bit...shop for skateboards and work on plants. Maybe being home won't be so bad.

 

[faithful follower]

Remember that when times are hard, you can all an AA/NA friend or come here or pray. You are growing and responding to God in such a beautiful way. He loves you and Yes, He is a God of Fire. I believe that also. You are loved and I am holding you up in prayer.

 

[BlessEwe]

Remember that when times are hard, you can all an AA/NA friend or come here or pray. You are growing and responding to God in such a beautiful way. He loves you and Yes, He is a God of Fire. I believe that also. You are loved and I am holding you up in prayer.

But hey...if I expect it to be hard, at least then when it's not so rough, I can breathe a bit easier and know that hard times will come back again...and I know it won't always be hard like this...but Satan's got it in for me...he's going to send bigger and bigger minions always to attack me as I give God more of myself and grow stronger in Him. I will need to sleep with my armor on...I already have the helmet on...now I just need to get the rest on and on properly.

Yep! The enemy knows each of our weaknesses and is a clever dude for sure. The great thing is we do have Jesus to overcome anything and we can find rest in that.
Keeping the foundation strong even when we don't feel like it makes us that much stronger when the storms come. Or the wolf ( in the 3 little pigs).

 

[TheMainException]

Thing is...for once, it's less Satan hurting me and more god working...but it hurts too much to face the pain. Everything hurts. I just got really upset because my mom didn't buy me a ticket I needed by tomorrow and she was going to buy it tonight. I doubt that she was going to buy it tonight, she's not going anywhere...I'll have to get it in the morning. She always takes care of me...but the thing is...I went and cried. I'm so frustrated with everything and everything just hurts so bad. It's like it's all sitting right under the surface...poke it, and it comes bubbling out in painful bursts. I don't cry. I'm not a crier. Even when I was clinically depressed, I didn't cry like this.

 

[BobW188]

There's an old joke about the miner's wife complaining about "working all day over a hot stove, while you're down in that nice, cool coal mine," and maybe what I'm about to say is along those lines; but those tears may be God's gift. At least now, unlike then, they can come.
Stick to your friends and don't be afraid to reach out.

 

[BlessEwe]

There's an old joke about the miner's wife complaining about "working all day over a hot stove, while you're down in that nice, cool coal mine," and maybe what I'm about to say is along those lines; but those tears may be God's gift. At least now, unlike then, they can come.
Stick to your friends and don't be afraid to reach out.

Amen!

 

[TheMainException]

Thanks Bob. I know you're right. When I'm really frustrated, the desire to escape into liquid numbness comes back again, as does the want of a joint...anything really. But I push it away and try to draw close to God (since he's already close to me). I know He's working and I need to do my part.