Trying this again...

[JesseRaymondBassett]

hello,
I really want some critique on my writing. The Anubis Rising didn't go over so well. COMMENTS please! Here's the new version of that. Its called Milgren's Ruby:



The Guganmite Saga- Book I

Milgren's Ruby

A Novel by Jesse Bassett



Chapter One- The Gift:
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Ken ran through the woods chasing his prey with haste. The creature stole the only thing remaining of his family history: the family medallion. Ken was more than determined to get it back. For centuries his family kept the jewel as a way of remembering those who fought in the Great War. To loose it would mean that Ken was irresponsible and ignorant of his surroundings. His family would disown him should he loose or misplace it.
Most of the time the creatures he chased were easy to catch. However this was not one was not so easy. It ran very fast and was able to jump over large objects that no mere human could. The conclusion that Ken came up with was the creature was not human. Whether or not it was alien was not an issue; the issue was to reclaim his medallion. Even if it meant killing the creature.... which was the last thing Ken wanted to do. He was not known to be prone to violence. He was more of a negotiator.
As they ran through the woods, Ken and his prey came upon a large temple. Made of alabaster stone, the temple had large statues of an unknown god carved into it. Looking towards the entrance to the temple, he saw the creature walk inside and disappear from view. Ken grabbed his spear and walked silently through the thicket and stood before the temple entryway. Inside he couldn't see a thing. It was dark as night and there was no sound coming from within.
Cautiously he entered the sacred ground, not knowing what to expect. As he ventured into the building, he saw torches being lit before him by an unseen force. He heard chanting and the sounds of bells in the distance. Something told him in his gut that he had entered sacred ground. The corridor got very narrow as he walked further into the heart of the holy place. It was then he came into a very large room. The ceiling was so high he could not see it. Before him was a giant statue, much like those he had seen in the entrance to the temple. He could barely make out the creature he was chasing as it sat meditating on the hand of the statue. It looked down at Ken and pointed. Suddenly, the ground began to shake. Ken jumped backwards as he tried to stand straight. It was then the statue began to speak!
"Welcome to my shrine Ken Guganmite of Earthia. You may come forward and lower your weapon. I mean thee no harm," the statue declared. Stepping forward, Ken slowly began to lower his spear. Within minutes he was face to face with the deity he had seen carved in the temple walls. Before him was a centaur.... white as snow, and shining bright as day. "I take it this form is more pleasing to you yes?"
"Um, yes it is. Listen, all I want is the medallion your friend took from me," Ken replied looking at the angel he was chasing. The centaur nodded and looked at Ken.
"Ken Guganmite of Earthia, you will receive your medallion after you receive my blessings and... gifts,"
"Gifts? I do not need any gifts from the likes of you," Ken said sharply. The centaur screamed and Ken was thrown backwards and he hit the wall, yelling in pain.
"I do not give gifts because you need them! I give gifts because I love the smiles on the faces of their recipients. I give gifts out of the joy of my soul,"
"Forgive me.... but I am not used to being in conversation with a god,"
"Apology accepted Ken. Rise," came the reply. Ken rose and stood tall and proud. "I am the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. The one and true God. The Great I am. I have existed far longer than this planet ever has. I stand before you now, asking for your help," Ken's eyes widened as he bowed.
"So the legends are true," he said. "The legends about a powerful God existing and acting in our everyday lives is not a lie as the warriors would have us believe. What is your bidding for my life?"
"My life is in danger. My archenemy, Lucifer, has taken mortal flesh. Disobeying my commandments, he has made an army and is planning on conquering the heavens, thus declaring himself God. If he succeeds, I will be destroyed... along with the galaxy. He will create a new universe, full of evil, lust, fornication, and sin. I, as supreme ruler of both the physical and spiritual worlds, cannot, under any circumstances. That is where you come in.
"I have receive reports that Satanious, as he calls himself now, is planning a surprise attack on the capital of the Americas; Minneapolis. The attack is in five days. I need you to inform the officials in Minneapolis and then guard the city with all costs. It must not be destroyed!" explained God. Ken's eyes widened once more as he listened to the claim. He accepted his mission and agreed to help the diety. When he rose, he realized he had a sword and shield in his hands. The sword was made of pure gold and had strange writings on it. The shield was made of copper. Ken then heard a voice in his head. Next to him was a cougar. I am your guardian, the cougar said. Ken nodded.
"Now go. You have everything you need to save my creation. Give me some hope... help me son," God said. Ken bowed one more time and then ran off into the sunset. Outside his temple was his horse. Getting on the horse, he headed off towards the fabled city of Minneapolis. Minneapolis was notorious for its criminal activity. Over the years it, along with the suburbs had become war-zones of gangs. However when the Great War occurred, there was nothing but ruins left.
The Great War was the battles which took place between the humans and the Sslyians. The Sslyians came from the depths of space,conquering many civilizations as they explored. Known throughout the universe for their brutality, the Sslyians were feared. Yet they found that the humans did not fear them. The humans gathered together as one species and defied the odds. Uniting as one, they tore the veil of race, skin color, and religion. Mankind fought... and won. Ken sighed as he rode onwards, not knowing what was in store. Meanwhile, halfway across the planet, in the Sahara Desert, a black tower was being constructed. This was the home of Satanious, god of the underworld, lord of death. Sitting in his tent overlooking the progress, Satanious smiled. He had come from the netherworld.....hell as the humans call it. His mission was simple: conquer the worlds and destroy the El-Shaddai. He knew God was growing weak. Without people believing in him, his powers were diminishing. The dark lord smiled at this thought. His hope, his ultimate goal, was to change the course of history. To stop the events in the Bible's last book, the book of revelations from coming true. If he could conquer the world of heaven and the world known as Earth, he would be invincible. He could then destroy his brother, the El-Shaddai! Finally he would have revenge!
Standing up, Satanious walked over to a round table. He pressed a button and a holographic map of the Earth appeared before him. It showed where his attack squads were fighting. Red dots blinked over Shanghai, Paris, and Los Angeles. Solid red dots were over the cities of London, Istanbul, Tokyo, and Washington D.C. Most of the known world was already under his power. The humans were at his mercy. Satanious had a thing for conquering and killing. Every-time his attack squads invaded a town, they left none alive. If they were to leave someone alive, that survivor could become rebellious and raise an army to oppose him. Suddenly, the hologram flickered and an image of one of his general's appeared.
"Greetings my lord," the general said.
"What is it General Vladimir? I strongly hope you bring good news. I am not in the mood for the latter," Satanious replied.
"I bring good and bad news sire,"
"I want the good news first,"
"Our league of darkness troops are two days march from Minneapolis. Within two days, the once peaceful metropolis will be no more," Vladimir announced. Satanious smiled as he awaited the bad news. "The bad news is this: we have learned that your brother, the El-Shaddai, has appointed an assassin to stop you from succeeding," What?! My brother thinks he can outsmart me eh? Let's see about that, Satanious thought.
"Who perse is this assassin?" asked a curious Satanious.
"His name is Ken Guganmite. He hails from the once great empire known simply as the United States. He is one of the last of his kind sire,"
"Interesting. How far is he from Minneapolis?"
"Approximately two hours," came the quick reply from the general. Damn!, thought Satanious.
"Do not start the invasion of Minneapolis until I give the orders. Understood General Vladimir?"
"Yes my lord. I shall await your orders," and the image disappeared. Distraught by this news, Satanious walked away to meditate in his shrine........







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[oncewaslost]

it's kind of difficult to tell where the paragraph breaks are. you asked for a critique, correct? before i start, word choice issues. it's lose, not loose. loose implies something not tight.

well, first off it appears you are more "telling" instead of "showing." i developed no attachment for ken. the reader it distant from him. why does the reader care of ken lost the medallion? i'd suggest shrouding the pursuit in mystery. another, the first sentence you have the word "prey" and then later state that ken is not the violent type. prey usually has negative connotations.

another thing, it's rushed. i agree you have to keep the action constant but it's a little too brisk.

i, personally, would have started off in third person thought. for example.

It was gone. The symbol of his family that had been passed down for generations since the end of the Great War was missing. The honor of his family was in the hands of an enemy and it was all his fault. He'd failed and there was only one way to redeem himself. He had to get it back.

The theif was quick and he had a head start. Ken dodged a tree branch, taking deep breaths as he trailed in hasty pursuit. Something was different about this pursuit than others. Ken wasn't sure but he felt the theif had unnatural speeds. How else could it vanish so suddenly?

ah, not that great but then i don't know your characters very well and it's just an example. just try giving enough information to let the reader picture the scenery in their minds instead of saying exactly where everything is and what it looks like. be vague, sometimes it's good.