umm Hi?

[jynx]

I'm cheesie...ask the ppl in the bipolar folder.

I don't know where to start? Umm.. Hi!?!

I was ana as a teenager, and ended up bella as an adult? and its became more of an issue lately. I've been pretty diecent about not binging or the other... ummm... but not so good in the last week.

relapse.

sorta bummed out over it all.

 

[MyaShane]

Hi and welcome!


Unfortunately relapses are all too common. I understand that you'd feel bummed about it. We want to be perfect and we're way too hard on ourselves with this. When you say "not too good in the last week" what's happening? It might help us to help you if we had a better understanding of what's going on with you.

 

[Soulwings]

Hey Jynx Welcome to the other board where I am the most active

So yes, welcome. What's exactly been going on? (Kerin brings up a good point - the more we know, the better we can support. Sharing is what we do here. )

Hang out in here enough and you get to know the people quite well. We're quite a closeknit group in here, moreso than on the bipolar board. At least, I think I can say that?

 

[jynx]

**********trggering beware to tired to edit**************



















I am sleep deprived and sleep typing. abreviated version.

I am physically ill with something docs can't figure out and i will be hospitalized from it most likely (very soon) if they can't stop it. it jst keeps getting worse and taking over more and more of my body. toay is an especially bad bad day for it. nasty rash. extremly swollen (which doens't help self image issues with ED either) and in alot of pain. can't sleep cuz when i lie down weird things happen to my body. it feels like the fluid in my brain is being sucked out ad my eyes sink into my head and get bloodshot.. and...i could go on and on it is really truly wierd.

i had a son, aaron, during this illness (at the time i didn't realize i was sick) He came two months early... and he is not doing so hot. he is regressing. he is eleven months old. they dx'd him with a mild form of cerbral palsey. but he is regressing.. he isn't supposed to do that with CP...

my husband is on probation and can not afford to pay his restitution fines and will go back to prision i am afriad. good man. wans't his fault. and i am not a blind in love woman. everyone who knows him knows he didn't do it.. over 100k in restitution.500 a month. can't feed family if i pay fine..

nasty flashbacks from childhood. need to c*t to get rid of em need to feel soething intense to black it out or i don't function. WHY do i have to ReMEBER things NOW! i have enough to worry about. stupid D*D wuz lkivin with lil sis and makin things h*ll between us...

family probs. lil sis is verbally ab*sive and is gettin married and is a witch..wedding = seeing family i hate and is ab*sive. three weeks. in three weeks i have to deal with it. not in any shape to put on my armour. or even hold a shield. God help me.... please.

MIL is playin mind games that I can not retaliate against right now, too busy with other crud...so FIL hopped in on the game and are messin with hubbie..so NOW i have to kick butt, cuz nobaody messes with B. He's mine. He's a good man ddoesn't need this crap from them already stressed out enough.

hubbie needs teeth pulled. bad infection needs dentures no money. son in same boat but without dentures.

I have three other kids i have to keep up normal as possible it isn't fair to them. i make a good go of it. i just don't brak down. I pray ALOT. God has given me strength and the means to get this far with out SI I will make it through. ED is somethin else. went on a MAJOR binge. sat in speedways batroom for a very very long time makin sure none of it stayed with me. *sigh* i can't stand the smell of my kitchen at the moment. to see food repluses me. to walk past a mirror and i wanna sl*ce self into pieces. sleepin in my clothes can't stand to see fl*sh. can't stand for anyoen to touch me either. ugh. skin crawlin. a real piece of art I am.

landlord is gripping, threatening eviction again. can'tafford to move. cost oo much. oh and gas prices.. we live hour away from hubsters work... alot of moola we dont' have. but can't afford to live in town either...

SCREAMING

house is a mess

i am fat

did i mention i am fat?

i can't controll anything

i can't stop anything

doctor appointments are major MAJOR triggers for me. and Aaron has alot, I have alot, and other kids do too. I CAN NOT STAND TOBE TOUCHED BY A WHITECOAT. or in their presence. or in the waiting room. agression. anger. panic. passout. run away. et the drift?

soooooooo here i go. eat for comfort. binge as punishment cuz i can't controll self. need to hurt self. ugh

it is worse but i don't know you that well and ...well... somethings can't be posted here.

it is in God's hands. He just needs to figure out something to do WITH MY HANDS to keep me sane in the mean time.

the fish are glurping for air... i think the filter bubble thing has been turned off again. *sigh* poor fish. SoulWings they need a loving home. can i air mail them to you?

i weent off my allergy food plan (dare i say d**t?) and am having a neurological allergy response to the food i choose to eat.

BLAH! can i scream in here?

I will be better soon. i need sleep and to refocus.

ssorry. tired. go to bed now.
i'll type better next time and niceer. not so choppy.







sleep

 

[Soulwings]

Holy crap, Jynx... you really are having it laid on you right now. I'm sorry that things are so so rough right now... remember what I said on the other board about you trying to find the humor in every situation? As ridiculous as it sounds, try to put it into play now. None of the stuff that you are going through is a laughing matter, but there have to be a few brightnesses in the darkness that you're going through right now. There always are. Just... look for them. That will probably not make anything better, but it may keep your mind from being so, so, so - well, icky, for lack of a better word.

That was a really full post. I am still trying to get my mind around what I want to say. In the mornings - early especially - mind doesn't work so great.

What is it exactly that scares/bothers/upsets you so much about doctors? bc if you could, you should go and see one about whatever illness you have right now... unless you already did and they don't know. Bodies do really weird things when they are under tons of stress and if there isn't any particular illness that you have, I would say that you are having a MAJOR MAJOR stress reaction right now, and that is why it is so bad. I have stress reactions sometimes but I am never as stressed as you must be right now... so they are not as major.

I wish I knew what you were looking for/wanted me to say :o bc I feel like I am just going to be digging myself into a pit by saying too much of the wrong thing right now.

What sorts of mind games are your ILs playing, or daren't I ask? :-S

As for your ED... have you ever sought help for it? bc that would be a good thing to do sometime, perhaps not right now, but sometime, since you are struggling so much with it. Try to make a list of reasons that you want/need to recover.

Anyway, I hope that what I said here makes some sense, and I will see if I can get mind working a bit better later and see if I come up with anything amazing to say. Hang in there - cliché but true - don't force yourself to get better if you can't think about that right now - just think about holding steady where you are and not getting any worse. Do you have anyone - any friend, anyone from church - that you could reach out to right now?

Prayers.

 

[MyaShane]

Jynx. I'm so very sorry you're going through all this right now. I wish you lived closer so I could help you more! Hun, who do you have that you councel with or even talk to about what's going on? I think you need someone working with you on some of these issues. You have so much going on and you need a support system. Don't feel that you need to edit much with us here, we're all in this together and that's why we're here; to unload on eachother and to be unloaded on!
If your husband is taken back, what happens? Are you working, are you on an assistance program that could help you and your kids?
The ED is a one meal at a time thing. Every thing you get in you and keep in you is a victory and you should count it as such. Focus on that and don't be too hard on yourself when you don't do as well other times. Hang in there hon and come back here as often as you need!

 

[jynx]

... never mind. rethought it all.

 

[Celtic Camel]

hey hun,
I really have no words... just wanted you to know that from the other side of the world, I am standing with you in prayer.
keep posting (it helps)
xoxox

 

[Soulwings]

Jynx (Jamie?)... please do post when you need to. Don't rethink it... just let it out. You know me and you're getting to know the rest of us... we care about each other here. Post and let us know how best we can support you.