Troubles with a Female

[brightlights]

I wasn't sure where to put this, but I could really use some advice.

I've known Kristen for roughly 1 year and some months. We were
friends for about a year and we became very close friends about 6
months ago. A few months back, we started dating. At first, we
shared an amazing dating relationship. I felt like I was "in love"
with her and I was utterly infatuated. We dated for close to two
months and then a few things happened. Firstly, I became more busy.
My schedual became filled with different ministry things that I began
doing. I don't really know why and I don't really know how, but I
also became less and less affectionate toward her. It seemed like a
kind of "honeymoon is over" type thing, but I think that I began to
become annoyed by certain aspects about her.

Again, I don't really know what happened. It just happened. I had
never experienced these things when we were friends. We hung out less
and less and we did not speak on the phone as often as we once did.
Frankly, I was probably a jerk to her in these ways. I became
impatient and outwardly apathetic towards her, which is horrible. She
decided to break up with me. We broke up and I wanted to get the
relationship back that we had when we were just friends. She
regretted splitting up and wanted to get back together as
boy/girlfriend. I thought about the situation and I didn't want to do
that. We're both going off to different colleges in the fall and
we're not a sexually active couple, praise God. I figured that there
wasn't much of a point in having a dating relationship and that we could just be friends. Again, I wanted to have the relationship that we had before we started dating.

For one reason or another, we haven't gotten that relationship back.
I don't know why, but I find myself detaching myself from her. I act
coldly toward her at times. At time I become annoyed with her or with
certain things about her. I hardly ever act this way toward anyone
else. It's really weird and I don't really know why it's happening.
I do love her, but it's sometimes very difficult for me to show it
because sometimes it's difficult for me to feel it. I do show it and
feel it at times, though, by the grace of God. I don't know what my
problem is and I don't know what happened to us.

I told her tonight that I felt that we should not have dated. I said
that it seems that it has only hurt our relationship. This really
upset her because she still has hopes of the two of us getting back
together as boy/girlfriend. I do not wish to date her again. Not in
a physical way, but in a personal and on a deeper level it is
difficult for me to find myself attracted to her. I don't know why
this has changed, because I used to be very attracted to her on these
levels. Guiltily, I catch myself becoming attracted to other girls.
I think that it is all infatuation, though. It's really silly and
childish. What happened to our relationship and how can we fix it?
How can I thaw all of this ice that is around my heart toward her?

Any advice that anyone could offer would be much appreciated. Prayers would be awesome, as well.

In Christ,
Billy​

 

[Fatolia]

Oh geesh, man, I can totally relate to what you're going through. The best thing to do, I think, is just to sit down with her and tell her exactly what you're going through. Hold nothing back. She probably won't be the one to initiate the conversation, so it'll be up to you to start it.

Some, but not all, women tend to become very clingy and desperate when they sense the man they like is slipping away; this could be one of those cases. By not telling her how things are going inside you, she is going to feel like she has been stringed along, and it could cause some deep wounds that would affect her relationships with future men. IMO, it's better to release her of this than wonder if something ever could have happened between you two. It takes a real manly courage to do this, but it is both the right thing and the Christ-like thing to do. If it's not working out as a dating couple, that's not your nor her fault. You're just not compatible, that's all. Don't fret about it and pray to the Lord that you'll be able to move on.

I'm going to be brutally honest here. Every woman this situation has happened with, where I have told her how I felt because I sensed she was so irritated, once she found out I really didn't want to go further, I never heard from her again. Once I even opened my mouth about how I felt about her, she dropped off the face of the planet. Although I was seriously interested in a friendship, apparently none of them were. I think I'm on my third or fourth woman this has happened to in the past two years...I lost count; it makes me real queasy. But that wasn't my fault; that was their fault and their loss. In your case, the friendship could be over, but it wouldn't be your fault; it would be hers...again, no need to fret. I hope this is a fair warning so you won't be too surprised if it happens to you. Just continue to pray for her.

 

[plum]

I partially disagree with Fatolia. If the friendship doesn't come back, it may be nobody's fault on their own. You've been admittedly cold and annoyed with her and have avoided her. The way I read it, that's not her fault. The fact that she wants to date you, well... that is adding another layer to wade through. I'm glad that you're not confused about it though. Do make it clear to her that it's not your intention to date her again. But does she know what you valued about your friendship? Why do you want it back if she's annoying you and you aren't making that effort? what was it about her in particular? Sadly, one cannot erase the fact that you dated. You may regret it, but it happened and you must start from where you are now. Something a lot of people do (myself included) is wish for relationships to be just like they once were. But honestly, things have changed. you CAN'T have it exactly like you had it before. Nobody can. You're different people, you've had a different kind of relationship, and you shouldn't be holding your past friendship up on a pedestal because frankly, no relationship can just move back in time. You have to start now.
So what can you do? I suppose you can say to yourself, "the way we are today, do I want to be good friends with her? Can I? Can I move forward? Can she?"

I guess that's the starting point for any relationship. Don't live in the past.

 

[bliz]

The big mistake made by both of you was to try and restore the friendship right after breaking off the romantic relationship. This never, ever works! Now you are left with neither relationship and a former friend who is now very hurt and angry.

I know that a lot of young people talk about doing this, staying friends after a break up, and that really is healthier than becoming sworn enemies, but it simply cannot be done overnight. You cannot be a couple on Tuesday and "just friends" on Friday. Or next Friday, or the next. Our emotions cannot be turned on and off. There needs to be a time period for the relationship to die and be mourned over, especially when one of the party was not interested in breaking up. The young lady has had no opportunity to bury the old feelings, and you are reacting to the remnents that you don't like seeing.

You need to back off - back way off. She is going to be looking for a glimmer of romance left between the two and you are going to keep making the distance between the two of you plain. Perhaps in time the two of you can restore the friendship you once had.

 

[brightlights]

I don't have time to reply fully at the moment, but I'd like you three to know that these responses have been extremely insightful and helpful. May God bless you all.