trapped in agony

[Ribosome]

my life has been too hard from the beginning of my life, i've had debilitating social anxiety, and i've spent my days in either anxiety or depression, then i got on SSRI's, and things got so much worse than i could have ever imagined. the drugs destroyed me completely. i never had OCD, the drugs gave me OCD, i have horrendous akathesia/agitation in my legs and body 24/7, i totally lost my ability to sleep and require pills to just get some crappy sleep, i have a ton of other terrible symptoms too. i've been on millions of pills since, and no doctor was able to help me at all. i've been suffering in hell for the past 2.5 years, every second.

to top all that off the OCD prevents me from having any faith in god. everytime i start to have faith, the OCD tells me right away "what if youre wrong, what if god isnt real?" and it kills all my faith, so i live without faith in my horrendous agony. how can anyone live like this without faith and hope? i cant even pray to god with faith, i pray as if im talking to the air. whats the point of living like this? how is god ever gonna hear me when i think im talking to the air and dont mean what i pray cause doubt is in me? i cant even talk to god, and i dont feel him in me, im filled with the OCD doubt. i really cant go on living like this... all my physical agony, then my mental agony, then the emotional agony, then the spiritual agony to top all that off... im a zero!! i really want to kill myself, i was suicidal for a long time. i love my parents, but wants the point of living without hope? i just cant take living in my severe agony without god.

what is a technique to dealing with this faith OCD? what do i tell myself to avoid this doubt? don't just tell me CBT, describe the technique and what to do.

i feel im destined to go to hell because i have no faith due to OCD. and god doesnt hear me or care about me anymore. why would he give me a disease that doesnt even let me have faith in him? isnt that just unfair?

 

[seajoy]

Wow, you sound like me 20yrs ago. I had the same OCD thoughts as you. In and out of hospitals/psych wards etc.... Until one day, God gave me a verse. Be still and know that I am God. That very day, I was diagnosed properly for the first time, with OCD, after 8yrs of suffering 24/7. I even had the thoughts about God in my sleep - when I could sleep.

I'm real sorry you have had so much trouble with your pills. Prozac seems to work well for my OCD, and Trazodone for at night. But along with this, I was sent to an expert in OCD (psychiatrist). He taught me how to do Exposure/Response Therapy. It worked! I barely think of these things anymore. If I do they are very fleeting, and I don't worry about them.

The way that therapy works, is that you trick your brain into not caring about the thoughts anymore. Every time (and I mean every time) you have a bad thought about God or your faith, you say to yourself "so what." Then you don't try and take it back, or reassure yourself in any way. You can even say "yep I agree." Then go on with your day. Do this every time. And trust me, I know what that will mean for you - it will be constant at first. "I don't care"...every 10 seconds or so. Where there is no war, there is no more OCD. I know it all sounds goofy, but it works.

And remember. God understands OCD. You actually still have your faith - your brain is just telling you junk, and we OCD'ers don't have the filter to let these thoughts go right out of our heads. So we need to train ourselves. The best way for you to do therapy, is with a psychiatrist that understands OCD treatment. It's a long tedious journey to recovery, but it's possible. God can and will help you through it.

If one psych guy/gal doesn't work for you, then try another one, until you find the one that "gets" OCD treatment. It took me 11 doctors to find the right one. It's worth the fight for your own sanity. Put as much into finding the right treatment as you do on trying to reassure yourself....and you will go a long way.

Remember "Be still and know that I am God." Keep still, no more fighting the thoughts. Agree with them, and let them go right through your head. You will have a wave of anxiety - but that will start to pass in time. Let God take care of this. It's not a fight against thoughts, it's an illness. No more fighting. You can do this, and so can anyone else with OCD. My doctor told me I had the worst case he had ever seen....and it worked for me. We eventually did a newspaper article on my OCD to give others hope. God has blessed me so much through this whole thing. God will never give us more than we can bear, but He will give us a way out. I believe that with all my heart.

 

[Accune]

^You are right about not fighting it because it is like a Chinese finger trap.I tried to rebuke it like I did the sexual thoughts,but with my nervousness I made some mistakes that put my mind in the "Oh no I did it now" hole with the unpardonable sin.

 

[Christian-Catholic]

my life has been too hard from the beginning of my life, i've had debilitating social anxiety, and i've spent my days in either anxiety or depression, then i got on SSRI's, and things got so much worse than i could have ever imagined. the drugs destroyed me completely. i never had OCD, the drugs gave me OCD, i have horrendous akathesia/agitation in my legs and body 24/7, i totally lost my ability to sleep and require pills to just get some crappy sleep, i have a ton of other terrible symptoms too. i've been on millions of pills since, and no doctor was able to help me at all. i've been suffering in hell for the past 2.5 years, every second.

to top all that off the OCD prevents me from having any faith in god. everytime i start to have faith, the OCD tells me right away "what if youre wrong, what if god isnt real?" and it kills all my faith, so i live without faith in my horrendous agony. how can anyone live like this without faith and hope? i cant even pray to god with faith, i pray as if im talking to the air. whats the point of living like this? how is god ever gonna hear me when i think im talking to the air and dont mean what i pray cause doubt is in me? i cant even talk to god, and i dont feel him in me, im filled with the OCD doubt. i really cant go on living like this... all my physical agony, then my mental agony, then the emotional agony, then the spiritual agony to top all that off... im a zero!! i really want to kill myself, i was suicidal for a long time. i love my parents, but wants the point of living without hope? i just cant take living in my severe agony without god.

what is a technique to dealing with this faith OCD? what do i tell myself to avoid this doubt? don't just tell me CBT, describe the technique and what to do.

i feel im destined to go to hell because i have no faith due to OCD. and god doesnt hear me or care about me anymore. why would he give me a disease that doesnt even let me have faith in him? isnt that just unfair?

Wow the faith ocd is exactly what im going through right now and what ive been going through for the past 7 months. This is one of the trickiest thoughts to ignore because it attacks the being that is more important to us than anything on earth , Our Lord. The other problem is that not only do the thoughts seem real but the accompanying feelings that go along with it seem very real, but they are not because they are causing you this much anxiety. I was told by Gracealone that exposure response therapy is the best one for this type of ocd, but it can be really emotionally stressfull to go through. Im just trying to land a good therapist that can guide me through it that I could trust. Believe me my friend, this is the worst agony any human being can go through because its so hard to ignore.

I will keep you posted on what techniques they use on me once I land a good therapist that I could trust. I recently found a very good one but she charges 155 dollars per session (<< but she said that if one of her lower paying clients cancels at anytime she will take me in at %) dollars per session>

give exposure response a try and ask your therapist about it>

 

[shelovesChrist]

Grant,

at one point in the midst of the extreme agony death felt better than living everyday with OCD, but God doesnt just create us to create us. We all have a special purpose and it He hasn't called us home yet, then we still have work on earth to do. It does suck it truly does, but as I recently posted on here look at Jesus. He prayed to our Father and asked Him to remove the cup, because He didnt want to die and go through all the pain. But God didnt remove the cup. Not because HE didnt love His son, but because it was a trail He had to go through to bring out the best in Him. And Christ rose with all power in His hands. Just because God allows us to go through things doesnt mean He doesnt love us or care or doesnt hear us. For even though I am not a parent, I can imagine the pain and hurt that comes with watching your children suffer and cry and feel lost and confused. These intrusive thoughts, while theyve caused so much anguish in pain, have drawn me closer to Him. because I learned to trust in Him when all looks bad and walk towards Him when daily I was bombarded with thoughts that He was a liar and unreal and you name it. I had to learn to believe Him and have faith in His word and not believe these thoughts. And He showed me He is with me through it all, as He is you. even if it may not feel like it all the time, He left His word and His word is bond. Before I had a faith off of feeling, but now even in the midst of trials, I can still give Him glory. For He is good always. I remember where you were standing but there is joy and hope , yes, even through these pains. I remember searching for a get rid formula, trying everything I can to make them stop But if you pray and He doesnt move the mountain, as my pastor said, pray that He give you the strength and faith to climb over. Praying for you. As hard as it may be, continue to pray and praise and give thanks and read the word and draw closer to Him for HE will draw closer to you.

 

[jennifer_savannah]

shelovesChrist,

I love your testimony and your drive to keep on going through the troubles and trials. And I love what you said about getting close to the Lord and relying on Him through your affliction.

I've had OCD for many years. It started when I was a child with tapping, counting, and ticks. Over the past five years, I've experienced a lot of crises and trauma (my dad getting sick and dying all in less than 3 months, a traumatic car accident, my mother being sick all the time, an ended 6-year relationship, losing a job, moving to another town, etc!) and I think it all just snowballed into post traumatic stress. And I think that somewhere along the way the fear kept growing--ultimately leading to my heightened OCD problems, which mostly manifests itself with bad (blasphemous) thoughts and a nagging fear of not being saved/forgiven.

Along with OCD, I have a host of other ailments that kind of accompany the OCD: hypersensitivity, generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), and borderline personality disorder to name three. It's been a tough battle. I don't have a job right now and so I don't have any health insurance. I took Prozac many many moons ago (alongside Buspar for anxiety), but stopped taking it because it stopped working. I had some bad thoughts back then, but nothing compared to the ones that I've had recently. I can't afford any medicine right now, but I think that my condition of not being able to purchase the meds may have worked in my favor since I haven't had them to rely on. I've had to rely solely on the Lord. And even though the road to healing has been rough and painful (to say the very least!), the Lord has revealed Himself to me in many marvelous ways.

My OCD thoughts got so bad that even when I would just get on my knees to pray, all these bad images would come to mind--they would play in my mind like a movie--and I can remember just wanting to have ONE good thought! Just one! I couldn't "see" Jesus in my mind... I longed to see an image that was good. I was shrouded by such a dark cloud for a long time.

When I would sing in the choir, I would go to sing the name of Jesus or Lord and blasphemous names would come to mind. There I am in front of the whole congregation and I'm having to act as if nothing is wrong with me. I felt like I wasn't saved. How could a saved person have such thoughts? I spent a lot of time wondering and worrying about this! I knew I loved the Lord and He was showing me all along the way that He was with me (even going so far as to speak to me in an audible voice Matthew 28:20b, "I am with you always, even unto the end of the world"), but I still doubted because of the severity of my affliction.

Now that I look back, I see just how He brought me out of such darkness! It feels now as though He literally carried me through it. All I did was surround myself with His Word by reading the Bible, faithfully attending church, watching teaching on Christian television programs, reading Christian articles online, reading books by Max Lucado and Charles Stanley, praying, fasting, listening to only Christian music--I literally surrounded myself with the armor of God (Ephesians 6:11-18): the breastplate of Righteousness, my loins girt about with Truth, my feet shod with the preparation of the Gospel of Peace, the shield of Faith, the helmet of Salvation, and the Sword of the Spirit (the Word of God)! If I was preparing for a battle, I surely had all of the arsenal I needed to claim a victory! But victory doesn't always come right away. Battle-by-battle, for me, it's being won.

I've continued to serve and thank God through all of this! I tithed and gave offerings even when it hurt (I get loan money for school--I'm working toward my MBA) and I've done my best to serve the Lord. I even started handing out Gospel tracts (that I ordered online)--since I was saved with the aid of a tract, I wanted to give back and help others come to a saving knowledge of Christ using this method. (I hand them out whenever I can at grocery store checkouts, gas stations, and restaurants--wherever I might be--and since I've written down the name and address of the church I attend on the back of the tract, as I hand the tract to someone I let them know that if they don't have a good church to attend that ours is a really good church.)

Through all of this suffering I've gained two things that are absolutely priceless that I would not have gotten if I'd been instantly healed: an intimate relationship with God and a powerful testimony! God is so amazing! He got me through it! I feel very much like what Jesus described:

John 16:21 A woman when she is in travail hath sorrow, because her hour is come: but as soon as she is delivered of the child, she remembereth no more the anguish, for joy that a man is born into the world.

After all that pain, what I remember most is the Lord and not the anguish. I recall how kind He was. How constant He was. How caring He was. Like a gentle Shepherd. Yes, during my ups and downs I gave in to weaknesses and sinned, but that didn't stop His love for me. He just kept opening His arms to me... and picking me right back up so that I could walk with Him again! How else could I have gotten to know my Lord? If I'd been healed of every affliction and received everything I'd ever prayed for, I'd been so caught up in this life and in the things of this life that I would not have given Him the time of day. I would have said "Thank you" for all the stuff, but I wouldn't have sought His face. And what a beautiful Face! My faith is so much stronger now because of the affliction of OCD. Even though all of the bad thoughts had to have hurt or displeased Him, He never chided me for what I could not control. He knew that I did not want those bad thoughts and so He was never angry with me. There will be a day when I'm completely healed--whether it be on earth or in Heaven--and all of the pain and struggle will be forgotten. But I will always remember the beauty of His Presence and the joy of knowing He was there ALL the time!

 

[shelovesChrist]

Jen,

you're testimony is amazing as well . i can identify with so much that you've listed its amazing . even having to sing in the choir , as i currently do , with the thoughts bombarding . learning how to trust soley on the Lord, to walk in faith despite the darkness surrounding me, and to learn to trust His word over my feelings. He has revealed Himself and im just grateful that we can all give insight and guidance to one another on here . feels good to know that im not alone . that same scripture the Holy Spirit brought to my remembrance once when i was feeling down about the thoughts . it got me through alot. and my faith has strengthened as well . to God be the glory . He truly is my heart . praying for you .

 

[jennifer_savannah]

learning how to trust soley on the Lord, to walk in faith despite the darkness surrounding me, and to learn to trust His word over my feelings.

Very beautifully said!

 

[Jazer]

why would he give me a disease that doesnt even let me have faith in him? isnt that just unfair?

You think that God is unfair? You do not know God, because He is very fair and very just. You need to get rid of the ungodly thoughts and put on the Mind of Christ and start to think Godly thoughts.

Phil2:5 Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus

Eph4:23
http://www.blueletterbible.org/Bible.cfm?b=Eph&c=4&t=NKJV#comm/23and be renewed in the spirit of your mind, http://www.blueletterbible.org/Bible.cfm?b=Eph&c=4&t=NKJV#comm/24and that you put on the new man which was created according to God, in true righteousness and holiness.

 

[LoveAdoni]

my life has been too hard from the beginning of my life, i've had debilitating social anxiety, and i've spent my days in either anxiety or depression, then i got on SSRI's, and things got so much worse than i could have ever imagined. the drugs destroyed me completely. i never had OCD, the drugs gave me OCD, i have horrendous akathesia/agitation in my legs and body 24/7, i totally lost my ability to sleep and require pills to just get some crappy sleep, i have a ton of other terrible symptoms too. i've been on millions of pills since, and no doctor was able to help me at all. i've been suffering in hell for the past 2.5 years, every second.

to top all that off the OCD prevents me from having any faith in god. everytime i start to have faith, the OCD tells me right away "what if youre wrong, what if god isnt real?" and it kills all my faith, so i live without faith in my horrendous agony. how can anyone live like this without faith and hope? i cant even pray to god with faith, i pray as if im talking to the air. whats the point of living like this? how is god ever gonna hear me when i think im talking to the air and dont mean what i pray cause doubt is in me? i cant even talk to god, and i dont feel him in me, im filled with the OCD doubt. i really cant go on living like this... all my physical agony, then my mental agony, then the emotional agony, then the spiritual agony to top all that off... im a zero!! i really want to kill myself, i was suicidal for a long time. i love my parents, but wants the point of living without hope? i just cant take living in my severe agony without god.

what is a technique to dealing with this faith OCD? what do i tell myself to avoid this doubt? don't just tell me CBT, describe the technique and what to do.

i feel im destined to go to hell because i have no faith due to OCD. and god doesnt hear me or care about me anymore. why would he give me a disease that doesnt even let me have faith in him? isnt that just unfair?

I have the EXACT same thing going on. I just got out of the mental hospital due to OCD and fear of loosing control and now I'm struggling w/my faith. My family tells me to "work the word" meaning quote scriptures/The Word every time a horrible thought comes into my mind. This stupid disease is making me question God and his realness. I'm a devout christian and this just doesn't make sense. I wonder why the Lord allows me to suffer so horribly, too.

I have a two-year old and I really need deliverance. I need a miracle, too!

 

[LoveAdoni]

Grant,

at one point in the midst of the extreme agony death felt better than living everyday with OCD, but God doesnt just create us to create us. We all have a special purpose and it He hasn't called us home yet, then we still have work on earth to do. It does suck it truly does, but as I recently posted on here look at Jesus. He prayed to our Father and asked Him to remove the cup, because He didnt want to die and go through all the pain. But God didnt remove the cup. Not because HE didnt love His son, but because it was a trail He had to go through to bring out the best in Him. And Christ rose with all power in His hands. Just because God allows us to go through things doesnt mean He doesnt love us or care or doesnt hear us. For even though I am not a parent, I can imagine the pain and hurt that comes with watching your children suffer and cry and feel lost and confused. These intrusive thoughts, while theyve caused so much anguish in pain, have drawn me closer to Him. because I learned to trust in Him when all looks bad and walk towards Him when daily I was bombarded with thoughts that He was a liar and unreal and you name it. I had to learn to believe Him and have faith in His word and not believe these thoughts. And He showed me He is with me through it all, as He is you. even if it may not feel like it all the time, He left His word and His word is bond. Before I had a faith off of feeling, but now even in the midst of trials, I can still give Him glory. For He is good always. I remember where you were standing but there is joy and hope , yes, even through these pains. I remember searching for a get rid formula, trying everything I can to make them stop But if you pray and He doesnt move the mountain, as my pastor said, pray that He give you the strength and faith to climb over. Praying for you. As hard as it may be, continue to pray and praise and give thanks and read the word and draw closer to Him for HE will draw closer to you.

Thank you for your encouraging words. The mind is such a wondrous and complex organ the Lord made and I know Satan just loves to mess with it. Due to the darkness this disorder brings to lives and minds, I know that it comes from the pit of hell. I'm still white knuckling it (today was bad), but I'm taking my moments of clarity to praise the Lord God Almighty, read the Word, and pray.

Can I ask, how long did it take for you to get to the place you are today?

Thanks again.

 

[shelovesChrist]

the enemy is a defeated liar . at the end of the day i know sometimes we feel weak , but we will always have authority over him ( Luke 10 :18-20 ) because we are children of the most High . some days are harder than others but remember the Lord never loses power , His strength is perfected in our weakness ( 2 Corinthians 12 : 9 ). and it took a while , because i was trying to read everything and do everything and felt everywhere and it felt like nothing i read could stick and that i had failed because the pain didn't go away, but the Lord , He gave me understanding , He works , oh He works on our behalf , its amazing , i don't remember a specific day , but i kept trusting in Him , even though i didn't know all the pieces , even though doubts and confusion and evil thoughts came left to right i kept praising Him and pressing toward Him . don't look for a number , i was too at first , but know that we are all different and He will work with us , won't leave if we don't get it right away , He's patient and i love Him . and when i would get a peace of mind id thank Him as you do , for that moment . He will not leave you comfortless ( john 14 :18 ) praying for you =)

 

[shelovesChrist]

and your welcome , but all thanks go to God . for had it not been for Him , i wouldn't have stood in the midst of this . but He kept me so praise God that He is able to keep =)

 

[Christian-Catholic]

LoveAdoni, Im also going through the same thing. Ive had different ocd thoughts throughout my life, from intrusive sexual thoughts during mass to my faith ocd that has been going on for the last 8 months. Ive been on sertraline for 6 weeks but it isnt working. What kind of meds are u on?

praying for u, please pray for me as well