Unequally Yoked- Perspectives

[Verve]

I had posted this picture in the Off Topic thread and I guess it would make sense to elaborate on here and get your thoughts.

It really reminded me of my parents. My mom was raised going to church but fell away and started going back after us kids were born. This is to the best of my knowledge since we went with her every Sunday all my childhood memory.

She was baptized after we changed churches when I was about 10. That's really when I saw her start a morning Bible study habit and getting involved in the church.

My dad never really understood church, I feel like he has had bad experiences with Christians and it has not been the faith he is drawn to. He currently proclaims himself to be Buddhist.

This image resonated with how I view their marriage because his complaints about the amount of time she spends at church have only increased, become more jealous, as the years have passed.

I can sense that he feels that his wife is drawn to the church body in a way he isn't. His jealousy of any time she spends with Christians is possessive in the way a guy would be if some other man was courting his girl.

His resentment and jealousy is directed at "the other man" instead of at my mom though. He blames church for taking up her time, not her for going.

I don't know how many other kids raised in unequally yoked homes have seen this dynamic before. Or at least feel this way about it.

 

[DZoolander]

I always kinda wince when issues about being "unequally yoked" come up - because while such things certainly do exist - often I see people using those kinds of terms when it comes to things other than issues of faith (like both are Christian - but one just doesn't like going to church).

Thankfully my wife and I are in agreement on those types of things. I have no desire to send my daughter off to one of those money-grubbing man made gossip/guilt factories. But - say that was important to my wife - I would really take exception of the usage of the term "unequally yoked" to define our "differences".

So I think it's important to separate the wheat from the chaff when it comes to issues of being "yoked".

I don't know how much of a big deal it is, though, provided the parents handle it among themselves properly. Like - my dad was a skeptic up until the very end - and my mom wanted us to go to church. It really made no difference in our upbringing - nor do I really know whether or not they had disagreements on how to handle us. If they did - it wasn't ever brought to our attention.

 

[ValleyGal]

I think there is a huge difference between "unequal yoke" and simple differences. When I did my first course in social psychology, we took two phrases "opposites attract" and "birds of a feather flock together" and we did a bit of a study to find out which is more correct. Our findings supported previous research that while opposites attract for a little while, it eventually does not work, while birds flock together better.

The closer you are in things like upbringing, socioeconomic status, education, age range, religion, values, etc. are things that make the process of becoming one easier because you have a closer starting point. But simple differences like whether you are a morning person or a night owl, hockey or figure skating fan, etc are simply differences that can enhance the intimacy in the relationship if you are truly interested in the things that interest your spouse.

I do not believe that an equal yoke is only about religion, but I do believe that being in the same book is a good start. The fundamental beliefs are important, and everything that is not fundamental to salvation is open for interpretation and respectful discussion (I am pretty pig-headed, so I might not come across as respectful to my husband, but it's only because I am passionate about my faith, not because I disrespect his faith). But love is the most important, and living that love out in our marriage is more important than whether the earth is young or old (for example).

 

[DZoolander]

I agree.

When I was growing up - everything was up for debate. One of my parents was pretty conservative, one of my parents was pretty liberal. One of my parents was pretty religious - the other was a skeptic. My mom was very rule based - my father was far more interested in the process of how you came to a conclusion and your supporting arguments.

So I think that a lot of people find me a pretty easy person to get along with - because there's not a ton that I take really personally. In my view - there are actually a lot more similarities between people than there are differences - and most of the things people find to be important are actually kind of superficial.

Like in faith - I think that one of the most beneficial things that ever happened to Christianity was the reformation... Not so much because any of the new segments of Christianity had it right - but rather because it demonstrated the fact that NOBODY had it right. The time when Christianity was most corrupt and dangerous was when there was a singular Christian faith. I think society needs discord to keep it on track.

So I agree with you on core issues. There definitely should be a core agreement on direction and principle. I think, however, that it needs to be recognized that there are very few things that really deserve to be called principles. The rest often is simply protocol - and how you individually choose to get to that common goal.

 

[Verve]

The whole point was the discussion of an unequally yoked spouse being jealous or not understanding the faith of the believing spouse.

 

[mkgal1]

The whole point was the discussion of an unequally yoked spouse being jealous or not understanding the faith of the believing spouse.

Our love for God should add to (not take away) from our marriages. I don't see Buddhism (for example) as something that's really contrary to God's love (not like someone that's into addictions or something like that). I think *most* marriages go through some sort of change in faith (as faith isn't something that's static). I've also come to believe that "equally-yoked" isn't really limited to religion.

 

[mkgal1]

The whole point was the discussion of an unequally yoked spouse being jealous or not understanding the faith of the believing spouse.

The one thing that made me curious about your original comments was how you said something like, "my dad has commented for years about the church pulling my mom away from him." To me......that sounds different than a couple that wasn't right for each other from the start (not that I want to get into analyzing your parent's marriage. I really want to stay as *far* away from that as possible). I guess I'm just having difficulty putting this together with the cartoon. When someone says, "the church is pulling you away from me".....that sounds as if there was a time that they were much closer (and a much closer "fit").

 

[ChristianGolfer]

This image resonated with how I view their marriage because his complaints about the amount of time she spends at church have only increased, become more jealous, as the years have passed.

I don't understand how the image represents what you're saying, I guess.

"She's not for you" would suggest that Jesus has said your parents shouldn't be married.

You really think Jesus would do that? "Put asunder" what God has joined?

I can sense that he feels that his wife is drawn to the church body in a way he isn't. His jealousy of any time she spends with Christians is possessive in the way a guy would be if some other man was courting his girl.

I've seen this dynamic with lots of couples where it had nothing really to do with church or God. What it really has to do with is one spouse feeling neglected. Any hobby, interest, job, etc, can be the problem.

I don't know how many other kids raised in unequally yoked homes have seen this dynamic before. Or at least feel this way about it.

I've seen this dynamic more in terms of pastors' families. I come from a family that has a lot of pastors - male pastors, mostly. They devote their lives to "ministry" and neglect their families. And their families get jealous of their time and attention.

 

[CareyGreen]

Some of what's been said is totally right. The "unequally yoked" mantra applies only to issues of faith. In the context Paul says that "light has no fellowship with darkness" - so he's talking about one who is a believer in Christ and one who is not. So, in your parent's situation, it seems pretty clear that is what is the case.

BUT, it sounds like they became "unequally yoked" after already being married - your mom making the decision to follow Christ after making the decision to marry your dad. So that makes for a hard situation.

But God's sovereign over it... He knew it would happen and in fact wants to use it for both of their good. Don't ask me to explain how all that works... He's the one in charge!

She may NEED to back off of some of her church activities for the sake of loving and respecting him well. It would depend on how much she's involved, I guess. Even people who are "equally yoked" often get involved in church so much that their marriage suffers for it.

 

[mkgal1]

The time when Christianity was most corrupt and dangerous was when there was a singular Christian faith. I think society needs discord to keep it on track.

So I agree with you on core issues. There definitely should be a core agreement on direction and principle. I think, however, that it needs to be recognized that there are very few things that really deserve to be called principles. The rest often is simply protocol - and how you individually choose to get to that common goal.

I think this is an important point.

 

[mkgal1]

Some of what's been said is totally right. The "unequally yoked" mantra applies only to issues of faith. In the context Paul says that "light has no fellowship with darkness" - so he's talking about one who is a believer in Christ and one who is not. So, in your parent's situation, it seems pretty clear that is what is the case.

Of course I agree with this.......but, IMO....there's a difference between "religion" (tradition.....denominations)....and "light". Like CG brought up.....I've also seen this happen a lot in pastor's homes (and I'd rather use them as an example than TIV's own parents). Whenever it was brought up (by wives or children) about the seemingly endless hours at church----the typical response was something like, "I'm doing this for the LORD......happy hearts....remember?". To me......that sounds like using God to "win" the argument.....and, it also seems dismissive of the other's opinions (which is contrary to a relationship).

Even people who are "equally yoked" often get involved in church so much that their marriage suffers for it.

Agreed. I think there may be too much merging of "church" and "Christ".....IOW, mistaking them to be the same (sadly, that's not always the case). Doing service for God brings life to relationships (unless sin is separating the two people in the marriage).

 

[Verve]

The one thing that made me curious about your original comments was how you said something like, "my dad has commented for years about the church pulling my mom away from him." To me......that sounds different than a couple that wasn't right for each other from the start (not that I want to get into analyzing your parent's marriage. I really want to stay as *far* away from that as possible). I guess I'm just having difficulty putting this together with the cartoon. When someone says, "the church is pulling you away from me".....that sounds as if there was a time that they were much closer (and a much closer "fit").

No, they're still close. It's just that he is sort of jealous in his own way about any time my mom spends away from him aside from work. Most of it is family related, he gets that. But church, he doesn't get it. He stays home on Sundays and wants her to be home as soon as possible to fix Sunday dinner.

When he says something like that, he really means he wishes she'd stay home and hang out in front of the telly instead of going to church.

I don't understand how the image represents what you're saying, I guess.

"She's not for you" would suggest that Jesus has said your parents shouldn't be married.

You really think Jesus would do that? "Put asunder" what God has joined?

No, that's not what I mean at all.

Maybe it's that you and I are viewing relationship with Christ in a different way.

As Christians our primary relationship is our relationship with God.
Any spouse or child, anyone else really falls into rank after that.

I see the cartoon as Him saying that she's not his because, in the larger scheme of things, every member of the Church is His.

Some of what's been said is totally right. The "unequally yoked" mantra applies only to issues of faith. In the context Paul says that "light has no fellowship with darkness" - so he's talking about one who is a believer in Christ and one who is not. So, in your parent's situation, it seems pretty clear that is what is the case.

BUT, it sounds like they became "unequally yoked" after already being married - your mom making the decision to follow Christ after making the decision to marry your dad. So that makes for a hard situation.

But God's sovereign over it... He knew it would happen and in fact wants to use it for both of their good. Don't ask me to explain how all that works... He's the one in charge!

She may NEED to back off of some of her church activities for the sake of loving and respecting him well. It would depend on how much she's involved, I guess. Even people who are "equally yoked" often get involved in church so much that their marriage suffers for it.

Their marriage doesn't suffer for it. Not at all. My dad whines about it every Sunday before she leaves for church and when she gets back. She doesn't even hang around for any of the after church activities.

He just wants her home with him...that's all. She was involved with the youth group and taught sunday school when us kids were growing up, but now she just goes to church and is part of a board that meets every other week for a couple hours. When she's at the meetings, he is at work.

He just gets jealous of her going to church. It's the strangest thing. So it's really not like pastor's families at all, where there is too much time being devoted to ministry and family suffers for it.