Hi!
Hi Parc, Let's try and get some clarity here to show that this is still all OCD by looking at some of your statements.
This is troubling me a lot.
IF it's "troubling" you isn't this just another way of saying that it is making you anxious? If the anxiety is accomanying the unwanted thoughts/images/spikes, (whatever way you wish to word it), then you should treat is as OCD. You said it was troubling you "alot" - also a manifestation of OCD in that just won't go away you can't seem to let go of it. Right?
As I have said, I do not have any obsessions anymore.
Please forgive me my friend - but I must ask just why then are you here trying to obtain some sort of certainty/reassurance about the fearful consequences of these spikes? If you weren't obsessing about them you would be able to just let them go and get on with life. To obsess means to be abnormally or intensely preoccupied with something. So you have to ask yourself how many hours of the day are you thinking about these things?
OK, but I have mental acts or compulsions that still persist.
The mental acts and the compulsions are all part of the obsessive cycle in that you can't seem to stop doing them.
My compulsion was "xxxx is Satan/the devil not".
I am going to disagree with you here and propose to you that the above statement is the unwanted/intrusive thought/spike, because you don't agree with it. Am I right?
It's this = I do think about the sentence and "see" the words in images.
Yep... and it's impossible to unthink a sentence or thought and when we have OCD the fact that we can't unthink it or undo it makes us frantic.
Then I make the words, and scream out the word "not".
This is the compulsive activity - the desperate attempt to undo the horrid thought. But it's this type of thing the compulsive activity - the screaming of the word "NOT" that makes the initial thought/spike seem all the more threatening and this false perception leads to more and more attempts to undo it.
Or otherwise I make the images, the very mental picture of the words I wrote above.
Yes. This is called rumination - the mental activity of trying to rid oneself of the distressing spike. Whether it's an outward physical activity or ritual or inward mental ruminative activity both are compulsive actions. One falls into the category of pure "O" OCD the other into straight forward OCD... but at their root they are both still OCD and both are treated the same way.
I was slightly OK until last night when the compulsions were very, very forceful, and I'm afraid why I had not the feeling of sadness (which occupy everytime I do my OCD).
It's not unusual for an OCD'er to have their OCD spin off into other variations of thought which still point back to the original fear. ie. "I don't feel anxious right now... that must mean that I really don't care whether or not I blasphemed against God... if I don't care than that might be proof that I really have blashphemed.... OH NO!! I'm so confused...I need to figure this out right now... because if I did then that might mean...." (and here's the original theme...) "that I'm on my way to hell!!"
Am I anywhere in the vicinity of the train of your thoughts?
If I am it's not because I'm a mind reader but because I have religious OCD of the pure "O" variety and we share the same symptoms because we share the same disorder.
The mistake I committed was:
1. I let the imagery of sentence flow throughout while imaging a "not" word instantly appear seconds after the blasphemy.
If we are going to treat this as OCD then the only mistake was actually your doing the compulsive mental activity of imaging the word "not" after the spike, because this only reinforces the OCD cycle. You have to accept the fact that you can't erase the memory of the spike... but you can decide how to react to the spike. You can make it larger and more threatening by treating as valid by trying desperately to undo it or you can call it's bluff and stand your ground. Picture the spike as if it's a big Silver Back Mountain Gorilla doing a bluff charge at you pounding it's chest.. but just stand your ground and don't flinch and don't pick up your gun, by imaging or shouting "not" at it or doing any sort of compulsive activity to fight against it. This is the proper response. Remember that fighting OCD is a paradox. We fight it by not fighting it and we have to allow the anxiety of not fighting the spike to be there until our brain is habituated to the spike which won't by any means happen over night. But it will happen with patient persitent practice and with accepting failure from time to time but climbing back into the saddle and going back to sqaure one.
But I do not believe those lies
Of course you don't. Deep down you know they are irrational/absurd... but the problem is that you are wanting the comfortable feeling of certainty..and the imbalance of fight or flight hormones in your brain is not giving you that luxury right now.
and I'm seeking the truth from God's Word now.
This is good... if you are doing it for the right reason. But if you are doing it to try and stop the feelings of anxiousness it won't work because once again you are doing it compulsively to gain some sort of feeling of reassurance and certainty You just said in a statement above that you do not believe these lies which implies that you already have knowledge concerning what God's word has to say about your security in Christ. Will one more reassurance end the cycle of obsessing or will it make the original spike seem all the more worthy of your attention? You must examine the motivation behind these things.
Have I committed the blasphemy? Pls. help.
If I tell you "no".. if a Pastor tells you "no" if the scriptures tell you "no", will that stop you from seeking more reassurance? Will it make the thought/spike disappear or will it keep you thinking about it even more? Reassurances never helped my OCD they only reinforced it. I like to quote Marc's Pastor to this question... "Sorry Parcmd... I'm not going to enter the spin cycle with you."
I wonder why I'm not feeling anxious anymore/
Do you mean that you are anxious that you aren't feeling anxious? Which clearly means that you're still anxious...remember it's just another variation of a famliar theme.
Parc,
I know I take a hard line about OCD and I probably seem to lack compassion. My responses are actually born out of compassion and out of my own long track record of treading the wrong path over and over and over in my own battles with OCD until I come to the point where I just can't fight any more and let go, give up and do the hard work of exposure/response.
I'm ever praying for you.
Mitzi
