Too rigid in your thinking?

[memoriesbymichelle]

So we've had many many discussions about what we would like in a mate and what some of us "need" as far as attractiveness, sex drive, etc......but lately I am asking myself are we too rigid in our thinking?

I know we like what we like, I get that. But since attending my best friend's wedding lately, and hearing almost everyone of her family members comment that the groom was not what they expected as far as type of guy she would pick. They all (including me) liked him, just that it was different than the type they normally would see her being with.

And while we all say we want our mate to have things in common with us and have similar interests (at least some). Do we think that maybe those different interests would be interesting to someone we might date?
I guess what I mean is, for example, I love music. All types or most types anyway. I don't play an instrument. I like to sing, but I don't have an amazing voice. My dad was a musician and my husband was a musician. I liked supporting him in his music. Does that make sense?

I think sometimes, escpecially the older we get, we get more stuck in our ways we get and if we are too stuck we could possibly overlook someone that could make us very happy in our lives even if they are different than what we are used to. What do you think?

 

[dayhiker]

I like reading profiles on dating sites. I almost never send an email to any of these profile because I have too many women in my life now! But it only takes a few I would like a man like this. I don't think there is one that I meet all their requirements if they have a list at all. Or if they say much about them selves it doesn't take a very long list before I hit a characteristic that I'd say I'm not interested.

If I start from the other side, I want to meet this person and get to know them as a person. I find most women I meet to be nice and interesting. A few I'll cross off for some reason.

Take the lady B I meet on the singles cruise. She was up on a table dancing with the server in front of the whole restaurant of 500+ people. I though I have no interest in her. She sat beside me at a table of 10-12 people and dominated the whole conversation of the whole table. She was loud, bold, over the top, domineering, on the heavy side. I wasn't drawn to her at all. But I asked her if she could talk softer, then she interrupted an other conversation, I pointed that out to her. So I listed to her story. A sad sorry and I knew that I could give her something of what she wanted from the cruise. So I did. Told her at the end of the cruise I didn't want a long distance relationship. Also told her I could give her all of what she was looking for. Told her i was going on vacation in 5 months if she wanted we could go on vacation.

So wee still see each other every 6 weeks or so. It has gone much better than I thought it would. I have set clear boundaries of what I can give her and what I can't. If I didn't do that she would run my life. Like when we were on vacation about half way thru the week I told her I need an even alone as I was so overwhelmed by it all.

 

[sparkydave]

My ex and I were very different, but we were crazy for each other for years. We both agreed if we had met casually, we probably wouldn't have given each other a second thought. We were both kind of shy and not exactly social butterflies. She tended to be more outspoken, flighty, would rapidly change her mind on things, whereas I tend to be quiet, more reserved, and tend to plan things out carefully. We had to agree though, if we had each met our equal, we would probably drive each other up the wall and in our case we balanced each other nicely. She got me to speak up more, and when she got in her excited flighty moods, she needed me to be the "Chill out, relax" type. We both agreed eHarmony must have gotten some formula right where the "opposites attract" was actually true.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

so you met your ex thru E-harmony?

 

[dayhiker]

Nice story sparky.

 

[sparkydave]

Yes, we met through eHarmony. They tell you up front that you might have to be open minded and look past your pre-conceived notion of the perfect mate, and we both agree we were an unlikely couple. I'll say we both picked up on certain traits that we hadn't thought of, but realized that we needed these traits in the other person. That's not to say they have you compromise on important things, they still strongly encourage you to stick to things you must have or can't stand. It's more like "if this person is talkative, and you're kind of quiet, don't rule them out" or "if this person is artistic, and you didn't see yourself dating an artist, don't rule them out".

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

very interesting. Sorry she is your ex now though. I seem to remember you shared your story a little before didn't you? Not the E-harmony part, but the reason she is an ex now.

 

[sparkydave]

Probably no single reason, but perhaps we were each a little too independent for marriage. Maybe neither of us realized that marriage takes a lot compromise, and it was just a little too much of a compromise in the end. Best way to describe us was she was the country mouse, and I was the city mouse. The country mouse wanted to go further out to the country to pursue her interests, and the city mouse didn't see much of a career as a software engineer in Amish country, not to mention it was a little too far to commute.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Oh OK I am thinking of someone else on here whose spouse decided it was time to leave right about the time he became disabled. Not you...sorry.
I don't mean to pry too much, but can I just ask you one more question? How long were you married? It doesn't matter much except that I am curious like a cat.

 

[sparkydave]

No problem, actually we were married 9 months. Still scratch my head on that one since we dated 2.5 years before we said "I do". Fortunately, we stayed friends and it was a peaceful split.

I guess it left me just a little gun shy about getting married again.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I can relate to that!

 

[dayhiker]

Dave .. I've heard enough stories of couples that thought they knew what marriage would be like with their love. But Nope wasn't to be ... one woman told me after 4 yrs with her guy she was crying on her honeymoon. So I can understand what your feeling. My marriage lasted 27 yrs and I'm not interested in getting married again. But we take it one day at a time. Treat each person with respect, love and honor them the best we can.

 

[TheyCallMeDavid]

So we've had many many discussions about what we would like in a mate and what some of us "need" as far as attractiveness, sex drive, etc......but lately I am asking myself are we too rigid in our thinking?

I know we like what we like, I get that. But since attending my best friend's wedding lately, and hearing almost everyone of her family members comment that the groom was not what they expected as far as type of guy she would pick. They all (including me) liked him, just that it was different than the type they normally would see her being with.

And while we all say we want our mate to have things in common with us and have similar interests (at least some). Do we think that maybe those different interests would be interesting to someone we might date?
I guess what I mean is, for example, I love music. All types or most types anyway. I don't play an instrument. I like to sing, but I don't have an amazing voice. My dad was a musician and my husband was a musician. I liked supporting him in his music. Does that make sense?

I think sometimes, escpecially the older we get, we get more stuck in our ways we get and if we are too stuck we could possibly overlook someone that could make us very happy in our lives even if they are different than what we are used to. What do you think?

There are some things which are rather inconsequential when it comes to being in harmony with someone of the Opposite sex for dating to determine if marriage is a very viable option. Generally though...the more we have in common with the Other, the less chance for negoitiation in the relationship...and the less negotiating we have to do, the better. If we find ourselves doing a lot of negotiating ... it can and often paves the way to resentment buildup , feeling we aren't getting our needs and ways met and honored , and/or ending up doing things that we are compromising on leaving us feeling not so good (especially if its in the realm of morals, ethics, or principles that we hold fast to in our Christian Walk ) .

We have to try to ascertain WHICH things we can live with in the Other due to those things being part of their personality which may fall into being neutral , versus, those things which we cannot/should not live with in the Other that represent their character .

I don't think doing the above represents being too rigid .... but instead is a mature, pragmatic, objective consideration which God wants us to apply wisdom and discernment toward. Further, I see great freedom allowed us in what we find attractive, interesting, important, appealing , etc....or not , which is our individual perogative allowed us in Christ.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I guess what I was feeling was that it's kind of like a recipe. Sometimes you hear the ingredients and automatically say "I don't like that!" before you even taste it, but alot of times we can be surprised because we thought we wouldn't like it and in reality we end up loving it.

It kind of goes along with men that complain that women have their checklist (and yet it seems to be OK for men to have theirs) saying it's too much and no one would ever meet all the criteria but having someone in your life that is into something that maybe you aren't can be an eye opener for you to possibly become interested in something new and you might like it.

 

[TheyCallMeDavid]

I guess what I was feeling was that it's kind of like a recipe. Sometimes you hear the ingredients and automatically say "I don't like that!" before you even taste it, but alot of times we can be surprised because we thought we wouldn't like it and in reality we end up loving it.

It kind of goes along with men that complain that women have their checklist (and yet it seems to be OK for men to have theirs) saying it's too much and no one would ever meet all the criteria but having someone in your life that is into something that maybe you aren't can be an eye opener for you to possibly become interested in something new and you might like it.

By the time we get to our 50's ... we should have a pretty good idea from past Friendships what will make for a good harmonious relationship. So, I think we should have a list of ingredients required.

Its good for both genders to not deviate from some criteria while being more flexible on others . And its up to each of us to decided what that is while not violating Gods Word on whom we should be associating with. Examples from Gods Word includes : Don't get involved with a non Christian for a deep romantic Friendship / avoid professed Christians who make a lifestyle out of sexual immorality / don't get involved with a married individual . These have to be non negoitables .