unhappy father

[peteey]

hey all, I need some advice.
I'm currently not living at home, being that I am 24, but my mom and brother are home right now. (my bro is just home for the summer, as he is in college) but both of them have been complaining about my dad's crankiness. And no, this has not just started, he always seems cranky or moody about something.
to say it bluntly he's not happy, and he is only happy if he is picking on someone, such as my grandma, his mother in law.

he worries about everything, especially money. I know that these are responsibilities, but the way he carries on about it, I just don't think it's healthy, plus he totally over eats, and has quite a belly on him. I'm worried that with his excessive eating, and constant worrying, he's going to give himself a heart attack. I've told him not worry about things, matthew chapter 6 and such...
and when I say something to him about it, nicely of course, he tells me to mind my own business. I have a feeling that it's a lot deeper and more serious then just money worries. and I am just worried, and wish he would be a lot happier, about things. his bad mood puts everyone else in a bad mood.
he's kind of turned into a cranky old man. he is a christian, but like all of us, fall short of God's glory.
I just don't know how to approach him about this, because he gets testy about it all, and I can see that he's not happy, whatever that reason is, and it's wearing on my mother and the rest of my family, we don't even want to be around him when he acts this way, and I just want to know what to do.
I've been praying, but is there anything else that can be done?
It's just really frustrating to see my dad, the head of the house hold, not happy and cranky, and it scares me that I will be like this some day, because the apple dos not fall far from the tree.
it's just increidably frustrating.

 

[rogsr]

Hello,
It sounds like you have quite a problem. Sometimes the problems we face in life can wear us down so much that they begin to decay our spirit. Maybe instead of just attacking the subject head on you could hang out with him(if that's possible) and find out what's really eating at him. My dad was like that too for a long time after he and my mother divorced. Always complaining about money and how mundane his life was. After leaving home I got a better sense of myself and wasn't afraid to talk with him about his worries. To make a long story short, it wasn't the money that was bugging him, it was the meaninglessness of his life. By this time I had become a Christian and was just starting training for the priesthood so I was in a good position to help him. You could start taking your dad to church with you, if you don't have a church you go to then maybe you could find a new one together. Many of the problems that middle aged and older people face are existential(meaning of life) in nature. They are getting older and maybe didn't do all the things they wanted to do in life so they react negatively. Having faith in God and building a stronger relationship with Jesus can give someone a purpose for living. You could be shrewd about this and take your dad out to lunch or dinner, just the two of you, which is something I'm sure he'll like. Then you could work into conversation an invitation to go to church. Tell him how good it makes you feel when you go to church. You could talk to him about things like what he was like when he was younger, this might bring back feelings of nostalgia and may bring back some of his youthful exuberance(at least on the inside ). What ever you decied on doing I think it's great that you care about your father enough to reach out to him. Good luck

 

[desi]

Men as the head of household have pressures on them beyond other people. I say this as a married man with 5 soon to be 6 children with no job, looking for one. The best thing you can do for him would be to say, 'Dad, I know you work very hard for everyone and I just want you to know I appreciate all the sacrifices you make for us.' This would be may times better than to hit him with, 'Why are you so grumpy?, lighten up!, etc...'

 

[Bizzlebin Imperatoris]

He seems to not want advice, so try to get him to do things contrary to his moods. If he feels lonely, be with him. If angry, take him to a movie. If sad, get him a gift. I have no doubt this will greatly improve the situation.

 

[peteey]

yes. I kind of talked to my mom about this. and told her that she needs to communicate with him better with out getting upset with him, because he gets upset when you want to talk, which I think is his attempt to kind of push away...because I know I can get him to talk.
I am going to be moving closer to home in the next few days, and I hope to at least sit down and spend more time with him.
But I really want to thank you all for your input and advice. It's really helped out. I'm not a big fan of being the "mediator" in my family, but it frustrates me that nothing gets said or done. so I guess I always step up to do it.

Thanks again!!

 

[Deb4given]

yes. I kind of talked to my mom about this. and told her that she needs to communicate with him better with out getting upset with him, because he gets upset when you want to talk, which I think is his attempt to kind of push away...because I know I can get him to talk.
I am going to be moving closer to home in the next few days, and I hope to at least sit down and spend more time with him.
But I really want to thank you all for your input and advice. It's really helped out. I'm not a big fan of being the "mediator" in my family, but it frustrates me that nothing gets said or done. so I guess I always step up to do it.

Thanks again!!

I'm not sure how old your dad is, but if he is in his 40's close to 50, he could be going through a midlife crisis. It even hits Christians. If he hasn't accomplished things that he always wanted too, if your mom and him are fighting, he has gained weight and isn't happy with how he looks,his job isn't what he ever wanted, he might with every birthday see his time running out. This causes regrets, fear, and just general unhappiness.

He needs lots of prayer and support for the decisions that he needs to make. It might even be drastic things like changing jobs or moving, (I dont' believe divorce is the answer ever) or he just might need a vacation by himself to come to terms with himself and where God is taking him.

Pray Pray Pray

 

[braeden]

your prayer and our prayers will do a lot of help,just hang in there.it's hard but be very patient with your dad even if he gets so irritated...smile
God bless

 

[peteey]

yes I am not sure on the whole changing jobs thing as he is a farmer. it's been a gernerational farm, well for two years now. and they are talking about selling it. I would just like to sit down and talk to him in general about things.
Thanks guys!!

 

[breezynosacek]

yes I am not sure on the whole changing jobs thing as he is a farmer. it's been a gernerational farm, well for two years now. and they are talking about selling it. I would just like to sit down and talk to him in general about things.
Thanks guys!!

Wow, well that might explain it! He is having to sell his homestead? Land is important and if that is how you grew up to believing, then selling it and not being able to make it pay is going to make you feel like you are a failure.

It's happening to a lot of farmers. They are having to make drastic changes in how they farm, the crops or products they grow and how they market them. There is a lot of competition out there and now you have to fit into all of these niche markets and compete with all of these imports. The global economy is going to be the death of us all except for Christ intervening on our behalf.

I would pray that God gives him some creative alternatives to what he and the family have done in the past.

Sounds like he is going through the grieving process. Not only for his home/farm but also for his own identity.

 

[kbean]

I just don't think it's healthy, plus he totally over eats, and has quite a belly on him. I'm worried that with his excessive eating, and constant worrying, he's going to give himself a heart attack. :

I have no doubts there is something bothering him. It may be his current situation or something from long past? Did you say he has always been like this? Or just recently?
Usually when a person is over eating all the time, something is actually 'eating' them. Could be depression, a hard one to tackle with men (too proud and won't see a Dr.). I would go with the advice given, just act to the contrary, and use words to lift him up, even if it's hard for you to do...."let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words may be an encouragement to those who hear them..." eph 4:29. ANd remember what works for men, they are happiest when they are productive and feel valuable to those around them....help him to feel that way!