trying to "blend" this family (fairly long)

[jwebhead]

I feel basically hopeless in my situation...I have been married in my second marriage now for only 4 1/2 months but it has been over a year in coming and I am just so frustrated and hurt as things have still been un-said and un-discussed between my husband and I regarding the household rules and standards for the children. There are 2 boys from my previous marriage and 1 girl from his previous...We have his daughter supposedly every other weekend, but her mother is famous for changing it so there is no consistency and my husband seems fine with that...whole other issue. Anyway, I have requested and pretty much begged my husband for us to sit down and have this discussion and come to a resolution but all that happens is he brings up issues that apparently he and his mother have struggles with and basically the solution is for me to let everything go and just smile. It is turning out that all the things that I even do as encouragement or discipline with my boys he disagrees with.

He and I cannot seem to get on the same page and his resolution is just to keep his daughter and me apart. He is constantly doing things that make it 2 families when she is here. He says he is doing this for less strain on me. He even told me last night that he is thinking of just telling his ex-wife to 'keep her'. (Fiancially support her but no longer see her) He says it is just too hard for me, and I guess his daughter, to be around eachother.

For clarification, here are most of my struggles.
She literally makes me sick to my stomach when she eats. She is 4, a year older than my youngest son and cannot eat with a fork or spoon without drooping everything or using her hands. (I mention my son as he mastered all these and much more...not to pat myself on the back, but it is not that hard)She smacks with her mouth open when she chews. ( I am embarrased to got out to dinner with her) She has hit the boys. Any time I even talk to her it is like that feeling or look you have seen people do when fingernails are being drug across a black board. It is awful. I have just been keeping my distance for the past 3 or 4 visits and let her come to me, which does not happen and if I do talk to her I feel I am sucking up to her and asking her to 'like me'.

Basically things have been left with my husband and I where I feel that I must change everything about me to accommodate his daughter. Even change the way I have been raising the boys. So that there can be unity. It is really hard for obvious reasons but also my husband for months and still does encourage me that he and I are the most important relationship (besides the Lord) in this family and that he will help me in any way to "make me happy".

The last thing I will allow though is for him to abandon his daughter. That is not a possibility. I will leave first.

I just need some sort of encouragement and ideas to get things rolling with my husband and what to do as she is here in 3 days and I am terrified. I am debating taking a fun trip with the boys for the weekend so we are not here and do not make her or my husband uncomfortable.

What to you do when you cannot get your husband to talk to you? He has many a time ignored e-mails I have sent (hopeing 'letter writing' would be less confrontational), he has used the excuse that he lost his modivation to talk, or just basically the time or circumstances are not "perfect" for the discussion.

I just basically feel like a wicked step-mother and wonder what on Earth am I doing here.

 

[Busybee]

For clarification, here are most of my struggles.
She literally makes me sick to my stomach when she eats. She is 4, a year older than my youngest son and cannot eat with a fork or spoon without drooping everything or using her hands. (I mention my son as he mastered all these and much more...not to pat myself on the back, but it is not that hard)She smacks with her mouth open when she chews.

I'm definitely no expert on this, however, I think that by comparing her skills to your son's is a cause of undue stress also. Different children master different things at different ages. My daughter recognized all of her ABC by 2, however I won't expect the same from my second. Some kids are just messy eaters. It also might not be that she can't eat with a fork, kids learn things by experimenting with there hands.

The hitting thing. Discipline is needed there. I have a daughter who'll be 4 next month. Standing in the corner worked best here and may also in your case, since there's no hitting involved and no one can say you're hurting her.

Also, see if you can get some one on one time with her. Ask her what she'd like to do and surprise her by doing it during that time, so she doesn't feel she has to compete for attention which could making her act out.

He is constantly doing things that make it 2 families when she is here. He says he is doing this for less strain on me. He even told me last night that he is thinking of just telling his ex-wife to 'keep her'. (Fiancially support her but no longer see her) He says it is just too hard for me, and I guess his daughter, to be around eachother.

I'm thrilled to see that you know that's not the answer. You guys could end up with one very bitter little girl years to come if he goes that route.

As far as getting hubby to talk to you. It looks like you aren't going to be able to schedule a talk with him, so maybe catch him when he's in front of the tv, turn it off, and tell him it's time to talk for all of your sake.

I pray you find the answers. In the mean time here's a

 

[jwebhead]

I'm not trying to compare the children...all I was trying to get at was the fact that the request for table manners is not out of her age limit. I am all for letting a child learn at their level and pace, but there are limits.

Thanks for the discipline suggestion but I am staying very clear of A) disciplining her to begin with...did that before and completely backfired in my face...no backup from my husband and B) telling or suggesting how my husband should do so as like I said before, it seems that however I discipline or encourage my boys he disapproves.

The key to everything is talking and listening to eachother...my husband won't...I have figured out things to do this weekend with the boys and I. It is probably better if the 3 of us just head out for the weekend.

 

[tonya]

I hate that you are in this situation as my best friend is also...I mean it is uncanny how your story sounds so much like hers. It sounds as if you need to do lotsa praying b/c you and your hubby have a communication problem(i mean no disrespect when I point this out to you BUT I think you have already come to this conclusion). I know what yoy mean by the table manners...obviously a parent has not sat her down and taught her these things nut by 4 I agree that these things should be better...It sounds as if her mother does nor take out any quality time with her and sadly this child is suffering!!!! All you can do is love her and try to gently ask for table manners and teach her what she needs to know at your house. My best friebd's step son is 6 and he barely knows his abc's and people can not atnd to be around him b/c he whines and falls out in the floor and oitches awful fits..his dad is verry passive and feels guilty for not being with him more and his mom does not do anything as far as quality time goes with him...she shuts him in a room with a movie or game and screams and hollers at him...you should not compare children but at 4 table manners should be better than what she has, come on that sounds loike my 2 year old and a 6 year should have long since masterd abc/s unless there is a ld and there is not!!!!

 

[Busybee]

Whew hon, you are DEFINITELY in a tough spot then. I wonder how your step daughter acts at home with mom. Do you think the mother could be encouraging these behaviors at your home to cause turmoil?

Your husband is definitely going to have to take a stand or else it's going to be your sanity. His lax disciplining skills are causing you and your step daughter to not bond.

I can imagine you do feel very frustrated then if you can't even discipline her at all. It's like you have no ammunition to use against her negative behavior. She's realized what she can get away and she's going full steam ahead.

Just make sure she doesn't hurt your little boys. Until you guys come to some sort of solution, then do what it takes to keep your children happy too and as always pray pray pray.

 

[bliz]

You all cannot go on like this! And it seems very clear that your husband is not able to cope with the situation - guilt, frustration, regret... And is if, of course, absurd that you and your sons change everything to adjust to her.

When she comes to your home, she needs to conform to the standards there - learn table manners, etc. It makes your household flow smoother, but far more importantly, it is what is best for her!! Her life will only become harder and harder if she does not learn how to behave. I suspect that your husband does not want to be the heavy and lay down rules when he has time with her (a big and understandable mistake a lot of divorced parents make with children) which is why he should lean on you and ask for your help instead of shutting you out of the relationship.

I'd do an Abigail. (Check out her story in the Bible.) You know what needs to be done. Step in and do it. This child is in desperate need of love and guidance. Provide it. Your husband needs to support you, but you need to be willing to take the lead becasue, probably for a while variety of reasons, he is not able to do so.

Use lots of "We" language "We chew with our mouths closed." "We eat maraconi and cheese with forks." Kids can handle different rules in different homes. It will be rough at first becasue she clearly is not accountomed to these things, but not doing it is handicapping her.

It seems to me that your husband needs some counseling. My guess is that there are a lot of issues from the first marriage and a lot of feelings about them that are unsettled. He's letting those feelings damage the relationship with his daughter and jeopardize his marriage with you.

 

[selune]

Did you and your husband talk about these issues before you married? I'm worried that his lack of support for the way you discipline your boys and his lack of concern for his daughter is a big warning sign for the future. You need to get into counseling (both of you) because it sounds as if he is too quick to just let go of things (I can't imagine giving up on my kids and just letting them go). Perhaps this is even a medical issue? Are there such strong signs of apathy in other areas? Best wishes. I'm praying for you and your family.

 

[jwebhead]

I'd do an Abigail. (Check out her story in the Bible.) You know what needs to be done. Step in and do it. This child is in desperate need of love and guidance. Provide it. Your husband needs to support you, but you need to be willing to take the lead becasue, probably for a while variety of reasons, he is not able to do so.

Not familiar with Abigail, but I will be tonight. Thanks a place to go biblically.

I have tried the 'we' things, and will try again, but for this weekend my sons and I are going away for a fun weekend. My husband is aware that I am leaving and his is out of town, but a text message stating he loves and do not leave is all I have gotten from him. No phone call, no response to my e-mail...nada.

I just do not have the strength for this weekend. Please pray for me for safety and fun with my sons.

 

[jwebhead]

Did you and your husband talk about these issues before you married? I'm worried that his lack of support for the way you discipline your boys and his lack of concern for his daughter is a big warning sign for the future. You need to get into counseling (both of you) because it sounds as if he is too quick to just let go of things

We did talk extensively about these and other issues. I knew my husband was a strong and quiet type. He is also of the belief that children should do as they are told with no explanation. I struggle with that and have told him how I have been and wish to continue to raise the children. At first he agreed but then when he found out that there were guidelines and it would be best for him to do research and find out more about the 'strategies' he cannot be bothered. I also see him just removing his daughter from me and putting her in her room for naps or slight disobedience issues but the big things he avoids. Then tells me that he is doing his best

I too worry about the future for all the children and for he and I. I have suggested counseling and his response was, "Well to me that means a babysitter". He has lived here all his life and has friends, where my sons and I have re-located here 2500 miles and know very little people. I know of no sitters or people to even ask.

As I stated before I just do not have the strength for this weekend. But please pray for clarity and unity...somehow for this family.

 

[Freckles1234]

I was asking the same questions that Selune was asking. There was another one that I wanted to ask though and I think that it sounds like a big issue here and it is your mother-in-law. You said

Anyway, I have requested and pretty much begged my husband for us to sit down and have this discussion and come to a resolution but all that happens is he brings up issues that apparently he and his mother have struggles with and basically the solution is for me to let everything go and just smile. It is turning out that all the things that I even do as encouragement or discipline with my boys he disagrees with.

If he can't discuss things with you then how come he seems to have no problem discussing them with your mil? I have prayed a lot for marriages for several years and what you are going through seems to be pretty standard for a second marriage where there are two sets of children involved. There are two things that I see, like I said the mil issue and it also sounds to me like there is also an issue of the ex-wife and what is being said to this child. Also at 4 years old there is no reason for a child to be chewing with their mouth open and smacking their food. There may be problems with the fork but I can't think why there would be a problem with a spoon.

From what I have seen in my marriage ministry is that if you and your husbands don't get things on track real soon (you should never have to leave your own home because of anyone, much less a 4 year old child!) you will be separated by your first anniversary and we will be praying for reconciliation not for restoration and strengthening of your marriage.

I am sorry if I sound harsh here but all I can see is the big downward spiral that is happening. Your husband had better talk to you, he doesn't have any choice if he doesn't want to the see the inside of another divorce court and I would tell him that outright. At that point it sounds to me that both his mother and her granddaughter will have what they want.

I will be praying for your marriage daily that it does straighten out and that your husband does talk and you get these issues settled. God be with both of you through this. Amen.

 

[jwebhead]

Back from the weekend. Boys and I had a good time. Very little talking with my hubby and I via phone or anything. Did a bit...nothing was solved or really discussed but I did feel a little better. Not sure if it just because we are home now, next weekend he does not have his daughter and because of his job, he is already gone and out of town. Maybe I am okay because there is no conflict or issues of being avoided...Did figure that out. Hubby does not ignore me, he just avoids the conflict until the time is perfect. Funny thing is the time is never 'perfect' in his eyes.

Thank you for all the prayers. I took the boys to The Mall of America which is 9 hours from our house and there were no traffic problems or safety issue so even for that, thank you for the prayers. The Lord kept us safe.

Still trying to figure out what to do. Really hard when hubby won't talk. I have begged, pleaded, cried, yelled (that one never works and just makes me look like a fool...the others make me FEEL like a fool) nothing works. I guess he just wants to avoid it and avoid it.

I hate the fact that I am divorced once already...I cannot bear the thought of being divorced twice...

 

[jwebhead]

There was another one that I wanted to ask though and I think that it sounds like a big issue here and it is your mother-in-law. ...and it also sounds to me like there is also an issue of the ex-wife and what is being said to this child.

The MIL...okay that is a double edged sword and my fault for not elaborating further...Part of this too is just an assumption on my part...

The comment that he made about his mother was one of which she made to him directly and was not specifically about me but in reference to something that I do or have encouraged him to do regarding his daughter. He A) did not defend me or clarify that this was an issue that I have. So in his mind he was protecting me to allow his mother to think this was something he did. and B) I do know he does not discuss or put me down to his mother or anyone in his family or his friends. He does not share his life or what is going on it to anyone. (Not necessary a good thing, but can be)

I also do agree that things are being said by the ex to the daughter regarding me but I have no way of proving it and my hubby feels unless there is 'proof' he will not investigate. But what urks me is that he is not going out of his way to say good things about me to his daughter. (So if there are negative things that she is hearing about me there is no positive ideas getting in her mind either.) I have spend many an hour encouraging the boys about their "Pop" (they call him that instead of Dad or referring to as step-dad) both in front of my hubby as well as when he is not there. It has and is paying off.

I did not take what you said as harsh, I just am in the same dilemma though...how or what to do if and when the hubby refuses to talk...

 

[jwebhead]

Praise the Lord!!!!!!!!! Hubby did not leave for travel Sunday night. Wound up coming home and we talked for hours. He did have to leave Monday morning but things were better. We talked last night for a few hours and he really is trying to listen and muttle through things. No it is not all better (any marraige takes years for that) but we both seem re-focused and working together.


Thanks for the prayers and please keep usin them.

 

[Freckles1234]

That is wonderful Jwebhead. Try to keep the talking up and open now that it has started again. I will be holding you up daily in prayers. Lord hear all of our prayers. Amen.