Underlying personality traits?

[fred414]

[this website does not seem to like the word bi_tch, but seriously im not using the word in that context... there is just no other way to describe it. Apologies... if a mod disagrees with me they are welcome to find a synonim]

Hey there
I've been dating my gf for a couple months now, and so far i haven't seen any signs of stubbornness, bi_tchiness or generally controlling / manipulative behaviour... but recently I've noticed it surfacing in her other relationships. We've spoken about it and she acknowledges that she can be very stubborn and bi_tchy (those are her words not mine) but assures me it wont come into our relationship... which of course i am very skeptical of. She shows no real desire to try and change those traits of hers, just she says it wont affect us. Is this even possible?? We know each other reeeeally well and are incredibly close, but while it may have stayed away til now, surely it will come in later?

So what am i suposed to do? Gently try and talk to her about overcoming those traits, or just ignore it and wait to see if it comes into our relationship? Those traits are deal breakers for me - i honestly can't see myself dating / marrying someone who displays those characteristics in a relationship.

And when i talk about "change" I cannot accept the whole "do not change your partner" concept that my parents have told me for years... stubbornness and bi_tchiness is hardly a desirable characteristic to have in any situation really, i mean if i was in her position i'd be glad to have someone support me in overcoming that. Because of those traits her friendship with her best friend was completely destroyed. Her mother also has those charcteristics so if my gf has been exposed to that for a while, is it even possible to change that? I really love her and I'd hate to lose her over this...

Thanks

 

[K9_Trainer]

There's a good chance that they may arise later in the relationship.

It's really up to you to determine just how much that's going to bother you, if that side of her starts showing up. It may not be as bad as she says, you may be able to tolerate it. Or you may not.

As for the do not change your partner concept you've been taught, I'm not entirely sure how to explain this while making sense.....But not all change is bad. No, you shouldn't change your partner, or change who she is (like, try to draw her away from her passions or dreams, or change her personality). But in a relationship, change is inevitable if you want it to work out. She will need to change and make compromises for you, just as you will need to do for her. She may need to try to change and learn to control her emotions and anger so she's not being crabby and taking it out on you. But you may need to change and learn to put up with a tolerable amount of it. I can totally see why it's a deal breaker for you, but I'm sure that if she's willing to put the effort in to change it, you might be willing to let it go a little.

 

[fred414]

As for the do not change your partner concept you've been taught, I'm not entirely sure how to explain this while making sense.....But not all change is bad. No, you shouldn't change your partner, or change who she is (like, try to draw her away from her passions or dreams, or change her personality). But in a relationship, change is inevitable if you want it to work out. She will need to change and make compromises for you, just as you will need to do for her.

that's exactly the point i'm trying to make

She may need to try to change and learn to control her emotions and anger so she's not being crabby and taking it out on you. But you may need to change and learn to put up with a tolerable amount of it. I can totally see why it's a deal breaker for you, but I'm sure that if she's willing to put the effort in to change it, you might be willing to let it go a little.

Thanks there's been a similar situation except i was the one needing to change... which I have done. I would be willing to compromise on my side if i saw she was willing to try and control those aspects of her personality, but just the vibe i get from her is that she doesn't want to. Would I be asking for trouble to bring this up again as it is naturally quite a sensitive subject?

And also, if her mother is exactly like this, how likely is it that she would be able to change? considering that's the only model she's known...?

 

[BeanMak]

How about stubborness gets you to your goal? A woman is bi_tchy, a man knows what he wants. A woman is controlling, a man is take charge.
Maybe rethink your assessment of her character traits

 

[K9_Trainer]

that's exactly the point i'm trying to make



Thanks there's been a similar situation except i was the one needing to change... which I have done. I would be willing to compromise on my side if i saw she was willing to try and control those aspects of her personality, but just the vibe i get from her is that she doesn't want to. Would I be asking for trouble to bring this up again as it is naturally quite a sensitive subject?

And also, if her mother is exactly like this, how likely is it that she would be able to change? considering that's the only model she's known...?

If it's worrying you, by all means bring it up. Communication is important in a relationship, if you can't feel comfortable telling her about your worries and fears (no matter how big or small lthey are), and she can't discuss it maturely with you without rolling her eyes or trying to dismiss you, then obviously you've got a problem. You shouldn't have to be keeping things inside or avoiding certain subjects to avoid a conflict.

The only thing you can do right now is just continue to love her and treat her right. Those things might come up, they might not. They might not even effect your relationship as she suggested. You'll just have to wait and see.

 

[Beautiful Fireball]

How about stubborness gets you to your goal? A woman is bi_tchy, a man knows what he wants. A woman is controlling, a man is take charge.
Maybe rethink your assessment of her character traits

Honestly, it sounds like you want a doormat. Good luck with that one