Trust issues with boyfriends

[Birdie824]

In need of advice regarding my boyfriend not trusting me:
I have been dating my boyfriend for approximately a year now, we are exclusive and have had open communication on our desires to be married in the future. He is 41 years old and has never been married, no children and has shared with me that he has had trust issues with his only sibling, an older sister who lied to him while he was in high school. He told me that she hid college acceptance letters from him and denied that she did this. He found the mail hidden in a drawer and her explanation was that she didn't hide them she just put the mail away and forgot about it. He has never forgiven her. In addition, he has had a couple girlfriends over the years that have cheated on him. He explains to me that this is the reason for his dis-trust, etc. in our relationship. I am 39 years old and have been divorced for 12 years. My marriage lasted 4 years and ended after I learned of my ex-husbands infidelity. It took me many years of being alone and re-learning how to trust. The irony of this is that I feel like I finally found a man I can truly trust, we have many things in common and enjoy each others company, however he often has issues of distrust in me. I travel for my job, approx. every other month for about 3-5 days. We talk at least 2 times a day, whether I'm traveling or not. I have never given him any reason to distrust him. I am a very loyal person and love him very much. I communicate this to him all the time. The trust issues have been occuring on and off for our entire relationship - I was concerned in the beginning, but thought with time it might end, it has not and I am feeling helpless. Any suggestions?

 

[Ceris]

Hello Birdie and welcome to Christian Forums!

Ultimately I feel that if this man cannot place his trust in you after dating you for a year, then he will have such problems in the future as well. As you put it you were "concerned in the beginning, but thought with time it might end, it has not". In the end, this is a problem that is central to your boyfriend's character and though you might be able to help him with it, it is ultimately his problem that he must deal with and fix. I would not advise continuing in a relationship while leaving this problem unaddress. Otherwise this is something that could tear a realationship apart (that is, a lack of trust).

Have you gone and talked to him about how much his distrust bothers and concern's you? That might be one place to start. Is there paticular ways or topics in which he does not trust you? I hope that others here can give better advice that I and perhaps a little more advice on specifics of how to deal with this problem.

God Bless,
Ceris

 

[Birdie824]

Ceris, thank you for your feedback. To answer a couple of questions you brought up - my boyfriend has a challenge with my traveling. He understands it is a part of my job. I am in sales and entertain clients at pre-planned receptions and dinners during my travel with other colleagues. He knew this was a part of my job from the very beginning. In addition, he has trust issues at times with some phone call I may receive and if I did not recognize the phone number from call ID - he thinks it is some guy or something. This gets old after awhile. My thought was it would get better with time as he learns how much I love him and am loyal, etc. I do not give him any reason to feel insecure when I travel. We have talked about this at length and he understands that he has issues, but in the meantime it is destroying our relationship. It hurts me in that I respect him and his job and never "question" him about it and I feel I deserve the same back. He said he will work on it, however I fear it will continue as it has in the past. He refuses to talk to anyone (counselor) about this and wants to work it out on his own.

I do not want to loose him, because everthing else seems wonderful in our relationship. My concern is that this is already tearing us apart and I feel horrible that it would have to end. I feel like I finally found a wonderful man and he is.

 

[mostie]

I had this issue with my ex---and for the 10 years of our marriage, the trust issue was a huge issue for him. I, like you, figured that after a period of time where he saw and realized that I was trustworthy, he would be more trusting of me. That was never the case. He had gone into the relationship with me (and to make matters worse, I have known him since I was 15- )determined that he was not going to trust me- or anyone else, for that matter. I suffered the jealousy issues- I was accused of things that he absolutely knew weren't true- and it got to the point where every time I found myself in a situation- example, we would be out and some man would look at me or smile at me - where I would be practically panicky because I knew he would get mad, and he always did- and he always blamed me for them looking at me- he would tell me I had done something to make them look at me, and the truth is I wasnt doing a thing---sigh. I feel for you- because I know from experience that if he has trust issues, and he doesn't want to get counseling or anything else for it, it's going to be very difficult for you- and you will end up excusing his behavior just to keep peace in the relationship.

If he truly loves you, and you obviously love him....in order to put the relationship on the road it needs to be on - mutual trust - I think I would give the man an ultimatum- that you two need to go into counseling to get some help for this--at his age, im guessing he's mature enough to realize that this needs to be taken care of- he can't use past grievances such as his sister, and the two women he dated, to determine that you are not trustworthy either-

 

[Ceris]

I am sorry to say birdie, but from what you have told me then this is the situation: If your boyfriend does not get over himself and his own problems and choose to trust you, then it WILL NOT work out. I realize that he has his own issues, but they are just that - his.

Ultimately, it comes down to a single choice for him - to trust you or not.

 

[bliz]

Birdie -

If you were to marry him, expect the situation to get even worse. Then it will be his wife who is getting phone calls from men, his wife who is at business/social functions without him, and his wife who is turning out to be like all of the other women in his life.

If at age 41 he has not made peace with what his sister did to him (a really rotten thing, but it was a long time ago...) even by simply deciding that she was terrible and not having any future contact with her - then I see very little hope for any sort of a relationship with him.

If you want to give it a good shot, ask him to go to counseling both on his own and with you. The only way I see this getting any better is if he gets some professional help. Please! Don't marry this guy without this situation improving greatly!

 

[Birdie824]

Bliz, Mostie & Ceris, I appreciate your feedback and will take most definitely take it into consideration and hope for the best. We have talked about this at great length and he has told me that he is going to make every effort to recognize the issue when he is feeling the distrust and will work on it. He is unfortunately uncomfortable in speaking with a professional about it. I feel I have to see this through and I know in my heart that there are going to be some hard times ahead and that I need to be focused on sticking to my word in regards to possibly having to break it off if it continues and becomes an even more difficult situation. Because at that point I know I have given it my best shot and there is nothing more I can possibly do. Thank you again and God Bless.

 

[Ceris]

You're more than welcome. May all go well.

-Ceris

 

[Rox]

Birdie, I wondered if there was a pre-marraige class offered at your Church or some other Church? My husband and I married a year ago and we found that class to be invaluable. Other couples in the class agreed, some of the partners were not Christians, either. I really feel strongly about doing something like this, and I hope there is a class available to you, especially since you feel convicted to move forward, and I am sure you so love him. God bless you, have a great week!