unapropriate actions

[today]

I have a question about a marriage.
I called my wife the other dayand she was at lunch with who she called her boss, I was unsure if this was the case, and felt very nervous about what was going on. I said I had to go because I was going to let her finish her lunch with the "Boss", in which I have never met. 10 Min later I was called back by her and she stated that she new what I was thinking and that she was not cheating on me and everything was OK.
I was very upset that she would be at lunch with anyone alone, with out other friends. I told her I was not happy that she was there with him. I have a feeling of not being able to trust her, because she stated to me she should have lied about who she was at lunch with, because it was nothing.
I think Iam more worried about the statement "lie" than I am the lunch. Are my feelings justified and should I be worried about this.

 

[today]

I have a question about a marriage.
I called my wife the other dayand she was at lunch with who she called her boss, I was unsure if this was the case, and felt very nervous about what was going on. I said I had to go because I was going to let her finish her lunch with the "Boss", in which I have never met. 10 Min later I was called back by her and she stated that she new what I was thinking and that she was not cheating on me and everything was OK.
I was very upset that she would be at lunch with anyone alone, with out other friends. I told her I was not happy that she was there with him. I have a feeling of not being able to trust her, because she stated to me she should have lied about who she was at lunch with, because it was nothing.
I think Iam more worried about the statement "lie" than I am the lunch. Are my feelings justified and should I be worried about this. please give me your opinion on this.

 

[Archivist]

My secretary and I occassionally go out to lunch together, particularly if we have just finished a big project. I've always seen it as a chance to unwind and a way to reward her for her hard work and I've certainly never seen anything wrong with doing it. Of course, she is almost 20 years older than me, we have been working together for 15 years, I am good friends with her husband and the restaurant we go to is within a short walking distance.

In any event, I doubt that you have anything to worry about. If you are concerned, make an effort to get to know "the boss" so that you can better evaluate the situation.

 

[Flipper]

I go to lunch with my boss quite a bit. My husband knows and does not have a problem with it. In fact, when I'm assisting him in trial, we are working alone together late into the night for a week at a time - it's part of the job. We're both professionals and there is no problem.

There may be an insecurity issue on your part if she feels like she has to lie to you in doing something that she would normally tell you and is probably harmless. I hope you both have considered counseling.

 

[karla]

Has she given you reasons to distrust her in past? If not, then I don't see a problem with it. I trust my husband and he trusts me. If he were to go to lunch with a female boss or coworker for that matter I wouldn't really have a problem with it. I have several male friends and my husband trusts me completely to be alone with them. I would say you may have overreacted a bit, but I still don't think that she saying she should have lied to you was a good thing. Talk with her about how you feel and be open to hear what she has to say.

 

[Tangnefedd]

My husband would take out his female colleagues for meals on a regular basis. Even though he has retired he still has lunch with one or another of them from time to time. I don't think he is having an affair with them! He would be quite happy if I wished to lunch with another man. It is all a matter of trust.

 

[msjones21]

In my opinion, you're making a mountain out of a molehill. It sounds like you're incredibly insecure and that's probably why she said it would have been better to have lied. If you keep hassling her about it, she will get angry and resentful of your feelings. Unless she has blatantly done something (other than going to lunch with her boss) to cause you to distrust her, then you at least owe her the benefit of the doubt.

 

[jenptcfan]

I can't imagine why it should be such a big deal unless she's given you a reason to distrust her in the past or she's confided in you that she is attracted to her boss.

 

[Svt4Him]

It's a big deal if you say you don't like it, and she does it anyway. There are things I don't do because my wife doesn't like it, and if I thought it was more important than my wife's feelings, I'd have to wonder why.

 

[lucypevensie]

It's a big deal if you say you don't like it, and she does it anyway. There are things I don't do because my wife doesn't like it, and if I thought it was more important than my wife's feelings, I'd have to wonder why.

I agree with this.

 

[SirKenin]

No, you don't have the right to be jealous and insecure, and that's exactly what you are. If your wife can't even go out to lunch with her boss, there's a very serious problem there, and that problem is within you, forgive me for being blunt.

If your wife isn't free to have lunch with a coworker, go out with her friends, attend events on her own you're in for a very rocky ride. Don't be surprised if your actions push her away, or heaven forbid into the arms of another man (I don't care what anyone says, I've seen this happen so I know it to be true).

You should be seeking therapy to find out why it is that you are so insecure and deal with that issue. It will help you and yours a great deal.

Good luck and try to loosen up, both for her sake and for yours. Life will be a lot more pleasant.

 

[jshanks3]

If your wife can't even go out to lunch with her boss, there's a very serious problem there, and that problem is within you, forgive me for being blunt.

You should be seeking therapy to find out why it is that you are so insecure and deal with that issue.

I agree that it is a 'problem' with trust, but I think that issues such as these should be worked through together. Certain things have to be dealt with on an individual basis with God, but your spouse should be involved for at least support.

People don't distrust if they don't have reason too, even if their reason has nothing to do with the person or situation in question. If someone has had experiences in the past that cause distrust then they certainly to need to confront those, but for a spouse to say 'its your problem and you need to deal with it because I know its not wrong', that only adds to the pain from the past. A spouse should be supportive and even refrain from the issue until the other person has dealt with what they need to deal with.

My wife and I are reading through 'Changes that Heal' by Henry Cloud. This book is great for sorting through pain, loneliness, distrust, depression and the like.

I think the reason she is tempted to lie is out of frustration and because she cares about you at the same time. She 'knows' its not wrong and knows that she is not sinning, but she also knows that telling you will hurt you. Lying is just like ignoring the problem and hoping it goes away.

I hope you two are able to talk about this and find out exactly why it hurts you.

God Bless!

 

[wheels4Christ]

Sorry brother that these events are affecting you so. Please ask God to reveal what you seek to answers to. Because unlike these fellow posters that think they can see everything, ONLY God knows for sure.

1 Corinthians 2:10 - God has revealed to us through the Spirit. For the Spirit searches everything, even the depths of God.

10 Min later I was called back by her and she stated that she new what I was thinking and that she was not cheating on me and everything was OK.

Yes, that does sound weird. What does it mean? I dont know. Still weird that she would jump to conclusion that you were accusing her of cheating. Maybe its a assurance. Heck, maybe its guilt taking over from her? Who knows.

I was very upset that she would be at lunch with anyone alone, with out other friends. I told her I was not happy that she was there with him.

I may be booed at but I will say... you have a right to unhappy of situation. As a husband you have every right to know the situation. Is it because you are a control freak? NO! but she is alone with this person... ummm hey.. you never know what could happen. You are concern. Nothing wrong with being concern.

I have a feeling of not being able to trust her, because she stated to me she should have lied about who she was at lunch with, because it was nothing.

Again, weird. So she says she SHOULD have lied it was someone else? LIED to ease your mistrust? Hmmmmm. See... I hope I am wrong. But these are red flags in my opinion. Seriously, if she was so sure on her lunch being "nothing" then she should be able to stand on her whole honesty. Then the issue would be your lack of ability to trust her. But since she throws this twist into it... just kinda makes you wonder. Which I can understand.

Are my feelings justified and should I be worried about this.

Well, you know you are worried so dont ask if you should be. As far as justified... hey who am I to say you are? Be your own person with a Christian mentaily and way of dealing with it.

Talk with your wife. Express to her your concerns. Admit your lack of trust if need be. She can either help ease your trust by not putting herself in those situations OR she can stiff you as this is your own problem.

But I will tell you this.. a loving wife will never make her husband feel uncomfortable. And a devoted wife will forgive your short comings.. yeah including not trusting. God bless.

 

[charligirl]

Yes, that does sound weird. What does it mean? I dont know. Still weird that she would jump to conclusion that you were accusing her of cheating. Maybe its a assurance. Heck, maybe its guilt taking over from her? Who knows.

I may be booed at but I will say... you have a right to unhappy of situation. As a husband you have every right to know the situation. Is it because you are a control freak? NO! but she is alone with this person... ummm hey.. you never know what could happen. You are concern. Nothing wrong with being concern.


Again, weird. So she says she SHOULD have lied it was someone else? LIED to ease your mistrust? Hmmmmm. See... I hope I am wrong. But these are red flags in my opinion. Seriously, if she was so sure on her lunch being "nothing" then she should be able to stand on her whole honesty. Then the issue would be your lack of ability to trust her. But since she throws this twist into it... just kinda makes you wonder. Which I can understand.

I disagree, I can completely understand why his wife responded as she did and why she rang back after 10 minutes. She probably would have known from his voice that he was unhappy, it also may be something that has arisen before... there could be many reasons we don;t know about why she knew he would be worrying, so to allay his fears she calls him to assure him he has no cause to worry.

If he then continues to tell her that he is unhappy she is out with her boss etc etc it is quite understandable that she would get exasperated at his attitude, she is innocent and it's not like it was a social lunch with a male friend it's her boss and a work thing.

The fact is she told the truth and she's still getting flack, In a moment of irritation it would be easy to come out with a comment such as 'I should have lied then we wouldn't be having this conversation' It's not the right way to handle it, nor a helpful comment, but an understandable one.

Work is work and sometimes you have to have lunches with male colleagues or clients.. I do, it's part of my job!

If I told my boss I couldn't have lunch with him because my husband wasn't happy about it it could seriously affect my job!!! I can understand that you wouldn't be happy with your wife having lunches alone with male friends willy nilly, but this is not the case.

From what you have told us, unless you have good reason not to trust her, like she has been unfaithful in the past, then it sounds like you have a real problem with insecurity and jealousy which you really need to address.

Talk to your wife about it, explain how it makes you feel, work on it together, pray and if neccessarily get councelling, don't let it drive a wedge between you.

 

[SirKenin]

Charli, I agree and was about to post the same thing. Women can pick up on tones in a man's voice. She probably already knew what he was thinking by his line of questioning and called him back to assure him.

 

[wheels4Christ]

2 things you said makes me wonder....

I disagree, I can completely understand why his wife responded as she did and why she rang back after 10 minutes. She probably would have known from his voice that he was unhappy, it also may be something that has arisen before... there could be many reasons we don;t know about why she knew he would be worrying, so to allay his fears she calls him to assure him he has no cause to worry.

But then you state

The fact is she told the truth and she's still getting flack,

Please explain... because you start off saying you REALLY don't know situation... and you give a sample which supports the wife side only. Not very fair.

Then in next paragraph, you point out that it is a FACT she told the truth?! Wow. When did God give you the gift to see into their life?

and last quote,

Work is work and sometimes you have to have lunches with male colleagues or clients.. I do, it's part of my job!

Not all jobs requires lunches with colleagues or clients or boss. Maybe wife worked in say.... shipping and receiving? Just saying.... because I DONT REALLY KNOW... but if she did... I would be kinda concern.

God bless. (Editted the word "NOT" into "Not very fair." so as to not confuse my sacrasm.

 

[charligirl]

2 things you said makes me wonder....


Please explain... because you start off saying you REALLY don't know situation... and you give a sample which supports the wife side only. Not very fair.

I said there could be a number of reasons why she knew he was worrying, for example, the tone of his voice. But in general I have taken her side - for the point of the post I am assuming her innocence until proven guilty (which is a basic right in the UK) The OP has not given any evidence, reason or supporting facts for me to assume otherwise.

I was merely playing devil's advocate and suggesting reasons why her calling him back and suggesting she could have lied are not neccessarily 'red flags', as you put it, and do not condemn her to possible adultery.

Then in next paragraph, you point out that it is a FACT she told the truth?! Wow. When did God give you the gift to see into their life?.

True I should have not have used the word FACT, I should have said 'as far a we know she told the truth and is still getting flack'

Not all jobs requires lunches with colleagues or clients or boss. Maybe wife worked in say.... shipping and receiving? Just saying.... because I DONT REALLY KNOW... but if she did... I would be kinda concern.

I never suggested they did, I used the word sometimes, and even if it was not the usual requirements of the job many bosses take their staff to lunch as a perk to show appreciation and say 'well done, thank you for your hard work.'

To suggest that one lunch with a boss, that was in no way concealed, would 'kinda concern' a husband speaks volumes about where he is at in his head.

 

[Whitestone]

I have heard that some say it should be ok to go out with a boss for lunch, but my question is what is more important Spouse or Work?

The husband is supposed to be the head of the house hold, if the husband is making a reasonable request (that is not contrary to scripture in anyway) the wife should listen and accept it.

If my wife asked me not have lunch with a co-worker or my boss, I stop having lunch with them. My job will be there for eight hours a day til the day I retire, My wife will be there for twenty-four hours a day til the day I die. Thats' my perspective.

Whitestone

 

[SirKenin]

Huh??? Whitestone, please PLEASE tell me you can't be serious. No husband in his right mind should have his wife make a choice between a good job and him. My goodness.

I can tell you already what my choice would be if I was the wife... CYA!!!

 

[charligirl]

The husband is supposed to be the head of the house hold, if the husband is making a reasonable request (that is not contrary to scripture in anyway) the wife should listen and accept it.

Absolutely... if it IS reasonable.

Of course our spouse comes above work, BUT, we are also called to submit to our bosses authority at work and in some cases, depending on their character, it could be nearly impossible to say no to a request.

Depending on the situation, if this is a one off or infrequent occurance, and there is no reason to suppose temptation or inappropriate behaviour, I don't think this request is neccessarily reasonable, particularly if it could jeopardise the wife's career.

If on the other hand she has a problem with being faithful, or the boss is a shark with other intentions, or it is happening frequently for no justifiable reason then it could be a reasonable request.