Unsure how to handle these issues in my marriage

[Chadwick90]

Hello,

I am new to these forums but a Christian in severe need of some Christian advice.

My wife and I have been married for 4 years. During this time we have gone through financial deceit (she spent my savings without my knowledge), and gone through an affair (she cheated). Now I have been no saint and I don't deny that before we married I was not very faithful. However since our marriage I have devoted myself fully and also made sure God was a cherished virtue in my life. We have gone through counseling for these issues and our relationship is stronger than ever now... Or so I thought.

My wife, even when we were dating, has always had a hard time with being honest and would lie over stupid, silly or pointless things. I have told her telling the truth is the best policy and problems could be avoided by just not lying. I thought we had moved past the dishonesty in our marriage, however recently I caught her in a lie.

She has a credit card separate from mine. Although it is her credit card I have always strived for us to have financial transparency in our relationship so that we are both aware of our financial situation. On this card of hers, she claimed sher hardly used it. However three weeks ago, she accidently paid off the entire card when making a payment divulging how much was really on it. I sat down with her and told her that I wish she had simply been honest with me about how much she was spending and we could have taken care of it instead of lying to me bout how much was on it. Well, she apologized and I told her I really can't handle any more dishonesty in our relationship because of all we have been through.

She since, had claimed, that she isn't spending much but essentials on her credit card... And said there was just a little over 100 on it. I ask more frequently now to make sure we don't need to make a larger payment on her card. However, I found out she has been pending hundreds of dollars per week to it and that her balance is nearly maxed again.

So it turns out she is being dishonest again. I don't want to divorce... But I am feeling absolutely no trust for her.. And despite it being her card.. The dishonesty is what truly matters to me. I have not brought this up to her yet and she doesn't know that I know. After all we have been through trust is important.. And lying breaks that trust.

Am I over reacting? I feel like I can't continue like this and dishonesty will never improve. She has a chronic case of not telling the truth. Am I wrong to want to call it quits? I feel as if all we've been through is for nothing if the dishonesty continues.. And it will considering I literally just told her I can't handle the dishonesty and she lied to me again. Ugh.

 

[Darkhorse]

I don't think you're over-reacting. Repeatedly lying about finances is a trust killer, and having no trust is a marriage killer.

First, you two need some heavy-duty marriage counseling. You might ask your pastor or doctor for advice, but you need someone who's really qualified. Being Christian would be nice, but being qualified is more important. Counselors deal with couples' money attitudes all the time.

Second, you need full access to her account records. If she accesses her account online, you need her username and password. If she doesn't access her account online, she needs to set that up.
You need to check the account at least weekly.
Of course, she should have the same access to your credit-card website, if you have one.

Third, you both need to strengthen your prayer lives.
If you don't both work hard at this, your marriage will be over.

 

[Mark Quayle]

Hello,

I am new to these forums but a Christian in severe need of some Christian advice.

My wife and I have been married for 4 years. During this time we have gone through financial deceit (she spent my savings without my knowledge), and gone through an affair (she cheated). Now I have been no saint and I don't deny that before we married I was not very faithful. However since our marriage I have devoted myself fully and also made sure God was a cherished virtue in my life. We have gone through counseling for these issues and our relationship is stronger than ever now... Or so I thought.

My wife, even when we were dating, has always had a hard time with being honest and would lie over stupid, silly or pointless things. I have told her telling the truth is the best policy and problems could be avoided by just not lying. I thought we had moved past the dishonesty in our marriage, however recently I caught her in a lie.

She has a credit card separate from mine. Although it is her credit card I have always strived for us to have financial transparency in our relationship so that we are both aware of our financial situation. On this card of hers, she claimed sher hardly used it. However three weeks ago, she accidently paid off the entire card when making a payment divulging how much was really on it. I sat down with her and told her that I wish she had simply been honest with me about how much she was spending and we could have taken care of it instead of lying to me bout how much was on it. Well, she apologized and I told her I really can't handle any more dishonesty in our relationship because of all we have been through.

She since, had claimed, that she isn't spending much but essentials on her credit card... And said there was just a little over 100 on it. I ask more frequently now to make sure we don't need to make a larger payment on her card. However, I found out she has been pending hundreds of dollars per week to it and that her balance is nearly maxed again.

So it turns out she is being dishonest again. I don't want to divorce... But I am feeling absolutely no trust for her.. And despite it being her card.. The dishonesty is what truly matters to me. I have not brought this up to her yet and she doesn't know that I know. After all we have been through trust is important.. And lying breaks that trust.

Am I over reacting? I feel like I can't continue like this and dishonesty will never improve. She has a chronic case of not telling the truth. Am I wrong to want to call it quits? I feel as if all we've been through is for nothing if the dishonesty continues.. And it will considering I literally just told her I can't handle the dishonesty and she lied to me again. Ugh.

Read the book of Hosea. "God's plan for your marriage" is a principle, not a fact.

 

[Mario David]

It's hard to restore a relationship without trust, You stayed together even after she had cheated (I wouldn't) You have trusted her before with the credit cards and she lied and let you down. Really is up to you weather you are going to keep giving her chances or call it quits. however always give it your all and make sure you did the absolutely best to save your marriage. All couples have problems and we all make mistakes trust me I make mistakes (alot) and my wife finds way to forgive them, I believe the key here is trusting GOD and communicating.

 

[Swan7]

If there is no trust in the marriage, there is no relationship. The fruit of what I hear of your wife makes me question if she's even a Christian, but I don't know. God knows though. So I can't really give you any insight on anything, except that you need to go to God about this matter. You've tried to confront your wife about it, but now it's God's turn and allow Him to guide you through this rocky marriage. Perhaps it is salvageable, but again, God knows best.

 

[Chadwick90]

Thank you all for the advice and wisdom. I truly appreciate your replies!

 

[Deidre32]

I don't think you're overreacting, but you married her knowing she was a dishonest person, then. So many people marry someone thinking that the marriage will magically change the person, but it rarely does. I understand not wanting to divorce, but her adultery would be grounds to. Turn to God in prayer and consult a spiritual director as well. In the end though, she needs to repent and turn away from dishonesty otherwise your marriage will always look like this.

 

[Endeavourer]

I'm so sorry for the reasons you are here. I'm sorry you are in this situation.

Your wife is untrustworthy and is a serial liar. Further, she gives into dangerous impulses and has no boundaries. I'm sorry to say, but this is what your future will look like with this wife.

In your short marriage she has already has one affair (that you know of), and has no intention of being honest whatsoever. I would be surprised if there are not more affairs that you haven't found yet.

Did you recover from her affair based on your trust in her promises? Promises which apparently mean nothing?

You have a short marriage and no children. There is not much hope for a different future than the present you are experiencing now.

Unless you supervise her digital and social life like you would a wayward child, you will likely continue to find bad situations. Is this the type of marriage that you would be able to maintain?

If it were me, having just a short marriage with (at least) one affair already, no intention of changing her dishonest ways (which were also at the root of her affair) and no children, my convictions would allow the termination of the marriage. I don't see this as being a safe relationship for you.

If you choose to continue in the marriage, I would not have any children with her unless you have several years of change in her trustworthiness. I would integrate the finances so she has no separate accounts. I would let her have a credit card with a small, mutually agreeable credit limit, and sign up for credit monitoring for both of you with notifications that come to your email (so she doesn't open additional accounts in either of your names). I would not put her name on your savings accounts. I would not name her as a beneficiary to your 401k accounts. I would basically protect your future by treating her as an irresponsible child with respect to financial matters. This is not a place where mutual respect can flourish - but at least financial dishonesty would be less likely to slip past.

Essentially, unless you are monitoring her electronic communications potentially with the opposite sex and financial behaviors 24x7, you will never know for sure what she is up to. As I said, with a short marriage, no children and already an affair, this would not be a safe future for my health, and I would terminate the marriage.

I'm so sorry.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Are there any other underlying concerns about her health? Because, TBH, this sounds like a textbook case of bipolar disorder.

 

[Dave-W]

Are there any other underlying concerns about her health? Because, TBH, this sounds like a textbook case of bipolar disorder.

Yeah - It kinda sounds that way to me as well. Along with her being potentially a compulsive liar. That is a known psychological condition as well.