To tell or not to tell

cynjo59 · Sep 25, 2003

I definitely think you need to tell your husband. I know from past experience that keeping a mistake secret is not healthy for a marriage. I once did something (not infidelity but still wrong) and I kept it from my husband. God dealt with me for a very long time over it but my own fears (and rationalizations) prevented me from telling the truth. Eventually this fear dominated my life- it was horrible. Keeping secrets about your mistakes from those they involve will distance you not only from them but from God as well. Satan has conditioned us to "rationalize" our mistakes with numerous lies, "It will hurt the other person." "It will end the relationship..." And a whole host of others. Accepting these lies and rationalizations and acting accordingly is denying God the chance to work a miracle. I know, believe me. When I finally, after YEARS of hiding what I had done, told my husband the truth, God did indeed do a miracle. I spent years in torment and fear for nothing. How Satan must have enjoyed that. Someone mentioned the episodes in the Bible where an individual lied or otherwise deceived- in each of those cases, the person put trust in themselves- not God. I can't help but wonder what awesome miracles would have occurred had they trusted in God and told the truth from the beginning.

charligirl · Sep 25, 2003

desi said:
I'm different. If telling a lie is the best way to handle something I would do it.

Proverbs 12:22-22 22 Lying lips are abomination to the LORD: but they that deal truly are his delight.

Click to expand...

psycmajor · Sep 25, 2003

desi said:
I'm different. If telling a lie is the best way to handle something I would do it. If the affair is over and there is nil chance of it happening again or of the spouse finding out it seems like it would cause lots of trouble and hurt the person who was already betrayed by adultery to bring it to their attention.

He wanted to tell her because he felt guilty, selfish motive. Aside from clearing your conscience, what good does it do to tell your spouse you cheated on him last month with your exboyfriend but you've stopped and won't do it anymore? Especially if the marriage is on the rocks to begin with this just exacerbates things. A guy telling his wife is different though. Wives usually 'know.' Telling them usually is not as bad as the wife telling the husband.

MixedUP · Sep 25, 2003

I do appreciate all of your posts. It has been nice to hear from many different perspectives. I posted on this site because I do not have christians friends that I can share this with - it has been helpful.

I think eventually I will tell my husband. I won't be able to keep this a secret. I don't know if that will be tomorrow, or next week, or next month - but the truth will be told one day.

I have done all I can to convince him to stay and no matter what I say, he just doesn't want to. He claims this is for the best. So, for now, I am letting him go. However, before we reconcile (if we do), I think I will probably feel the need to be honest. But I can't say 100% that I will do so.

I know that God hates divorce and that I should do whatever it takes to keep that from happening. I know that I don't want to live alone the rest of my life. I'm just not sure that this marriage is going to be saved.

Thanks again for listening.

ceres · Sep 25, 2003

JillLars said:
For her to deny her husband the truth is to completely destroy this relationship, true, they may remain married, but everything will be based on a lie and it will no longer be a real marriage.

I agree.

desi · Sep 26, 2003

HeatherJay said:
James 5:16 Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed.

We are not to keep our sins secret from one another, especially our spouse. Even though she's asked for God's forgiveness, she has not asked for her husband's forgiveness...and don't you think that's just as important to God? We can not be healed from sins that we keep secret. All sins are equal, right? Lying to her husband is no less a sin than cheating in the first place.

God will give her the courage and the words to say to her husband...and if it's His will, the marriage will survive...but only if it's done His way, not hers.

Love, Heather

That verse can be taken several ways. It reads like we are suppose to share our faults with our fellow Christians so we can pray for each other and be forgiven. It does not seem to suggest confessing to the people we offended.

desi · Sep 26, 2003

JillLars said:
Desi, I don't think you can suggest God's will can be done through lying and deceit.

I didn't suggest it, I gave specific examples of it from scripture.

JillLars said:
I would like to see one place in the bible where Jesus condones lying to spare someone's feelings.

Jesus never said that. Instead he said don't commit adultery in the first place.

desi · Sep 26, 2003

thekawasakikid said:
So a relationship based on truth and honesty doesn't benefit the receiver?

If a man killed your sister and repented to you and wanted to be your friend based on "truth and honesty" would you make them your pal? You can't hurt people and expect all to be well between you and them.

cas_mason · Sep 26, 2003

Mixedup
I hope and pray that during this time of separation, you will be able to find happiness and comfort within yourself, because God has forgiven you. Everyone's gonna hate me for saying this - but now you have some time for yourself, find the real you, not the married you because everyone loses abit of themselves so that they live happily with a partner. Have some fun because God wouldn't want you to carry on living in hurt tormenting yourself, is my husband coming home. I am not saying go rampaging round the single men before anyone has a go! I am saying, find the time to build your relationship with God and with your family and friends and get the parts of your life that you can do on the track that you want it to be. I hope I am making sense.
God bless and be happy

thekawasakikid · Sep 26, 2003

desi said:
If a man killed your sister and repented to you and wanted to be your friend based on "truth and honesty" would you make them your pal? You can't hurt people and expect all to be well between you and them.

But we aren't talking about murder, are we? We're talking about a relationship which was once (I assume) based on truth and honesty. That it no longer is makes the relationship, well, not a relationship and just a sham. There's a world of difference between attempting to restore the bond which once united a man and a wife and your scenario.

I have to smile at your 2nd point in response to JillLars - God told Adam and Eve to leave the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil alone - and yet He had already fashioned the salvation of mankind well before the serpent arrived on the scene. So just because God tells us one thing doesn't mean that He has advice/teaching/commandment about what happens after we go ahead and do the thing He told us not to.

breanna · Sep 26, 2003

desi said:
If a man killed your sister and repented to you and wanted to be your friend based on "truth and honesty" would you make them your pal? You can't hurt people and expect all to be well between you and them.

Would it be better if a man killed my sister, wasn't caught, and then met me and became good friends with me? I'd be pretty upset if and when he was caught, and I found out the truth. His excuse that he "didn't want to hurt me" would be pretty trite. I'd be more likely to forgive him if he was upfront and honest with me from the start.
The point of Christ dying for us is so that we can spend eternity with God, and also so that we can experience freedom and forgiveness from other people. We have the ultimate model of forgiveness to follow - Jesus.

God does not make a distinction between murder and adultery, or even between lying and adultery, for that matter. They are all sin, equal in his sight. There is no sort of justification in the Bible for lying, even if it is to spare the feelings of another person. God did not dictate the actions of the people in the Bible, and just because people did something in the Bible doesn't necessarily make that action right. (e.g., Joseph lying to his brothers or whatever)

MixedUP, Keeping the truth from someone is a form of lying. I think you need to tell your husband... Maybe not today, or tomorrow, because I know that this will be hard for you to do. But eventually it will wear on your conscience, even if you seperate from your husband. I think you owe it to him to tell him. But, that's just my opinion. A lot of people here are praying for you! Trust in God, He'll lead you through all of this.

HeatherJay · Sep 26, 2003

desi said:
That verse can be taken several ways. It reads like we are suppose to share our faults with our fellow Christians so we can pray for each other and be forgiven. It does not seem to suggest confessing to the people we offended.

I agree with you, I think that's exactly what it means. This is not just some random person that she's offended...this is her husband in Christian marriage. And the word 'offended' is just a bit light. We're not talking about her making a joke about his mom's cooking or something...this is a serious sin, a serious betrayal, and it holds serious consequences.

This reminds me of my 4 year old neglecting to tell me about a mess she made because she doesn't want to get in trouble. What she's starting to realize is that the punishment is much less harsh if she's truthful and upfront with me. Not telling me IS the same as lying.

And can we just be honest here...the reason for not telling him ISN'T because she doesn't want to hurt him (if that were the case she'd have already told him because the longer she waits, the more it's going to hurt). The only reason for not telling is because she's afraid of the consequences.

MixedUP, I don't intend this post to make you feel bad, or to make your decision any harder. I know it's hard (I KNOW), but the longer you wait, the easier it will get NOT to tell him, and the more it will hurt him when he does find out. I know your marriage is in a delicate place right now and I'll keep you in my prayers. I'm not advising that you call him up (wherever he is) and confess right away, but if you guys are going to reconcile, this is something that you can't keep secret. God Bless you and don't give up on your marriage...just put it in God's hands.

Love, Heather

cynjo59 · Sep 26, 2003

just a quick thought that I don't recall seeing mentioned so far- what about that verse that proclaims that you can be sure your "sins will find you out." ?? It would be far worse if by chance someone else (or even the other man) knew and told her husband than it would be if she were upfront with him herself.

ceres · Sep 26, 2003

cynjo59 said:
just a quick thought that I don't recall seeing mentioned so far- what about that verse that proclaims that you can be sure your "sins will find you out." ?? It would be far worse if by chance someone else (or even the other man) knew and told her husband than it would be if she were upfront with him herself.

Hey, thank you for that. I really like the new angle and it is really true too!

chris320 · Sep 27, 2003

desi said:
Aside from clearing your conscience, what good does it do to tell your spouse you cheated on him last month with your exboyfriend but you've stopped and won't do it anymore? Especially if the marriage is on the rocks to begin with this just exacerbates things.

Yes, the marriage will be impacted by this revelation, but that is the consequence of adultery. If he wants to divorce her after he finds out, that is his choice. He has that right. She should not have done it to begin with. Proverbs 6:33 says of the person who committs adultery: "A wound and dishonour shall he get; and his [her] reproach shall not be wiped away."

For her to hide this information from him is wrong, period. She has sinned against him and their marriage, and needs to repent to him and be willing to do whatever it takes to repair the marriage. If she wants to save the marriage, she needs to stop being concerned about her feelings and begin putting all her effort into walking in love towards her husband, regardless of how mad he is over the adultery once he finds out, because he will be mad.

Also, this girl needs to completely terminate all contact (verbal, physical, etc) with the one she committed adultery with. She will not be able to regain her affection for her husband until she does this.

desi said:
A guy telling his wife is different though. Wives usually 'know.' Telling them usually is not as bad as the wife telling the husband.

This statement is not true. Wives do not 'know' any more than men 'know'. The only thing that gives you a big hint is that they stop having sex with you. My marriage was on the rocks when my wife revealed to me that she had cheated on me. If she had immediately repented and began to work on the marriage, we would not have gotten divorced.

-Chris320

vibrant · Sep 29, 2003

desi said:
I, cautiously, think you are agreeing with me!

here, not really. in this situation, the truth won't be evident and known to both parties no matter what is said.

i agree with the person who said that the fear isn't about hurting the husband, but of facing the consequences.

4christ · Sep 30, 2003

when you allow god to work in you and your miarriage, you then become submisive to gods word. the 1st is coming clean.( jonh 8:32) Then you will know the truth and the truth shall set you free.we speak from personal experience I had an extramarital affair in my own marriage before i had ever excepted christ in my life but when I did I had to come clean with everthing not only this one affair but with all wrongs I had ever done against my wife. to include lusting after other women be it either in magazines or the flesh but I had to do all of this to come clean and to allow the lord to even begin healing in my marriage. as scripture says that if we confess our sins he is just and righteous to forgive us. you must know that it means you have to confess to your husband all that you have done. (not just that one incident) some people say that it just happened. but that is not true it had to start in the mind first. as far as if he will divorce you? well you have to know what scripture says about divorce. Matt 19:9 state that anyone who divorces his wife except for marital unfaithfullness commits adultry. but in other chapters in the books of mattew and in mark and in luke it does state that god does not want divorce for his people but the secret to this whole thing is that you have to allow god to work not only in you but in your marriage and that requires an undying and unfaltering faith to accept that no matter the outcome you must and I empfasize must trust completly in god and allow him to heal your marriage. I dont say for him to heal you or your husband only I mean the both of you because you have become one flesh and what god has joined together let no man separate. the devil wants nothing more but to destroy your marriage but it is up to you to stop it. through the power of god this is so by confessing you start allowing god to do his work and therfore having total trust and faith all of your hearts desire will be given to you. this is not an easy process but during this whole time there will be doubts and uassurance but if you allow god to do his work than it will be done. but rest assured that what ever the outcome be right with god first then everything will fall into place. and when it gets to hard give it up to the god and say to him god take it from me. and leave it at the altar. I also suggest some word based christian counseling will be needed. if you are in the DFW area let me know and i can recommend someone if not than someone in your church can direct you where to begin. what ever happens trust in god and we will be praying for your marriage wherever you are.

love in christ
us

4christ · Oct 1, 2003

i trueley belevie that honesty is the best policy. you have to tell him no matter what. just like the word states that the truth shall set you free if you confess. i speek from expirence my husband had an extrmarital affair. he had to come clean, honesty was the most important thing that saved our mairrage. when you bring things out in the open then things become real. We sometimes say that it just happen, but it doesn't just happen it is all in the mind.you have the free will do what you want but you pay the consquences just like everthing else in life. this soceity has no accountablity thats why things just happen. so you make the truth come forth no matter what the consequnces may be. the word calls us to be honest in our mairrage and he wants us to be together and work things out to be in peace with one another. you have to allow god to work not just in you but he has to be willing forgive and allow healing. this will not be easy but with gods help and prayer god can allow it to happen and make your mairrage more beautiful than before. some couseling is suggested for the both, but if he does'nt agree to go then you need to seek for yourself it will not hurt it will just help you learn somethings about you and your husband and just the mairrage itself. just remember God does not like divorce he rather us be single but since we are human he allow us to marry and stay together till death do us part. not just when things are no right. so i will be praying for you and you husband.

4christ./the wife

jthayer · Oct 3, 2003

You really need to tell your husband and ask for his forgiveness. If he is strong in the Lord, he will forgive you although it may hurt him a lot. He may seek to seperate or divorce now, but may change his mind after both of you have spent much time in prayer. If you've already asked God for forgiveness, he's forgiven you - but you have to forgive yourself in order for him to forgive you. Isn't that right? Anyone, please correct me if I'm wrong. So the only way you can forgive yourself is if you're being totaly open and honest with your husband. Any other way is living in the dark and living in a lie. Just spend time in prayer before you do tell him, and pray for God's protection over your marriage

capcurious · Oct 6, 2003

I wasn't told I found out the hard way by walking in while they were taking a shower. After that I was certain I wanted to KNOW EVERYTHING!!! And I did, it has haunted me without mercy...I wished I didn't find out.

NOW TO TELL OR NOT TO TELL....DO NOT TELL HIM NOW. The Catholics don't suggest telling now, either. "If it causes your brother to stumble...don't test his faith that way."

My suggestion is CONFESSING TO YOUR PASTOR...
Speak whatever you need to get off your chest. With the Pastors guidence and support you stand the best to happen. If the Pastor Believes you must confess it to your husband, hopefully it will be with the Pastor present, for your husbands support and guidence immediately available.

If you understand the pain of betraying your husband like that...let that keep you from any "appearance of evil" that is DON'T EVER ALLOW YOURSELF TO GET IN SITUATIONS that could cause sexual feelings in you or someone else. Don't go off privately with the opposite sex, sound advice for anyone married.

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