All right, here's my first time sharing some of my work! Could you guys and girls critique it for me? I worked on this story in my writing class that ended very recently. I posted it on a non-Christian message board and one person said that the readers might mind how I substitute certain things for things of the Bible. Kinda chocked she caught on.
It's only the first chapter (I don't wanna bombard you with both chapters!), and don't hold ANYTHING back. I'd like to know what works just as much as what doesn't work. I'd like more than just "I like it" or "I dislike it". Thanks! (if any of you do it
*Untitled*
Written By
Shawn
We will begin this story with a brief history lesson. It is the best way for you to know what truly went on before your time. Whether you take this as truth or fiction is up to you. But one thing is for certain
It will end.
That is the beginning
We will skip the middle
And go near the end......
--CHAPTER ONE--
A long breath of fire erupted out of the Nargod's mouth, heading for me. I stepped to the left to get out of harm's way that this two-foot tall fictitious quadruped was trying to inflict on me. I had no idea why this Nargod was attacking me. Then again, I also didn't know why exactly the Nargod was in existence.
The moment I stepped to the side, the Nargod ceased his firing and lunged himself at my face!
I covered my triangular but roundly edged head with the round shield that was strapped to my right arm.
The Nargod hit the shield and fell to the ground, near my three feet. He began to snap at my legs with his sharp, shiny teeth. I jumped back and aimed the point of my javelin I held in my left hand at him. The javelin obviously didn't threaten the Nargod because he lunged forwards again this time at the javelin. He bit off the tip and started to chew.
This couldn't be real. I had no idea how I even got to where I was Then again, where was I? I looked at my surroundings. Nothing but brown, barren land as far as my old, yellow eyes could see.
I couldn't run the Nargod was definitely quicker than I. Plus, where would I run to?
I had no more to fight with because the broken end of a javelin wouldn't do much harm if this thing had just taken a bite out of it and was making a meal on the blade. What was I to do? I had to think quick. The Nargod swallowed the blade.
I kept my distance, trying to eye what the Nargod's next move would be. That was impossible, because I wouldn't have thought he would whip his six-foot tail over his one-foot long body to try and gash a hole in my neck with his tail blade. I swayed away just in the nick of time.
The Nargod jerked his light, red body to the right. I jerked myself to the left, almost tripping over my three legs. I caught myself before the Nargod could sink his deadly teeth into my neck.
I managed to keep a nice space cushion between me and the Nargod. For a while he seemed to respect that space, but I knew better. He was sizing me up. Figuring out my weakness. Trying to attack me when my defense was down.
The Nargod opened his mouth and another burst of fire ascended three feet in hopes of meeting my face, but the flames were cut short by my shield. As I quickly lowered my shield, I noticed that the Nargod was no place to be seen. I spun around.
Nothing.
Looked left. Looked right.
Nothing. Nothing!
Did I scare him away? I thought to myself but knew that couldn't be the answer. And it wasn't.
I began hearing something underneath me. Before I could use my leg muscles to jump away (as all us Trekks are known for), I felt a sharp pain in the direct center of my three legs. And that was an important external organ for us males.
GAAAAAAAAAAH! I screamed, falling over in pain I couldn't possibly put into words! I looked down between and behind my two front legs and saw my light pink blood making a trail away from me. AAAAAHHHRRR!
The Nargod was standing just a yard away, staring at me with his tail waving in the air. I could see my pink blood on his tail blade. I looked intently on him, and he seemed to be filled with no emotion whatsoever. He didn't even look like he was going to finish the job.
Are you done yet? He asked.
My eyes shot wide open. This thing could talk!?
I have a message for you, he continued.
By that time, the pain had dimmed, but I still knew that one of my organs was bleeding and was in a very bad and critical position.
What? I asked.
2-1-T-G-E-3-P-3-5-7-9-L.
What?! I repeated, not understanding what this Nargod was trying to say to me. Yet, those letters and numbers were repeating themselves in my head. They had to be important. But for what?
Suddenly, my injury disappeared. The Nargod was gone. The brown surroundings as far as the eye could see vanished.
-----
I was in the dark. My eyes were open. I felt no pain.
Lights on! I yelled as I hurriedly pushed back the covers on the bed I was sleeping in, and the bedroom lights gradually went from complete darkness to semi-bright. I frantically sat up and checked the center of my three legs and saw my organ still there. I sighed out of relief.
It was a dream! I thought, relieved closing my eyes. The twelve numbers and letters that the Nargod told me began echoing in my head, over and over and over.
2-1-T-G-E-3-P-3-5-7-9-L.
2-1-T-G-E-3-P-3-5-7-9-L.
2-1-T-G-E-3-P-3-5-7-9-L
Write it. Memorize it, said a still, soft inaudible voice.
I reached over to a bench just beside my bedside and reached for a Scribbler and a pad to write on.
2-1-T-G-E-3-P-3-5-7-9-L, I said aloud so it wouldn't go away. I would normally have a great memory, but my mind always slacked in the morning.
Within seconds, I had the entire code or whatever it was down on the piece of paper, and I calmly set the Scribbler and it on the bench. I laid my head back on the headboard, closed my eyes, and sighed again.
My internal ears heard movement beside me! I opened my eyes and jerked away, expecting it to be a Nargod.
What's wrong with you?
I just about smacked myself when I heard her voice.
I'm just a little jumpy right now, tots, I said to my consort, Tavvy. That's all.
Tavvy sat up to meet me eye-to-eye. Oh? About what? She got comfortably close to my face, which I loved. Tell Tavvy, Jargson, she said.
A dream I just had. I'm not sure how or why I was there, but I was on brown land, in the middle of nowhere, battling a Nargod.
A Nargod? She asked, almost out of mockery.
Don't laugh, I said, looking into her wonderfully bright, pink eyes. For a moment I was lost in them. I loved the way her dark brown skin crinkled about her eyes when she smiled. I could stare at her Earslits for days, talking to her as I did so. I wouldn't even care if she didn't listen.
Tavvy didn't have the most beautiful physique believe me but her bubbly personality shined through that. I honestly thank Togen everyday for bringing her into my life. She makes me feel closer to her mid-ish twenties age everyday. And that's a big thing, with me being near mid-forty.
I won't, Tavvy replied with a very sincere look on her face. Please, continue, Jargson.
I smiled. She was being just a tad sardonic, but that's one thing I loved about her.
I continued, Well, the Nargod and I was fighting for a bit, and then the Nargod damaged my my my goods.
Ooooh, well, we know that was a dream, she said with a surprisingly straight face.
I laughed and finished relaying the dream. After that, the Nargod gave me a series of letters and numbers. I woke up, and Togen told me to write it down and memorize it. I reached out of the bed and towards the bench. I grabbed the pad, showing it to my tots.
Tavvy looked at the paper and read what I wrote out loud. 2-1-T-G-E-3-P-3-5-7-9-L.
Yeah, I woke up and I heard 'Write it. Memorize it.'
Hmm, yeah, that would be Togen. I wonder what it's for.
I do too, but I wonder why he would use a Nargod to give me the message? Nargods are fiction.
Tavvy stared at me with that 'what's wrong with you, can't you think?' look.
Wh-hat? I chuckled.
What did you watch last night on the OpticVision, mollycoddle?
It took me a few seconds to get over that pet name she loves to call me so much. It took me several more seconds to come up with the answer. I had watched several things the night before, flipping through the channels. Then I remembered to what she referred.
Oh.
Uh-huh. She looked at me with a sidelong glance.
Yeah, that movie.
Yes! Movies are fiction and that particular one starred a particular fictional Nargod.
I laughed as I shook my head in embarrassment.
It wasn't Togen having it come from a Nargod. He was just going with your dream.
He didn't have to have me get hit in my organ though.
Well, he told you the code after he injured you, right?
Yes. I nodded.
Obviously, Togen's been trying to get your attention when you've been awake, but that hasn't been working. So he had to get your attention in your dream. She rolled her eyes. And you just happened to be dreaming about a very deadly, fictional organism.
I stared in awe. How did she know all that? More importantly, how come Togen couldn't get my attention when I was awake? Was I putting things before him? Did I hear him but not take note of it? Did I grow out of the habit of hearing him?
That will have to be corrected, I thought. I feel insipid, I said, rubbing my forehead with my three-fingered hands.
That's all right, it's in the morning. You know how you are, and so does everyone else. No one can blame you. She removed my hand and kissed my forehead before jumping out of bed, calling, Lights off. Windows open.
Responding to her words, the lights dimmed off and the windows which were blended well with the beige-colored wall revealed themselves, rolling upwards into the wall. The rectangular bedroom was filled with rays of orange light from the morning Ball of Light as Tavvy walked to the door entrance that was on the opposite end of the bed and to the left. She was heading into the bathroom.
I decided to see what was on the OpticVision, so I gave the command. OpticVision, on!
The OpticVision that sat directly across from the bed, on the wall, activated itself, showing local programs and news shows.
WorldOpticVision, on, I said and the screen went black for just a second.
WorldOpticVision gives news and shows from all the other Districts. It is a cable line that hooks up to regular OpticVision and runs throughout the entire planet of Frand. It's a lot better then plain OpticVision at times.
When WorldOpticVision came onto the screen, it was on tuned into a news program. I was going to change the channel, but the first words that I heard out of the female Trekk's mouth kept my attention.
So far there has been an estimated seventeen Trekks dead, seven missing, and twenty-two injured.
It's only the first chapter (I don't wanna bombard you with both chapters!), and don't hold ANYTHING back. I'd like to know what works just as much as what doesn't work. I'd like more than just "I like it" or "I dislike it". Thanks! (if any of you do it
*Untitled*
Written By
Shawn
We will begin this story with a brief history lesson. It is the best way for you to know what truly went on before your time. Whether you take this as truth or fiction is up to you. But one thing is for certain
It will end.
In the beginning Togen created planets, sentient life, and the Hangles. The Hangles were like himself in one manner ghosts. They could pass through walls if they so desired, but their home was not on any planet. Their home was up in the sky where no one could reach. That was Togen's design.
Jefro, one of the Hangles, decided that he wanted to be like Togen. He wanted to be in charge. He knew he was perfect. He thought he was better than everyone else. Pride erupted as he rounded up some of the Hangles to overthrow Togen.
Togen had his loyal Hangles cast Jefro and his minority fraction of Hangles out of his blissful presence. There was no place for Jefro any longer. Jefro was exiled onto a planet that quickly became barren.
Togen decided to create a race to rule over Jefro. This race was the Trekks. Jefro easily manipulated the Trekks out of their power. Togen then sent his son, Seje, to put Jefro in his place under their feet. Togen's son showed the Trekks how to live, and told them that whoever believed in him and accepted him would have the power to reject Jefro and the temptations of his Hangles turned Nemons. They would also get to be with him at the end of their life.
The Nemons could take over any Trekk they wanted if the Trekk fell into disguised temptations, or if the Trekk chose to welcome the Nemons into their body. As retaliation, however, any Trekk with the Power of Seje could release the Nemon's hold on a Trekk.
The Trekks can choose to accept Togen and his graceful act through his son, Seje; or they can reject and go with Jefro and his race of Nemons. The choice is theirs.
Jefro, one of the Hangles, decided that he wanted to be like Togen. He wanted to be in charge. He knew he was perfect. He thought he was better than everyone else. Pride erupted as he rounded up some of the Hangles to overthrow Togen.
Togen had his loyal Hangles cast Jefro and his minority fraction of Hangles out of his blissful presence. There was no place for Jefro any longer. Jefro was exiled onto a planet that quickly became barren.
Togen decided to create a race to rule over Jefro. This race was the Trekks. Jefro easily manipulated the Trekks out of their power. Togen then sent his son, Seje, to put Jefro in his place under their feet. Togen's son showed the Trekks how to live, and told them that whoever believed in him and accepted him would have the power to reject Jefro and the temptations of his Hangles turned Nemons. They would also get to be with him at the end of their life.
The Nemons could take over any Trekk they wanted if the Trekk fell into disguised temptations, or if the Trekk chose to welcome the Nemons into their body. As retaliation, however, any Trekk with the Power of Seje could release the Nemon's hold on a Trekk.
The Trekks can choose to accept Togen and his graceful act through his son, Seje; or they can reject and go with Jefro and his race of Nemons. The choice is theirs.
That is the beginning
We will skip the middle
And go near the end......
--CHAPTER ONE--
A long breath of fire erupted out of the Nargod's mouth, heading for me. I stepped to the left to get out of harm's way that this two-foot tall fictitious quadruped was trying to inflict on me. I had no idea why this Nargod was attacking me. Then again, I also didn't know why exactly the Nargod was in existence.
The moment I stepped to the side, the Nargod ceased his firing and lunged himself at my face!
I covered my triangular but roundly edged head with the round shield that was strapped to my right arm.
The Nargod hit the shield and fell to the ground, near my three feet. He began to snap at my legs with his sharp, shiny teeth. I jumped back and aimed the point of my javelin I held in my left hand at him. The javelin obviously didn't threaten the Nargod because he lunged forwards again this time at the javelin. He bit off the tip and started to chew.
This couldn't be real. I had no idea how I even got to where I was Then again, where was I? I looked at my surroundings. Nothing but brown, barren land as far as my old, yellow eyes could see.
I couldn't run the Nargod was definitely quicker than I. Plus, where would I run to?
I had no more to fight with because the broken end of a javelin wouldn't do much harm if this thing had just taken a bite out of it and was making a meal on the blade. What was I to do? I had to think quick. The Nargod swallowed the blade.
I kept my distance, trying to eye what the Nargod's next move would be. That was impossible, because I wouldn't have thought he would whip his six-foot tail over his one-foot long body to try and gash a hole in my neck with his tail blade. I swayed away just in the nick of time.
The Nargod jerked his light, red body to the right. I jerked myself to the left, almost tripping over my three legs. I caught myself before the Nargod could sink his deadly teeth into my neck.
I managed to keep a nice space cushion between me and the Nargod. For a while he seemed to respect that space, but I knew better. He was sizing me up. Figuring out my weakness. Trying to attack me when my defense was down.
The Nargod opened his mouth and another burst of fire ascended three feet in hopes of meeting my face, but the flames were cut short by my shield. As I quickly lowered my shield, I noticed that the Nargod was no place to be seen. I spun around.
Nothing.
Looked left. Looked right.
Nothing. Nothing!
Did I scare him away? I thought to myself but knew that couldn't be the answer. And it wasn't.
I began hearing something underneath me. Before I could use my leg muscles to jump away (as all us Trekks are known for), I felt a sharp pain in the direct center of my three legs. And that was an important external organ for us males.
GAAAAAAAAAAH! I screamed, falling over in pain I couldn't possibly put into words! I looked down between and behind my two front legs and saw my light pink blood making a trail away from me. AAAAAHHHRRR!
The Nargod was standing just a yard away, staring at me with his tail waving in the air. I could see my pink blood on his tail blade. I looked intently on him, and he seemed to be filled with no emotion whatsoever. He didn't even look like he was going to finish the job.
Are you done yet? He asked.
My eyes shot wide open. This thing could talk!?
I have a message for you, he continued.
By that time, the pain had dimmed, but I still knew that one of my organs was bleeding and was in a very bad and critical position.
What? I asked.
2-1-T-G-E-3-P-3-5-7-9-L.
What?! I repeated, not understanding what this Nargod was trying to say to me. Yet, those letters and numbers were repeating themselves in my head. They had to be important. But for what?
Suddenly, my injury disappeared. The Nargod was gone. The brown surroundings as far as the eye could see vanished.
-----
I was in the dark. My eyes were open. I felt no pain.
Lights on! I yelled as I hurriedly pushed back the covers on the bed I was sleeping in, and the bedroom lights gradually went from complete darkness to semi-bright. I frantically sat up and checked the center of my three legs and saw my organ still there. I sighed out of relief.
It was a dream! I thought, relieved closing my eyes. The twelve numbers and letters that the Nargod told me began echoing in my head, over and over and over.
2-1-T-G-E-3-P-3-5-7-9-L.
2-1-T-G-E-3-P-3-5-7-9-L.
2-1-T-G-E-3-P-3-5-7-9-L
Write it. Memorize it, said a still, soft inaudible voice.
I reached over to a bench just beside my bedside and reached for a Scribbler and a pad to write on.
2-1-T-G-E-3-P-3-5-7-9-L, I said aloud so it wouldn't go away. I would normally have a great memory, but my mind always slacked in the morning.
Within seconds, I had the entire code or whatever it was down on the piece of paper, and I calmly set the Scribbler and it on the bench. I laid my head back on the headboard, closed my eyes, and sighed again.
My internal ears heard movement beside me! I opened my eyes and jerked away, expecting it to be a Nargod.
What's wrong with you?
I just about smacked myself when I heard her voice.
I'm just a little jumpy right now, tots, I said to my consort, Tavvy. That's all.
Tavvy sat up to meet me eye-to-eye. Oh? About what? She got comfortably close to my face, which I loved. Tell Tavvy, Jargson, she said.
A dream I just had. I'm not sure how or why I was there, but I was on brown land, in the middle of nowhere, battling a Nargod.
A Nargod? She asked, almost out of mockery.
Don't laugh, I said, looking into her wonderfully bright, pink eyes. For a moment I was lost in them. I loved the way her dark brown skin crinkled about her eyes when she smiled. I could stare at her Earslits for days, talking to her as I did so. I wouldn't even care if she didn't listen.
Tavvy didn't have the most beautiful physique believe me but her bubbly personality shined through that. I honestly thank Togen everyday for bringing her into my life. She makes me feel closer to her mid-ish twenties age everyday. And that's a big thing, with me being near mid-forty.
I won't, Tavvy replied with a very sincere look on her face. Please, continue, Jargson.
I smiled. She was being just a tad sardonic, but that's one thing I loved about her.
I continued, Well, the Nargod and I was fighting for a bit, and then the Nargod damaged my my my goods.
Ooooh, well, we know that was a dream, she said with a surprisingly straight face.
I laughed and finished relaying the dream. After that, the Nargod gave me a series of letters and numbers. I woke up, and Togen told me to write it down and memorize it. I reached out of the bed and towards the bench. I grabbed the pad, showing it to my tots.
Tavvy looked at the paper and read what I wrote out loud. 2-1-T-G-E-3-P-3-5-7-9-L.
Yeah, I woke up and I heard 'Write it. Memorize it.'
Hmm, yeah, that would be Togen. I wonder what it's for.
I do too, but I wonder why he would use a Nargod to give me the message? Nargods are fiction.
Tavvy stared at me with that 'what's wrong with you, can't you think?' look.
Wh-hat? I chuckled.
What did you watch last night on the OpticVision, mollycoddle?
It took me a few seconds to get over that pet name she loves to call me so much. It took me several more seconds to come up with the answer. I had watched several things the night before, flipping through the channels. Then I remembered to what she referred.
Oh.
Uh-huh. She looked at me with a sidelong glance.
Yeah, that movie.
Yes! Movies are fiction and that particular one starred a particular fictional Nargod.
I laughed as I shook my head in embarrassment.
It wasn't Togen having it come from a Nargod. He was just going with your dream.
He didn't have to have me get hit in my organ though.
Well, he told you the code after he injured you, right?
Yes. I nodded.
Obviously, Togen's been trying to get your attention when you've been awake, but that hasn't been working. So he had to get your attention in your dream. She rolled her eyes. And you just happened to be dreaming about a very deadly, fictional organism.
I stared in awe. How did she know all that? More importantly, how come Togen couldn't get my attention when I was awake? Was I putting things before him? Did I hear him but not take note of it? Did I grow out of the habit of hearing him?
That will have to be corrected, I thought. I feel insipid, I said, rubbing my forehead with my three-fingered hands.
That's all right, it's in the morning. You know how you are, and so does everyone else. No one can blame you. She removed my hand and kissed my forehead before jumping out of bed, calling, Lights off. Windows open.
Responding to her words, the lights dimmed off and the windows which were blended well with the beige-colored wall revealed themselves, rolling upwards into the wall. The rectangular bedroom was filled with rays of orange light from the morning Ball of Light as Tavvy walked to the door entrance that was on the opposite end of the bed and to the left. She was heading into the bathroom.
I decided to see what was on the OpticVision, so I gave the command. OpticVision, on!
The OpticVision that sat directly across from the bed, on the wall, activated itself, showing local programs and news shows.
WorldOpticVision, on, I said and the screen went black for just a second.
WorldOpticVision gives news and shows from all the other Districts. It is a cable line that hooks up to regular OpticVision and runs throughout the entire planet of Frand. It's a lot better then plain OpticVision at times.
When WorldOpticVision came onto the screen, it was on tuned into a news program. I was going to change the channel, but the first words that I heard out of the female Trekk's mouth kept my attention.
So far there has been an estimated seventeen Trekks dead, seven missing, and twenty-two injured.