Trying to accept that I'll never live a normal life

[SonicBOOM]

I was diagnosed with auspergers when I was 6 and sense than I've struggled in school and had to drop out when I was in the tenth grade. I got a GED when I was 17 and I tried college when I was 18 years old... but I found it super stressful and I had to quit. I tried working and no place would take me.... I finnally did find a place to work and it lasted a good year [because I tried my hardest] but again it was extremely stressful and i lost my job. Now I'm jobless and struggling to find work.... but I'm doubting if it's even worth it at this point. Sense auspergers effects my relationship skills. I can't relaly connect with anyone and I know I'll never find a good woman to settle down with, on top of that who would wanna marry someone who can't work? I'm trying independent study now and I'm trying to get back on my feet... but I wonder how long I am gonna even be able to stand?

 

[PairoDocs]

Don't despair about the woman part. God provides. I should know. I had been fired from my first assistant professor job, and had virtually no chance of ever teaching again due to some politics concerning my 'inability' to teach at a 2 year school leading universities to conclude that I could not even be considered for a four-year and certainly not graduate level teaching. I had been unemployed for over a year when my wife and I met at an astronomy club meeting. We were married a year later, again while I remained unemployed. She's a medical doctor, though in a public health clinic that didn't pay her very well. She got the message from God that it was His will that we get married. It's been almost 12 years, and I nearly died last month from a sudden mitral valve failure--emergency surgery and a lot of prayer saved my life, but just barely. Our love is stronger than ever.
I suggest you give college a try again. Perhaps you tried a major that was too easy for you and you got bored. I know that I frequently had to drop classes I was failing due to boredom. Don't take too many credit hours or units when you do attend college, or else you may not be able to handle them. I did okay on 12 to 15 units maximum, and no work outside of class except over the summer when I wasn't taking any classes. When I was in graduate school, the structure was much more comfortable, as I always had specific times I had to be in certain places, such as the classes I had to teach or the time I had to spend in the laboratory doing my research. I also got involved with Intervarsity Christian Fellowship, as I found out they tolerated my Asperger traits just fine, even my weird clothes (I wore ski goggles as sunglasses, and other odd garments) were not judged. My crying and near hysterical outbursts, though it startled some people, did not result in their rejecting me. They were all the more eager to pray for me and with me to get me settled down. Then we just back to having fun and fellowship again. Their prayer and non-judgmental support was instrumental in my getting my Ph.D.
My advise: Try college again, and this time take courses of greater difficulty and fewer of them. Be sure you're actually interested in the topics, too, or else it won't seem logical to even try. We Aspies have lots of logical reasoning skills on our side, so I know you can analyze your interests and use your reasoning skills to understand the need to complete courses even when they grow 'boring' or stressful. Be sure to find some kind of support, whether counseling, church, IVCF, or some other para-church ministry. This will permit success. I also found that more challenging courses kept me disciplined to actually do the necessary work to pass, and sometimes actually excel at the covered topics.
As for my job situation, it's more voluntary right now, as I am working on writing several science fiction novels, and doing stuff on a small farm. My wife still works as a doctor and our marriage remains good. I am also a stay-at-home Dad for two children, a 7 year old boy, and a 4 year old girl. I'm happy right now, though still struggling with healing from the open heart surgery.

 

[No4Mk1]

Chris,

This is my first post here. My daughter is 8, and was just diagnosed with Asperger's two days ago. I have lived along side my beautiful, gifted, daughter for 8 years now, and known almost from infancy that she did not fit the "norms" of society. But so what? She has a beautiful spirit, and gifts that God has chosen to give her that so-called "normal" people will never have and perhaps never appreciate. But I do know this, God has called all of us to a purpose within His design, and he uses all of us as He wills to work that purpose out.

First, don't buy the lie that there is such a thing as a "normal" life. That is a myth foisted on us by TV and ad agencies. And if you put Christ at the center of your life, it will never be normal by the world's standards! I strove for way too many years to live the "normal life" that we are called to by the world, and it was a disaster. Most "normal people" are killing themselves putting on a show, and inside are in great pain because they do not know the love of Christ.

I don't know you personally, and don't know your situation, but I'm willing to bet that if you sit back and really assess what you enjoy, and what you are good at, you will find a vocation that suits you well. The key is not to look for a job, but figure out what you really enjoy, and then look for a way to do work that includes what you enjoy. That will eliminate, or at least reduce the "stress" you talk about, and when you love your work you are almost guaranteed to be successful at it. I'm willing to bet that there are people within your community of faith who can help you find resources to assist with this process.

As for companionship in life, that again is a gift from God. He will provide for you, or not, depending on what is best for you at the moment. The best way to "find" a spouse/friend/companion is to stop looking. They will find you.

My favorite verse of scripture is Romans 8:28, which tells us that He works all things for the good of those who love him!! Believe me, you may not realize this to be true today, but if you are fortunate you may be able to look back on your life at some point and see a glimpse of the grand pattern He is working in and through your life. If not, I am certain that in the life to come we will stand in awe of the pattern of love He has worked in and through us.

Chris, I'm praying for you my brother, and I hope I have in some small way encouraged you!

Lee.

 

[SonicBOOM]

thank you both for the very very helpful posts I actully wasn't expecting to hear such wisdom from the rplies. thanks again

pairoDocs, i think I'm gonna try college again... andI'm in the process of doing it independently because my aspergers doesn't agree with schedules and detail. so this way i'll be able to do it more at my own pace and with one subject at a time. it's perfect!!

When i went to school, i went for ministry, and I've always had a passion for being a minister ever sense I accepted Christ at the age of 17. I wanna touch lives and fight for the hearts of people. And I have always beleived that a pastor is called to far more than "office work". a pastor is called to be in the gap between Satan and the hearts of God's people... and thats the type of pastor I wanna be. i wanna join god in the great battle for souls.


No4Mk1, thank you for such graceful words it's so easy to get caught up in the world's idea of "normal". We aren't "normal" at all... we are all very specail in our own way.... and that is good. Your words have spoken alot to me so thanks so much for taking the time

God bless you both

 

[PairoDocs]

Thanks for the positive reply. I go through the same sort of thing at times. I myself was extensively involved with a ministry that had a very strong emphasis on spiritual warfare, too, about 12-14 years ago. The pastor of that church had a strong prophetic component to his ministry, and eagerly entered into spiritual warfare. He tried to do too much too soon, and the enemy ripped apart his church, but he continues on in another city. I was never much of a warrior, but I was there more to give him encouragement and strength, sort of like Jonathan did for David. We went our separate ways, and I pray for him when I think of him and his wife. I find it interesting that many of the prophets of the Old and New Testaments were an eccentric bunch. Perhaps some of them had Asperger's Syndrome, too.
If you wish to go to war, be sure you are in step with the Holy Spirit and move *only* when He says to move. If you try to do it alone or out of sync of God's timetable, it could be disastrous. Please be sure this is God's call in your life, and be sure to keep yourself surrounded by faithful prayer warriors, so Satan doesn't attack you at your weakest points--successfully. Yes, there may be trials, but Jesus promised that He has overcome the world, and is with us always. It is through His blood that we overcome, and His Word is our sword.
One last thought, since we Aspies don't read people well with our natural discernment, it leaves room for God's Spirit to work through us with less interference from our flesh. Perhaps Asperger's permits gifts like discerning of spirits and prophecy to flow more freely.
May God bless you.

 

[jsu5381m]

I'm glad to hear your stories. One of the things that has turned me off of Christianity and church is the idea that one has to not just get married, but marry young and have lots of children. I'm sorry, I don't have the ability to raise a family. I don't understand why marriage is so important in churches and if Jesus was never married, why do Christians insist that people must get married?

I;m glad you all have found a point of acceptance. I have not found a point of acceptance. I feel very scared and alone trying to be perfecgt. I wish Christian marriage wasn't so life and death and that one could go on a date just for the purpose of getting to know someone rather than feeling like they have to get seeious and married or to have sex.

 

[PairoDocs]

I want to clarify something. I don't believe it is necessary to get married and have children to serve God. In fact if you look at Paul's writings, especially in First and Second Corinthians, he has a lot to say about being unmarried is preferable since you have nothing to distract you from God's service. He even goes on to state that if you do get married, you have to divide your attention between your service to God and your service to your wife and family. The only church I know of that puts such a strong emphasis on having a family with lots of children is the Latter Day Saints or Mormons. I don't know your beliefs about how Christian the LDS church is, so I won't presume to debate that issue here. The point is most traditional Christian churches do not believe it necessary to get married to be useful to God, and definitely unrelated to how saved you might be. That issue is only solved by your personal acceptance of Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior, your acceptance that He died for your sins, and that He rose again for your justification. The rest is just church traditions of some sort. I hope this helps.

 

[joris]

I also have some of those thoughts. Got a diagnosis... uhm almost 2 years ago, now. And, well, I'm still learning to see, this AS is why that's like that, and that, and...
Not sure whether I'll ever be married, or even whether I'd be able to be much of a boyfriend (never had a girlfriend). Though yea, after I became christian that became less troubling (a bit more resting in, like, if that won't be the case, God'll help me not be lonely or so)
Though also, am currently not very motivated about school, and I don't really have any dreams about future at all. Currently am like, if it'd end today, that'd be great. Just living day for day, and many of those days seem pointless

 

[joris]

I think, because it's a lot harder to you than to others, it's a greater accomplishment.
Like, well, if someone got that great talent for playing piano, and you'd have little or no talent for that, than it's not the same when you master playing some piano music

I at times am told, not to compare, not to compare myself to others or so; finding it's hard not to do that, though

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

I think, because it's a lot harder to you than to others, it's a greater accomplishment.
Like, well, if someone got that great talent for playing piano, and you'd have little or no talent for that, than it's not the same when you master playing some piano music

I at times am told, not to compare, not to compare myself to others or so; finding it's hard not to do that, though

Thank you. That helps some. I guess I can't help being embarrassed about it... but people catch on to things at different rates, don't they?

 

[SonicBOOM]

thanks for the replies guys it's confortint to know so many people can understand my struggles

 

[PairoDocs]

I agree that when you have a great talent for something and don't do much with it--it's so easy, you get bored with it--it's not of much worth in the stuff that matters to God. It's the character building that comes from the long-suffering struggles to accomplish something that may come easily (and cheaply) to others. The accomplishments won't accompany us to Heaven, but our faithfulness will. Learning to drive in your 40s builds character in so many ways. You have learned patience, long-suffering, humility (it's hard to take a driving examination while everyone else around you are teenagers--in reality they're so scared themselves, they probably don't care why you're there), perseverance, and even self-control (we Aspies can easily let stress flood us, but we're fighting that much harder, too.). I would not be surprised if some of us accomplished amazing feats of character building in God's eyes, while in the eyes of the world we remain 'weirdos' or 'failures.'
I've seen people with IQs of 200 who could breeze through getting a Ph.D. and don't because it was too easy and they quit. Then there's me with my dyslexia and dysgraphia, Asperger's and and IQ of 140 or 150, and it was very difficult to get the degree. The challenge and the difficulty made it interesting for me--with a lot of God's help I made it, and even if I never work as a chemist again, nothing can take away my personal growth in getting my doctorate. I enjoy my mediocre musical keyboard skills, and still play for the fun of it, but my sister (incidentally, also Asperger's) is far more talented at piano and never plays at all anymore.
Maybe God somehow saw something very special in us, some special strength, that somehow made us worthy of the struggles we Aspies endure. If we persevere in our conditions and don't give up, great will our reward be! Try to remember when you're feeling down and defeated and that 'everybody' else is having fun, that they (NT people) didn't have the privilege of working as hard in the eyes of the Lord as we did. When we face Jesus, I suspect that nobody posting here will have anything to be ashamed of.
I hope this isn't too much, but it seems we need to see ourselves as being valuable members--in fact indispensable members of the Body of Christ. Remember Paul the Apostle said in First Corinthians 12:23-24 "And those members of the Body which we think to be less honorable {think Aspies and other 'eccentric' types that are difficult to get along with}, on these we bestow greater honor; and our unrepresentable parts have greater modesty, but our presentable parts {think NT people with their great social skills} have no need. But God composed the body, having given greater honor to that part which lacks it." {My remarks in the brackets} Think of it! God gives greater honor to what NT people dishonor and are downright ashamed of. What an amazing turnabout in the face of the world system or even in a complacent group of Christians! I'm not sure what God's extra honor means, but I sure like being in the position to receive it. Maybe we exist to make NT Christians develop character traits they'd otherwise not develop as God commands them to accept us for who we are, as we are. Perhaps having Asperger's Syndrome isn't so bad after all.