True Freedom

[Hisbygrace]

So, this is how it feels at the rock bottom of despair
When the house I built comes crashing down
And
This is how it feels when I know that the man I say I am
Is not the man I am when no ones around

This is how it feels to come alive again
When fighting back to gain control
And
This is how it feels to let freedom in
To break the chain that enslaves my soul.

 

[SimplyUnique]

very nice, sad, but nice

 

[Hisbygrace]

Thank you.

 

[bvwsmaker]

Sorry, I feel like I'm missing a verse. It seemed to make a leap from verse one to two that might not be quite established. Plus, I think the first word "So" throws the poem a little off kilter and could easily be dropped without losing anything. Also, the solitary "And" in both verses doesn't seem to accomplish anything and probably could be dropped as well without losing anything.

So to sum up my criticism (which is hopefully constructive), I think you've got a very good beginning and a very good ending. It might just need a middle to tie them together a little tighter.

On second reading, I do notice a few things you could do to tighten it up. Try changing "rock bottom" to something one syllable (like well, cave, depth, plunge etc.). Maybe also drop the words "I know that" completely to "when the man I say I am". Perhaps changing the next line to "Is not the same man when no one's around". And the last line could personalize "the chain" with "my chain(s)" (plural your choice) if you wish with possibly changing "that enslaves" to "enslaving".

So overall, I think the poem has wonderful potential. Right now, it's just ok. But working it around some, it could be really good. Hopefully some of my suggestions will stimulate you to greater creativity (though you're free to completely ignore any or all of them too)!

 

[mamabear4]

So, this is how it feels at the rock bottom of despair
When the house I built comes crashing down
And
This is how it feels when I know that the man I say I am
Is not the man I am when no ones around

This is how it feels to come alive again
When fighting back to gain control
And
This is how it feels to let freedom in
To break the chain that enslaves my soul.

This is a wonderful poem and very stirring. I found it easy to identify with, as I suppose many people would. I like the free verse yet easy flow of rhythm appealing.

originally written by bvwsmaker: Also, the solitary "And" in both verses doesn't seem to accomplish anything and probably could be dropped as well without losing anything.

As b'maker stated, I too think deleting the "and" in the middle of the verses would smooth things out.

[size=+0] Try changing "rock bottom" to something one syllable (like well, cave, depth, plunge etc.). Maybe also drop the words "I know that" completely to "when the man I say I am". Perhaps changing the next line to "Is not the same man when no one's around". And the last line could personalize "the chain" with "my chain(s)" (plural your choice) if you wish with possibly changing "that enslaves" to "enslaving". [/size]

I also agree about the first line smoothing out with less syllables. I suggest dropping "rock" and simply use "bottom of despair." Or using the "rock" for a metaphor for how you feel - heavy and impossible to change.

I agree with b'maker on the other suggestions, too. That was a good critique.


This is a good poem and if you don't want to tweak it anymore you'll still have a good poem. Great job.