too soon to propose?

[dano41788]

Hey guys

I've been dating my girlfriend Nicole for 6 months, and I really think she's the one, we've been really intentional about our relationship being to see if we can get married. We were in the same group of friends for three years before we started dating. around December i started spending more one on one time with her, she called me because all our friends were going to Applebees after the saturday night service at church, we got our bills, everyone else left, and Nicole and I were still talking in the booth for a bit, until we left a half an hour later then sat on the bench outside, (It was unseasonably warm) and talked for another hour. After that night, it kind of hit me how incredible of a person she was and I wanted to get to know her more. Two months afterwards, on Valentine's Day, I told Nicole that I wanted to see if things between us could possibly get romantic, so we went on a few dates, march 14 was the day we actually decided to become an exclusive couple with the plan to date to see if we can marry, with the agreement that if any of us didn't think we could be husband and wife, we'd end things.

Nicole and I have really prayed and have been counseled by a lot of great, godly people who all affirmed our relationship, this is by far the best relationship I've ever had. She's amazing, I'm in love with her, she feels the same about me,and I'm pretty sure I want to share the rest of my life with her.

Some of my good friends think it's way too soon to ask her to marry me, and that I'm rushing it. I want to hear some of your thoughts

 

[seeingeyes]

It's never too soon...unless it is.

There are no hard and fast rules about these things. It looks like the only person you haven't talked about this with is the only person who's opinion matters. Ask her what she thinks about the last six months and whether she thinks it's heading toward marriage. Her answer should tell you what you want to know.

God bless

 

[EazyMack]

Go for it!

And then:

Pre-marital counseling. Seriously.

(With a Christian therapist/counselor who does pre-marital counseling.)

 

[xBeex]

Please be 100% sure before asking her. Out of interest, how often do you two meet up?

 

[CounselorForChrist]

Every couple is different in terms of rushing. Some engage and marry fast, some engage after years and marry. Its up to the couple and if they truly think they are ready for it. I engaged to my wife after about a month. We got married over a year later.

I agree that things will get harder. You 110% HAVE to be sure your ready for marriage. For some that "happy" feeling lasts forever, but it doesn't change they fact you WILL have fights, you may have time here you question why you married them. Marriage is no like in books or movies. Its a real thing and takes work.

Its something I made sure my wife understood up front. I didn't want someone living in a fairy tale about it. I'd as mentioned get marital counseling. Me and my wife didn't but we had it in other ways (to long to explain). For most couples they will need it since they don't realize just what a marriage is.

 

[LinkH]

dano,

You dated longer than my wife and I did before I proposed. We got married in the last century.

For us, though, we did spend an awful lot of time together. We had our first conversation the day after Valentine's day. We realized that we had been introduced about a year before at my former work place. I'd also seen her that day from the side, and I thought I wondered if God would give me a woman as beautiful as that to be my wife.

After our first conversation, it took us a while to get in contact with each other, and then we were both busy. But within several weeks, we were seeing each other all the time. From March to June, there was a period of time where we saw each other every day. I pretty much took her out to dinner every night and escorted her home. Sometimes we would go to some kind of church event. We started going to church together. We talked a lot. So I really got to know her.

For me, it was a matter of determining if it were God's will. We had a few 'hints' before we met. We both had visions that gave us clues, one of the few I've had. And I wrote down in my prayer journal when I was praying about a wife that I thought the Lord might be telling me my wife would be a certain age, which was her age a few weeks later when I met her.

She left on a short-term missions trip, and I prayed about it. I took some friends' advice and told the Lord the decision I was making and why. At that point, I was 100% sure. I had perfect peace about it.

My parents agreed to the idea (which I warmed them up to by having her talk on the phone, but like American parents usually are, they just left it up to me. Her parents were a little harder to convince than mine, but not too hard. In her culture, parental approval is essential.


What I think you should do is consider every scripture that has to do with marriage, wives, etc. and consider if this is, first of all, a nonsinful thing. If she were your half-sister or if she had left her husband because they weren't in love anymore, or something like that, or if she were an unbeliever then you may have a reason not to marry. But if, as far as the Bible is concerned, there are no reasons not to, then pray about it. Ask married men, especially older men, what characteristics you should be looking for and if there is anything you need to do or change before proposing. You can ask relatives and people who know you about this, too. Then pray until you have peace. If you keep getting green lights, eventually make a decision.

I don't think 6 months is too fast if you are really thorough about getting to know her and praying about it. But you should do a little bit of 'interviewing' and work it into the dating process until you know enough about her to see if she's a good match. Get information from her friends and relatives.

There is no exact right amount of time for dating. I don't think 6 months is necessarily too fast. I asked my wife to marry me after about 5 months from that first conversation. If I had it to do over again knowing what I know now, I'd have done it sooner. No, if I had it to do over again, I might have just snatched her up right a year out of high school right after I had finished college.

 

[Hetta]

How old are you guys? Nevermind, I saw from one of your other posts that you are both 25. That makes a difference. If you were younger than that, I would have had more qualms.

As someone else said, you really should be talking to your gf about this rather than strangers. It seems to me that 6 months is not long for either of you to notice any red flags as many people are on their best behavior during courtship or dating. Marriage is a serious business and you should be considering it for life, and that's a long time, as I can tell you at twice your age and my life being far from over. (Honestly, 50 isn't old at all!)

You say you are "pretty" sure. What doubts do you have? And what doubts does she have?

It's not all about finding the perfect wife, btw. It's also about being a good prospective husband yourself. Are there are any areas in yourself that may cause difficulties in a marriage? Perhaps you could sit down and talk through these things with an older man who has a good marriage and can tell you what it takes to be a good husband. That is as vital for the marriage that you are aware of your duties and what it takes to be a husband, as she is aware of what it takes to be a wife.

Have you and your gf talked about, for instance, children? Whether you will have them and how many? Have you talked about where you will live? Whether you both will work? What your desires are for your future? Do you have a mutual agreement on what that will all look like? There are a lot of practical issues that should be set straight before marriage takes place, and 'being in love' is great and all that, but will not see you through the rest of your lives on its own.

 

[Luther073082]

If you have talked about how your married life would be and what you both would want out of a marriage and find that you are in agreement then at age 25 (based on Hetta's post) I would say it would be ok to do if you think she's prepared for it.

I would try to find out her feelings on it. I actually asked my wife what her feelings where and made it known to her that I was considering asking her to marry me (with a ring and all). If she says she thinks it would be too soon. . . then hold off. If she's more open to it then maybe go for it.

People make way too big of a deal about the whole surprise factor. A decision to get married like that I think should be talked about. It's a big decision.

I mean when you are married you wouldn't run off and buy plane tickets and come home and say "Good news honey, we're going to Australia next week." No that's something you talk with your wife about before you do it.

I would say this is something you have to run by her. You could always preserve the surprise by saying you are thinking about doing it in 6 months to a year and then doing it a little earlier then that. (I did that) But I think you should know how she feels about the idea first.

 

[Hetta]

I would try to find out her feelings on it. I actually asked my wife what her feelings where and made it known to her that I was considering asking her to marry me (with a ring and all). If she says she thinks it would be too soon. . . then hold off. If she's more open to it then maybe go for it.

People make way too big of a deal about the whole surprise factor. A decision to get married like that I think should be talked about. It's a big decision.

I actually totally agree with this. My husband told me that he wanted us to get married and we talked about it. He did give me a ring, and he did "propose" (down on one knee), but it was more for fun because we had decided already that we would get married.

It is a huge, life-changing, permanent decision.

 

[Luther073082]

I actually totally agree with this. My husband told me that he wanted us to get married and we talked about it. He did give me a ring, and he did "propose" (down on one knee), but it was more for fun because we had decided already that we would get married.

It is a huge, life-changing, permanent decision.

I surprised my wife with the timing of the question, but we had already agreed beforehand that we where at the point in the relationship where we where ready to get married.

Too much emphasis is placed in my opinion about all the circumstances of merely asking the question and presenting the ring. Now it seems like the whole just ask on one knee thing isn't even good enough anymore. Now it seems like most people expect you to take her to some place where your friends will shoot off fireworks and dolphins will jump out of the water in the shape of a heart.

 

[Hetta]

I surprised my wife with the timing of the question, but we had already agreed beforehand that we where at the point in the relationship where we where ready to get married.

Too much emphasis is placed in my opinion about all the circumstances of merely asking the question and presenting the ring. Now it seems like the whole just ask on one knee thing isn't even good enough anymore. Now it seems like most people expect you to take her to some place where your friends will shoot off fireworks and dolphins will jump out of the water in the shape of a heart.

I am so over all of those over the top proposals that people keep sending me via email (stop sending them, people, grrrr) where hundreds of people are involved in some big dramatic presentation. Perhaps I'm old fashioned in not wanting an audience. Perhaps everyone has to feel like a movie star these days or at least a reality tv star.

 

[ex-pat]

I'd say that if you have both spent a good deal of time talking about the things that truly matter in a marriage, and have the same long-term goals, then at your age, six months is not too early to propose. (DO get pre-marital counseling with a Christian Counselor or your pastor). My husband and I have one of the best marriages we know of, and he proposed only three days after our first conversation!

 

[eatenbylocusts]

If you get a favorable response from your gf about getting married, I hope you have someone you can tell (a leader of your college/career group, pastor, etc.) who knows you both and who can offer some guidance. And then take classes to prepare for marriage, get pre-marital counseling, etc.

With the accountability that is available at my church I think getting the blessing of a pastor would go first before formally discussing it with the gf.

 

[BrianJK]

I knew my wife for just 7 months before we were married, and more than three of those months we were separated while I was in military training. We've been married over just over three years now and couldn't be happier!

I do wish we would have had pre-marriage counseling though. We took some great marriage building classes just last year, but getting the right information up front is always a wise move.

 

[Luther073082]

I am so over all of those over the top proposals that people keep sending me via email (stop sending them, people, grrrr) where hundreds of people are involved in some big dramatic presentation. Perhaps I'm old fashioned in not wanting an audience. Perhaps everyone has to feel like a movie star these days or at least a reality tv star.

I tire of it too. But anymore I am constantly seeing guys ask for advice as to how to do it and it all starts with some overly complex plan that is doomed to fail at least in part because it is just too complex to work and coordinate.

All of this for what? Do Dolphins and fireworks make her more likely to say yes?

It's not the audience thing that bothers me so much. It's the question of why so much thought and planning goes into asking the question. . . almost as if they are starting the celebration early and it's a pre-wedding wedding.

Your dolphins and fireworks will look mighty stupid if she says no. Which you know has to happen to some people because you wouldn't dare talk to her informally about the idea in the first place because it would ruin the giant surprise.

Overly complex plans don't make you more romantic or prove you love her more. It only seems to show you are over the top and in some ways are attention seeking. But hey I guess some women like that.

 

[seeingeyes]

All of this for what? Do Dolphins and fireworks make her more likely to say yes?

Actually, it does!

I had a friend who's boyfriend proposed with a big public display at a restaurant and she said 'yes' mainly because it was too awkward to say 'no'.

She broke up with him the next day.

 

[Luther073082]

Actually, it does!

I had a friend who's boyfriend proposed with a big public display at a restaurant and she said 'yes' mainly because it was too awkward to say 'no'.

She broke up with him the next day.

Well that totally accomplished it's objective then.

 

[seeingeyes]

Well that totally accomplished it's objective then.

Poor guy.

Take heed, OP! Don't pop the question unless you're sure you know what the answer's gonna be.