trying to understand this behaviour - is this normal???

[john2190]

I've noticed in relationships I have this habit and I'm wondering whether it is common amongst other people.

So basically, I've noticed that when a girl is really into me and wants to work things out, I tend to back off and become a bit distant...then suddenly when she backs off and becomes distant I started being more keen and wonder whether I should pursue her and be with her etc. It's as if when I'm with her, I generally think about the negative aspects and how she isn't x y z and how I don't like this or that but then when the prospect of walking away for good hits me, I start thinking about all the good things, what I would miss out on, what I would be leaving behind and ask myself am I really making the right decision here? It's like that saying "You don't realise what you got/had til it's gone." So for example if a girl wasn't replying to my texts and being distant with me I suddenly start feeling like I need to pursue her! When a girl backs off I feel like I want to get back with her. Maybe I just find it hard letting people down, even if it's the relationship isn't working.

Does that sound fimilar? Does that make sense? I'm not quite sure why I'm like this to be honest. Maybe as I said it's cos I don't like hurting or disappointing people.

The more I think about it though, I feel it also could well be the age factor that's making me re-consider this relationship and question myself whether I have made the right decision to walk away. Maybe if I was 22, this would be easier. I would have years left to find someone, to meet new people, I would relax and things wouldn't be so tense and panicky. At almost 30 it's a different story. I really don't want to look back and feel that I made the wrong decision here...what if I don't meet someone else etc.

Can anyone else relate to this kind of behaviour?

 

[Purge187]

It sounds familiar. You don't want to let "The One" get away, but you don't wanna smother her either. You're only human, after all.

It's been my experience that, when God blesses me, there's some aspect of it that makes it obvious that He had a direct hand in it. I asked Him for a new place to live, and not only was my new place in the exact place I was hoping for, but it just so happens that my landlady was friends with my boss at work, and he's one of thousands of people there and was pretty much my only solid reference.

If/when we meet the mate He may have in store for us, I think we'll know it.

 

[john2190]

Well yes I understand what you're saying and well I have some news.

Me and this girl in question decided to finally cut contact after just over a year of having known each other and officially being together about 10 months. Although it was mutual, she actually made the decision because we had been meeting up occasionally and we were still in contact, she thought it probably wasn't a good idea anymore and that's the right thing to do as I didn't seem happy.

But now I suppose I'm feeing emotional still like you would with the proper ending of something like this but I guess I have to remember that I wasn't happy for some time. I'm reminiscing about our good times and how we met etc. and thinking it could have been different. I suppose this is all normal? I get thoughts and doubts like should I have given her a second chance because she made an effort the last couple of months etc. and showed me she had changed in some respects? We were meeting for the last couple of months occasionally and she was trying to things back on track with me but I just didn't feel comfortable being with her because of what happened in the past. So I don't know if part of me is now feeling guilty about letting her down and not giving this a second shot.

But ultimately I suppose, I was in an awkward situation...the risk to try things out again was maybe too much for me simply because I had a feeling that things would go back to how they were, eventually. But also maybe we just weren't right for each other on more fundamental aspects; personality, character, lifestyle etc. I don't know. Every time we did meet up I just didn't feel all that great about it, about her etc. Yet now, I'm feeling well...just sad I suppose that she's out of my life. But I also wonder how much of this is my bruised ego. As in this girl has been pursuing me and wanting things to work out for quite some time and now suddenly she's not and decided we got to cut contact completely. Deep down maybe I knew things weren't going to work out but I'm still quite upset.

I really just hope I don't look back and think I've made a mistake in letting her go. I hope one day I will be proved right and meet finally meet someone who I will be happy with.

 

[Purge187]

Marriage is a lifelong prospect and shouldn't be rushed into. If you were having all those doubts, then she probably wasn't The One. It sounds like you guys could remain friends, though.

Ask God to give you wisdom and discernment concerning your personal life. He'll help.

 

[ahava777]

Hello john2190, I'll try my very best to explain what is happening to you and the girl.

I'm assuming she's Christian and she has high expectations of you. and you may not be doing what she expects of you, i.e. be clear to her, communicate your plans and intention, she doesn't know what's her place in your life, hence she doesn't know the proper way to act towards you. You see, our problem, Christian women to be more specific, is we know what the Christian men SHOULD be doing. more often than not, we forget that the men we are with are not Jesus. Praise God you are not, otherwise, we might dethrone Him from our hearts and that would be terrible, right? What we need to know are (1) your short term and long plans, (2) what your intentions are, (3) what could influence them, and (4) where do you think our place should be in all those things.

If all these cannot be communicated yet, and you still want to be sure if she really is the woman that you want to marry, then I have to agree with Purge187, prayer is key. =) and a lot of tips from those who are successful in marriage. I am definitely not an expert in this area, but I'm sure your pastor and his wife are. But what I can share is just how women think. =)

P.S. I'm amazed at your humility to admit all these things. Those who humble themselves will be exalted. I'm looking forward to seeing breakthroughs. Hope to read your praise report posts in the near future! God bless you!