Trouble in Paradise

[Helpme22]

Hi I'm new here. I'll try to keep this short. Been married for 11 years. One child who is 6. I grew up in a dysfunctional family and I got married because I was trying to escape it. My husband has always been a drama king and even from the very beginning there was trouble. to be honest - i just chose to ignore the flashing red signs.

I need to know if my marriage can be saved. We worked in the same profession. It was clear from the start that my field of expertise was always going to pay a lot more than his. He used to crack jokes that I was his "money honey". Well that's just the beginning of our issues. The pressure has always been on me to make more than 250k a year. first it was 100 and then we outspent that. He wanted bigger houses etc. Well, we quickly wound up broke.

Then I got the 250k a year job and it only lasted 3 years. We spent all of the money and I got transferred to another job that paid about 175k. Instead of him keeping his job until HE found one in our new town - he quit. THen, was out of work for 7 months. During that time I nearly freaked out. I started writing ebooks on the side trying to get income. He didn't seem phased by the fact that we were soon going to be in bankruptcy. He looked for jobs but not with the passion he should have. I got him his current job and he's already threatened to quit it a few times. Now we are living pay check to paycheck. He takes our son out on the weekends so I can write -- he keeps saying that soon "you are going to hit it big and be a millionaire and buy us a big house - I just know it". So basically he has me working a full time job -- trying to be a parent and then working at night and the weekends.

I've asked him to step it up -- it doesn't happen. He says that he doesn't have the talents to have his own business etc. He is now suggesting I write erotica.

He is the type of man who suggested I sue my Mom after my Dad died for his inheritance....he left it all to her and then she will give it to the kids when she dies. He suggested I check out his will and make sure that's what it said and then hire an attorney.

He asked his parents for 15k after they were both diagnosed with different diseases -- in their 70s and working through cancer. I told him NO! We can't do that. I was making 250 a year at that point and he asked for the money anyway... I overheard him on the phone.

He throws fits when he's under pressure. When my son was 4 he was playing on the bed and accidentally stepped on him. My husband "accidentally" kicked him in the rib cage to the point where he couldn't breathe. My therapist called CPS on that and CPS ruled it was indeed just an accident. But, a few weeks later he couldn't retell his "accident" story the same way..."he couldn't remember"

Now days -- things are much calmer. (except for the stress on me) He goes to work in the morning -- makes me coffee before leaving. THen comes home and makes dinner (he loves to cook and clean). Then He starts drinking wine. Usually about a bottle a night. He falls asleep on the couch around 9:30. and the cycle begins again.

He doesn't seem to have a violent/angry tendency like he did when our son was young. He went to therapy after the CPS incident (my requirement) and said that he's all better.

My problem? I'm burned out. I'm tired. I'm scared we are going to go broke. we are living paycheck to paycheck because we have so much debt. If I lose my job - we are done. My family is in another state and they don't trust me financially after they found out I was snooping on my Dad's will. So - it's just a situation where I'm scared. I want to have a protecter - a provider. Someone who loves me and will take care of me. I'm so nervous everyday that I am not going to be able to make the money necessary to keep us afloat and honestly all I want to do at this point is stay home with my son. I miss being a Mom -- I feel like I'm always stressed.

Any advice? Can this marriage be salvaged? I'm going back to therapy tonight -- because I know I need it. I'm 37 and scared.

thanks for reading...

 

[LinkH]

Can the marriage be saved? Yes, I think it can. For his faults, I think you can tough it out if he doesn't improve much. You get married 'for better or for worse.' If your husband doesn't have a mindset to take financial responsibility for the family, that's "worse" than if he does, but you are married for better or for worse.

I listened to a presentation of an academic paper of a Marketing researcher looking at the Chinese context. His question was what things made people happy. After a certain bare minimum of space needed to live, a larger house did not make people happy. A bigger house and a longer drive time was a bad combination. Jewelry did not make people happy. Hot water as opposed to cold for showers did make people happy. Of course, you could argue over how he defined happy. It had to do with being pleased with a product or service.

I think first of all, your husband needs to change his philosophy. He needs to think of himself as the one responsible for bringing home the bacon, and anything you bring home is gravy. Maybe a Crown Financial course would be good for him. I am not sure about their course, but the Larry Burkette radio program advises that families set their budget according to the man's salary. The woman's salary can go into savings or for extras if she works.

If he could go to some kind of seminar where Voddie Baucham was teaching on the role of the man, that would be good. If not, you could watch his videos together on YouTube. Is Promise Keepers still around?

If you both give up the desire for a big house, a fancy car, and the latest technology in entertainment and telecommunications, you can live a whole lot cheaper. I could probably live on $250K and provide for my family for 5 years, and I live in one of the most expensive cities in the US. (I'm in grad school, and I've lived on less than that.) Just don't live up to your means. The lower salary figure you mentioned is extremely large. But if your husband makes $50k, set your housing at a quarter to half of his income. Even in Southern California, Hawaii, or New York, you probably get a place for that much if you don't insist on a large place to live. Maybe your salary could go toward college savings for the kids if you don't have any left over for that.

 

[Puptart]

Your husband needs to go back to therapy. Drinking a bottle of wine every night is not OK. You also both should be in marital counseling in addition to individual counseling so you can work on issues together, not just separately.

Can the marriage be saved? Of course it can. But it depends entirely on everyone getting their heads on straight in whatever way it needs to happen.

 

[Helpme22]

He won't go back to counseling. He thinks everything is just fantastic. Never been better. He also will not change our Money
situation. If I told him I was going to have him be the provider...he would have heart failure. I'm just so stressed and worried.

 

[Puptart]

So he refuses to go to counseling, refuses to change the money situation...

I'll be honest with you that I don't think a marriage can survive one person being so pig-headed as to be in the midst of huge money problems and outright continue to say "I'm still not changing a thing". You can't fix the problems you don't acknowledge and that leaves you and you alone to figure out everything, which is supposed to be done by the both of you.

What about making an appointment to talk with your Priest? Some people respond better to the religious authority. Also just so you know, we have a Catholic sub-forum on this board in case you want to talk to any other Catholics, not to say that non-Catholics like us can't give good advice but I know the Catholic crowd here is tight-knit and mostly hangs out in their sub-forum: http://www.christianforums.com/f26/

Is your husband also Catholic? Does he go to Church? Have an active spiritual life?

 

[Helpme22]

Thanks for your reply. I don't know what to do. I have suggested a priest and he has resisted that in the past. He does go to church and that is when we go as a family.

He has gone to therapy before when I demanded it but the changes are usually short lived, if made at all. He also gets very defensive during therapy.

 

[LinkH]

So he refuses to go to counseling, refuses to change the money situation...

I'll be honest with you that I don't think a marriage can survive one person being so pig-headed as to be in the midst of huge money problems and outright continue to say "I'm still not changing a thing".

Countless marriages have, especially back before covenant-breaking was so popular. I can think of a couple I know off the top of my head.

I'd imagine it's not fun, but the marriage can go in spite of it. Let's hope this one doesn't follow that route.

 

[Puptart]

He has gone to therapy before when I demanded it but the changes are usually short lived, if made at all. He also gets very defensive during therapy.

Sadly changes that are not made because he wants to make them won't stick. That's how things go generally, so this isn't surprising. Unless you make a change because you honestly see the problem and you honestly want to fix it, you're just making superficial adjustments so that other people around you will think everything is fine. And that isn't a solution.

Unlike LinkH who would probably stay married through absolutely anything P), I personally wouldn't stay in a marriage like that because frankly I'm a fan of not wasting my life of people who refuse to change (my ex-husband for example) -- but that's me. Honestly when he "accidentally" kicked your child and then couldn't keep his story straight.. I'd probably have been gone.

That's not to say I'm suggesting divorce, but I'm also not saying the marriage is going to be fine and that it's going to last forever and ever in the current state -- nor would I ever say you should stay in it forever and ever if nothing changes. I'm realistic like that.

You did mention in the original post that there are positive things going on with you two.. that things are calmer, that he makes you breakfast, he cooks and cleans. These are all positive things and a good sign that there is obviously a good situation here beneath the stress and problems.. But if you can barely keep a roof over your head and you can barely keep your sanity in check on the best of days due to stress, you are far from out of the woods and if you continue on this path you will burn out completely before you know it. What happens then is rarely pretty. Your mental health is important, not to mention that it directly impacts your physical health as well. You need to stand up for what you need to happen here, because I'm not sure your husband understands the situation's gravity.

But then how you proceed from here on out will only depend on how much you're willing to put up with I'm afraid: How long are you willing to wait for change basically. Because he shows no indication of changing and that's a very bleak future.

I'd make the appointment to see your priest. You say he'll go if you want him to go.. I'd give this a try because through God all things are possible. Of course the problem is that while things are possible, they aren't always probable (realism again talking).

I don't have a lot of advice to give you other than to keep pushing for counseling. Even if it's your choice and not his, it's definitely better than not going at all.

 

[ImaginaryDay]

He won't go back to counseling. He thinks everything is just fantastic. Never been better. He also will not change our Money
situation. If I told him I was going to have him be the provider...he would have heart failure. I'm just so stressed and worried.

I believe you are correct that your husband needs to step up and stop acting like a child to be provided for (my words) by you. He is draining you both dry and this needs to stop. For YOU I would suggest that you check out the ministry/teachings of Dave Ramsey here:

Dave Ramsey Homepage - daveramsey.com

Along with books and his 'Financial Peace University' program he has a radio program that is syndicated across the U.S. and may be on where you live. His methods are a bit radical, but it sounds as if radical is what you both need at this point. If your husband does not want to get on board, there are some definite things I believe you could start to implement on your own to protect yourself and your son's interests while he tries to get his act together.

 

[Romanseight2005]

The thing is, you can give him tough love. No, I am not talking about divorce, or even separation. But you can open up an account, and have the money stored there, where he has no access tot. You can leave the account that he has access to, with budgeted funds. You can choose whether or not to sell the house, and buy a cheaper one or whatever. He needs a swift slap in the face, so to speak, and he needs to know that as long as you are the only one contributing to the finances, than you have every right to make and enforce the budget.

 

[Avniel]

Countless marriages have, especially back before covenant-breaking was so popular. I can think of a couple I know off the top of my head.

I'd imagine it's not fun, but the marriage can go in spite of it. Let's hope this one doesn't follow that route.

Agreed

 

[The Princess Bride]

I think you may need to limit your husband's access to YOUR income if you are that concerned about finances. Remove his name from any joint account - set a weekly or monthly budget - coupon/cut frivolous spending/eat out/etc - whatever is necessary. If he has no "gravy money" that may push him to get a job and step up. If you make 250K a year - there is no reason why you should be facing pankruptcy.

 

[Helpme22]

Thanks for all of these great replies. I really appreciate it.
Here's the thing: I can't just squirrel away money. We are using every red cent. At this point, the only big purchases are our rent and car payments. The rest is purely paying bills. I don't make 250 anymore. I make 150 and my husband makes 78k. Obviously, still good income. But, he is insisting that our son go to private school this year ... At about 600 a month. I would love that, too. But the money is tight.

I started going to therapy again. My husband is back on his typical pattern of being "mr perfect" just as he was after the incident of "accidentally" kicking our son. He made me this gourmet dinner tonight and says all of a sudden he wants to "pamper me".

It's just killing me. The thing is his tactics work. He starts that stuff and I feel bad about hurting him or making him mad.

I have honestly considered telling him that I want to work less ... Take a new job with more child friendly hours and that I'm nearing an emotional meltdown.

He will freak out. I just know it. We signed a year lease on our house and he will use that against me.

But I think bringing it up, might allow me to see his true colors. If he doesn't step up I think I'm done. Am I out of line?

 

[Romanseight2005]

Thanks for all of these great replies. I really appreciate it.
Here's the thing: I can't just squirrel away money. We are using every red cent. At this point, the only big purchases are our rent and car payments. The rest is purely paying bills. I don't make 250 anymore. I make 150 and my husband makes 78k. Obviously, still good income. But, he is insisting that our son go to private school this year ... At about 600 a month. I would love that, too. But the money is tight.

I started going to therapy again. My husband is back on his typical pattern of being "mr perfect" just as he was after the incident of "accidentally" kicking our son. He made me this gourmet dinner tonight and says all of a sudden he wants to "pamper me".

It's just killing me. The thing is his tactics work. He starts that stuff and I feel bad about hurting him or making him mad.

I have honestly considered telling him that I want to work less ... Take a new job with more child friendly hours and that I'm nearing an emotional meltdown.

He will freak out. I just know it. We signed a year lease on our house and he will use that against me.

But I think bringing it up, might allow me to see his true colors. If he doesn't step up I think I'm done. Am I out of line?

It sounds like you know his pattern of behavior? Private school, if it is for the cause of Christ, meaning that the school will teach him Godly values and truth, can be rea;;y good, and totally worth any sacrifice. If it's in God's will, He will provide the way to do it, without you killing yourself. It might mean living in a smaller, or older house, etc. It might mean getting by with one car, but if it's in God's will, it won't mean emotional meltdown.

If your husband is abusing your son though, you need to keep your son safe, period. Really pray about the right road to take, and tell your husband that if private school is God's will, then you can find a way, but nightly bottles of wine, etc. won't be in the budget.

Finally, since you know his pattens of behavior, don't be deceived. I know that might sound easier said than done, but stand by your convictions.

 

[Helpme22]

I just sat down with the budget. There is no way. Gosh... I have been in denial too. This is just NOT good. We just can't afford what we have right now. I don't know what we are going to do.

 

[Romanseight2005]

I just sat down with the budget. There is no way. Gosh... I have been in denial too. This is just NOT good. We just can't afford what we have right now. I don't know what we are going to do.

Is there any way to change what you have right now? Like, could you sell a vehicle, or sell your house and move to something smaller, etc.?

 

[Puptart]

I have honestly considered telling him that I want to work less ... Take a new job with more child friendly hours and that I'm nearing an emotional meltdown.

In my opinion you need to do this. You need to tell him the open and honest truth, and yes you do need to discover first-hand how he'll react. You predict he'll freak out, but maybe by some miracle he won't. Either way, you need to know and you should probably do it soon rather than drag it out until you burn out completely.

You mentioned him "stepping up" -- you should make a very detailed list of what him "stepping up" means to you, so that both you and he (and we, if you feel like sharing) understand what it means. Write everything down and sit down with him in a calm discussion and go over what the problems are and what the solutions might be.

If he doesn't respond calmly at first, the discussion should probably be put on hold and you should go back to it after he's calmed down. If after two or three tries he refuses to calm down or discuss it, then that's when you have a major problem on your hands.. nothing can get done until both parties are willing to sit at the table and just talk.

You can't problem-solve a marriage by yourself. Right now that's your biggest hurdle. If he's not on board, then he's already mentally checking himself outta this marriage. He wants in for the good things and out for the bad. It can't work like that.

 

[Puptart]

I just sat down with the budget. There is no way. Gosh... I have been in denial too. This is just NOT good. We just can't afford what we have right now. I don't know what we are going to do.

Whoops I just saw this.

I can tell you what you do: Sell what you don't need, and do it as fast as possible. Get what money you can and put it right to the debt, do not pass go, do not collect $100... wait, no, collect $100

But seriously, sell things. Whatever you don't need. Balancing that budget is more important than things. Extraneous furniture, decor, vehicles, even clothing can sometimes be sold on craigslist and similar places. Get a piece of paper and go through the house and make a big list of what you consider to be a "need" and what you consider to be a "not need".

 

[Helpme22]

Well we just moved into this house last month! Year lease! I did it without looking at the budget excluding all the money I'm bringing in on my side projects. I just can't do them anymore. I'm working non stop. If we move, we'd break a lease, look like fools and disrupt our son. I'd hate to do this to him!

We are upside down severely on both cars. We must have two cars to get to work. And I really don't know WHAT my husband could do to garner more money. He has turned down freelance work so much lately (being lazy) that they are no longer offering it to him. I asked him to take the job last weekend and he didn't.

I mean he could get side work but that would require him really trying... And I don't see that happening.

The last time I told him we had to change because we were so tapped out financially ... He said he would go "sweep floors overnights at Walmart and then go straight to day job if thats what I really wanted. He also said he would buy a scooter".

The worse thing is if this ends with us splitting... It's going to require us moving out of the house. I couldn't afford it on my own.

Gosh... I think his reaction will tell me if I should stay or go. But I'm petrified either way.

 

[Romanseight2005]

Well we just moved into this house last month! Year lease! I did it without looking at the budget excluding all the money I'm bringing in on my side projects. I just can't do them anymore. I'm working non stop. If we move, we'd break a lease, look like fools and disrupt our son. I'd hate to do this to him!

We are upside down severely on both cars. We must have two cars to get to work. And I really don't know WHAT my husband could do to garner more money. He has turned down freelance work so much lately (being lazy) that they are no longer offering it to him. I asked him to take the job last weekend and he didn't.

I mean he could get side work but that would require him really trying... And I don't see that happening.

The last time I told him we had to change because we were so tapped out financially ... He said he would go "sweep floors overnights at Walmart and then go straight to day job if thats what I really wanted. He also said he would buy a scooter".

The worse thing is if this ends with us splitting... It's going to require us moving out of the house. I couldn't afford it on my own.

Gosh... I think his reaction will tell me if I should stay or go. But I'm petrified either way.

There's the rub. Sometimes selling a car, etc. can really attack your pride, but it can be so liberating! You could buy a used car with the money you get from selling the new one. As far as needing two cars, are you sure about that? Could you arrange your schedules so that one of you drives the other to work? Could one of you ride the bus? I have done that.

As far as breaking the lease, again, you do what you have to do, you know? I honestly think that teaching you son to live within your means, will benefit him far more, then knocking yourself out with debt will. In fact debt can be a horrible generational bondage, much like dug abuse, etc. By not doing what you need to to live within your means, you are likely actually modeling debt bondage to your son. I am niot trying to make you feel bad, but I have been there. It really is so much better to swallow your pride, then to hold on to things that are causing you bondage, and believe me, your house, etc. is a bondage right now.

Again, sorry if it sounds gharsh. I know it's not an easy thing to do, but it really van be so freeing, once you actually do it.