- Jun 15, 2007
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Hi all! This is my first time posting in the parenting section. I usually stick to marriage ministry and women's discussion. My husband and I do not have any kids but I have something I wanted to discuss and think this is the best place for it. I just wanted to get some other people's opinions. I know it's long, please bear with me.
My mother and stepfather; Mark have been married for 8 years now and he has a son; Stephen, who just turned 19 recently. He's been living with his mother about 40 minutes from where his dad lives. He has 2 older sisters who are grown and both have families of their own, so he's the youngest. That's the background...
He's a problem kid, he's lived with his mother who lets him get away with whatever he wants. She says 'clean your room' and he won't, so she'll go in and clean it for him. He has absolutely no sense of responsibility or accountability for anything. He has a choice of living with his mom or dad and he chooses his mom partially because his friends live there and partially because he can get away with anything. His dad bought him a car for his 16th birthday and his mom didn't think it was "something he could be proud of" so she bought him a mustang. She doesn't command respect from him and he doesn't respect her at all.
He has big problems with drugs and alcohol. Mainly just pot but I know he's done a few others. He's gotten arrest a couple of times; before he turned 18. My stepdad handled a lot of it (he knows a lot of people).
He dropped out of high school and did finally get his ged. He's gone to a little bit of college but can't seem to stay in it. He's stolen money from my parents; wrote a $200 check to himself with my mom's checks and lied about it. He stole a gun from his girlfriend's father (with the help of his friends). The charges ended up being dropped. Mostly because my stepdad paid the guy off. He's uses up my parent's money; owes them for bail, etc, but can't keep a job. He thinks that his guitar lessons are good enough.
His mom finally kicked him out and for some reason his dad agreed to pay rent for him to get his own apartment (as long as he was in school); rent was month to month. He ended up dropping out of school so he had to move out by November 1st. Well he drug his feet and didn't move out til a couple weeks later, and of course who covered the bill? His dad.
So now we're up to what happened most recently...
The other day he called me at 11:30. I didn't answer but texted him the next morning at 5 while I was getting ready for work and he called me right back; he was drunk and had been drinking for 6 hours at least. I called my mom to tell her about my phonecall. That night I found out that he'd gotten arrested that morning; driving home on the wrong side of the road. His license is suspended but there was no bail this time so his dad just picked him up and then put him to work cleaning the barn til noon. His dad's friend was going to recommend him for a job with the state but now he won't; doesn't want to stick his neck out for him.
It's just so frustrating to watch. I was talking to my mom about it; why doesn't he have a curfew? He's living with my mom and stepdad, he was out drinking at midnight. He is allowed to do whatever he wants as far as I can tell. My mom is out of town right now and not there for the latest fiasco. She completely disagrees with the way his dad is handling this. But he says that he wasn't raised the way her kids were, with responsibility and respect for parents; so the kind of rules and punishments that would work for me and my brother would not work for him; according to my stepdad. He's saying that life will take over, but that's what I'm afraid of. That he'll get tired of living there and bum off someone's couch and just get in more trouble. Despite all the times he's been to jail, he's never spent the night. People keep helping him out; keep keeping him from taking responsibility for his actions.
I just don't understand how he's handling this. He told Stephen that he had to get a job in 30 days (now that this other job won't go through). But I don't understand; how are you going to enforce getting a job in 30 days, but you're not going to enforce a curfew? If he gets a job my mom is going to require that he start paying back the money that he's caused them to spend on him; tuition, rent, theft, bail, paying people off, etc, etc... But if he doesn't get a job he doesn't have any money and if he doesn't have any money he can't pay people back... and you can always get pot and alcohol for free from your buddies. What a great incentive to not get a job. It's just a rediculous cycle.
My stepdad has been good about not overstepping my mom on her parenting with me and my brother (but we were good kids so that wasn't too big of a deal) and my mom doesn't want to overstep on his parenting with his son... but now that he's living with them she feels a little differently about it. She's not comfortable with him being there; considering how he's stolen from them, and his friends are just as bad as he is and she's not comfortable with them coming over. Also, she's the one who does the money handling so that's also tough; spending this money on him and knowing you're not going to get it back and knowing that it would be better to NOT help him. But what's she gonna do? It's what his dad wants.
At this point his dad says he is not going to help him out. He's burned his bridges. No bail, no allowance. If he wants money he has to get a job. If he decides to go back to school my mom says that he's gonna have to pay his first month's tuition and after that if his grades are good then they'll pay the next month and if his grades are still good then they'll pay the next month, and etc... and if he graduates they'll reimburse him for that first month. But I don't know how long it will take for him to get to that point. I hope that if he decides to move out that they won't pay for it.
So what do you think? Any thoughts are welcome. Have any of you dealt with trouble kids?
My mother and stepfather; Mark have been married for 8 years now and he has a son; Stephen, who just turned 19 recently. He's been living with his mother about 40 minutes from where his dad lives. He has 2 older sisters who are grown and both have families of their own, so he's the youngest. That's the background...
He's a problem kid, he's lived with his mother who lets him get away with whatever he wants. She says 'clean your room' and he won't, so she'll go in and clean it for him. He has absolutely no sense of responsibility or accountability for anything. He has a choice of living with his mom or dad and he chooses his mom partially because his friends live there and partially because he can get away with anything. His dad bought him a car for his 16th birthday and his mom didn't think it was "something he could be proud of" so she bought him a mustang. She doesn't command respect from him and he doesn't respect her at all.
He has big problems with drugs and alcohol. Mainly just pot but I know he's done a few others. He's gotten arrest a couple of times; before he turned 18. My stepdad handled a lot of it (he knows a lot of people).
He dropped out of high school and did finally get his ged. He's gone to a little bit of college but can't seem to stay in it. He's stolen money from my parents; wrote a $200 check to himself with my mom's checks and lied about it. He stole a gun from his girlfriend's father (with the help of his friends). The charges ended up being dropped. Mostly because my stepdad paid the guy off. He's uses up my parent's money; owes them for bail, etc, but can't keep a job. He thinks that his guitar lessons are good enough.
His mom finally kicked him out and for some reason his dad agreed to pay rent for him to get his own apartment (as long as he was in school); rent was month to month. He ended up dropping out of school so he had to move out by November 1st. Well he drug his feet and didn't move out til a couple weeks later, and of course who covered the bill? His dad.
So now we're up to what happened most recently...
The other day he called me at 11:30. I didn't answer but texted him the next morning at 5 while I was getting ready for work and he called me right back; he was drunk and had been drinking for 6 hours at least. I called my mom to tell her about my phonecall. That night I found out that he'd gotten arrested that morning; driving home on the wrong side of the road. His license is suspended but there was no bail this time so his dad just picked him up and then put him to work cleaning the barn til noon. His dad's friend was going to recommend him for a job with the state but now he won't; doesn't want to stick his neck out for him.
It's just so frustrating to watch. I was talking to my mom about it; why doesn't he have a curfew? He's living with my mom and stepdad, he was out drinking at midnight. He is allowed to do whatever he wants as far as I can tell. My mom is out of town right now and not there for the latest fiasco. She completely disagrees with the way his dad is handling this. But he says that he wasn't raised the way her kids were, with responsibility and respect for parents; so the kind of rules and punishments that would work for me and my brother would not work for him; according to my stepdad. He's saying that life will take over, but that's what I'm afraid of. That he'll get tired of living there and bum off someone's couch and just get in more trouble. Despite all the times he's been to jail, he's never spent the night. People keep helping him out; keep keeping him from taking responsibility for his actions.
I just don't understand how he's handling this. He told Stephen that he had to get a job in 30 days (now that this other job won't go through). But I don't understand; how are you going to enforce getting a job in 30 days, but you're not going to enforce a curfew? If he gets a job my mom is going to require that he start paying back the money that he's caused them to spend on him; tuition, rent, theft, bail, paying people off, etc, etc... But if he doesn't get a job he doesn't have any money and if he doesn't have any money he can't pay people back... and you can always get pot and alcohol for free from your buddies. What a great incentive to not get a job. It's just a rediculous cycle.
My stepdad has been good about not overstepping my mom on her parenting with me and my brother (but we were good kids so that wasn't too big of a deal) and my mom doesn't want to overstep on his parenting with his son... but now that he's living with them she feels a little differently about it. She's not comfortable with him being there; considering how he's stolen from them, and his friends are just as bad as he is and she's not comfortable with them coming over. Also, she's the one who does the money handling so that's also tough; spending this money on him and knowing you're not going to get it back and knowing that it would be better to NOT help him. But what's she gonna do? It's what his dad wants.
At this point his dad says he is not going to help him out. He's burned his bridges. No bail, no allowance. If he wants money he has to get a job. If he decides to go back to school my mom says that he's gonna have to pay his first month's tuition and after that if his grades are good then they'll pay the next month and if his grades are still good then they'll pay the next month, and etc... and if he graduates they'll reimburse him for that first month. But I don't know how long it will take for him to get to that point. I hope that if he decides to move out that they won't pay for it.
So what do you think? Any thoughts are welcome. Have any of you dealt with trouble kids?
