Ultimatums vs. Boundaries

[Princess Pea]

So ... what's the difference?

Ultimatums are always presented as a bad thing in relationships. The general consensus seems to be that you should never give an ultimatum, because the person to whom it's given will call your bluff, and then there you'll be: single again.

However, I've been reading a book on boundaries in dating, and although it's been really helpful, a lot of their advice seems like ultimatums. You're supposed to say "The next time you _____ I will respond in this way: (insert consequence here.") And then follow through, of course. But really, what's the difference between that and an ultimatum?

Is it just a matter of wording, where an ultimatum would come right out and say what the boundary statement only implies: "If you don't do what I want you to do you will lose me?"

Is it the nature of the consequence, where an ultimatum leads to a breakup but a boundary consequence might be less dire?

Is it the acknowledgment that the other person's response to your statement is in their hands, not yours, and you're fully prepared to stand firm if they step over the line you've drawn in the sand? Maybe ultimatums are about trying to force someone to do something, and boundaries are about acknowledging you can't make anyone else do anything - you can only control how you respond to their behavior?

Is it the serious of the offense? Is it OK to make these statements for some problems and not others? And if so, what's the measuring stick?



Background: A couple of months ago I had to say to my boyfriend, "I cannot continue to date you seriously as long as (a particular situation) exists. When the situation changes, we can get serious again if you still want to." Even as I said it, I knew he might walk away, and I was fully prepared for that possibility. With my statement, I intended to set a boundary, but I'm sure what he heard was an ultimatum. He'd already told me how he responded to ultimatums, so I'm not at all surprised not to have heard from him since. I tried as hard as I could not to word it like an ultimatum, which would have said "If you don't fix this, I'm outa here." But he walked anyway - or, more accurately, chose not to fix the problem that I was choosing not to live with on a long term basis. I know I did the right thing, but I still have these moments of doubt ...

 

[ido]

I don't think there is much difference. Really the defining point comes with how the person receiving the statement reacts. If they correct the behavior that created the need for a boundary, then it remains a boundary. If they do not correct the behavior and react negatively to the boundary that was created, then they turn it into an ultimatum.

Good for you for creating a boundary and sticking to it. I'm sorry that he was not able to be open to change, but better to find that out now than after marriage.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I agree with flnativegrl, they are pretty close to being or becoming one or the other. It lies in the person that is receiving the informations perception of it. Because perception is the reality of the person preceiving it.
We all have doubts in times like this, whether we made the right choice or not. I think you made the right choice, since it was something you did not want to live with. It would have been worse to keep going and ignoring the issue, and then becoming bitter, perhaps, because he didn't change on his own later or something. It's hard because you want to believe that someone would care enough about you (especially in a relationship) that they wouldn't want to risk losing you. So when they walk away without another word, it is hurtful and then you end up feeling guilty or wondering what if.....but you know in reality what the what if would be if you stood by and said and did nothing. That wouldn't have been good either. You did the right thing.

 

[dluvs2trvl]

I agree with flnativegrl and michelle...and will just add another thought...

I tend to think of ultimatums as a manipulation/control tactic...trying to force someone to do or behave in a certain way just so you get some sense of control in the relationship...and the change you are requesting would usually be seen by a reasonable person as over the top...

And I tend to think of boundaries as more of a step to protect yourself - the other person - and the relationship from something/someone that would cause harm. It isn't about control or manipulation - it's about emotional/spiritual/physical health of the parties involved and the relationship they are in...and most reasonable people would see the request as just that - setting a boundary for a healthy reason (doesn't mean it will be easy but it needs to be done) not forcing something on another person for selfish reasons.

I hope that made sense

 

[Princess Pea]

Thanks, all ... you're all very wise! Maybe it was more of an ultimatum than a boundary, but the bottom line was that I couldn't live with it. That's what I keep telling myself. The funny thing is, he admitted himself that it's something he wanted to change, but seemed unable to. And I wasn't even asking him to change all at once - I just needed to see unmistakable signs that he really was taking the problem seriously and was taking concrete steps to solve it. I don't think that was too much to ask, but evidently he did.

I hate breakups.

 

[dluvs2trvl]

I don't think it was an ultimatum...you set a HEALTHY boundary for you, for him and for your relationship. It was not a manipulation tactic and it was not unreasonable so NO I do not believe it was an ultimatum. I believe it was a boundary and a very reasonable one.

 

[ido]

It stinks to have to break up when it seems like it could be so easy .. if only... KWIM?

I'm sorry you're experiencing the break up.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

Setting a boundary takes some real thought because you have to come up with a consequence you know you can stick to. Ultimatums can be thrown out in the heat of an argument. And boundaries are not about ending the relationship, they're about setting up rules. Violation of the boundaries may end the relationship, but that's usually after it's been broken several times.

 

[ShainaBrina]

I think the difference is that a boundary identifies a problem or issue (you can't accept) and states an action you will take.

An Ultimatum demands another person changes If you ____ then I'm gone. or something similarly drastic.

One is ... it hurts my feelings when you yell at me, so from now on, when you raise your voice, I will leave the room. When you stop yelling, then we can talk.

VS The next time you yell at me, I'm outa here. It's like there is a threat involved.

does that make sense?

 

[Jenster]

I agree with everyone and would pick up on the "finality" of an ultimatum (ultimate = last). There's nothing wrong with ultimatums, imho. Sometimes the situation calls for it. Particularly when you've tried to set boundaries in a certain area, and the response has been, "Pfft. Whatever."

Yes, a lot of ultimatums are issued in the heat of the moment. Those are often selfish. Those are "I'm not getting what I want, so I'm going to threaten you" and "It's my way or the highway." But ultimatums, such as the one you told your bf, can also be loving and earnest. It's just that they speak to a final consequence.

I think D brought up a good point: Boundaries are used to establish healthy habits within relationships and to put responsibility where responsibility should be.