Understanding the signals

[SuperTech]

Hi everyone.

I am struggling with a little problem at work. There's this woman, whom I will call Leslie, that I find am strongly attracted to both physically and as a friend. I've known her about 2 years now and really started to have serious romantic feelings for her starting in April of this year. I told her that I wanted to talk to her after work back in July and she blew me off both times by ignoring me and making excuses about going to the drug store and that she couldn't stay. We then gave each other the cold shoulder for about 2 months and I really hated her during that time period. I know I should have been praying about this problem during that time, but I wasn't. One Saturday morning I woke up with a stomach ache and knew that I had to pray about this "nail in my side". I decided to forgive her and stop treating her meanly and she eventually did the same.

So now we are back to where we were 4 months ago: her giving me little winks when she sometimes talks to me and her softly touching me from time to time when she comes over and talks to me. I've been praying to God for me to get over her and I've really made an effort to stay away from this woman. I don't want to be mean to her to keep her at bay and away from my desk, because that isn't Christian like. Yet, she seems not to want to talk to me in private.

My dilemma is that if she was interested in me, wouldn't she have came and talk to me back in July? I only asked her twice to talk to me and then I gave up because I did not want to seem desperate (or get into sexual harassment trouble). Do I try to confront her again and lay it on the line? I'm really torn what I need to do. I asked God to help me get over her and it only seems to have gotten worse!

Suggestions please!

Thanks.

 

[JPPT1974]

I am very sorry with what you and Leslie are going through. I will pray for you and her. Also if you need any help from any of us on the board, please don't hesistate and feel free to come contact us. PM or write to us on the board. God bless you and Leslie.

 

[Tuffguy]

I would stop flirting w/her at work. She probally only wants you as a friend and avoids social situtations w/you because of that. If she was interested i think you would know.

 

[chickenfeet]

or.. maybe she's just shy?

 

[Nico]

my initial reaction and the one that kinda stays w/me is that she's not interested in anything more than a friendship. you might be getting mixed signals b/c she might want you to want her, but not have anything go beyond that. i know tons of girls that like to have guys have crushes on them. not too nice, but that's kinda how this situation strikes me....

 

[SuperTech]

I would stop flirting w/her at work. She probably only wants you as a friend and avoids social situations w/you because of that. If she was interested i think you would know.

That's the problem. I haven't been flirting with her, but yet she seems to be flirting with me. And if she wants us to be just friends, why does she do this? Or is this the part where men aren't suppose to understand women? If she just wants to be friends, that's fine, but I would like her to come out and say that instead of avoiding the issue. I guess I'm wishing for too much.

Just one more thing...guys don't read women's signals too well (at least I don't) and this women is definitely flirting with me at the very least. I don't know how to stop her from doing this unless I act like a big jerk which I don't want to do.

 

[livechange]

Do you notice her flirting with other people? I've known girls like this, and most of the time they flirt with all of the guys (or at least more than just me). If it's just you, then maybe she's playing hard-to-get.

 

[SuperTech]

Do you notice her flirting with other people? I've known girls like this, and most of the time they flirt with all of the guys (or at least more than just me). If it's just you, then maybe she's playing hard-to-get.

No, I don't. Although during the 2 month "break-off" she buddied up with one of my other male co-workers and she totally ignored me and made it obvious she was doing that. However, since I have been nice to her again this little game has started back up.

 

[KeilCoppes]

Just a note, the past is past. Go with today - people do change their perspectives. Sounds promising. Just be careful - work relationships need to proceed very cautiously.

 

[Breetai]

Do you notice her flirting with other people? I've known girls like this, and most of the time they flirt with all of the guys (or at least more than just me). If it's just you, then maybe she's playing hard-to-get.

That's sort of what I was thinking. I was thinking that she was just a flirt. Getting reactions from guys probably gets her off. She doesn't have to be doing this with anyone else to still be a shameless flirt though. She could be doing it with you until you ignore her, then does it with someone else(like another co-worker).

Do you know if she's a Christian or not? Does she have an outgoing personnality or a shy one?

If I were you, I'd just ignore all of her flirtations. Or, flirt back twice as hard and see how she reacts.

 

[Jaegang72]

Bro, what Nico says has some weight but I suspect it's not like she is evil and wants to mess with you. I think it might just be her subconsciously doing it.

A few pointers:

1) She is not romantically interested in you. If she was, she would have given you enough cues to procede.

2) People like to be wanted. When you withdrew that, she might subconsciously just wanted you to be interested in her. So she might be giving you some low key cues. It's mix messages.

3) You need closure in this matter or it can stuff you up romantically / emotionally. Treat her like you would someone whom you are not interested in. Do not stare at her. Be curteous.

4) Pray for closure.

cheers

Jae

 

[FaithfulServant]

I haven't read many of the other posts, so forgive me if I'm repeating someone.

There is a VERY VERY strong possibility this woman knows you still ike her. Some women feed off of knowing that they have men who are interested in them because it makes them feel like they are still beautiful. In my opinion, she most likely doesn't have an interest in you, but wants you to keep having an interest in her. I know this all sounds like a sick game, and it is. Welcome to the way some women work. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

God Bless ,

Steffani

 

[72_Chev_Truck]

well, im gonna quote ace troubleshooter on this one. (out of the song dont trust that girl)

Women, Can't live with em, can't shoot em

 

[SuperTech]

Thanks for the advice guys, I really do appreciate it. I will try to continue to ignore her. The consensus seems to not confront her on her behavior.

To answer Breetai: she is Catholic (I believe she doesn't go to weekly services ) and has an outgoing personality.

 

[Breetai]

I haven't read many of the other posts, so forgive me if I'm repeating someone.

There is a VERY VERY strong possibility this woman knows you still ike her. Some women feed off of knowing that they have men who are interested in them because it makes them feel like they are still beautiful. In my opinion, she most likely doesn't have an interest in you, but wants you to keep having an interest in her. I know this all sounds like a sick game, and it is. Welcome to the way some women work. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

That's my assumption. I think that Steffani worded it much better than I could.

To answer Breetai: she is Catholic (I believe she doesn't go to weekly services ) and has an outgoing personality.

In other words, she isn't a practicing Christian. That probably means that anything goes with her and that Christ isn't first in her life. Her having an outgoing personnality just makes it more likely that she is indeed playing games.

 

[boilerblues]

Danger Will Robinson! Danger!

I would guess she just likes the attention, you're a play toy for her. She knows she can jerk you around and she's enjoying that. I'd stay far, far away and make sure you don't put yourself in a dangerous situation (ala Joseph and Potipher's wife). I wouldn't give any thought to a relationship. If she's not a Christian you need to stay away. If she is a Christian she's showing very poor character and you need to stay away. This just sounds like a bad situation, I'd say away. Did I mention you should stay away?

 

[fluffy_rainbow]

Allow me to put my spin on this, if I may. First things first, you allowed the pain of rejection brew into unjust anger and a bitter attitude against this woman. Maybe she really had to go to the drug store. Maybe she had a legitimate reason she couldn't spend some time with you, but once you took it personally and started giving her attitude thinking she blew you off it made her defensive and she reciprocated with the same cold attitude. You say you forgave her, but really shouldn't you be the one who needs forgiveness? Did you apologize to her for your actions and she did the same for you? That's the problem here. Selfishness. You felt she owed you something and when it appeared (and I use the term "appeared" because, like I said, she may have really needed to go somewhere after work) she didn't return your romantic feelings you felt hurt and betrayed and you conveyed that message of hatred to her. So my question is, why do you feel like you needed to forgive her? She didn't do anything wrong in not being able to see you after work.

Now, I may be jumping the gun here as I was not present during this incident and I don't know how she acted towards you first. Was she really nasty and rude to you about it, or were you more put off by the fact that you felt rejected by her simply not being able to make the time to spend with you? If she was ugly about it, then I can understand.

There is an unwritten law in the workplace - you don't date your co-workers. It's just not kosher and I think you see why. It's easy to become deeply attracted to someone you work with. Why?

1. You see them all the time.
2. At work they most likely aren't being phony as opposed to putting on your "date face" in a casual dating environment. You're more likely to see the real person in a work setting.
3. You already have one thing in common; your chosen profession. It gives you someone to talk about it with. Someone you vent to when things at work go awry.

Reasons why you shouldn't date someone you work with:

1. When you are romantically involved with someone at work it tends to distract you from your work-related responsibilities.
2. Believe it or not, it makes your co-workers uneasy.
3. When things turn sour it mucks everything up. Co-workers end up involved in the mess. Not to mention, if it ends on a really bad note, who leaves the job? You....or them?

I honestly think the damage has already been done. You allowed yourself to be so infatuated with this woman that you (deep down in your heart) felt like you owned her. So when she didn't have time to spend with you, you snapped and it messed up any chances of a romantic involvement, potential friendship, and caused a rift between you two at work. I say in this situation, maintain professionality. Be kind to her, but not so kind that she gets the impression you want a relationship (even if you think you do). Don't respond to her flirtations. Just try the best you can to act like you did towards her before you felt romantically attracted to her.

 

[Tuffguy]

LOL ^^^ You have lots of time!!!!

It comes down to 2 things.
1) Date her
2) Don't date her

Thats what i'd be thinking at least. Having not seen a full body picture of her, i'm leaning for the 2nd option of not dating her. Face it,, theres some bad blood and you both are probally a bit to blame. I have alot of pride w/this type of thing. Personally, i would move on.

 

[SuperTech]

So my question is, why do you feel like you needed to forgive her? She didn't do anything wrong in not being able to see you after work.

I asked her for 5 minutes out of her day and I asked for this 5 minutes twice. The second time I asked she totally started making lame excuses. I waited until the end of the week to see if she would ask me what I wanted, but she never did and then I did the cold shoulder routine. You have to realize we were good friends (or so I thought) and I felt like this was a big slap in a face to myself and that she was playing mind games with me. If she didn't want a relationship, that was fine, but I felt I deserved to be heard and wanted an answer for her behavior (she told me other people thought we were boyfriend and girlfriend and we both joked about that). And she invited me out to our company's picnic with all of her brothers and sisters, so it wasn't like she was scared of me or anything.

Granted, I gave very little details on what happened before hand and could go deeper, but I didn't feel that was necessary.

Was she really nasty and rude to you about it, or were you more put off by the fact that you felt rejected by her simply not being able to make the time to spend with you? If she was ugly about it, then I can understand.

No, she was not rude and nasty, but blowing someone off is not much better!

I honestly think the damage has already been done. You allowed yourself to be so infatuated with this woman that you (deep down in your heart) felt like you owned her.

Wrong! I don't/didn't own her, but I felt I deserved to be heard as a friend. How would you feel if your friend suddenly stopped taking your phone calls for no reason?

 

[fluffy_rainbow]

You have lots of time!!!!

Indeed LOL

I asked her for 5 minutes out of her day and I asked for this 5 minutes twice. The second time I asked she totally started making lame excuses.

What was the lame excuse? That she needed to run to the pharmacy? What if she needed to pick up a prescription or hey, not trying to be gross or blunt but sometimes us women have to make "emergency tampon" runs to the store. It could have been alot of things. I honestly don't think it was intentional. And did you say, "hey, can I borrow five minutes of your time after work" or did you just ask her if she could spend some time with you?

You have to realize we were good friends (or so I thought) and I felt like this was a big slap in a face to myself and that she was playing mind games with me.

Okay, I have a very good male friend. One time I was having some relationship problems and I asked him if he could spare me some time after work so I could vent. He said, "I have to do homework tonight". Yes, I was hurt but you know what I found out? He told my dad (whom he is also close with) that he really wanted to hear me out, but didn't want to dishonor me by allowing me to rant about my relationship problems to him. He was guarding my heart. He told my dad that he felt that conversation would be better suited for my sister or mother. He wasn't blowing me off and playing mind games. He had my best interests in mind.

If she didn't want a relationship, that was fine, but I felt I deserved to be heard and wanted an answer for her behavior

She was your friend. She didn't owe you an explanation as to why she was kind to you.

she told me other people thought we were boyfriend and girlfriend and we both joked about that). And she invited me out to our company's picnic with all of her brothers and sisters, so it wasn't like she was scared of me or anything.

And? My male friend (the same one I mentioned above) comes and plays poker with my family every other Saturday night. I've met his family. I even bought his daughter birthday presents and took him out for his birthday dinner. That still doesn't mean I have the right to demand an explanation from him as to why he sometimes makes semi-flirtatious comments or act like he owes me his time.

No, she was not rude and nasty, but blowing someone off is not much better!

Okay, but you don't know she was really blowing you off just because she felt like being hateful. Did you even ask her why she was avoiding your requests to spend some time together before you launched an all-out emotional assault on her? I doubt it. You acted unkindly towards her based upon an assumption. You owe her the apology.

Wrong! I don't/didn't own her, but I felt I deserved to be heard as a friend.

Herein lies your problem. No, you don't own her. I said somewhere deep down inside you had placed a sense of ownership over her to the point where if she didn't drop everything in her life to spend time with you, you treated her like dirt. The problem here is that you don't really know how to be someone's friend. You feel that just because you two were friends at work meant that you deserved her time outside of the work environment. When you're friends with someone it's selfless. You want to serve the other person. You don't act nasty towards a friend the first time they can't accomodate you in the manner you think is appropriate. Friendship isn't about what you deserve in return for being friends with someone.

How would you feel if your friend suddenly stopped taking your phone calls for no reason?

I wouldn't sweat it, in all honesty. I mean, were you two friends outside of work or did you just get along well in the workplace? If you only got along well at work, then perhaps she didn't want to compromise both of your professionality by spending time together outside of the office. That makes sense. And did she not return your calls before or after your temper tantrum?

I'm not saying this to be mean, but I think you really need to pray seriously about your attitudes about friendship. Read what the Bible says about friends and I would highly recommend (if you haven't already) apologizing to this girl. Just be honest about the miscommunication. Let her know that you assumed she was deliberately avoiding you and it hurt your feelings.

"A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly:
and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother."
~Proverbs 18:24~
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