Two Steps Forward, Three Steps Back

[Mark Dohle]

Two Steps Forward, Three Steps Back

December 4—“When you have entered into light, you will comprehend. Until then, you will just feel your way in truth:
you will be able to take love only little by little; otherwise your mortal eyes would be wounded.
But when the eye of your inner vision looks deep into the infinite, you will discover your poverty
and you will be overwhelmed with gratitude to God for having stooped down to your nothingness.”

Bossis, Gabrielle. He and I (Kindle Locations 3076-3079). Pauline Books and Media. Kindle Edition.​

One of the frustrations of living the interior life is that slowly, over time, one after the other, the masks that are put on that we wear to hide from others, as well as ourselves, are taken away, and sometimes, actually ripped off. The process even though for most of us is very gradual, the experience is most of the time a shock. It is easy to see into others, but for ourselves, for me, it can be difficult to see through the veil that is constructed to keep out the truth.

At the beginning of one’s conversion, there can be feelings of joy and consolation that can help us get over the hurdles we must face as we begin the process of growing into becoming one with Jesus Christ. Yet soon, the real journey begins.

The Holy Spirit wishes us to come to the truth that will set us free. Our blind spots, wounds, and the many addictions that can be acquired as we age have to be faced. There will be many false starts and failures. These are important for one of the hardest lessons to learn is our need for God’s grace in our lives.

The human condition is in many ways, tragic. Freedom is hard won, and often in small steps. The old saying, “Two steps forward, three steps back” is a lived experience, one that allows us to grow in trust in God’s fidelity, even when we can feel that we have very little ourselves. Humility is hard-earned.

The deeper in we go, the worse we may think we are becoming. Yet, in actuality, we are simply seeing deeper into our souls, which is a healing grace.

Without self-knowledge spiritual growth is not possible. The only way we can be healed of negative and self-destructive cycles is to learn through experience that we do bear quite a bit of responsibility for many of our problems. An often hard pill to swallow.

One of the most painful aspects of spiritual growth is the actual knowledge of how hard it is for us to love. God, as well as others. We love out of need, which can take many turns, most of them leading to more pain. Once we learn about our need for conversion, we can stop blaming others for our problems, let go of the past, and forgive those who have harmed us. None of it is easy. The emotional after-effect can last for a long time even after forgiveness is given. Yes, the process can be exhausting.

It is this experience of inner poverty that leads us to a deeper trust in the love of God as shown to us by the revelation of Jesus Christ. We come to understand that our poverty, our wounds, and our sins, are not a obstacle to God’s love. It is our refusal to trust, grow, and let go of blame that keeps us captive in our self-created hells, and purgatories.

Trust is a choice, to seek joy is a choice as well, to embrace self-knowledge and to let go of sell-pity are also choices. The more we choose in the midst of inner suffering and turmoil to trust, the deeper in we go. It is suffering that brings us to the fork in the road, the goad is necessary.

One of the greatest temptations of the inner life is to give in to bitterness, to become cynical. Because of our tragic human state, this is a very easy condition to fall into. When we fight these temptations, it leads us to a different image of God. Our images of God, if we allow grace to work, will change as we experience life with all of its joys, and yes, sufferings.

Love of God, others, and self, is an absolute necessity if we wish to make the interior journey of faith that leads in the end to union with God. This union starts with the first step, with each new step we go deeper in. A journey that is eternal.-Br.MD