Unable to trust?

[AgapeGrace]

I'm finding it really hard to trust my boyfriend. I mean we generally have a good relationship but things in the past have ruined things. He's left me and gone on breaks so many times, and then comes back for a while then goes, and I think he likes another girl (I'm not going to say for sure because I shouldn't jump to a conclusion about it). Its been steady for about 6 months now (with no breaks) but I am completely on edge, I cannot stand him being within a 10 mile radius of any women, I cannot talk to him about anything because I have a panic attack every time we do. I cannot sleep or eat very well because I'm too anxious I don't really know whether or not to try and make it work

 

[NiobiumTragedy]

You really already know the only answer: you need to let him go. You're in a toxic relationship that sounds like it's way beyond the aspect of repair or even worth the time trying and you're basing your relationship on those butterfly feelings or simply not wanting to let go. You just need to treat this like a bandaid and get it done. It may be hard for a week or so, but you'll feel so much better without that anxiety.

The thing you need to realize is that you do not love him, you like the idea of him in the perfect setting in your mind. But without trust, there is no love.

This is something you will need to work on in yourself before you jump into another relationship as well or it will never work out. You need to be able to trust that the person you're with will give you the best side of themselves. If you walk into a relationship with suspicions, it will quickly become toxic and fail. Keep in mind, just because a guy has female friends doesn't mean he's looking to be more than that with them. You'll need to accept that in your next relationship as well so that you don't allow yourself to happen to them what has happened to this one.

 

[Inkachu]

Sounds like you both need a break from this "relationship". You aren't happy, and this isn't a sound, healthy relationship whatsoever. Better to be single and independent and keep your pride IMHO.

 

[barefeetonholyground]

I'm finding it really hard to trust my boyfriend. I mean we generally have a good relationship but things in the past have ruined things. He's left me and gone on breaks so many times, and then comes back for a while then goes, and I think he likes another girl (I'm not going to say for sure because I shouldn't jump to a conclusion about it). Its been steady for about 6 months now (with no breaks) but I am completely on edge, I cannot stand him being within a 10 mile radius of any women, I cannot talk to him about anything because I have a panic attack every time we do. I cannot sleep or eat very well because I'm too anxious I don't really know whether or not to try and make it work

Sounds like an unhealthy relationship. I would advise running.
I would also suggest finding some counseling in your church because the instability of this relationship is probably affecting you more deeply than you realize.

 

[Luther073082]

You really already know the only answer: you need to let him go. You're in a toxic relationship that sounds like it's way beyond the aspect of repair or even worth the time trying and you're basing your relationship on those butterfly feelings or simply not wanting to let go. You just need to treat this like a bandaid and get it done. It may be hard for a week or so, but you'll feel so much better without that anxiety.

The thing you need to realize is that you do not love him, you like the idea of him in the perfect setting in your mind. But without trust, there is no love.

This is something you will need to work on in yourself before you jump into another relationship as well or it will never work out. You need to be able to trust that the person you're with will give you the best side of themselves. If you walk into a relationship with suspicions, it will quickly become toxic and fail. Keep in mind, just because a guy has female friends doesn't mean he's looking to be more than that with them. You'll need to accept that in your next relationship as well so that you don't allow yourself to happen to them what has happened to this one.

I just want to throw this out there. . . I don't know that this is necessarily the case.

You make it sound like she just has issues trusting him.

My thought is that she has issues that you needs to seek some counciling over.

Its like she's already decided that he's going to cheat. And something that stands out to me is the panic attacks and the comment that you can't stand him being within 10 miles of another woman.

For the record: What do you mean he would go on "breaks". . . Do you mean you two would break up for a short amount of time?

Has he given you a reason not to trust him?

Either way I think you need to get some help with this. Because it sounds to me like you have some massive phobia that your boyfriend is going to cheat on you.

 

[AgapeGrace]

I just want to throw this out there. . . I don't know that this is necessarily the case.

You make it sound like she just has issues trusting him.

My thought is that she has issues that you needs to seek some counciling over.

Its like she's already decided that he's going to cheat. And something that stands out to me is the panic attacks and the comment that you can't stand him being within 10 miles of another woman.

For the record: What do you mean he would go on "breaks". . . Do you mean you two would break up for a short amount of time?

Has he given you a reason not to trust him?

Either way I think you need to get some help with this. Because it sounds to me like you have some massive phobia that your boyfriend is going to cheat on you.

Firstly thank you, it seems you have understood my issues I'll try to explain the "breaks" but I never understood them myself he just kind of varnishes for ages and then comes back...

I trusted him completely when we first got together, after about a month he decided we should go on a break I didn't understand why, after a week we got back together, then another 2 times he disappeared and I had no idea where he went he or anything he left for 3 days one time, and 2 days the other time. He took a break from me for a month again and came back to me, then another time he left me for a few days then came back. they are between a few days - a month at a time. We've been going steady for 6 months with no breaks though now. So sometimes its been, he goes without a trace, other times he's asked not to talk for a while...and others he's outright broken up with me. Each time I tried to trust him again, and each time the trust has got smaller and smaller until I just cracked under the pressure.

I admit I have a phobia he may cheat on me...but why is he taking all these breaks? I don't understand them? He's given me no reason to trust him since he kept doing these breaks and disappearing acts, he never explained to me why he does it. One minute he's telling me we'll be together forever, and the next he's no where to be found?! I keep trying to get to the bottom of it but he's really shady with his comments...I'm just not sure what's happening? I don't want to be dangling on a piece of string for the rest of my life but I really do love him.

 

[Luther073082]

Firstly thank you, it seems you have understood my issues I'll try to explain the "breaks" but I never understood them myself he just kind of varnishes for ages and then comes back...

I trusted him completely when we first got together, after about a month he decided we should go on a break I didn't understand why, after a week we got back together, then another 2 times he disappeared and I had no idea where he went he or anything he left for 3 days one time, and 2 days the other time. He took a break from me for a month again and came back to me, then another time he left me for a few days then came back. they are between a few days - a month at a time. We've been going steady for 6 months with no breaks though now. So sometimes its been, he goes without a trace, other times he's asked not to talk for a while...and others he's outright broken up with me. Each time I tried to trust him again, and each time the trust has got smaller and smaller until I just cracked under the pressure.

I admit I have a phobia he may cheat on me...but why is he taking all these breaks? I don't understand them? He's given me no reason to trust him since he kept doing these breaks and disappearing acts, he never explained to me why he does it. One minute he's telling me we'll be together forever, and the next he's no where to be found?! I keep trying to get to the bottom of it but he's really shady with his comments...I'm just not sure what's happening? I don't want to be dangling on a piece of string for the rest of my life but I really do love him.

Any chance he works for MI6??

As for the breaks, I think you need answers or you need to end it.

I can see why you don't trust him but its expressing itself in the wrong ways. It seems to me your focus should be on "is he going to be stable and be there when I need him?" instead of on "him being within 10 miles of another woman."

Either way he's not consistant and if he doesn't have good reasons as to why he's just disappearing for weeks or even months.

Honestly I would give him a chance to answer but I would most likely end the relationship and cease contact anyways. Because about the only answer that I would accept would be one where he works in the intelligence community and has to go someplace without telling anyone when or where.

But I doubt this is the case.

You just can't have this. If my wife did something like this when we where dating, I would be highly upset. Have you ever gotten to the point where you've considered reporting him missing to the police? Because honestly if it where my wife I'd report her missing the minute the mandated 24 hours where up. AND I DO MEAN THE VERY MINUTE.

Taking off without ever telling someone where you are going or how you can be reached like that is just irresponsible.

 

[AgapeGrace]

Any chance he works for MI6??

As for the breaks, I think you need answers or you need to end it.

I can see why you don't trust him but its expressing itself in the wrong ways. It seems to me your focus should be on "is he going to be stable and be there when I need him?" instead of on "him being within 10 miles of another woman."

Either way he's not consistant and if he doesn't have good reasons as to why he's just disappearing for weeks or even months.

Honestly I would give him a chance to answer but I would most likely end the relationship and cease contact anyways. Because about the only answer that I would accept would be one where he works in the intelligence community and has to go someplace without telling anyone when or where.

But I doubt this is the case.

You just can't have this. If my wife did something like this when we where dating, I would be highly upset. Have you ever gotten to the point where you've considered reporting him missing to the police? Because honestly if it where my wife I'd report her missing the minute the mandated 24 hours where up. AND I DO MEAN THE VERY MINUTE.

Taking off without ever telling someone where you are going or how you can be reached like that is just irresponsible.

I have actually called the police and missing persons on him before but after a couple of times of him doing this I couldn't do it any more for fear of getting finned for wasting police time.

I think he's got some problems he needs to sort, but I want us to sort it and then be happy together - not sure if that can ever happen though? I just keep think its been 6 months...its the longest time we've been together without breaks or him vanishing...its possible he sorted his issues...and now is ok?

 

[Luther073082]

I have actually called the police and missing persons on him before but after a couple of times of him doing this I couldn't do it any more for fear of getting finned for wasting police time.

I think he's got some problems he needs to sort, but I want us to sort it and then be happy together - not sure if that can ever happen though? I just keep think its been 6 months...its the longest time we've been together without breaks or him vanishing...its possible he sorted his issues...and now is ok?

Hmm maybe, but I would still try and find out what he was up to. I guess I misunderstood. I thought you where saying you've been together for 6 months and he's been doing this on and off over those 6 months.

Maybe he had a good reason to go, I don't know, but I think its important to find out why in order to establish if you can trust him or not. But things still don't look good for him. The only positive is that apparently he hasn't done it in a while.

But this is just important and if you are having a panic attack about talking about this then you have some problems that you need to work out.

Listen. . . you can't be afraid to lose this guy. Maybe he's awesome but random disappearing acts don't make this guy all that great of a catch. And unless you can know its not going to happen anymore, definatly not marriage material.

The rest of the stuff, the not wanting him within 10 miles of another woman. Thats just something you have to work out on your own if you decide you can trust him. Because you can't carry that level of jealosy with you, its a scary, almost possessive level of jealousy that you shouldn't lower yourself to. If you can trust the guy then there is no sane reason to, and if you can't trust the guy then you need to get rid of him.

 

[NiobiumTragedy]

I just want to throw this out there. . . I don't know that this is necessarily the case.

You make it sound like she just has issues trusting him.

He has his own issues and faults, but there is no point in giving out ammo to fire. The relationship is pretty much dead in the water, so rather than sit here pointing out the things he's done already which are clear as day, it's more productive to bring up issues she will need to work on herself.

Having been in a relationship like this before where there were a lot of trust issues, it won't end with this one. More often than not it gets carried for a long time. Better to nip it quickly.

 

[elenore]

Dump the *&*@#


You're his linus blanket. That isn't respect.

 

[elenore]

PS. And unless you want to remain his linus blanket rather then his partner, you're going to have to dump him.

People can change. But it usually doesn't happen overnight. And often they'll just 'change' to make you happy until you commit to them. Then they go back to doing what they were doing.

If you want respect in a relationship then you have to be worthy of it. Letting people use you is a surefire way to lose it.




*that being said, he might be a nice guy. but without respect you can't really love.

 

[barefeetonholyground]

PS. And unless you want to remain his linus blanket rather then his partner, you're going to have to dump him.

People can change. But it usually doesn't happen overnight. And often they'll just 'change' to make you happy until you commit to them. Then they go back to doing what they were doing.

If you want respect in a relationship then you have to be worthy of it. Letting people use you is a surefire way to lose it.




*that being said, he might be a nice guy. but without respect you can't really love.

What she said. You're not really being loved by this guy. He's making you feel insecure.

 

[Tamara224]

I'm finding it really hard to trust my boyfriend. I mean we generally have a good relationship but things in the past have ruined things. He's left me and gone on breaks so many times, and then comes back for a while then goes, and I think he likes another girl (I'm not going to say for sure because I shouldn't jump to a conclusion about it). Its been steady for about 6 months now (with no breaks) but I am completely on edge, I cannot stand him being within a 10 mile radius of any women, I cannot talk to him about anything because I have a panic attack every time we do. I cannot sleep or eat very well because I'm too anxious I don't really know whether or not to try and make it work

Dump him. Now.

Find a guy who can't wait to tell you everything he did while you are apart and can't wait to hear what you've been up to. I promise, such men exist.

Facts are this: if he doesn't want to communicate with you about what is going on in his life, then he doesn't really want to be in a relationship with you.

You've got the best years of your life ahead of you. It would be tragic if you wasted any more time with someone who doesn't love you.

Life lesson learned: there can be no trust without open communication. It is the foundation of any good relationship.